Oh yeah, well you should probably be eating more Brussels sprouts too........

......good job Opt. You won't regret it. Besides, doing all your adventures on your bucket list is going to make you quite an interesting guy to date in the future.....

Which, BTW, you should write your list on here so we can help and encourage you......

Not

Ps......your as bad as my children.......they think I'm mean and spiteful too.......

I'm like you schtoop.......I was scratching my head too.......

If I had ended up D, I wouldn't have gone near a man with a 100ft. pole for a longggggggggg time.......after an A, men had no appeal to me.....

BUT as we can see, Opts thinking with the wrong head at the moment......

Not

Great description.....

I love the candor of this board.......

TBC

Go learn to needlepoint TCBY........it'll serve you better........

Not

We all progress on the road to recovery at our own pace, opt.

Right now, I can't see myself alone with a single woman. At all.

But I'm male, so I get distracted by the sight of an attractive woman. Sometimes I even think, "I wonder..." But then I turn away.

I agree with not. This is the time I'm rediscovering myself. I have every opportunity to do what I want, go where I want, when I want.

My comfort level would be greater if I had a steady source of income (or any income at all), but I'm networking, connecting to church, have taken some cooking classes and -- if my back doesn't disallow it -- am thinking of taking dancing lessons.

With every passing day I find I think less and less of The Leopard. And when I do, I find that my last memories of her are the most vibrant ones, and I find myself grateful that she went her way and forced me into going mine.

Our divorce has been official for three weeks now. My sadness is fading and it's already easy for me to refer to her as my "ex-wife."

Life goes on. As I learned in A.A., I am my worst enemy. If I can manage to stay out of my own way, God's way works just fine!

Geez, I hadn't thought of that!

I guess I didn't realize that guys who needlepoint are such hot commodities!

Time to dial 1 800 CROCHET for my local meeting time!!!

TBC

@Fred: Thanks for your insight as usual Fred.
"We all progress on the road to recovery at our own pace, opt."
You're right. I truly believe I will trasition well, but thanks to folks here I now see that my controls were set at brake-neck speed. I'm slowing down considerably.
@TBC: "Great description....."
Hey thanks! Big compliment - you're a good writer.
Hope all's well.
@nTf: "BUT as we can see, Opts thinking with the wrong head at
the moment......"
No, I'm just a romantic fool.
I have a mental bucket list a mile long. I'll get it on here asap. I'm not lacking for interests.
I'll address a couple other things as well later on. Thanks again for keeping me on track.
--see next post (my work computer doesn't allow long posts)
O

Hey Not,
trying to set limits around here. I know I should probably be in Plan B (right?), but I just don't know that I can pull that off (at least I know my weaknesses, and there are many).

STBxWW approached me (via phone) with an opportunity to attend Boston Pops rehearsal on Sat (all FOUR of us). I hemmed and hawed and told her I'd get back to her. Texted 1 hour later:
"Nothing personal, but my recovery plan does not include hanging out, I can take the kids or you can - your choice"
I'm also bowing out of my STBXnieces birthday party this w/e; I'm sure my absence will be felt by the family, but I'm not partaking in the fantasy D Xww has envisioned.

Am I on the right track?

YES!!!!!!!!

Now go eat some Brussels sprouts while scheduling your sky diving lesson which will take place after your 3 hrs of fishing.........

Not

Thanks guys.
Anniversary of D-day this w/e.
I'm not anticipating a big deal. Just another step in the process.
Will spend time with my cousin and the kids and doing some more work in the house.

happy 4th everyone!

O

I was thread-jacking over on MB101 (Patriot's "Back Again" thread) and decided to move (most of) Vibrissa's response to me over here.

[Quotes are Vibrissa's]

[Vibrissa, I edited out the details, but thanks so much for sharing your story & perspective]

These words are giving me a lot to go on. The last 2 people in the world I want to bring more pain to would be S15 & D8. And the converse is also true: by focusing more attention on them, especially through this transition period, they can only stand to gain. Diverting my attention to a serious relationship with someone (especially before I'm ready) doesn't do much for them, and could be quite harmful.


Okay, that makes sense. And this is the basis for the advice I'm getting to "do more limit setting" and set my boundaries (a real weakness for me).






I think I've been lucky in many respects. The A wasn't incredibly blatant (not like many I see on these boards). I still have no evidence of PA, and the remnants of the EA's are all but gone- she hasn't been seen with a male companion in a couple of months. The D process has not been acrimonious. I've availed myself to several good sources of support including these groups. I'm optimistic. I understand the apathy is not spiteful, it's just 'letting go.'


10-4.

opt

I'm really glad you see this. I can't event to begin to describe the emotional turmoil and pain that is caused within a child when divorce occurs.

My parent's divorce occurred when I was two. I don't even remember it, but I've been told stories of my behavior at that time and I do remember growing up with the affects of it. My father's second divorce, which I described occurred when I was about 12, was devastating and that was only to my step-mother.

