I hope I can get some help on this.
Our Doctor has recommended my husband and I have a trial Seperation.
After reading everything I can find on this website & reading Dr Harley's Books, I can't seem to find any advice/solution on this.
We've been married for 25 years

Hi Ash--sorry to see you are having marital problems, but know you are in a great place. I am still very new, but some vets will be along to help soon.

Can you give more of a background on the issues you and your hubby are facing? Your initial post is very vague.

Sure, Thanks so much for responding.
Our problems all boiled to a head in April this year. My hubby became more & more distant, with 1 thing being having drinks after work.
I re-acted (badly)& then so did he. The bottom line, he said was that we had grown apart. After much digging, arguing etc he admitted that my lack of sexual interest ia a huge problem for him. On my side, his lack of affection, care, nuturing etc was shutting me down.
It was by pure chance that I found this website, and have spent hours & days reading everything. I also bought 2 of the books: His needs, Her needs & Love Busters.
It was a complete revelation to me. I found that all our problems were discussed and a solution process given.
I bought extra copies of the books & printed all the questionnaires as well as Q & A & gave my highlighted copies to my hubby.
This only happened a few days ago & we haven't had a chance to discuss anything yet.
BUT, before I got all this info, our Doctor met with my hubby last week & has 'insisted' that we try & repair our marriage with a trial seperation.
I really don't know if this is the right move for us.
The 1 upside is, we live on a large property & have a 2nd house a short distance from our home, so it won't have such a huge impoact on our 2 sons (18 & 21)

It sounds like you both still love each other and are very unhappy with how you have grown apart. Moving further apart won't help solve that.

This website is useful AFTER you have read one of Dr. Harley's books, like the original, HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. Otherwise, the situations and chat is too random to help you much.

Buy the book and read the articles here specifically on your big issues: loss of sexual interest, the husband feeling rejected, and what's going on with your drinking after work. He has it all covered.

Your doctor may be very good at physical ailments, and you obviously trust him.
But if you had a painful tooth, you would go to a dentist.
For marital pain, you also need a different specialist, Dr. Harley.

What kind of a doctor is "insisting" you separate to REPAIR your marriage? And WHY? What is his/her reasoning here?

Unless there is abuse in the picture, this makes no sense at all!

Has one of you had an affair?

You will learn, as you read the material here in and Dr. Harley's books, that to build or rebuild a good marriage, it is imperative that a couple spend a minimum of 15 hours a week giving each other their undivided attention. They must use that time for meeting the four intimate needs for each other, those needs being Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment.

The program you find here is absolutely effective if both partners use it, even if it starts with only one partner applying it to their own behavior...

Keep reading, and stay with us ashleebe!

Thank so much. I have already bought 2 copies of His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.

That's where I got so much insight and valuable information. In my copy of the book, I highlighted the issues that are affecting me, and have given them to my hubby.

I know he has started reading the articles & books (it's only been 2 days), but he hasn't said anything to me yet.

Everything has so much sense with brilliant practical applications. The only thing that I can't seem to get anymore information on, is:

Should be go ahead with the Trial Seperation, as per our Doctor.

The Doctor, is our Specialist GP, who we have been going to for about 15 years.

I've never been in this situation before and before I found this website, I have been floundering, thinking my/our situation is unique!

I also been to see our Doctor, as he is the only Professional I've had any contact with

Ashleebe, a separation is a trial for divorce, not marriage. Does your H have a drinking problem?

Have you ruled out an affair? Not by asking him or thinking he'd never do that...by snooping. If he suddenly began spending a lot of time away from home, that's suspicious. Check his phone, find out where he is going and who he is with.

There are some great resources here, ask your H to hold off on the separation and give this a try. You can get direct help through the coaching center (my H and I did that, it was fantastic), or do the online program (available under "Courses").

I would ask your husband what he thinks can be repaired through separation. Does he think he's going to get MORE sex if he lives in a different house?

