Schoolbus, great advice and counsel to SW. Control -- the toughest battle but the most effective.

SW, today is my 2 year D-Day anniversary. I did not even cry. Time does make such a difference.

I am looking out of different eyes these days. Yes, it changes you. This is the club no one wants to belong.

But please believe it will get better. Read the 5 million pages of my thread. I was (sometimes am) the queen of obsession.

Today I am in a much healthier place. I cannot save XH, I don't like this man and the woman he has chosen is much less.

I love my old husband, the guy who my DD called her hero, the guy who would have run in a burning building to save his family, the guy who was so ethical and truthful to a fault. If he ever returns I will know it.

Do I fall down some days -- absolutely but they are getting to be farther and few. I have regained my confidence and I have never looked better. These changes never would have happened without all of this A garbage.

You are blessed with a loving wonderful son. My daughters have been my rock. I owed it to them to stand strong again. You will get to that place.

Hope you had moment of happiness this weekend, even if it was to see a beautiful sunset while sitting outside.

You can't change the wayward, only yourself.

Blessings

I was just telling my Mom this today. I said, "Here is the eternal optimist in me, but I would never had started improving myself had WH not had an affair and I be forced into this sitch." Not like I am gonna send him a thank-you card. THAT would be pushing it.

Yeah... like that book title "My Husband's Affair Became the BEST Thing That Ever Happened to Me."

I can think of thousands -- no MILLIONS -- of things that I'd consider "best" than my H's affair. I'd choose a root canal -- it saves my tooth, it eases my pain, it costs money BUT it's over relatively fast.

Like childbirth.

I'd choose being PREGNANT at 47 over living through an affair.

Because -- like you guys, Scotty and Hope -- my H's affair keeps giving and giving me GRIEF!!!

Need to contact Emily Post and ask what the proper way to thank the gift that keeps on giving. Maybe we should all send a thank you know to the POSOW and say "please enjoy my leftovers, my H has never looked worst while I look like a Goddess. Here is a cookie".

HH as for having a baby at 47? Immaculate conception?? I just watched some television program where one woman was 65? 53? whatever. Stranger things have happened!

SW sorry forthe tj

Feel free to tj anytime...:)

I know I promised to stay off, but I couldn't do it totally. SB's posts helped me sooooooo much. I copied and printed off what I am to say to ds when he returns and I have even been practicing it. I've also been working on getting my heart ready to not only ACT different but BE different.

I went to bed last night around 11 and cried myself to sleep...woke up to a text from OW's BH...he asked me if I am 'watching from afar.' A quote I got off here...from SB I think about how to just watch and wait FROM AFAR as WH and OW blow themselves up. I told him, 'trying. Sucks.' That was all that was said about our WXspouses...he gave me an update on his professional success and said he would chat with me today because he was going to crash. I was proud of myself for refusing to start up a big old conversation with him about what had transpired.

I was due to be at a volunteer site at 9:00 this morning. I woke up at 3 and could'nt sleep so took a mild pill....I woke up at 8 with swollen eyes, a headache, and ZERO desire to go volunteer for ANYTHING. Then I remembered that helping others is a great way to keep from feeling sorry for oneself..so I jumped up and went....my eyes were horrible looking, but thankfully no one commented. Came home a 12 and then went and took my mentally ill 'brother' to the store for snacks. Then I went to tan, got gas in my car....got a pedicure. Came home...studied my lesson for services in the morning....took my dog for a walk and then gave her a bath. Now I've had my shower and I'm sitting down with a bowl of fruit and a glass of wine.

I feel MUCH better tonight.

Something amusing...and helpful....one of my Xneighbors is OWs boss. My ds was well known on our small street....he had a tradition of carting everyone's trashcans back to their garages after trashpick up. He did it in rain, snow, heat...whatever. Several would give him money which was an added bonus. OW's boss's wife often commented on my FB page how wonderful of a kid he was..and just before we moved she gave him a $20. Well, last night and today a good friend posted on my FB wall 'are you ok?' I made a few comments on there....one being 'the law is wrong that forces a mother to send her child off with the woman who broke up child's family.' My friends were consoling me, encouraging me...and I posted this afternoon that I felt better and listed all that I had done for myself today...well Boss's wife posts on there! She made some comment about turning a situation around and making it into something good is a God thing. I feel fairly confident she knows ALL about OW and I also feel fairly confident she is on MY side...she is a first and only and long time wife...

