"""""""whenever my H is home, if I start to do something (dishes, laundry, whatever) my H thinks he has to take over for me. When he's around, he doesn't want me to do any work at all. If I start doing something, he'll say "Honey, I can do that.""""""""

why don't you just start fixing one of the holes in the wall?

Because I would like to still have a wall at the end of the day.

Honestly, I have no idea how to do it. My H's father showed him and my H has fixed holes in the past, so he knows how. I'm pretty sure I'd make a huge mess of it if I tried.

my point was from your comment about your h's attitude.

"Honey, I can do that"

maybe he would just take over

I just hope he takes over before the house falls down.

I know, I know, I should stick to one thread, but my current thread on MB 101 doesn't get as much traffic, and this is an A related question, so I'm putting it here.

Is there ever a justification for breaking NC, because I'm afraid I may have to. Due to my son's legal problems (see my thread: Tossed on the Waves in MB 101 for details, but basically he has been falsely accused of rape and may go to jail and have to register as a sex offender for life) we are in financial dire straights. We need another $5000 to keep our attorney through our trial, and we just don't have it. Home mortgage is late/upside down, credit cards maxed out, credit destroyed, bank account empty. We've tried every relative we know, and no one has it. Really, we are desperate. We're probably going to lose our home. Our mortgage is less than rent for our area, so we won't be able to afford a new place to live if we go into foreclosure.

I have never asked the OM for a dime, but I'm thinking about it now, because I have nowhere else to turn. I lost my job because of the birth of our OC, and my H and I have taken 100% responsibility for raising her, both financially and otherwise. I know asking the OM for money now would open a huge can of worms, but my alternatives aren't great. I can't just sit and watch while my son's life is completely ruined. OM's family does not know about the OC and I know he doesn't want them to know. I'm pretty sure I can use that fact to get the money without him pushing the issue of visitation/custody. The last thing on earth he wants is for his new wife and kids to find out about this. I know this smacks of blackmail, but if I had any other choice, I wouldn't even be thinking about this.

Advice?

My first question to you is this:

What does your husband think/want to do?

We discussed the possibility a few months ago, when we weren't sure if there was going to be a trial. We agreed to put it off until we found out for sure. We just found out for sure this morning and my H is still at work, so we haven't had a chance to talk about it yet. I'm sure we'll talk about it tonight. Obviously, he doesn't like the idea. Neither do I. I think if we had any other choice, we would both rather not take this route. But if there isn't another way, what else can we do?

W1,

This is an issue which I raise quite often, but get torn to pieces about which is fair enough.

Yes you should pursue OM for money, it is his child and he should pay at least 50% for his upbringing, this is not an optional point, this is OCs' money and not yours.

What is OM getting for his money, a loving environment for his child and the beyond measure care of a mother for 18+ years. Do NOT LOW BALL asking only for 5000! Additionally the fact that you had a child near 40 means that you are in a touch spot with regards to earnings if the economy does not improve.

My bio-father supported his step-kids through medical school while I had to work my way through, this is a real issue with me, and that my adoptive father turned down his offer of money pains me to this day. Your child may ask this of you too!

The money will be the difference between college or no college.

You are the only one who can act as OCs' advocate so step up.

God Bless
Gamma

I have to say that Gamma makes some good points. I have another one. You had an A. So did I. It was inexcusably wrong. But at some point......the ramifications have to stop. In other words, the residual or indirect effects on my family just cannot go on indefinitely. I KNOW that my A contributed to my job loss, my isolation, my getting fat, and my suicidal hospital stay.

It stops now.

I will do what what needs to be done to be the person I am supposed to be, take care of DH the best I can, and be a mom. Period. It is 2010, not 2006. I'm done assuming that there are huge parts of my life that MUST be crap because I screwed up four years ago. No more.

This OM fathered a child. I get that he didn't want to. But he did. And because you have not had any help in this situation, now it affects your son. So if what you have to do to survive and keep your family afloat is ask this man to help support the child he fathered....then I won't be throwing stones. Yes, I am Mrs. Luri. I am also a mother, and while my M comes first, I WILL protect my babies.

Would it work if you and H asked for this together instead of you doing the communicating?

Writer, I worry that OM may want to begin a R with OC in exchange for the money which will possibly be hard on your H (or at least he may threaten this even though you don't think he would). If OM seeks a R, what kind of environment will this throw OC into?

Have you checked into any lawyers that will do pro bono work? Won't the state provide a lawyer if you are not able to afford one?

How will you afford the legal fees to bring CS case against OM if he takes it to court?

What about going back to work?

As a BS, this would DEVASTATE me if OW came after $$$ after all this time. And just as an FYI, I would fight and drag it out as long as possible which would probably end up costing her more in legal fees. I seriously doubt OM can just hand over $5000 without his new wife finding out.

