Not sure if this is the right place to post. You will soon understand why. 2 weeks ago, I found out my WH was heavily involved in an EA for the past 4-6 months. It was never destined to go anywhere as OW is in Turkey and we are in the U.S. This happened on a gaming site that he plays...a fantasy realm game.

I hacked into every account that I could find...and there were quite a few, emailed myself all evidence, changed all his passwords, changed it on his 'cheating' email account so he could not access it and regain his passwords, let it all sit for a week and then deleted all his sites. I know... classic.

The minute I found out, I hauled his @$$ out of bed, it was late at night, and confronted him with both barrels. I had forgotten about this site, as I did find it about 2-3 years ago when he did the same thing with someone in Oklahoma, but it was pretty harmless compared to this situation. If I would have remembered about this site, I would have done things a bit differently. I found that one out after a few weeks, called her, told her he lied and was married...SHE sent me ALL emails, and conversations from Yahoo and ended it then and there. Surprisingly, not too much wayward with that and we moved on.

His responses this time immediately were so CLASSIC WAYWARD!!! Sometimes as I read others posts and realize that, I laugh, but not with amusement. Other times, I cringe. He told her he was single. He told her he was dying of cancer. He told her so WAY many more lies than he told ME that I ALMOST felt sorry for her. I MADE him send her a message in the game that he lied and is married. I MADE him, after 4 hours of screaming, yelling, crying and every thing else you can imagine, commit to NC.

I obtained her email addy and sent her a VERY detailed message about what he told me about her, that he is a liar, has done this before and is NOT dying...yet. I also attached a dated wedding picture as he not only sent her a picture, but was adamant for a month or so about getting the webcam to work and he did...for about 2 days before D-day. THAT was my 1st red flag. The 2nd was that he was constantly 'joking' about his 'wife' in the game. That's part of the game, but he was WAY talking too much and too brightly about his 'Turkish' wife at his family's house on July 4th as well as constantly talking about her to his neighbor buds.

Anyway, she emailed me back that he was SO toast and now dead to her. Knowing that, when he BEGGED me to 'chat' with her thru the game one last time to 'end it', I allowed it. See, he didn't know about the hacked sites and that I emailed her. Oh man!!! She ripped him APART!!! He denied it as he was too pi$$ed that 'someone' emailed her the truths. I told him that IF he could prove that I did it, I would admit it. Of course, he never will be able to do that. Anyway, that 'chat' took place IN FRONT OF ME. He left the game on D-day and when he went back, he changed his profile and name so that no one knows who he is, found out that she hacked his account, stole his 'stuff', sold it and deleted all her profiles. She no longer exists. He also has rarely played the game since. NO COMMUNICATION has happened since the NC and the 1 time I allowed it. I know. I still check his computer. He's not real computer literate and I can break them down and rebuild them as well as find out anything I want to find on his computer. He's not real smart that way.

I had a REALLY bad 4-5 days from D-day. I finally broke him and got what truth I believe I can get out of him. We have had 1 relationship conversation. He's behaving and he's trying, so I guess that puts us in Recovery. He says that he can block everything, even our 8 yr marriage if he had to, from his mind in an instant and that's why he isn't having withdrawal. In his 'waywardness' he said all the classic things...they were just friends...he loves her...doesn't love me...etc. All hurtful. I cried for days. That about killed him. He has been saying AND SHOWING for a week now that he loves me and we WILL make this work. I am doing all the EN's that 'drove' him to her...his wayward words, but truth also as I admitted and apologized to him for ignoring those EN's. He, in turn, acknowledges his really $hitty treatment of me and apologized.

I still have issues with believing and trusting. I know when he is sincere and when he's not. I know that he is, but since he has done this twice now, I'm still not sure what to believe, think or do. I have NOT been doing anymore LB's since the 4 day marathon, and neither has he. I'm just still SO SCARED. I guess I just need some encouragement to keep the positive flowing and the negatives to stop.

Thank you for reading and I'm open to any suggestions and/or questions you may have.

ME: 50
Him: 47
Met: 2002
Married: 2004

Welcome to MB, stx2. I'm sorry that this has happened.

Please read this thread. It puts together a lot of useful advice for those who have just found out, as well as links to Dr Harley's articles on how to survive this early period. Please answer the questions in the first post about your marriage and any kids.

You will get more responses to your post when the USA wakes up later today. I'm in England, so I'm one of the few posters on so early.

Welcome to MB, the best place none of us wanted to be.

Sorry you find your self here, as SugarCane said read everything you can read on this site and listen to the advice given. The vets here will not let you down and they have helped many people.

