Just a week ago, my wife revealed that she has been having an affair for over a year. Her lover's wife discovered what was going on, confronted him, and he tucked tail and ran from the illicit relationship. Now, my wife and I are left to pick up the pieces.

After reading a lot of what's on here, I realize that there first step is for her to experience withdrawal from the relationship, but this is problematic since they both work together.

Normally, I would be very strong about my wife quitting her job; however, im afraid of pushing too hard. She has told me she realizes that one of them needs to go, but she is hoping that it will be him. It's like they are waiting each other out to see who will leave first. She has also told me that I can't push her to make this decision. I realize that she can't enter withdrawal until she gets away from him completely. I'm fairly convinced by others who know what's going on that the relationship is done - the other man is too worried about losing his family to risk it.

So, I've decided to give it some time to see if he will leave or or if she will. I don't want to push her with a deadline. But how long should I wait before giving an ultimatum? I can't wait forever for her to enter withdrawal. I'm so confused.

I would wait about one hour to give her an ultimatum. Putting this off will only entrench the affair and further erode your marriage. Your marriage can never recover as long as she sees her lover at work every day. I seriously doubt the affair has even ended. This is like a "recovering" alcoholic who goes to the bar every day and just changes the names of his drinks to "business drinks." He never sobers up.

So, I would wait an hour and go in there and tell her this will never work as long as she works with the OM. Ask her to give her notice on Monday because this is hopeless unless she does.



She will probably refuse. In that case, I would quietly expose the affair everywhere on Monday. [GIVE HER NO WARNING] Expose to Human Resources [we have a template], her parents, your close family, friends, and children.

That will likely change her mind about leaving the job by giving the affair a cold splash of reality. Exposure is your greatest tool in saving this marriage.

Exposure

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be sent to the Director of Human Resources and cc�d to the adulterers supervisors and a key VP. It is critical that this letter be sent to several people and this known by ALL so no one person can give into the temptation to bury the issue.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

I'm sorry but until she leaves that job you don't have a marriage

You don't give ultimatums. You just expose to her workplace and handle getting them separated yourself. Don't be afraid of pushing her away. She's already gone. NC is the only way to get her back. Don't show any fear and make her afraid of losing you

You betcha he does. He needs to do as exactly as Dr Harley says and demand that she leave the job or this is headed to divorce. This is not the time to be wimpy and run screaming from the room over the word "ultimatum."

Dr. Willard Harley: "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

I didn't realise either Dr Harley recommended ultimatiums in this case. But good on him! This is good.

But what if the WS refuses how does Plan A play a role then?

He would still do Plan A, which of course includes a nuclear exposure. And if she doesn't end her contact after a period of time, he would file for divorce and go into Plan B.


How is your new marriage going, Vladie?

UNPOPULAR POINT OF VIEW ALERT!!!!!!

If you can help your wife through withdrawal in a loving, supportive way, you can get on with the business of repairing your marriage that much sooner.

Do your wife a favor -- give her an ultimatum. She can start withdrawal now, or she can start it later, but to fix the M she's going to have to start it. I can't say whether the A relationship is over or not on an active level. But let me tell you where it is NOT over -- it is NOT over in her head. And she HAS to get OM out of her head.

Do it.

Fantastic thanks for asking, we just had a baby boy named Kai in January.

saddest wife, do you mind if we help this poster with MARRIAGE BUILDERS CONCEPTS? This poster is here for Marriage Builders, NOT our personal opinion.

Just a reminder that the purpose of this forum is help posters understand and implement Marriage Builders. If you can help this poster do that, please post. Otherwise please refrain from posting. Don't disrupt this thread!

I'm so sorry Sorry MelodyLane & HopingForBetter ... I will be more mindful of keeping my comments within the MB program in the future.

I think what I was trying to say was right -- WW needs to blasted out of her situation. But I imposed my stuff on it -- selfish of me.

HopingForBetter, I am a WW who is probably still in withdrawal. I have a different perspective the BS's -- obviously -- that might be useful to you at some point. But I was out of line just now. I'm so sorry.

With all due respect, you have the perspective of a falling down drunk. You are still foggy yourself. There is nothing that you can teach anyone right now. Nothing.

Sober up first, get into recovery, and then you might have something to share. But a falling down drunk has nothing to share. Sorry to be so blunt, but this man's marriage is in deep trouble and this is just disruptive to his thread.

17 yrs ago, my ex-H did that to me with one of his employees. I did NOT hesitate....Immediately called his District Manager. OW was transferred immediately to new location. Not long thereafter, both were fired. No regrets.

Betrayed Spouse Pitfall: Believing what your Wayward Spouse tells you.
Hint: WS lie lie and then lie some more.

I am willing to bet $$ she doesn't have any intention on leaving the job and also that he isn't either. However, she is going to say what she needs to to get you to back off so that she can continue getting her fix by seeing OM at work.

I am sorry you are here Hoping, but welcome to MB.

You are already getting pretty good advice, but just wanted to chime in since when I got here my H was also working with OW. Everyone hammered me with the same message ----> as long as they work together, the A is still on and R is impossible.

I thought my H was different. He swore on a stack of bibles it was over and they were staying away from each other as other coworkers knew what was going on, blah blah blah. Nope, it turned out to be a big lie. They were still seeing and talking to each other at work and it kept setting us back. It was like experiencing dday over and over...

Now that he has de-fogged, he will be the first one to tell you that APs working together doesn't work.

Definitely expose and definitely let her know that working with OM is NOT an option if she wants to save the M.

Hang in there. Keep posting!