Your kids really need you right now. I promise they do, even if they act like they don't, they do. They will remember later your behavior at this time - it will inform their own opinions on life, and family and their own importance.


Exactly. Your ex will not protect you - that is why the divorce is happening. She has no interest in your good or well being, not really. You need to protect yourself.

Boundaries are important because people only treat you the way you LET them treat you. YOU are in control of how you are treated. You can only be abused if you LET yourself be abused. Learning healthy boundaries NOW, is what you need. This is the best time to do it, as you recover, as you gain perspective on what went wrong, how you ALLOWED this abuse to happen, and how you perpetrated abuses of your own.

Armed with this information you can create healthy boundaries, so you don't again run the risk of marrying the same kind of woman and teaching her the same types of behaviors for interacting with you.

You can avoid coming back around to this spot.


That is really really great. I'm glad that, this, at least has been good (well as good as it can be in these circumstances).


Exactly. And part of that letting go is going through a natural mourning process for the loss of the relationship.

Again this is something you have to process and go over on your own.



Building your relationship with your kids, building good boundaries, grieving, rebuilding your family - all of these important steps would be hindered or stopped if you began focusing on a new relationship. I think you get this - but I emphasize it for others reading along.

I know Hollywood and Society tells us the stories of the amazing woman, the breath of life and fresh air that breezes in and fixes the broken family, becomes the new perfect mom for the kids, fills the void the husband feels in the loss of his wife. She was the answer to what they needed.

It's a pretty story, but just as deceiving as anything else out of Hollywood.

YOU and your sons can fix this, you can recover. You don't need another woman.

I'm really hopeful for you Opt - I've been reading your story since you got here. I think things can only get better for you. I'll get off my soapbox now. Thanks

Vibrissa, thanks so much for your thoughts. They mean a lot, really. I'm tempted at times to veer from my path and your words ring in my ears every time. I must protect myself, and I must protect my children. They deserve everything I can give them right now and that means being the absolute best I can be. They deserve all my attention.
I spend a lot of time with them. My house is peaceful and I try to make it tranquil. TV time is limited. We do things together. It's hard to be a single parent, but I'm trying and I think they notice.


You're right, this is the best time to analyze what has gone on, without the distraction of another individual in the mix. Interestingly, from the little reading I've done on boundaries (the book "Boundaries"), I guess my FW didn't have much in the way of boundaries either. I'm quite sure she was afraid to bring things up with me for fear of my reaction (I knew nothing of LB's and their destructiveness). What's important in all that is that my children are holding onto some of the same fears ~ even though I've had nary an EO since last September; point: I feel I have a great opportunity to emulate and teach them something about boundaries and assertiveness through all this and as we move forward. Just another positive to come from the tragedy of D.

**Another interesting point is that STBxWW has been quite respectful of the boundaries I've been specific about. Hasn't added anything to the ole $LB, I'm still satisfied to be heading for D from her; but it sure has made it easier for me to focus on my own goals.


Strangely, I really don't feel the remorse, grief, or mourning any more. Could I have done all that leading up to and shortly after the filing? Could I have been that unhappy in the M? Am I just so selfish I'm happy to be free and on my own? Is it the novelty? As for sadness, I'm really more sad for my kids. Hmm.


Feel free to repeat, repeat, repeat on this thread.



Thanks so much V. I hope I can someday help others the way I've been helped.

~optimism

lol, Vibrissa, I never knew you to be a woman of few words.

opt

You are helping me just about every day on top of helping others here and also dealing with your own life. Thanks!

Sometimes I think I talk too much.... DH agrees.

It might be a little late to get feedback at this point, but I'll give it a go anyway.

I've been trying to set and respect my boundaries with STBXww. Contact has been minimal and related only to the essential business and logistics of raising the kids (all their wheres and what-fors). She seems tense and uncomfortable, presumably because she wants to respect my position but also wants her fantasy D where everyone gets along and forgets the past.

Anyway, tomorrow is D8's birthday party. It's two phased. I was hoping to take her and her little friends into Boston for a party and then let ww do the sleepover portion at her condo. Unfortunately, the little cutie wants us both at the lunch in town.

The thought of being in the same room with xWW turns my stomach, and I also don't think it's good for my recovery. As it is, having read tlcanuck's thread I'm really amped up about adultery right now - that brought back some bad feelings and I feel like I've regressed this week. I also don't want ww to get the wrong idea and think I'm trying to make $LB deposits, or accept any either.

But I can't break my little angel's heart. With what we've put her through in these last months (taking only my share of the blame, mind you), I feel she deserves to have one wish.

Advice????
Is there a way to set up the "ground rules" and then go?

opt

Let me ask you this, Opt.

What about her 9th birthday? What about Christmas? What about Arbor Day? My point is, you do it THIS TIME, aren't you kind of setting precedent?

If you're uncomfortable with it, and XWW is there (and presumably uncomfortable), won't D8 pick up on that? And what good is that?

TBC thinks it might be a good idea in theory, but the reality may be far from the "wish" she deserves.....

Just my take, though......

TBC