I'm coming up on the 1yr mark since the wife admitted to having a physical affair (which lasted about 3 weeks). She stopped it immediately, but it definitely opened her eyes to 'possibilities of happiness' outside of our marriage (a complication to be sure).

She (41) had the PA because she was unhappy and, for a long time prior to the PA (3-5 years), felt our marriage was dead with no future. There is, as always, many factors at play - children growing up and leaving the house, my 'bouts with 'job' depression, poor communication between us, lack of social activity, not meeting emotional needs, finding life's purpose, her self-esteem issues, lack of showing affection, mid-life, etc. I would characterize our marriage as having been comfortable, but flat. My love was shown by providing, hers by taking care of our four children. As inexcusable as the PA was (she acknowledges it as the biggest mistake of her life), we both have many faults that have hindered the growth of our 22 year marriage.

For me the PA was a wake-up call - one that I have answered, because I love her. But she now questions whether we really ever loved each other (yes, I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" spiel). We were married very young, and quickly, because she became pregnant. I think she now feels she missed out on her youth, and wants another go at finding happiness. I admit I was not madly in love with her in the beginning, but my love and admiration for her has grown stronger over time (Which I express more openly and often than ever before).

We have both stated we would like the marriage to work, but she is skeptical. Since the PA we have gone to counseling, but she has a hard time with criticism. She says she needs to "feel" love before she can give love (or show affection). Over the past year we have had times where we are really close (and both of us were hopeful and talking about our future together), followed by down times, where we're talking divorce. I have to admit I've really screwed up over the last year. Whenever the relationship, or her actions, was not meeting my expectations, I would blindly resort to emotional blackmail to scare her (or both of us) back on track. Although an "up" cycle would ensue, this has clearly resulted in a fatiguing downward trend that has us both thinking divorce might be easier than the emotional cycles.

I don't know what to do, or how to sustain it. I'm conflicted with focusing on myself and giving her space (and seeing how she responds), but it seems like I'm ignoring her (which goes counter to my wanting to show affection). I don't want to push her away, but how will she see things are different? I also have a hard time going from mutual affection one minute, to her not being able to touch me because she just doesn't "feel" it. If I leave it to her, she won't do anything but think about. She said she is trying by still being with me, sorting out here feelings.

I don't know if I should fight, or move on. I feel I've come part way, but she hasn't. She would argue differently, and I would have to admit she has changed some things, but it still feels a long way off (I don�t know if I�m being rational). She fought me on email passwords and privacy after the PA (not that I wanted to check, just the gesture - she has an issue where she believes she has nothing of her own). She did not want to adjust her schedule to avoid running into the OM...things like that tell me she is more concerned about how she feels, than how I feel. And if I call her on it...she has resentment because she feels stupid and is being told what she is doing wrong (another issue going back to a bad childhood). She�ll admit she is doing things wrong, and get very down on herself, but she is angry when someone points it out.

So many underlying issues that need to be solved, not just from the PA� Maybe I just need to let go of wanting her, because I really don't have her anyhow - and give up. It seems there are too many issues before and after the PA to sort out. Am I a quitter to walk away? Maybe I suck at sticking to the plan. It�s always seems to be all or nothing in my perspective. One bad day or week and the Mr. fix-it in me comes out (seems more like a wrecking crew).

I just wanted to reply and tell you I know how you feel. I'm kind of new here (my issues are years old though) and my advise might not be with the Marriage Builders way of thinking. Hang in there! I'm sorry you are going though this - I think someone should say it!!

It's been a full year and she has had no contact at all with OM?

Who is the other man? Did they/do they work together.

A nobody. Started at the health club. She didn't want to go to another club(too far). She modified her schedule to avoid seeing him. But doesn't understand why it still bothers me when she says it's over and it was so long ago. I have verified by several methods that it is over.

Cliffnote,

from the way you are talking, I would suspect she is still in contact with him in one form or another.

If she has refused to go to a different gym, then she has probably run into him once or twice at least.

Also are you positive they are not in contact via phone or internet? This includes "looking" at his FB page.

Any contact will prevent your efforts to improve the relationship from taking hold.

WW can not go to the same gym as the OM. NC must be for life. To much chance that WW will bump into the OM from time to time. The way she is acting durin g recovery tends to show that NC is being broken.

Cliffnote

Read this thread:

Romantic Love in your Marriage

Sound familiar?

Read up on this site regarding Lovebusters. And then stop doing them.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

You need to be spending 15-20 hours a week together with total undivided attention. Go extra light on the relationship talk.

Contact the Counseling Center above and inquire about making an appointment. The Harleys could get you into a plan that can work.

She committed adultery because she has weak boundries for her marriage.

You both are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage. She is 100% responsible for her choice to commit adultery.




Translated this means she does not want to do any hard work to repair the marriage. And it does take hard work and actions. Words don't cut it.


I have to agree with the others that there seems to be some level of contact (perhaps just the gym itself) that is delaying her withdrawal.

Call the Harleys. You have a very recoverable marriage but need a plan. A plan that focuses on the now and the future and not childhood issues.