Just my two cents. Do what's best for you and your sitch.

Refresh my memory, but didn't you say once that there isn't much money to be had from OM anyway? If that's the case, I say SO NOT WORTH what you, your H, and OC would have to give up in exchange for some chump change.

OM doesn't have much money. I know he got about $25,000 after his divorce when his ex-wife bought him out of his half of the house. I don't know how much of that he has left. $5000 may be chump change to some people, but it would be enough to keep our attorney and make sure that my son has decent representation at his trial. That's more than I can offer right now.

I really don't think OM will go after custody or visitation. He has expressed absolutely 0 desire to have anything to do with our OC. His greatest fear is that someone in his family will find out. I think he may pay the money to prevent that from happening.

I don't want to hurt his family. He's been divorced for over two years, so he is no longer with his BW. I'm not sure if he is now married or not. I haven't spoken with him in almost a year, and at that time, he was newly engaged and had no intentions of telling his new fiance about our OC. Honestly, I believed all along that she had a right to know what she was marrying, especially since her first marriage ended when her H cheated on her. She does not know that OM's marriage ended because of his adultery. I chose not to say anything because establishing NC and being able to move on with my life and take care of my family was more important to me than someone I'd never even met.

My H has done his best to support our family (including the OC) but we were struggling before these legal issues cropped up. This was just the nail in the coffin for us financially. I would LOVE to get a job, but I haven't been able to find one that would pay enough to cover the cost of child care and have enough left over to bother with. Unemployment in my area is still over 14%. Wherever this supposed recovery is in our economy, it isn't here in CA. Right now, I am under a court order to provide 24-hour a day supervision for my son as well, so I really can't work. I have no family in the area who can help out.

Luri: I don't care who does the communicating. I really have no desire to speak to the OM. I just want don't want my son to go to jail for a crime he did not commit. I just want our lives back.

Writer,

Consider this for a second...

No amount of money can assure that your son will be acquitted.

So you become a blackmailer. Has your husband approved this idea? Is he in enthusiastic agreement with it?

What if OM has had some troubles of his own lately and thinks that his only option is to find someone to have an affair with again? So now you contact him intending to blackmail him. What if he decides to blackmail YOU in return?

This is just so screwed up in thinking I don't know where to attack it first. This is NUTS, Writer! It is CRAZINESS and such messed up thinking that I don't even know where to begin.

I could make a case against it on so many levels but let's start with this...

IT WOULD BE WRONG!

Add to that, you get 5k, retain the lawyer another couple of months, the case is continued for some reason and the whole thing just implodes again in six weeks or two months and you are right where you are now only you have already justified becoming a lawbreaker yourself for the sake of expediency.



It would be horrible for your son to be convicted of a crime he did not commit.

It would be even worse if his parents were to be arrested for attempted blackmail!

Getting away with blackmail would NOT be better.

What are you TEACHING this son and your daughter?

Stop "feeling" and start THINKING!

ALL choices have consequences! Some are unintended. Some are awful. Some are beyond our ability to modulate or modify. Bad choices are not fixed by more bad choices!

/rant

Mark

Okay, but the OC is the OM's responsibility. I simply didn't choose to hold him accountable before. Legally, he could be held financially responsible for paying CS for 18 years. I don't think he'll want to take that route, but we certainly can, and it would be perfectly legal. And how could he blackmail me? I have been 100% honest with my entire family. There's nothing he could tell them that they don't already know. He has nothing on me.

As far as starting up an A again, that won't happen. He lives 3000 miles away from me.

The lawyer's fees were $5000 if we settled before trial, $10,000 if it goes to trial. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get to trial, the $10,000 would cover it.

It's not like I'm trying to get money from someone who doesn't actually owe it to me. The truth is, the OM has always had a legal and moral responsibility for the decisions that he made. He is 50% responsible for this OC, and so far, he has done absolutely nothing about it. It is largely my H who has been paying for this, and that hardly seems fair, since he had 0% responsibility for creating the situation.

Black mail the OM so you have money to pay for your other son, but not to support the OC?

No.

Smart enough to go to college.

How did you pay for that when you where doing the OM?

Call legal aid in your state.

Student loans.

And I could very much use some $$$ to help pay for the support of our OC.

Writer,

I'm not trying to beat you up, but read what you wrote in reply to my post.

Lots of reasons why OM should be contacted for money after you let him skate because you wanted to put your marriage back together.

I understand having a child in trouble. Our DD did 19 months for stealing a car with her xH. When she got out and they had divorced because she caught him cheating, she stole from us.

You need 5000 dollars. Your son is in trouble.

OM could be held liable for child support to support OC.

