Redeem me, I'm no picking on you. Seriously -I'm watching out for you. We are in the same place timing wise, although I am not a religious person, so I read your thread.

Something you said early on just hit me hard- you said you essentially got a no contact letter from OM through email. Can I safely assume you haven't sent something similar?

It strikes me that if that is the case, your H may be be led think that the only reason it ended was because OM decided to. I won't advise you on this point as imhave no idea - it doesn't seem like right now your H is a place to discuss a joint no contact letter (my H and I are just now talking about that).

What do you guys think about redeem me writing something very simple to OM along the lines of "I love my H, I will do anything to save my M, I respect your no contact letter, do not contact me either and email that to your H.

Just a thought - as I said I have no idea.

I haven't done a lot of reading on the MB plan for the initial steps in surviving an affair, mostly because I am having trouble finding this info easily. Where does it describe the no contact letter and plan A?

I've started reading Surviving an Affair (the book) and am only through chapter 3. I can relate to Sue's story quite a bit in that I felt like I was "in love" with the OM, that our relationship had grown from a friendship, and that I'm now having difficulty being fully okay without this man in my life. I haven't contacted him but, I admit, I've been tempted to at times. Don't worry, everyone, I'm not going to. Just being honest that I have experienced these feelings, but thankfully have not acted on them. I'm most tempted when I feel lonely and, with my BH moved out temporarily, I'm especially lonely. I've reached out to a few friends, but those friendships are not entirely satisfying that need within me. Just trying to learn to be okay with knowing there isn't a man right now who wants to be with me.

I also am realizing today that I essentially am recovering from two break-ups. Not to say that my relationship with the OM really was all that major, but I did feel like I was in love with him (not that I was, but I felt that way). I know that ending things with him was smart and the right thing to do, but it still is sad to be without his friendship at the very least. I had grown to trust him with so much... I know... stop thinking about him.

My H is away tonight with friends, so I will commit my time to my kids and then, once they're in bed, reading more on this site and from the SAA book.

Not sure that I need to write a No Contact letter. Here's how the final communication went:

- His wife found out about the affair and came to my home to meet with me. I was away so she left a letter in my mailbox for my H.

- I found the letter to my H and didn't give it to him, because I had already decided to tell him myself. (I had planned for a sitter the day I told him so that the kids wouldn't be around for that; so I was waiting until that day to tell him.) In the letter, she asked my H to text her so she knew he got the letter. I texted her instead (figured she'd be okay with that since she was planning on talking with me in person).

- I chatted via text with the OM's wife, saying my apologies. She told me how much the OM loved her, was showing his commitment to her through some changes he had made, etc. It was an awkward chat but it was clear that she was gracious and forgiving, was welcoming him back with open arms, and that the OM was devoted to being a better husband to her.

- I asked her if it'd be okay for the OM to write me a letter (through her) to provide some conclusion (essentially, a "no contact" letter, but I didn't know about this idea at that time. I felt it would be good for not only me to hear that he didn't care about me, but also good for her to read his words to me that it was over.

- I texted her that I would never contact either of them again.

- In the OM's final letter to me, he said to please accept this as the end to all communication between us all.

So... not sure that I need to write him anything.

(Sorry for lengthy explanation-- just trying to thoroughly explain.)

I asked my H if he felt that I needed to do something like the No Contact letter, and he said that he wanted to personally call the OM and tell him to stay away. He doesn't seem to be going to go through with this, though. At first it was because he was too enraged and would likely say something that could be taken as threatening, but now I think he just doesn't want to do it. Not sure what is right to do or not at this point. It's been a few weeks since the OM's final letter to me-- seems like it's too late to do something like this now.

I do have a desire for the OM to know that his actions hurt our family, especially because I feel like he's getting off easy since his wife appears to be taking this well. So, I actually think it'd be good for my H to contact the OM. He needs to know that he caused great pain for our family, even if that's not the case for his family.

Did you give BH the letter? Has he spoken with BW? Have you given full disclosure of the A details to BH?

My H doesn't really see the need for the letter. He has not spoken with the BW (should he?). I've disclosed all that my BH has asked about-- I figured it would be best to disclose details as he asked for them, so it's all at his pace and only what he cares to know.

I was talking about the letter that BW left in the mailbox for him...did BH ever see that letter? BH should speak to BW. It may be awkward but it is to his benefit.

There is a thread that I started for newly betrayed spouses, it is a guide through this site. You could start with that thread and then find other things to read. Read FWS's threads and see what they were advised.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

RM,

Just make sure at some time in the near future you tell him that you are willing to tell him the whole truth if he wants it. Ask him is there anything you need to hear from me?

I didn't ask my wife all the details 20 or so years ago, and now she feels I should just let it go, not gonna happen.

Gamma

Redeem me, you have abruptly gone from having at least some of your emotional needs met by two men to having no emotional needs met by anyone and it is a situation of your own making but the kids still need you so you can't afford to break down.

You are in emotional wasteland..

Breathe my friend. You aren't alone.

And by the way, I follow melody lane around this forum like a puppy. She posts, I read. You might do the same...

Saddestwife, you recently confessed to an affair? How are you doing with your withdrawl? I was just reading "How Affairs Should End" (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html) and I think "withdrawl" is a good word for how I'm feeling.

