We have a new counselor and FINALLY 2 months into withdrawal someone brings up the need for my H to grieve the loss of the OW. We had been through all the intellectualization of all the contributions to his affair, what to change with us, his needs/her needs, but my H seemed stuck. So we backed up and discovered he can't seem to let go of the OW. This is necessary, but I think he'll have a VERY difficult time with it, and meanwhile I sit and twiddle my thumbs and try to hold on to the hope he can process her loss. It's too scary. How can I help him, or can I? Please respond if you have any insight. Thanks.<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Jenn,<P>Well, no words of wisdom really, but I've been there and I know what he's going through. It's terribly hard to let go. It's a decision that comes in your head and it just takes loads of time. Heck, I haven't really let go 100% either! Maybe 85%... but I gain a percentage point every now and then. It's a daily struggle. It sucks, pure and simple. <P>Here's something important to think about -- your husband needs to be able to grieve for the OW and not feel inhibited. His grief needs an outlet and he shouldn't feel like he can't show it because it might hurt you. This may sound awfully hard for you to deal with... I don't know what to say about that... but it's true anyway.<P>So I guess the best way you can help him is by letting him grieve, letting him be depressed over losing the OW. Yes, twiddle your thumbs and wait. Sounds yucky, but that is part of what he needs.<P>Also, of course, you can show him that you love him and don't love bust, which I know you said you already do. So that's good. <P>--andy

Andy--<BR> Thanks as always for your input. It means alot to me, because I know my H is right behind you in the process. Funny thing how you had just told him last week that he has to deal with the idea of the OW never being in his life again and now the counselor sends the same message. <BR> Hang in there with your wife. I trust you're taking time to just cut loose and have crazy fun together. We must! This all stinks and we just must enjoy life........if we can through all the pain. That's what we're all here to help each other with, right? Keep posting.....and stay tuned....<P>Jenn <P>------------------<BR>

Yeah Jenn, we've been having fun times. Over the weekend we went out to a club and saw some cool rock bands. On Sunday we went roller-blading (which I'm really enjoying alot). It helps to do stuff that takes your mind off the bad stuff.<P>--andy

Andy--<BR> Tell me what you think of this.....I asked my H tonight if he feels ready or WILLING to try to let go of her. He still says he can't imagine living the rest of his life without her. Remember, they have known one another since 4th grade. He says they just have an unbelievable ability to open up and talk to one another.....to the tune of a $1200/month cell phone bill in June. I honestly don't know how I can compete to this or if I want to try much longer. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and am up against a brick wall. I do remember when we dated spending countless hours into the night just talking, but he seems to have conveniently forgotten all that. Or else it just doesn't compare to her. Sometimes I feel like I have endured sooooooooo much hurt that I honestly ask, is this worth it for either of us? How long can I carry our relationship by myself? Is it fair to our 2 young kids? HELL NO!!!!! I don't know how long I can persevere. Probably a long time, but when does it start to compromise the person that I am? That has already happenend, but here I still am......does that mean I'm weak, ignorant, stupid, what???? Sometimes I get really confused about it all. I am still in love, but how long can and should that last? Man, these are tough questions that I sure as hell hope no friends or family of mine EVER have to answer!! Thanks for listening.<P><BR>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Well Jenn, I understand how your husband feels and I only knew my OW for around a year and a 1/2. Ugh. That's a toughy!!!<P>Only you can know how much to endure. If you think it's just not gonna work out, well then you know best. I don't actually think you've given it enough time, but I don't know you, you know you.<P>If your husband knew her for so long, he (and you) are in for a LOOOOONNNNGGGG withdrawal. I honestly don't know if I can tell you with any certainty that it'll be worth it in the end.<P>I suggest you start thinking about yourself and what the possible outcomes could be. Get yourself ready for anything. If your husband isn't committed to making the marriage work, then it won't. Or at least it'll be ALOT harder. <P>I still think you should give it more time and give your husband more time too. I don't want to be a downer here. But you do have a valid question about whether it's worth it.<P>Also, sosad posted a site about surviving loss and dealing with grief. It's at this post : <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008373.html" TARGET=_blank>Survivingloss - website to help EVERYONE heal</A>. Check it out. Maybe it'll help your husband too.<P>--andy

I have no words of widsom...but, I think that it's a good thing that your husband is being so honest with you about his withdrawal. That proves that he trusts you enough with his deepest feelings and that you a truly a good friend of his. <P>You sound like you truly are concerned for his well being and care about him deeply...it also sounds like you haven't been love-busting at all. <P>I wish I could give you some profound advice...but, hang on for a little while.<BR>Keep doing what you're doing because showing that you care will make it more

Jenn-<P>I am new to this but I must say that in my case what Andy has posted is very true. You may want to give your husband some perspective of things he should be thankful for on how you are trying to cope, stay and re-build. Your husband needs to understand he is a lucky man. My wife decided not to accept a more than a 60 day withdrawl period where I slipped and saw the OW once. She demanded an immediate Plan B that lasted for only 7 days then I received the papers.<P>Give you husband the perspective that letting his relationship with the OW will take withdrawl, grieving and some depressed times. But that he is also very lucky to have a woman to is trying her best to "Hang In There" cope the best she can and keep the process moving forward and not backward! This might help him see a different side.<P>Hope you both find success on your road back to each other and your relationship. I hope you are successful.<P>mr rlk

I actually have a question. Why is the withdrawal so hard? You should be able to get thru it just like the ending of any other relationship. Right?

<BR>suz32,<P>Part of what makes withdrawal so difficult is that the whole affair is a fantasy, and the participants never get to see the warts in the OP. As a result, they are left trying to grieve the loss of a "perfect" person from their life.<P>Bystander

Bystander - how true!