So, now it is almost 9 and my day tomorrow will be full..if I can force myself to sleep tonight and get going in the morning....ds will be home before I know it so I can get to the business of apoligizing to him and STOPPING my hysterical and bad mothering.

You are all lifesavers.

I am so glad you feel better. Although I told you to GIT, I was hoping that you had read SB's posts. A little part of me(okay it is a HUGE part but HEY) is envious of other people who get attention from SB. SHE is GREAT.

I like how you did some things for yourself. Stay out of the drama and become very unemotional in your dealings with your XWH. I think you will see a real change. Did you read the art of war yet? BTW, what colour did you get on your tootsies?

I was glad I cheated and got to read SB's posts to me too. She is Gold. She just makes me feel like I can actually DO this. Be a better mother.....stop the endless obessing....all that...

I have downloaded ART of War and started reading it...It feels difficult to read....but I am going to keep working at it. A few things did pop out at me...

My toes are GOLD!! Bronzy Gold.

Scotland, you have amazing self control in your personal life...the way you deal with your mom is just short of brilliant.

I had the benefit of a sort of Plan B against my parents when I was 20. We didn't talk for one full year. It was scary at first, but it really showed me that I didn't NEED them anymore. Funny thing is, I took solace in having my WH. Now, I have my kiddos and my Dad(my Mom sort of). Realizing that I didn't NEED them helped me establish my own boundaries. I want them in my life, so they are.

Don't get me wrong, I have yelled at her a couple of times. I TOO lose my cool. MB has helped me with EVERYONE though. BTW, I work at the customer service counter in a MAJOR retailer. I have a lot of practice with angry people looking for conflict and how to stay calm.

Can somebody please repost the link to Art of War? I was gonna bookmark it and then download and I can't find it again. UGH!! Please??

http://scienceofstrategy.org/main/content/art-war-pdf-download-translation-only

More heavy reading for you Cami? There is also a thread about it.

Here, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279149&page=1

LOL. I guess so huh? Gives me something to occupy my mind.

Hey, glad I actually helped somebody this week!




Good thing to hear in the morning! And I'm happy to hear SW smiling...at least in her posts.

I read an interesting scientific study yesterday. It said that if you pose your goals in the form of a question, rather than in the form of a statement, you are more likely to achieve a higher level of completion. For example:


Instead of "I will control my emotional outbursts"

state it as

"Will I control my emotional outbursts?"


The idea is that it goes to the cognitive bases behind the goal-setting that makes for the higher achievement. In the direct statement, the background thought is that you utilize a "willfulness" or your "strong desire to achieve a goal" in order to make the outcome happen. Your will power in action. So, in the direct statement, you are focused on a goal, and using will power to achieve it. The concept in the brain is a neutral, or sometimes a negatively enforced activity, because you are somewhat fighting to achieve a goal, sort of working "against" a behavior you believe you cannot control.

When a goal is posed as a question, however, your brain looks at it as a different type of issue. It is posed as a reasoning issue - Will I achieve this? You answer "yes, because I desire a more balanced lifestyle, to enrich my son's life, to enhance..." or the like. The brain sees the change in behavior as a positively-linked reasoning issue, as opposed to a negatively-linked issue of will power.


Perhaps if you pose the question, "Will I change this emotional outburst behavior?" and then respond to yourself, "Yes, because I desire ___________________________," your changes will occur more rapidly and to a higher degree.


The study I read was supported by many other studies, and showed to be quite strong across many different behavioral changes desired. Dieting, exercising, and other self-change work as well.


Perhaps worth a try.



SB

I can see this working....When I say the words to myself I actually catch myself looking upward as if to the future. Weird. I am going to try it....still practicing my apology to ds for when he gets home this evening.

Speaking of weird---I dreamed last night thw XWH was holding me. I felt he was cheating on OW and that made me very happy. In fact, I was having my friend take a picture of us hugging and I had plans to make sure OW saw it.

Boy, if THAT isn't a telling dream or what. Clearly I feel like she has 'won' somehow. Logically, all she has 'won' is a sorry cheater man 20 years older than she is. I don't want him! THere is no doubt in my mind I do not want him. So why do I care that they are together? Is it because I want him to suffer somehow and it appears he is not suffering because he has our house and the young girlfriend? Sooooo....guess I should ask myself

"Will I stop wishing harm comes to my XH?"

