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H wants me to start back making jewelry. I was doing this previous to D-day, and this was my creative outlet. I had been becoming fairly successful at it, and enjoyed it a lot.

But H claimed that the time I spent promoting my jewelry lead him to resent me and set up some of the justification for the A. I admit I was spending a lot of time in cyberspace promoting the business, but at the time I was also looking for shortcuts because I wanted to spend more time with H.

H said he did not realize everything it was taking for me to create and promote the business and although he resented it to a point, he wants me to start back.

I have shut down my store, and have only picked up my tools to create 3 times since D-day. I told him that from what I read, it was not advisable for me to continue since the hobby was taking away from the M.

On the other hand, he sees it as something super important to who I am. So we are now at a crossroads. I agree with him that there is a part of me that does not want to give it up, I want him more involved.

I feel like I am stuck. I do resent giving up the hobby, but my M is much more important to me. He absolutely does not want me to stop. The jewelry making falls in "ME" time. It was always my quiet reflective time.

Vets, how do I handle this? What is the best idea of a solution here?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Eluna:

Keep talking with your H. POJA this thing.

You seem like you are not ready to go back to this Biz. Maybe the time isn't right, and the M isn't strong enough. And that is cool.

And one of the things to do is to make sure that you only practice this Biz when it doesn't take away from the UA Time.

And when you are setting up the weekly schedule for UA time, you START with the UA time, and add everything else.

1. UA Time
2. Work Time
3. Biz Time
4. All other time

Too many do it backwards, and schedule EVERYTHING ELSE, and then put in UA time. That is recipe for a stalled recovery.

So, redo the schedule. See what works.

LG

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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
H
On the other hand, he sees it as something super important to who I am. So we are now at a crossroads. I agree with him that there is a part of me that does not want to give it up, I want him more involved.

I don't really understand what that means when you say "it is part of you?" JEWELRY is a "part of you?" If it interferes with your marriage or is a favored leisure activity it should be dropped. Your greatest source of enjoyment should come FROM within your marriage, not without your marriage.

If it pulled you away in the past, I would just lose that. And maybe after your marriage is fully recovered and you are in the habit of spending 15+ hours together each week and are each others FAVORITE leisure activity you dabble it in again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
H
On the other hand, he sees it as something super important to who I am. So we are now at a crossroads. I agree with him that there is a part of me that does not want to give it up, I want him more involved.

I don't really understand what that means when you say "it is part of you?" JEWELRY is a "part of you?" If it interferes with your marriage or is a favored leisure activity it should be dropped. Your greatest source of enjoyment should come FROM within your marriage, not without your marriage.

If it pulled you away in the past, I would just lose that. And maybe after your marriage is fully recovered and you are in the habit of spending 15+ hours together each week and are each others FAVORITE leisure activity you dabble it in again.

In a best case scenario I would prefer to have him involved rather than give up the hobby totally. Before it became an online business, I spent time creating, and then WE would go to shows and sell it together. The online business is when I got pulled away according to him. {However I have to wonder about that since I did not become deeply involved in the business until after he was already in an EA with OW. I have wondered if that was my coping mechanism because he had pulled away from me and I did not want to see why..} Like I said, before D-Day I was trying to create shortcuts so I did not need to be online with the business.

At this time, I have essentially given it up with the exception of outstanding contractual obligations (easier to fulfill since there are only 2 shows left atm, one in Sept and one in Dec and I have a good surplus of stock).

H is pushing for me to start the business back up. He believes that I should continue since this hobby had allowed me to find myself in times of get stress before. When I first made the decision to stop working on the jewelry, he got very upset with me. Now he is pushing again for me to take the hobby back up.

For him it was not the hobby, so much as the online business that was the issue (at least that is what he is telling me.) And he believes that my giving up the jewelry making all together would create another resentment between us.

He did help me pick out beads and stones, so now I am wondering if he is missing that time we spent together....

Like I said in a perfect world, he would help me so that it could become a RC for both of us.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
[H is pushing for me to start the business back up. He believes that I should continue since this hobby had allowed me to find myself in times of get stress before.