Sorry Rightherewaiting, I didn't answer all your questions:

No, there has been No Abuse of Any Kind, except neglect (from both of us)

I have an incling that there have been thoughts 'of straying', but I am 100% convinced that No actual act of an affair has happened.

I need my hubby to finish reading the Books & Articles. Then I need to know how to approach him, to get his input & ideas of going forward.

Do you have any ideas?

You GP has no idea how to save a marriage. Dr. Harley has made this his life's work. You may as well take the advice of your mailman and your manicurist if you take the advice of your GP on this.

A separation is a "trial" for a divorce, after everything else has been tried. But you haven't tried everything else yet so I wouldn't separate unless you are ready to get divorced.

Its like having a broken down car in the garage. Do you go in the garage to fix it or do you drive to Cleveland? In other words, you can't very well fix the marriage if you are not together to fix it.

Separation is a last resort after everything else has been tried. You have a long ways to go before you get there.

I would start with the book Lovebusters and from there go to His Needs Her Needs using the "Five Steps to Romantic Love" workbook. [they sell it cheap here]

The fastest way to resolve your marriage is to fall in love again and the fastest way to do that is to schedule 20+ hours together meeting the top 4 intimate needs of converstation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. That means completely undivided attention without children and without tv or friends.

Dr Harley says his program won't even work without this important first step of getting in your undivided attention time. Undivided Attention

I agree with ML. What holds a Marriage together is Romantic Love. Romantic love comes from caring for each other, not hurting one another, spending time together and creating intimacy with honesty. The ONLY way to build Romantic Love is to spend time together. The best way to spend time together is to LIVE together.

Separation is only helpful when there is abuse: Physical/emotional abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, or an affair. Abuse makes it impossible to build romantic love and so the abuse must be addressed first. Then when the abuse is out of the picture, the couple comes back together and builds Romantic Love.

You say there is no abuse here. So there is NO REASON to separate.

Separation will lead you to develop independent lives. You have your space, he has his, you pay your bills, he pays his, you do your own routine at night, he does his. No where in there are you connecting.

If you've read through the basic concepts you've learned about the Love Bank model. You deposit love units by meeting Emotional Needs. By living together you have the opportunity to deposit Love Units all day long. You will fall in love faster if you:

-Live together
-Find out how to efficiently deposit love units (what are his most important ENs and how does he like them met, and vice a versa)
-Find out how to remove withdrawals from the love bank (what do you do to each other the most that hurts the worst)

In order to achieve this and maximize success, you HAVE to schedule time together.

You need a MINIMUM of 20 hours spent exclusively with one another. You meet your 4 most intimate needs, these are needs that can be met by NO ONE else. Recreational Companionship, Sexual Fulfillment, Intimate Conversation, and Affection.

If you're already feeling distant, separation will be the death knell to your marriage.

Thank you, that's what I feel.

As I said earlier, I havn't had any feedback from my hubby, as he has only had the books & articles for 2 days.

I will speak to him about it tomorrow.

Do you have any 'words of wisdom', how I can approach the subject?

It'll be tomorrow because we are in Africa, & it's already 4.30 pm

I cannot tell you how much your advise is helping.
Thank you

ashlee, I would just tell him what we told you. Tell him that a separation will make it worse, and you know of a program that can teach you to fall in love again and resolve conflicts.

And the nice thing, ashlee, is that this is not a long drawn out program. If you eliminate lovebusters and start spending 20 hours a week together it won't take long for you to fall in love again.

Print this out and read it with your husband: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

I agree with ML. Just tell him you have a program you would like to try. If you are both on board and willing to try you will start seeing results pretty quickly.

Dr. H has coached people with this program for years successfully. He has said that for a couple who has never even been in love(married for financial reasons) it took them 3 months of following the program. On the other end he describes a couple who were held together by drug addictions. After they eliminated the addiction it took 9 months to fall in love. My point is, it will take time and will be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but if done right, it will only take a few months to see progress- not years.

Good luck!
We're here for you.

