I am in a very bad state at this point in time. My marriage has severely fallen apart. My husband and I have been married 3 years and have 3 kids (2 are from a previous marriage of mine). In August of 2008 my husband was given notice that he would be laid off come January 2009. He began to look for work and ended up taking a much lower paying position while he kept looking for something in his field. In July of 2009 he was offered a great position in Columbia, Missouri (we live in North Carolina) that he just couldn't pass up. We enthusiastically agreed to give it a try because it's what he really wanted. I tried to move out there as well but the courts denied my kids relocation away from my ex. At this point my husband was not receptive to leaving his new job and we limped through. Our communication (while never very good) broke down to nothing and it came to the point where all we did was fight. I asked my husband repeatedly to reconsider moving back home but he refused. I told him that I cannot meet his needs at a 1000miles and he was not able to come home but every 3-4 weeks (sometimes more). In May I went to visit my husband and showed up 3 days earlier than anticipated. He almost had a stroke and quickly ran up to strip the sheets off the bed and throw them in the laundry. Soon thereafter I found explicit pictures of his coworker on his work phone. He got so mad at me and banged me about a bit for being nosy! Then he started locking his phone at all times claiming company policy. He has always been all about privacy but expects my full disclosure which I have always done. I have no secrets. I love my husband. A week later he flew into a rage because I got mad that he wouldn't stop texting on the evil work phone and threw me across the room and then flung me down on the floor. I asked to call the police because I was in major pain but he refused me and apologized and told me I provoked him. We limped along, all the while I could feel he was cheating on me maybe with the coworker, or not. I accessed an old email account and found hotel reservations and emails and more pictures so I asked him about it. Soon thereafter he confessed that he had been having an affair (for the last 5 months) with someone he picked up at the bar during a client dinner! I was so hurt about all the lies and coverups. All the times he didn't come home because he was with her. He was willing to forsake our marriage and our family for someone else. He admitted to hanging out with her, going on dates, sleeping with her! I was crushed because even though he admitted to it and I agreed to forgive and forget his secret behavior did not end. It became worse. I cannot live in Missouri and he refuses to come back to North Carolina. He has used the 1000mile barrier to not speak to me for days and hide all his activities. I do not know what he does, where he goes. He has a second life that he is unwilling to share. He says I don't need to know anything he does out there. He tells me he loves me but that he doesn't think our relationship will work anymore and we should get a divorce. He isn't willing to stop lying and has locked me out of everything financially, emails, I don't even know where he's living. He lies about everything and gets mad when I point out his lies. I am in severe depression and distress. I can imagine just checking out with my kids and no longer having to live such a difficult existence.

Sorry this has happened to you.

I think you should take your WH up on his offer to divorce. You need to protect yourself and your children from this abusive man.

Sorry for what you have been going through. Sounds like a nightmare.

Your husband has been incredibly abusive toward you...both emotionally and physically. Your husband has no interest in being open and honest with you. Your husband has no interest in behaving like a married man committed to his family. Your husband has made the choice to turn his back on you and your marriage and has the perfect set-up for his infidelity since you live so far away.

I'm sorry but I don't see that there's much left to save, or much opportunity to save it.

I think you need to get a good attorney and focus on protecting yourself and your kids at this point.

The moment he raised his hand to you this issue became more than 'just an affair'. You should take his physical abuse very seriously and frankly, it should be a deal breaker.

Can I ask why you didn't call the police and have him thrown in jail?