I have read and continue to read. Thank you both for your comments. It helps. This waffling back and forth with my emotions is driving me crazy.

Well, not much response, so I'll try one more time. I have been reading, reading and reading like crazy...especially Not2Fun's threads, NewPetals, Schoolbus, Mark, Scotland and other vets threads. I am amazed and in awe of you all. So much strength and determination. So much change in all of you. I applaud you all. I have also learned ALOT about myself from all of you in my reading.

I'm doing much better on the believing and trusting thing. My keylogger is verifying that yes ma'am, he IS behaving. I only check it now once a week or so.

My problem now is that I feel...no, I KNOW...that his idea of handling this whole thing is to sweep it under the rug, forget it ever happened and never speak of it again. I try hard not to, but sometimes the triggers are too much. As I stated in my first post, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. To his mind and way of thinking, an A occurs only when physical and to him, what he did was just a fantasy...a game. His only remorse is that he KNOWS how deeply he hurt me. He has apologized for that. I don't remember who's thread I read, but I DO remember that someone has a H just like mine!!! He knows I'm on this site reading like crazy. He thinks it's all a bunch of malarky and by coming to MB's, it keeps everything in my head. I have talked to him about LB's, EN's, DJ's, LoveBank Deposits and WD's and Boundries. He understands to a point and does seem to try to accomodate those issues sometimes.

My Taker is WAY trying so hard to come out. My Giver is all but gone. I think, in that respect, it is all me. I feel like he isn't giving all he could be and is taking and taking. Now, I'm not saying that is true, it's just how I feel. After all the reading I have done, I have to wonder if I am re-writing history in my mind about how things were in the beginning of our relationship. Right now, I love him deeply, WANT DESPERATELY for my marriage to work, but I'm not feeling 'in love' with him. He said that he is very happy with our relationship, it's healing nicely, but I was open and honest with him and told him that I'm not. I'm trying to figure out my top 3 EN's. He said that nothing on that list really appeals to him. I told you, he's ummm....unique. He was raised infant to 18 here in the US and all of his 20's and most of his 30's in Germany. He was also abused as a child by his mother and he is a VERY private person, and to outsiders, appears very unemotional. I know that if he wanted to, he could walk out on me, never look back and have no regrets. He's had counseling, and no one can seem to get inside him and find out how he ticks.

I need guidance and assistance in figuring out what it is that I'm feeling. Is it normal? And I re-writing? Am I just wanting too much too quickly? IDK. Maybe someone will ask the right questions to make me find the right answers within myself.

Still

ME: 50
Him: 47
Met: 2002
Married: 2004

StillT, you didn't have to edit it to add my name, I still read and was trying to figure out what to say to you anyways.

I am sorry that you have been dealing with this by yourself for so long. Did you read SAA? I know that the link to the new thread was posted for you. Did you have any questions about it?

I can understand how you would feel upset and exhausted by this give give give mode that you were in. Have you read any things about setting the bar HIGH for your WH? Recovery is a long hard road when the WS is remorseful. Have you given thought to calling the coaching center? They are really good with WSs. Since your WH doesn't believe in this yet, it would benefit YOU in learning things to say to try to get your WH on board.

If you were in complete giver mode for these last 6 weeks, it is no wonder that your taker is screaming to come out. have you read HNHN? LB? FILSIL? There is a lot you need to learn about what a great marriage can look like.

Stick around and ask questions. When it is slow, read. There may be questions that you have that have already been answered by other people.

When you two met, were either of you married? You also say that this is the second time that he has done this. You have been married for 6 years and he has had 2 EAs that you know of. This is going to be a tough road, but it is possible. So post and read. Implement whatever the vets suggest to you. You can do this.

Start with the basics.
The EN questionnaire.
Then, the lovebuster ...

Start building a new marriage.

Start *HERE*

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

And .... HAVE SOME FUN together.
VERY important.

Lol Scotland...yours was the first post that I read. I so admire you, your strength and character. I don't know how you do it.

No need to apologize. That's what I chose to do. Educate myself by reading all the material by the Harley's and threads that I felt would benefit my sitch. I do know all about SAA, HNHN, setting boundries, etc. So far, no questions. Well understood. And I do know what a great marriage is....FWH & I had one for a couple of years. THAT'S what I want back.

My 1st marriage ended 16 yrs ago. XWH was a serial cheater almost from day 1 of the marriage who also abused me in every way but physical. Finally, he, at the age of 31 and AP was 19, she got PG and that was it. The affairage happened, she called me after 1 month and said he was cheating and I said DUH! That's been their 16 yr affairage ever since. So, unfortunately, I have been down this road before.