Can you see that those two have nothing to do with each other. The only common element is YOU. YOU are the tie between your family and OM.

"If you don't _____ (fill in the blank) I will let everyone know you tried to squeeze me for money after deciding to let your husband raise my child as his own."

Pinky's OM lives more than twice that from where she and SoL live.

Well that certainly changes everything, doesn't it?

You are still talking about blackmail, Writer. You are looking to use paternity of your child as leverage to get money you didn't want from a man you wanted nothing to do with any more and that you wanted to have no contact with your child.

Did your husband approve this plan? Is he 100% behind this? Is he in favor of opening your family up to OM forever in order to raise 5 thousand dollars?

And so do you.

And you get the other 50%, right? I don't even understand why this is an issue except that you NOW decided that this is the way to raise money.

You even said that you lost your job because you had OC. Where is YOUR responsibility in this, Writer? I'm not following this logic that OM is responsible for your son's legal problems. That is what you are trying to connect here.

And just so you understand me, if I had the money, I'd be inclined to give it to you so that you wouldn't even be facing this crap. But your son's legal problem is not related to OM or his responsibility for OC in any way, shape or form. You would not be even considering going after him for "child support" if you didn't need the 5K for your son's defense. If you want to sue him for child support, then do it, but contacting him, hoping to leverage him into giving you money under threat of exposure to his new wife is absolutely wrong. It is called blackmail.

Again I have to ask... Is your husband on board with this idea? Is he in enthusiastic agreement to contact OM and try to leverage him for money for your son's defense?

I am telling you that this could be the end of your marriage even if he is in agreement...

Your husband is your son's father, is he not? If so, then your son is his responsibility and not OM's. Do NOT use OC as a pawn to connect the two situations. They are NOT related except that you are connected to both. If your son was not in trouble, you would not be thinking of holding OM accountable for CS and that isn't really what you are asking for. You are asking for hush money...

What if he refuses your request? Do you destroy his new marriage?

Come on, Writer. This has all sorts of things wrong with the whole plan; it's hard to just argue one point.


If there was no OC, and OM was not your former affair partner, what would you do? If OC were actually your husband's child, what would you do?

Mark

No, my son isn't my H's. I had 3 children when my H and I married. Our 16 year old son is our only COM. My 18 year old son's bio dad owes me $50K+ in child support, but 17 years ago, when I tried to collect it, he disappeared. He has been in sporadic touch for the past 2 years, but the phone number I was using to contact him no longer works and I don't know his address. He is living half time in El Paso, TX and half time in Mexico. That's all I know.

I was very uncertain about cutting OM out of our OC's life and letting him off the hook as far as CS goes when I first came to this site in September. There seemed to be people arguing in favor of it and against it. In the end, I decided to follow the advice of not pursuing CS. Since then, things have continued to deteriorate for my family financially. My H does want to take full responsibility for our OC, but we're struggling very much. I know I am 50% responsible for that, but so is the OM. As it stands now, my family and I are taking 100% responsibility for it. I don't think this is fair to my H. I do want to work. I want to take responsibility. But I haven't been able to find a job. Where we live is very economically depressed. There just aren't any jobs. I've been looking for a year. Laying all of this on my H seems completely unfair too.

I don't know what I would do if there was no OC. If it weren't for my A with the OM, there would never have been another baby. My H had a vasectomy 12 years ago, because we knew we couldn't afford any more children. If it weren't for the A, I would still be working and our finances probably would not be in the state they are in. Yes, I know the A was my responsibility. We are in this situation because of the terrible, selfish choices that I made. But the OM made those same choices, and he hasn't had to take responsibility for them. Every time I see how much we're struggling just to put food on the table, it makes me angry to know that the OM is out there somewhere, getting off scot-free, suffering no consequences for his behavior. He hasn't had to own up to anything that he did.

I assure you that there is no chance of the A resuming. That is the last thing on earth on my mind right now. I have no feelings for the OM. I have not spoken to him in almost a year, and I don't care if I ever speak to him again. But I am tired of watching my H struggle everyday to pay for my mistakes, and yes the mistakes of the OM as well. I know this has placed a tremendous amount of strain on my H. I'm going to do all that I can to find a job as soon as possible to help out with that. I don't know what else to do.

Answer this question honestly, writer. Be honest with yourself. You do not for one minue want OM in your marriage and in your baby's life. You are desperate to save your son. I get that. Truly I get it. What you are attempting to do is wrong on so many levels. Sweetie you argue against C all the time on here!

Stop and think! This is all crazy making, writer.

I know it. But I've spent 4 months now trying to figure out how to come up with the money, and I just don't think I have the body to be a call girl anymore. (That's a joke, by the way. See, I can still joke. I must be in here somewhere).