I also appreciate the way you said "you have abruptly gone from having at least some of your emotional needs met by two men to having no emotional needs met by anyone". Very true. It's such a sad place to be but a situation of my own doing. Affairs only leave you feeling more lonely.

I'm thankful that the OM and I ended it before his wife or my husband found out. It at least gave us some sense that we had ended it, and we weren't ending it because we were caught. I can imagine that being caught and forced out of the relationship makes it all the more likely that the WS would return to the lover. At least in my situation, the OM knew I chose my H over him and I knew he chose his W.

I told my H about the letter but he wasn't interested in reading it. It wasn't much of a letter, just basically told my H about the affair and said he could text her to ask questions if he wanted. He didn't want to contact her. He thinks she's weak for taking her WH back right away with little issue made of his affair, and thinks that she's setting it up for her WH to do this to her again. Thus, he doesn't want to talk to her because he feels she's a "sucker" (as he put it).

I spent a lot of time reading articles on the MB site last night and I've been thinking this morning about how I was emotionally able to stay in that affair for so long. Although I definitely was "in a fog" to some extent, I would bring up often to the OM my feelings of guilt and struggles with the reality of what we were doing. He was more in a fog than I was, would not admit what we were doing was wrong, and I was trying to help him out of it throughout the entire affair. I actually tried to break it off with him a few times, and he still didn't recognize the affair for what it was.

So, this morning, I'm wondering about what exactly that means that I wasn't entirely in a fog but still desiring to be with the OM. Makes my intentions for being in an affair sound all the more cruel, like I was intentionally hurting my H, but I actually think it shows how much I had given up on my M.

Anyone else feel this way, that you weren't fully in a fog?

Nice try!

You did it.

By definition you were in a fog.

You are still searching for meaning so you are still in a fog. It isn't the time for that now. This is the time you should be spending developing empathy for your H and gathering your emotional resources to meet his needs.

You felt bad about it. Means you have a conscience.

Stop fighting it, recognize it, accept it NOW because you are just prolonging the healing.

There will be a time to address all of your issues, which is why I strongly encourage you to write them down. That time is not now.

Read the articles on the site about infidelity -- his view, her view, etc. I think there are around 25 of them -- I read the 20 that applied to me several weeks ago and re-read a few of them over the last couple of days trying to identify a handful that I want my BH to read.

My OM was a fog machine...."why are you so upset? You aren't hurting anyone.... You are too emotional. You think too much...," etc.

I was in a fog. I'm now dealing with the reality of how much I had given up on my M and my H even before the affair, and now I am here in this moment and wondering if I can pull it together and motivated myself to go forward with my H. I want to, we have kids, and I want our family to be together for their sake. But I want to be doing this mostly for him and not for the kids (otherwise we'll be building a marriage like we had before, kids first).

I'm being honest with y'all. 2x4 me all you want, just sharing my feelings. I'm a "textbook" WS.

I hear you on that - it's a toughie. I'm struggling with the same issue. I swing wildly from I really want to save my M, to I want to want to save my M to I have zero interest in saving my M.

I am mad as a a wet hornet at how he treated me for so many years. The A didn't do one thing to alleviate that fury.

At times it helps me to think of the M as a separate being that I am trying to save. And at times (now being one of them) I think that's a bunch of BS.

And then I remind myself I'm not making good decisions right now, nothing I think or feel is to be trusted, and I bake some more muffins and plant some more flowers.

My M wasn't great. My H ignored me. We didn't spend enough time together. I wasn't getting my needs met. We put our children first(well, until my WH decided to go have an A with a co-worker). I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. Why? Because I had stronger boundaries than my WH. THAT'S IT. I protected my marriage from intruders and myself BETTER than my WH. If he comes home, I will not give a rat's azz if he "tried" to break it off a zillion times. THAT won't matter at all. What WILL matter is what he will be doing in the FUTURE to ensure that this does NOT happen again.

History re-write is ridiculous in a WS. You need something else to blame, someone else to blame. Take responsibility for YOUR actions. Until you can figure out what YOU did wrong, where you are at FAULT and stop blaming your BH, you won't grow.

BTW, BOTH RM and SW, it is NOT up to YOU if you will save your marriage, that is the choice of your BHs. You need to convince them that you are worthy of being married TO them. You need to show them that you are willing to do whatever you need to to protect your marriage and to care and protect them.

Either way, you need to make yourselves better. You need to work on yourself and learn where your faults are and how to improve YOURSELF. You need to make amends with yourself, your husband and your children.

Staying No Contact is a great FIRST step. Remember these feelings you are going through and understand that every time you have contact, you will have to go through this again and agian. And so will your BHs and your children. THAT would NOT be protecting THEM.

Keep learning. Keep posting. Do the work. The people trying to help you are well meaning. If they give you a 2x4, ask yourself WHY? Listen to them. Eventually, it WILL all sink in, as long as YOU are willing to do the work.

[t/j]
One of the better definitions of "forgiveness" I've heard is that forgiveness means giving up the right to punish.

Accepting that definition, then hanging onto that right is the antithesis of forgiveness. Saddest, you're hanging on to the right to punish your husband. You're keeping long accounts. How do you plan to square that with wanting his forgiveness?

It's written that perfect love keeps no record of wrongs.