I want to save my marriage! I am at a loss for how to do it when we live 1000miles apart and he refuses to come home. He refuses to give up his career. I have read all of Dr. Harley's books and know he cannot continue to work in the same state he has a lover(s) and at a job that does not make me happy or fulfilled. I wish he would return and want to work on us. I love him and we have so much at stake. I don't have money or a job and don't know how I would support our kids. I am so scared! He won't take phonecalls though or reply to texts. He promises to come see us but he never shows. He says he loves me but only calls to yell and curse me. I am so confused. He seems to lie about everything. What can I do? I am a true believer based on Dr. Harley's books as well as Love & Repsect by Emmerson Egerich, that we can fix whats gone wrong. I am also terrified he is in the "Born Liar" category and cannot be fixed. I do not want to endure another divorce. It's too painful

He wouldn't let me call the police and then he swore it would never happen again and he was just so sorry. He said if I called and filed a report he'd never be able to get a job anywhere to support our family. I believed him. Now I just want to curl up and die for fear that this has spiraled too far out of control and he doesn't really care about me or our kids.

Even Dr. Harley supports divorce in the case of abuse, and your H has been very abusive to you - physically, emotionally, and mentally. For your sake, and for the well-being of your children, you need to get out of this marriage. Do you have any family that can help you out while you look for a job and get back up on your feet? You're going to need a lot of support to get through this.

ok, you don't need permission from your husband to call the police. You are a grown woman and should have called the police.

Your husband is a wife beater. On that basis I would file for separation on grounds of adultery and physical assault and get yourself legally protected.

Once you do that, I would go into Plan B and make it a condition of reconciliation that he attend anger management classes among many other things, such as end his adultery.

I would also get a restraining order against him in addition to a handgun. Do you know how to shoot a gun?

You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you're ready to have him come home.

• You allowed him to hit you with no consequences
  
• You're in the position of begging him to come home without him showing true strength of character to do the right things by you and your shared child.
  
• You continue to retreat to a position of weakness with every interaction.
  
• You need to learn that you have value in and of yourself, without identifying yourself as "Mrs."
  
• Your children need a strong mother who knows how to protect them from an abuser first, and require good behavior out of their father/father-figure if he's going to be around.
  
• You have to figure out what you want out of your marriage that you haven't been getting, and refuse to live without from here on out.
  

See - there's a ton of work without you calling him and texting him and worrying about what he's doing or who he's with. You're not in a place to require fidelity until you do these above steps.

So, Plan A - expose what he's doing, violence and cheating to family and those who have influence on him to insist he end it. Work on being a better woman - a better mother, so that all of his nasty selfish demands have no credibility with you. Work on insulating yourself psychologically from your abuser. Talk with a shelter worker about his abuse and get legal counsel.

Then Plan B - write your plan b letter and post it here - make sure that it's short, sweet and to the point that he doesn't get to come home or be in contact with you until he clears the appropriate BEHAVIORAL changes with an intermediary.

See? You have lots to do without worrying about him!

Worth saying again! Amen Mel!

Domestic Violence
Letter #1

Introduction: This week, instead of printing the questions of two people, I am featuring a series of three letters, and my answers, from one person. The letters begin with concern for her safety and end with her in a shelter for battered women. It is at this point in her nightmare that her choices may mean the difference between life and death. For more information on this subject, refer to my column, Angry Outbursts.

Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given.

If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.

Throughout my career as a marriage counselor, I have done whatever I can to save marriages, but when it comes to domestic violence I draw the line. Unless a spouse can guarantee the other's safety from their own anger, I don't believe they should live with each other.

Domestic Violence - continued here

When you say this what do you mean? A statement like is to be taken very seriously.

If you feel like you are to the point of wanting to hurt yourself and/or your children you must get help IMMEDIATELY!!!

"I can imagine just checking out with my kids and no longer having to live such a difficult existence."

THIS IS A SCARY STATEMENT. You need immediate professional help to stabilize. And I don't mean in 5 minutes. I mean NOW. Call your local battered woman's shelter or hotline or suicide hotline this VERY SECOND.

It is one thing to talk about "checking out" yourself. The fact that you mention "checking out" with your kids shows the depth of your despair. This forum is not equipped to deal with that level of despair. You are spiraling down -- isolated and afraid and hopeless -- you have to stop that process.

Look at your children's faces and go pick up the phone. Please.

You do NOT need a handgun.

What do you mean by this statement, Helpme?