I have another question, I really hope you will be able to help me with.
After reading Dr Harley's Books and doing some really deep soul searching, I have to acknowledge that my Main Problem is I have Sexual Hang Ups/Inhibitions.
I am 49 years old & I don't remember Ever having 'initiated' sex with my hubby.
There is No physical reason, I'm physically fit, take good care of my body & yet......
I have never had any 'sexual education' and Sex was Never a topic spoken about, by my parents or even peers.
I feel, deep inside, that it's almost a taboo subject & pasttime!
Logically, I know this is crazy, but emotionally I draw a blank.
My hubby has a healthy sex drive, but I always seem to be putting the brakes on.
Do you have any suggestions?
I know that if I can get over this, our relationship will definetly take a turn for the better.

ashlee - I admit to not following along, but I just wanted to say that if the HNHN book is similar to the LB book, there is likely a chapter in there that will cover sexual inhibitions. Hopefully someone with the book will confirm that for us.

You can also do a search of the website for topics about sexual aversion and sexual fulfillment.

I would not separate. I would work the program. Approach it as a team. Remind your husband you're two intelligent individuals who can master this with some time and effort, and the doctor needs to stick to his day job - just saying.

Couple of thoughts:


Are you getting either of these? Do you feel 'in love' with your husband. Have you ever felt that way? Was there a time when you didn't 'put the brakes on', ever in your marriage? If so what was your marriage like at that time.

Is it possible you have an aversion to sex?
How to overcome Sexual Aversion

Are you able to orgasm? Do you know how? Since you've never had any sex ed, or discussed it, do you understand how the female body works in regard to sex? I'm not trying to be patronizing, but I've known women so timid about it they didn't even know what was what down there. I hope I don't offend.

I grew up and still live in a culture that places a strong emphasis on abstinence and waiting until marriage. While I like that, one of the drawbacks is often women are told again and again "If he loves you he'll wait." "If he respects you he wont try to have sex, he wont touch you this way or do that." And then after one little ceremony, the girl who always equated no pressure for sex with respect, love and care, now has to flip a switch and have sex. Now sex (because it is in marriage) means respect, love and care.It is a difficult transition for some to make.

There is a great book my aunt gave me right before DH and I got married called 'Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage' by Kevin Leman. DH and I actually read it together on the drive to our new home after we got married. As a warning, he does advise self exploration, especially in women so they can learn what they like or dislike, but if you can get to a point of comfort with your husband, I'd suggest you do your exploring with him.

Finally, are you able to talk to your husband about sex? Perhaps sitting together, NOT in your bedroom but in another room or on a walk together you can talk about your hangups with sex. This would need to be a safe, open, pleasant conversation. If you can't do that yet, implementing MB will give you the tools you need to have that conversation in the near future.

So have you had a chance to talk with your husband about MB? Are you still considering separation?

ashlee - I'm 47. I think at our age - going through perimenopause, acknowledging that our bodies have changed somewhat - it's normal to have some decreased confidence in our bodies.

However, you've said that you keep yourself healthy. It's summer...I'd begin with getting comfortable wearing less clothing in the privacy of your home and getting used to seeing more skin when you look in the mirror. Try to be more affectionate with your husband. That's something for me that I do have to think about. It doesn't come naturally, possibly because of my family of origin as well - so I can relate to that.

I will say that how we grew up doesn't have to define every facet of our being. You're an individual. This is your husband. You can be as good to each other in whatever way makes you both happy - with or without the approval of your parents. I know that sounds ridiculous at our ages, but it's important for that to sink in and to acknowledge that both your happiness matters in a very big way - and you don't need anyone else's approval to achieve that.

Also, Ashlee, Dr. H recommends this book (talked about in the LB book)

Woman's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction by Georgia Kline-Graber,R.N., and Benjamin Graber,M.D. (New York: Warner Books, 1975)

You could ask your husband to read the "Resolving Conflicts Over Sex" chapter in the LB book as well.

Begins on page 223.