BT,

You do realize that the best thing you can do to build your marriage is to hang out and enjoy being involved in each other's lives, don't you?

But we have to hang out to do that.

Its all hanging out with friends, mostly ignored except for, "can you get me a drink?"

K, so her dad got arrested for meth related stuff after we left there to go stay with some other friends. Lots of stuff to do.

I am the rock, calm in the face of this storm. Her amd brother keep asking me to do. I refuse to tell thyem, but when they decide something, I make it happen.

Such a crazy vacation.

Good grief BT. What the heck have you gotten yourself into there? Did you know your FIL was into drugs?

My goodness none of this sounds good at all.

He wasn't 6 years ago when I met him, but we have moved around because of the navy so hadn't seen him much. His GF has always been a "recovering" addict who just couldn't quite seem to recover.

Its a huge deal but not something I can't handle. Thankfully WW isn't an addict, just (apparently) both her parents.

Sheesh...

Is her Dad still in the slammer?

Yep, pleaded not guilty, deny all allegations.

He very well could of just been getting a ride to work with them, and not had anything on him. Lawyers we have talked to do say that that whole guilty by association does happen with his type of case, so just being in the guys truck could have lead to the charges.

The truck owner had a bunch of chemicals for manufacturing stuff in his truck, so all 3 people in the vehicle are being charged.

Or he might be neck deep in it and guilty as sin.

I don't know, just here to help my family.

So tell me BT. You've known him for a while. Is he innocent or full of bull?

I lean toward innocent but needs to dump this trash junkie GF and stop hanging aroung / dealing with her trash junkie friends. Birds of a feather and all that, nothing good comes from hanging tweakers. They are freaky, sketchy, unpredictable, amoral creatures.

Well, 'vacation' is over, on our way home.

So OMW let me know 2 days ago that WW and I are going to get a subpoena for a 13 Oct hearing to testify during her divorce proceedings. OM is still denying anything happened, not help OMW with bills, still doesn't have a job, denying that he was fired for misconduct related to this incident, and lying to son. WW has made a few comments about why we have to be involved with their business. She says not her problem once. I said, actually, it is. You guys did it, just because we act like its over and done doesn't mean consequences go away. Now you are getting screwed because he won't own up to his end so everyone has to be even more inconvenienced. If WW wants to blame someone, don't blame OMW for the subpoena, blame posOM who is making it neccesary.

It was an interesting discussion and we didn't fight or anything and still had a good night. Still checking up and monitoring her, but no indications of lying or sneaking still.

Sad WW is still protecting the OM. I hope you both get to testify.

If this wasn't so sad, it would be drop-dead funny. She didn't hesitate to get involved in OM's business before, did she?

Actually, this is a clear sign that she just doesn't get it. The Natural Consequences of her behaviour are coming home to roost but she doesn't see why. Do NOT protect her from them. They are the only way she will ever learn anything from this.

Had a few more discussions about this. All civil and nice so that's good.

WW was telling me some things that OM had told her about OMW, how OMW is crazy and stuff. I listened and then said "that's neat, but he is a proven remorseless liar, who had a GOOD motive to tell you stuff like that, so you could compare yourself to his crappy wife and feel so much better about yourself, sort of compliment by comparison. So I am willing to throw most of what he told you out the window as lies if it contradicts what anyone else had told me."
Also told her OMW thinks OM has done this many times and she just hadn't caught him with enough evidence till now. At first WW tried to say "no I don't think he had," till I said, well I would really prefer to believe he had done it half a dozen times, because that would mean he had a lot of practice at playing the game, saying the right things, and that it wasn't his first try and you weren't THAT easy.

I think that might have been a bit much, but I don't know. I really do believe that and I do think she was 'easy' and its one of the things that still pisses me off.

She brought it up again last night, we had some friends over that we hadn't seen in a couple years, and they had kinda heard something, so when they asked me, I gave them the scoop. WW noticed the difference in the husbands way of looking at her after he talked to me. WW asked me about it after they left and I told her. I asked her what she thought about it. She said she was sorry I had to talk about it again.

