I know how hard you are trying..not to lay adult stuff on your son. You are doing good.

But, read this:

I also asked ds to please say to his dad at drop off, 'I don't need you to walk me to the door dad. Bye!' He was oddly resistant to this. He asked me what he should do if his dad asks if I 'put him up to it.' I said, 'It is no secret that I don't want your dad walking you to the door. I've told him repeatedly...he knows. So you aren't doing anything wrong by requesting he not walk you to the door.'


In my mind there are so many things wrong with asking the son to tell this to his father. It is not the son's place to tell this to his father for so many reasons.

1. The son WANTS his dad to walk him to the door, it is a way they show love to each other. The DAD shows love an protection walking the son to the door, the son shows he loves his dad by letting him do that.

2. It is YOUR idea ...NOT the son's to tell your husband NOT TO WALK HIM TO THE DOOR.

3. The son would never in one million years say anything like that to his Dad.

4. It is BAD for the son to say this to his own DAD. He even knows how bad this is.

5. There are 100 more reasons not to lay this on the son.


I know you want to avoid the dad at all costs. But this is not the way to do it. This is WRONG for you to ask your son to be your parrot and ask this of his dad.

I do not know the solution for your weakness and lack of boundaries with your ex husband but I do know this. Your son cannot be forced to say something to your EX that he does not feel he wants. He is a human being with a relationship with his father.

You have to deal with your own boundary issues YOUR OWN WAY. Do not lay these on your son or have him deal with YOUR own boundary issues. It is wrong.

\
I am assuming you think I shouldn't have asked this of ds. I have been advised by many others on this site that it is ok to ask this of ds...

Sorry, I could be wrong. It is just my feeling.

No son wants to tell his father something he does not believe in (or want) for himself.

"You do not need to walk me to the door anymore, Dad"

Sounds weird, no?

It would be like you saying to your son: "Next time you see your Dad, tell him you no longer want to go to the water park with him". (if you did not want the son going to the waterpark with his dad anymore)

Weird, right?

Well, we did discuss the fact that ds certainly DOES NOT need his dad to walk him to the door. I guess he still might WANT his dad to walk him to the door....but it is too stressful for me. Ds also wants me to let his dad come in and see our new house. And he wants me to go in MY old house and see his dad's new furniture. All of that is just too much for me. As is his dad continuing to walk ds 20 steps to the front door in a very safe, small town neighborhood in AR.

I am sorry. Yes. I see what you mean. The son does not quite get the picture. Maybe you can actually draw him a picture on paper. Of you, the dad, and the other woman. And of you, NOT going near the OW's house. And you NOT opening up the door to your EX.

I understand now. As a child, I was manipulated many times to say stuff to either parent since my parents fought constantly and insulted and put each other down to us kids.

It was very dysfunctional. I had to go to years of counseling due to that and the verbal abuse.

I didn't see this edited version of your post until just now....I can see how it looks wrong. None of this is right. It is all part of the deal ds and I got dealt when his dad decided to cheat on me. It is also 'wrong' that ds now has to live in a house 1/2 the size of his old one. And that he had to move from the street where his first memories begin...where he has his best friends...where we went across the street to swim with those friends nearly daily. It is wrong that he has to go away on an out of town vacation with his father and the woman who helped break up ds's family. It is wrong that ds has to give up times with is friends because of 'visitation'. It is wrong that his sleep patterns get so wonked every other weekend... It is all wrong. However, it is not MY fault. None of it is.

I am doing my best to let ds have a relationship with his father when truthfully I would like nothing better than if ds NEVER had to see him again. I know THAT thinking is crossing the line....I think it through....how hurt ds would be if he never saw his dad again. I HATE my XH. I HATE that I put so much effort into staying with him when it was such a difficult relationship only to have him force me into divorcing him after 26 years. But I do believe that in some weird dysfunctional way he does love his son and his son loves him. Ds has said he misses seeing his dad at home everynight. So I know there is hurt for ds...

Ds is an unusually bright child. Very intuitive...very smart. So I talked him through his feelings today about telling his dad he doesn't need him to walk him to the door. I said, 'it isn't manipulative, or sneaky or a lie or wrong. It is just what I need to happen so that I can cope with your dad.' He look skeptical and said, 'it sort of feels like it.' I said, 'where is the lie?' And then that is when I said, 'it is no secret I don't want your dad coming to my door.' So he 'gets' it....He said,'ok.' I did also tell him that if his dad INSISTS on walking him to the door that there is nothing ds can do about that and he shouldn't feel he HAS to try and do anything about it.

I may be doing it all wrong...many people think it is wrong to tell kids about adultery being the cause of divorce. I will never regret the decision to tell him that though. He was 9 years old and deserved the truth. I of course didn't give him all the gory details I have possession of. I never will.

I also have to watch ds closely for exposure to pornography....I talk to him regularly about the dangers of it....but I do not tell him that his father is a porn addict freak.

It is difficult to walk this walk and not get off balanced. I do thank this board,including you Bubbles, for helping keep me in line.

You keep adding edits! LOL...

Ok, I see this totally different. I WANTED to say the above to ds....but I didn't. I told ds he should always tell his dad how he feels about things. I have to face the fact that ds doesn't HATE the OW or her child...and that he certainly LOVES his father.

I mean....why wouldn't he...Since he has been born I've talked up his dad to him in every way I could. Talked about how hard he works for us, and how much he loves us...and how important it is to be respectful to his dad...and how some kids have fathers who don't even want to see them...Yea! Great job SW!!!!

Ug.