Worth a try.

Mean while I went to services this morning...just grabbed a bite to eat and now waiting for my friend to come over and help me turn ds's room into a 'lego room.'

Only 7 hours until he gets home!

Spent the entire afternoon with two of my girlfriends making ds's room into a LEGO room. Oh. My. Word. It is gorgeous. Can't wait to go shopping for bedding now. He got home just as we finished...he LOVES it.

Anyway, friends were still here when XH drops ds....I let ds in the door and reach for ds's bag from XH....he lets met grab the bag and then jerks it back hard and looks at me and drops it to the sidewalk. I just shut the door. Weird. VERY weird.

Friends leave and I give ds my apology. He takes it fine. I tell him I am so happy to have him home..that I missed him. Did he have fun? Yes he says....but then tells me about his dad telling him he has to let the 5 year old 'be right' because he is only 5. And ds wanted to spend more time on the wave beach but XH didn't want to and ds got upset having to leave that area and XH called him a baby...

I expressed mild sympathy...nothing over the top....Didn't ask questions....didn't let my mind wonder to the fact that OW was there. He mostly mentioned the OW's son...only mentioned OW a few times.....

Anyway, I think I did well...

Still curious why XH was so angry at drop off. Ds said, 'Maybe he was mad the whole weekend but just didn't show it.'

Out of the mouths of babes.

Well, next time, DS can bring his bag in and you won't even see XWH right?

You CAN do this. I am not some super human, I am a regular person who knows that when someone is harmful, I could have LESS interaction with them. I crave LESS pain(as I believe we all do) and I KNOW logically how to get it. That's why I get so mad at myself for "minor" slips. It will get better.

You see, your XWH pulled you right in to his little drama game. Stop being a player in this sick game of hurt SW.

TJ alert SB that was an AWESOME post about that article. It got the hamster in my mind spinning. It really does a WORLD of difference when trying to change a behaviour. Thanx./tj

I don't see any way to stop XH from walking to the front door. Seriously....he has been asked repeatedly to NOT walk ds to the door and yet in an entire year he has only NOT walked him to the door ONE time.I am going to talk to ds about me just having the door open when he is due home (as was mentioned to me sometime this weekend) but I will then have to worry that XH will just walk in.

I actually thought I did excellent and so did ds...sometimes ds will walk in and then go back outside to hug his dad bye AGAIN...last night I let him in and just reached out the door for ds's bag from XH's hands. I didn't even make eye contact with him and as soon as I realized he was jerking the bag back I just let go and quietly shut the door.



I agree he pulls me in...but unclear what I could have done differently. The more I ask him NOT to do something the more he will do it.....I really think I am better off just ignoring his drama and focusing my attention on not interacting with his drama...I mean in the past I would have either wanted to would have actually said 'What is that about? Don't be a jerk.' Last night I didn't even have the urge or thought in my head to say a word to him...I just disengaged..



Yes it was! I was awake for a couple of hours in the middle of the night---not uncommon for me lately...but I had a different thought process going around in my head...more hopeful....less terrifying and sad.

Looking forward today to going shopping for ds's new bedding for his new Lego room...it is sooooo cool!

On your 'to do different' list place the following:

I will leave DS's bag on the porch until xWH leaves the premises.

I will allow DS to bring his bag in by himself. I will be completely out of sight at drop off.

This will help remove you from any of the bag jerking moments. You gave your xWH the interaction he was looking for and you lapped it up. He's got you wondering why he jerked the bag and was angry. Your job is to remove yourself from those interactions and focus your attention elsewhere. Your WH and his drama have been like a drug to you that you need to quit cold turkey.

HOW do I keep XH from coming to the door? If I stay out of sight he WILL walk on in. At least if I let ds in I can stand guard and shut and lock the door.

And I did just leave the bag until he left. Ds went out and got it much later. I just shrugged and went back to visiting with my friends.

How do you know he will? Maybe he just wants you to think he will so he can mess w/ your head at the door.

Have you told DS that you don't want XH walking him to the door? Tell him to insist on carrying his own bag from the car, tell him to hug his father in the car, rather at the door.