She used to make a big deal about "what right do they have to judge me" and not want to be around people that didn't approve of her actions, even when they were still polite and friendly. If they had told me they thought what she did was wrong, WW would be mad at them. Seems like she is getting over that and accepting that pretty much her, OM and other cheaters and liars are the only ones who are gonna think what she did was ok and not be upset by it. And if she wants to be accepted by normal people she is going to have to unlearn her justifications and learn to be upset by it again

Hi BT,

It has been awhile since I posted on your thread, and I am happy to see that you two seem to be making progress in recovery. The last time I posted I believe that the first tomatoes were coming out, and now today I am harvesting the last ones and taking out the plants!

Anyway, I just caught up on your current sitch and wanted to tell you that you seem to have a very mature and wise approach to the way you are dealing with your M. Compared to some of the things I have read here it is very refreshing!

Yea, your W is going to be uncomfortable returning to the scene of the 'crime'. However, I feel by her having to give testimony in this case, and perhaps hearing some facts about this OM, will help her measure her 'justifications' against reality. It should help her realize how easy it is for some people to allow themselves to be used by others, for whatever reason.

Keep up the good work, and best wishes!

Tom

I have to say that what you said to her about you hoped that it was not his first situation and that he was experienced about how to persuade her and that surely she was not that easy is pretty dang funny. I'm sure that shut her up. I am a former BS as well as a WW and I often times think.....how stupid was I for believing what the POSOM told me. I think about that every day.

@itsamess - thank you so much for sharing that. I am sure my WW probably thinks of the same thing or something similar. She has said on a few seperate occasions that she feels used, stupid, hates POSOM. I guess I hadn't thought of it, even though she doesn't say these things every day, she probably doesbthink about it.

Thank you for that insight. I have so little idea and can't hardly imagine her thinking. I have never cheated on anyone, so its hard to imagine what I would feel like.

Is it like the feeling you get when your dad asks if you got in trouble, and you did but lie, and he gets that disappointed look like you let down? More?

Oh, and o/ Tom! (That's a guy waving)
How are you?

So, went (because of the subpoena) to testify at OM and OMWs post-spousal support hearing. Both WW and I were subpoena'd. Turned out we didn't even end up testifying, as OMs opening statement included a "because of my misconduct, having an affair with a coworkers wife." Until that statement, OM hadn't actually admitted anything had happened. I think the statement came because he saw us there and they went to Plan B.

Talked to Jennifer about it the day prior and she had some excellant advice about making it a day for us. Its a 3 hour drive there, and we only were there for an hour. So we planned places to stop and things to do and talk about during the drive. We talked about what might occur in the courtroom and how we could handle it. All together, we made the whole day, minus the hour in the courtroom about us having fun together. It went very well.

Then, yesterday, bad thing happened. So when I caught WW and her OM, I of courfse made a new bank account, changed where my paycheck goes and cut her out of all the bills. Now this means that there isn't money automatically added to the account that she buys groceries with and stuff. Well, apparently, I had forgotten to add some and got it down to $13. Not a big deal except that she went and bought gas and couldn't pay for it. Again not a big deal because she can call me and I can use my droid that I am posting from right now to do online banking and transfer money, except that I am at work out in the field and didn't have my phone on me. So long story short, she spends hours at this store trying to call me, cops get called and threaten to arrest her until a friend comes and lends her the money.

Obviously it was all my fault and I am a POS for not trusting her, I have no idea what it feels like to be so humiliated, and she has done nothing to deserve this mistrust.

Yeah...

So I was very nice to her, then our son went to sleep and then talked to her. We became friends again. I am still going to try to make sure she doesn't have to go through that again though.

That's about it for now though.

Does your wife have the ability to look up the balance on your bank account? Maybe you could make sure that she does so she will always feel "safe" when buying things.

It does suck that YOU were the bad guy in this. It is probably because it falls under FS. She expects money to be there for her without thinking about it. I wouldn't necessarily suggest that you change where your paycheque goes yet, but you could ask a vet or your coach that.

The Taker in me was thinking about things you could have said to her, but I will be nice.