No, SW, it is not wrong. I am so happy and thrilled that your son gets to live in a safe house, away from his dad's manipulations and mood swings. It is only a matter of time before he turns on his son, you've already seen him start to do this, the names he calls his son, behind his back and to his face. Imagine living with a *father* that despises him the way he despised and scapegoated you for so many years. Praise God that he has a mother who was willing to protect him, when so many other financially dependent women choose to look the other way. He doesn't need a big house or any of that. He needs safety, and you made the hard decisions to give him that. Even making financial concessions and hardshipsto give your son more time with you and less with his dad. Anyone can say, "Son, I care about you, and I want you to make good decisions for yourself." Your son knows through your actions that he is worth standing up for, even when it hurts.

I am so proud to know you, SW. I wish every kid in this situation had a parent who was willing to go to any length to protect them. Truly walking the walk.

Bubbles, not to bash your H, you know this, I assume he did what he could, but I wish someone, anyone, had stood up for your H's grandkids the way SW is standing up for her son. That's what makes us upset, how kids go unprotected.

On that note, SW, I agree with Bubbles, please find an adult go-between to talk to your H.

I agree our current situation, smaller house, less money...is preferable to living with WXH. It is still too bad our lives had to be so uprooted due to XH's selfishness.



Thank you. This means a lot to me.

[/quote]On that note, SW, I agree with Bubbles, please find an adult go-between to talk to your H. [/quote]

I just avoid him. Thankfully he dropped ds off last night without coming to the door and ds didn't have to even ask him to not come to the door.

Yes NED. It is sad about my husband's grandkids, he left New York and moved to the West Coast when his daugher was 17. Asked her to come with him and she refused even after being mailed a plane ticket.

Then, at age 19, the daugher started bearing children. He tried to talk to her on the phone but since he was 3000 miles away and working a full time job he could not go back to New York to deal with it.

The daughter refused to listen and kept on reproducing. She now had 4 kids. by two different fathers.

The only thing he could have done, well, I dont know what he could have done. I just do not know. She would not listen to him. There is no way he could have adopted the kids and moved them out here to the West Coast. No way.

Listen to me make excuses...excuses that I dont like other people to make!!!

SW

I think you are doing the right thing by having ds walk to the door on his own, FWIW.

At some point, he would make the change on his own to walk to the door on his own. Guys do that.

SB

Will it never end?

Got the nasty letter from his attorney 2 weeks ago....where in he claims I 'cleaned out the home of all marital property.' And says they will file something blah blah blah unless I contact XH and we agree on an equitable division.....

There was MUCH more in the letter...I think I told what all earlier in this thread...but anyway, to me the big issue was that I had to let ds go on that 'vacation' with OW...

But I got an email from XH this afternoon saying, 'when can we meet to discuss the division of our personal property.'

My attorney thinks I should try to work it out with XH.

So off to do as SB recommended...and say something like...'what personal property do you want?' That is six words...:)...but not bad huh?

I replied,

"What do you want?"

He says, 'It is not fair that you took stuff without us agreeing to it as stated in the court's decision. I would like to have the patio furniture and a few other things like pictures.


Let me know when you are available to discuss.'

I replied back 'What pictures?'

Short enough SB?

Oh and btw, did I not say way back when that he wanted the patio set?

I can tell you the smartest, actually probably the only smart thing I did in all of this mess was when I moved out. My WH was going to mess with my head as long as he could. I left the house with the kids, rented a place and bought all new stuff for myself. I literally took 4 things from the house, the kids beds, my treadmill, and a chair that was an anniversary present (which I have since gotten rid of) My whole house was furnished by me. It was alot of second hand shopping and yard sales. However, not one thing reminds me of him. Him on the other hand was never going to give me anything without a fight, and you know what? I love the fact that his stupid live in g/f has to look at stuff that I picked out!

I think that it is up to you if you want to let go of that patio set and get a new one instead. I would make sure that you get it in writing that he is not going to come back and ask for any other things in the future.

you need to be done with him. You can then go dark and get yourself outta this drama. I know you feel like you have already given to him by letting your DS go on the trip. You probably feel like you just keep bending and you shouldn't need to. He did the wrong things and he should have to pay. YOU are the victim and you keep getting asked to give and give. It SUCKS. BUT, you can remove yourself from the drama and make sure you stay away from it. He will most likely keep trying tog get more out of you and to get to you through you DS. That is why you will need to get dark and stay that way.

Hope it works out for you.

You know what he wants?
The patio set
The gas grill
and the picture that hung above our bed

The Rest

I love the picture...I searched for a long time for just what I wanted....XH was with me and pulled it out of a bin of posters...and I had it framed in an expensive frame....It makes me laugh to think that he wants it back....

He can have what he is asking for. Most of the framed pics we had in our house are of ds10....probably 15 beautiful framed pics of ds....he didn't ask for one. single. pic. of our child. Not framed or unframed. Picaso for ds? Yeah, I'll take that trade. And I hope everytime he gets into 'his' bed, either with or without OW he looks at that picture and thinks of me. hee hee.

I was so upset earlier....I cried. I was sick at my stomach...I prayed and begged for some help to get through....I believe God gave me the peace to see it all as comical.

I was good with using few words. And you know what? I think he misses interaction with me. He will take fighting over nothing even...but he isn't gonna get that from me. He kept trying to get me to argue...kept being 'vague' about what he wanted. Twice I just redirected 'What do you want?' Oh and all via email. I thought it was funny he kept wanting to 'get together and discuss.' Hee hee.

All Posters /Art .com is having a 25% off everything sale right now, Buy the cheapest print, roll it up in a tube and send it to him. He wants the print, he did not say anything about the frame.