Ok, in that case I would classify this as a problem and a detriment to your marriage because "finding yourself" sounds very much like an individual pursuit.. I am not sure what it means to "find yourself," Eluna, but if this is something that detracts from your marriage, I would give it up. And it sure sounds like this is a negative endeavor if you use it to "find yourself." [what does that mean?? crazy] And again, I have no idea what that means but it does not sound good!

Have you read Dr Harleys articles about finding recreational activitites that you both enjoy together? That will be the key. But if one of you is overly invested in this activity, it won't be good for your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
[
For him it was not the hobby, so much as the online business that was the issue (at least that is what he is telling me.) And he believes that my giving up the jewelry making all together would create another resentment between us.

But, if jewelry interfered in your marriage in some way, you wouldn't resent giving it up if the result was a happy marriage, right? Because if it did interfere with your marriage, the resentment HE would feel over that would be much, much more devastating to your marriage.

I am not saying the jewelry is a bad thing for your marriage, but if this is an individual pursuit that a) interferes with your marriage and b) you love so much that everything else suffers in comparison, then it is not something that is good.

Eluna, do you think he is engaging the dangerous practice of SACRIFICE? ie: agreeing for you to get back into the jewelry even though he hates it because he is concerned about resentment? Is he enthusiastic about it? Sacrifice is a dangerous practice in marriages.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Eluna,

""But H claimed that the time I spent promoting my jewelry lead him to resent me and set up some of the justification for the A.""

This sounds very WEAK!! think think think

Go back to him and ask him, seriously, down deep in his heart of hearts, if this was even true.

Sometimes the betrayer will grasp onto any and all excuses to transfer the blame.

Could be why, when you stopped all creative endeavors, he became so upset.

kirk


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Melody

I am trying to not go back.

He is pushing me to go back.

That is where the conflict is.


I have explained that it is something that he saw as interfering therefore it needs to go away. HE (WH) does not want me to give it up. He is asking about setting up a schedule for me to do it. Even tried to buy me a new book on metal-smithing last night.

I am trying to figure out how to explain the danger or work with him about this.

Do I miss it. Yes
But my H means more to me that the jewelry ever could. I have told him that every time he brings it up. That I put it aside because he is more important.

The problem lies in that he is getting upset that I did put it aside.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
He is pushing me to go back.

That is where the conflict is.


I have explained that it is something that he saw as interfering therefore it needs to go away. HE (WH) does not want me to give it up. He is asking about setting up a schedule for me to do it. Even tried to buy me a new book on metal-smithing last night.
\

Gotcha. You are correct that it should be abandoned because it made him unhappy in the past. A better solution is to find something you both love equally so there is not a chance that this will take over your life again, like some hobbies do.

I bet your husband is in the practice of sacrifice, isn't he? Are you familiar with that concept?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
H is pushing for me to start the business back up. He believes that I should continue since this hobby had allowed me to find myself in times of get stress before. When I first made the decision to stop working on the jewelry, he got very upset with me. Now he is pushing again for me to take the hobby back up.

I don't know but this whole post, especially the above part is sending huge redflag to me.

You stated that once the business went online the A heated up.....you gave it up and now he's pushing for the you to resume something that he resents????...... crazy

Smells like rotten eggs to me......I hope you have your radar on and snooping skills flying......

I'm not liking this one bit....... naughty

I hope I'm wrong though.........

Not2fun

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not2fun, this puzzled me too, and I don't know her whole story, but her H might have a belief in sacrifice. He might be thinking that if she gives up something, no matter how detrimental to the marriage, that she will resent him. Not realizing what a dangerous practice this is. It took me years to break my H of this horrendous habit.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I just want to interject here....even though I am not in recovery. I sold vintage clothing on Ebay and I loved it. My problem is that I was not balanced. I shopped, took pics, listed, and packaged on my family time. My husband deeply resented Ebay and would throw it up to me constantly; he also resented the mess in the house from the clutter of my items to sell.

As soon as I went into plan A, I dropped it, and I didn't look back at all. My WH told me that he didn't dislike my doing Ebay it was the mess and time that he hated....well that's all part of it and it's so easy to "lose yourself" in these types of hobbies.