Sorry you are here. Your wife is still either seeing OM or fantasizing about him because she still sees him ocasionally at the gym.
You need to confront her with this and if she is not willing to stop all contact you have to ask her to leave and go to plan B.
She will not develop any interest in you as long as the other guy is around and she sees him.
blessing

I agree, you M is very recoverable.
Call the Harleys..they wil help you, if anything they will put your wife in a situation where she will have to either work on the M or admit she has no interest in doing so.
Either way, you will be free.
blessing

Cliff,

Traditional marriage counseling where in you both sit in a room and bash each other has a failure rate that won't even get you a tryout in most sports. Counseling with the Harleys has a much better percentage of success because the program seeks to first, above everything else, solve the number one problem in the marriage, that is, it strives to restore your love for each other as its first priority.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? Do you understand and more importantly, do you agree with the Love Bank model? Can you identify your wife's most important emotional needs and she yours? Do you know what Love Busters are and which ones you tend to repeat without thinking? Would she be willing to write a letter stating that she will no longer have any contact at all with OM?

If you can call the coaching center to set up coaching with Steve or Jennifer, your chances of recovery will be much better than years of counseling with anyone who does not know what to do to help you fall in love with each other again.

If you choose to attempt recovery alone, it is possible to do though I think it takes a bit longer than with the help of the coaching center. My wife and I are one such success story, but I have to tell you it was a lot of hard work, especially at first.

On this site you will find the questionnaires that can help you identify both of your top Emotional Needs. I suggest that you read Surviving An Affair. You might find it at the library or you can get it from this site. Three other things you should see about buying are the books His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters and the workbook 5 Steps To Romantic Love.

If you look at the bookstore on this site, you can find all of these books. You can also look into the Home Study Course or the Web based course. Either of these can give you the tools you need to build a new and great marriage.

Read the Q&A columns related to infidelity. Some good information in those as well. Also take a look at this thread:. Though you are a year out from your betrayal, you will still benefit from most of what you will find there.

Welcome to Marriage Builders and the club none of us ever wanted to join. If you wish to recover your marriage and make it one that make both you and your wife happy for years to come, this is the best place to be.

Mark

Your wife is right. The only way to recover your marriage is to fall in love again. This train is going nowhere unless that is your focus. Who wants to sit in counseling and be criticized? I wouldn't show up for that. Not to mention that it is a STUPID STRATEGY that results in the LOSS OF LOVE when you need just the opposite.

Traditional marriage counseling is the most ineffective venue of all the counseling disciplines. They have an 84% failure rate and don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. Marriage counselors have a higher divorce rate than the general population. They are dangerous to marriages.

If you want to try something that really works, try Marriage Builders. It really does work. My H and I have a passionate, romantic marriage and we want to be married.

Check out these articles that explains why Marriage Builders is different: How Dr Harley learned to save marriages

and here is the fastest horse, the online program: online program

Well, this is the first problem. As long as she sees him occasionally, she can't recover. That is like an alcoholic going to the bar every day and smelling the booze. The booze stays top of mind and it is only a matter of time before she takes a drink.

Is the OM married and if so, did you tell his wife?

This A is NOT over. You failed to expose it and crush it.

Act as if you just found out

She feels hopeless because she is not in love. Fix that and you will fix your marriage.

OM is not married (Divorced). OM has a known schedule so we agreed to her adjusting her schedule to avoid running into him. She agreed to tell me if she saw him, and she has, just a couple times over the last yr (once when I was there) - no interaction. She insists is adamant it was nothing; she was taken in by someone noticing her, and fell for it. Again, it was just a couple week A. I caught on immediately after my return home. Computers, email, router traffic, vehicle GPS, phone records all used to confirm.
I agreed to the schedule change, that was my fault, but I'm confident there is nothing going on, and that she has moved on from that. She has been very distraught over "the biggest, most selfish mistake" of here life. I'm not sure reopening that issue would be helpful at this point. She has had a difficult time with my lost of trust, and is eager to have it back. If I reopen the issue to many times (because I've been wishy washy), she feels hopeless that my trust will ever be restored (because she feels she has done everything I wanted). She also has unresolved issues with being told she is always doing the wrong thing (from childhood)...."another strike against me" is common saying.

I think "love building" is the most important thing right now. She does not have "consistent" feelings for me, which is better than where we were (and probably pretty good give she gave up years ago). Again, I have really wasted a year with emotional blackmail (major withdrawals). The last year has been the best, and the worst. When we are clicking, our future is unlimited, we talk, we do things, we show affection, but when I detect something is off, just for a moment, I'm all over it to try and fix it. What I should keep doing is working on myself and demonstrating to myself, and her, that I am different. I always fall into the trap of trying to fix her, and the outcome is not good. Right now she "wonders" what could be possible. She feels happiness is to be found, and not made. She relies on other people to make her feel good about herself and thus happy. She has a hard time imagining I can be that person. We have made strides, but the doubts remain...maybe that�s the long haul aspect of recovery that requires endurance.

Even if I have proof it is absolutely over (a long time ago), you are saying I should go ahead and Expose, even after 1 year?

Ok, here is your main problem. When she runs into him her feelings are triggered again and the contrast effect from him to you is never overcome. Everytime she sees him is the equivalent of a recovering alcoholic having another drink. His cravings come roaring back and regular life pales in comparison to the thrill of the booze.

So see, just telling you will not prevent her from being in a state of perpetual withdrawal. Nor would she tell you if she did resume the affair.

So, that is where I would start. As long as she continues to bump into him, the THRILL of the affair will be top of mine and you can't compete with that.

Once you have that out of the way, I would strongly suggest you check into Marriage Builders. [check out the online program, that is the fastest horse] As she withdraws, it is important that YOU fill that gap with a romantic, passionate marriage. There is a very strategic and effective way to achieve this, starting with the most impactful tool of spending 20+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting these top 4 intimate needs: conversation, affection, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. Dr Harley says his program doesn't work without that step.

This article will give you an idea of what it takes to create romantic love in your marriage: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160718&Number=2397171#Post2397171

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