I haven't read your story, but you don't think he's trying to focus you on that in order to remove the focus from him? Just curious. I guess I need to read your thread.


BS: 41
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Dday on 4/27/10
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Originally Posted by not2fun
Quote
H is pushing for me to start the business back up. He believes that I should continue since this hobby had allowed me to find myself in times of get stress before. When I first made the decision to stop working on the jewelry, he got very upset with me. Now he is pushing again for me to take the hobby back up.

I don't know but this whole post, especially the above part is sending huge redflag to me.

You stated that once the business went online the A heated up.....you gave it up and now he's pushing for the you to resume something that he resents????...... crazy

Smells like rotten eggs to me......I hope you have your radar on and snooping skills flying......

I'm not liking this one bit....... naughty

I hope I'm wrong though.........

Not2fun

I have no indication that anything is going on. OW is currently involved with someone new (yes have double checked it is not WH in disguise)and I have not stopped snooping since D-day.

Before I started it as an online business, WH and I attended the shows together. That was "OUR" time. I have been trying to explain what he is telling me, so since I am home now with WH, I am going to let him get online and post his thoughts on this so you guys and see the whole picture.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
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I am ElunalNC's WS, and I am here to try to clear up some of the misconceptions about this.

I'm not telling her to start up her jewelry again to take the focus off me, or try to start something else. I want her to do it because it is something that is very important to her and apart of who she is. It gave her confidence and a sense of self worth that I very rarely saw in her in the over 16 years we have known each other. I don't want her to resent me for her giving this up, I know that I am more important to her than her jewelry, but I don't want this to turn into some huge thing later. I do go with her when she wants to look at beads or find new stones (like the gem mining we did on vacation). The only shows I have not been beside her selling is when we couldn't find a babysitter, so I would keep our son and a friend of ours daughter who would stay with my wife. She always asks my opinion of her work as a kind of QC. The part of it I resented was the advertising part. Not her cutting rocks, or making the jewelry, or selling it, but when she dove into her computer and rarely came up for air while she was doing the advertising. So I also dove into my computer and we didn't talk much. I just didn't understand all of what went into the advertising and she has shown me and explained much of it. This was my fault not hers, and I also don't want to punish her anymore for my screw ups and bad judgment. I have offered to have her teach me how to use her camera to take pictures of her work and to possibly try some of the advertising.

She grew up a lot and the jewelry helped with that. I do like the person she has become, and she enjoys things a lot more than she did. It has also been something that has brought her and my mother closer as well. They enjoy going to bead stores and sharing what they have learned.

I enjoy when she makes a piece that she is very proud of, and then sells it. I love the look on her face, the big hug I get, and the other special things that can happen after the show.

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Originally Posted by jafo4
I enjoy when she makes a piece that she is very proud of, and then sells it. I love the look on her face, the big hug I get, and the other special things that can happen after the show.

Thanks for posting, jafo! I suspected this might be your reason, but a recreation that it not ENJOYED together is not good for your marriage. In the past, her involvement with jewelry has been BAD for your marriage because it took her away from you.

NOW, if you can both enjoy doing this together - WITHOUT SACRIFICE, SACRIFICE IS BAD FOR MARRIAGE - that would be great, but the point is that your marriage should be the greatest source of happiness, NOT a specific hobby. If you can make that work, then that is great!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Since H is still pushing this after being on the board last night, I think we are going to follow LG's advice and POJA this issue.

I have refused to start anything back up with this until we have sat down and defined clear boundaries.

I agree Melody that I do not want him to sacrifice in this issue.

I asked him last night to explain to me the "perfect" scenario for my jewelry making. I asked him to define how much is too much, and since he had issues with the online part, if it would work better for me to find another avenue instead of an Etsy store.

These are the questions I have posed to him. He has tried to smooth over his wants in favor of what he thinks I want. I told him that was not good enough, that we need to know BOTH sides of the spectrum BEFORE we can start finding a point to agree on.

I told him at this point in the process he should be honest about what his ideal situation would be and we could work from there.

I am going to make sure I understand what his IDEAL situation is on this before I move forward trying to POJA this. Until then, no decision will be made.



Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D

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