Setting the bar high...hmmm. Well, probably not. After I knew without a doubt that NC was absolute, I think my main 2 concerns were getting past the hurt, and the giving and receiving of EN's. I'm going to have to look really hard into that and think about how to go about/achieve that. We are in a bit of a financial strain right now, so I can't afford the coaching center, as much as I would LOVE to do it.

He thinks that this is such a bunch of bull, that as much as I KNOW the Harley's could get him on board, I could NOT get him to talk to them.

Ok...now I KNOW that I'm going to get a 2x4 here...

Yes, I was married (2nd marriage), but we had been legally seperated for 2 years by joint agreement. We agreed that the marriage was a mistake, parted friends and remain so to this day. He moved to FL and I am in IN. It was just that neither one of us was in a hurry to get divorced. It was like a protection thing for the both of us so we wouldnt' make a mistake again. I dated FWH for 1 year, got the divorce & we married 1 year after that.

Ok...maybe another 2x4 here...IDK.

I know that no one held a gun to his head to do what he did. His family is shocked, to say the least. He's the last person they EVER expected to do something like this as his 1st marriage of 10 years was a disaster b/c his FWxW cheated on him with PA's left and right. He has strong feelings about this, hence, his stance of it's only an affair if it's physical. There is no such thing as an emotional affair. However, we all know differently. I feel like I HAVE been able to somewhat educate him in this aspect a little. I Have, Can and DO take my part of the blame in what happened. He tried to tell me, and I didn't, couldn't or wouldn't listen. I believe that she meet the EN's of Admiration & RC (b/c of the game). I fullfilled his other EN's. Believe me, he wanted that cake-eating the way he fought me on N/C. Wayturds.

I KNOW it's possible, as he feels we are doing ok. It's me. I'm not 'feeling it' yet. He's helping around the house more, he's more involved with, well, everything. I believe that I pinning it all on the EN of affection. SF is a big one with me, and there are complications with him with MAJOR back issues. He has been on pain-killers for over a year now and it's all he can do to work. I've told him time and again that affection is not all about SF. That's what I need to get through his thick head. I NEED major showing of affection. Until then, it's just not working for me. If it weren't for my own boundries, well....need I say more?

Thanks Scotland!

Still

Yeah! I've been Peppered!! lol

I'm working on the EN questionnaire...absolutely!

I've been pretty good about no LB's and I let HIM know if/when he is LB'ing. He appreciates it greatly. We also joke around ALOT with the LoveBank deposits. It's fun. And more in a light-hearted manner with the W/D's to avoid Lb'ing and DJ's. It works really well for us.

This long holiday weekend was good. Nice, cool weather. Did some housework together, took naps, got in the hot tub quite a bit, had fires in the firepit, date 'morning' for breakfast. Not always a lot of conversation, but that isn't high on either of our EN lists. We can enjoy the quiet of each other's company just as well. We are both in loud work environments, so we CHERISH our peace & quiet time together. Very little M or R talk. I have no need for A talk at all. I'm way past that now. Lots of ILY's, gm & gn kisses, but not much more affection. That's what is killing me. He used to NOT be able to keep his hands off me. IDK.

The pain killers, if they are narcotic, can be a problem.

What's this?

good morning & good night ... I just figured it out!

gm & gn...Yep, you got it! Sorry for the confusion.

Yes, narcotic and big problem. He knows it, so do I, which is why I am trying to explain to him the diff between SF and Affection. His mind links them together.

I know that you want your WH(I won't give him the F until he does something to change his behaviour, he is still wayward until then) to get on board with MB. I find it hard to read that you are educating him and that he is behaving. It seems like HUGE DJ and LBs. You can't educate someone else without it being a LB.

The BEAUTY about MB is that you all you need to do is improve yourself. You improve what you do and what you will and will not accept.

Is he getting the narcotics from a legitimate source? From more than one source?
Does he drive/work after taking the narcotic?
Is he addicted?

Well, I think SF and Affection are super-linked ... especially for MEN (not just your husband).

Scotland...The keylogger doesn't lie. The OW in his EA lives in Turkey. I know EVERY move he makes. As for 'educating' him, yeah, sorta. He sees the changes in me and likes them, so, I take every opportunity to 'teach' him a little at a time. Not LB'ing or DJ'ing when he is asking questions, is it? As I stated, he sees the changes in me and he is learning what I will and won't accept in all aspects of my life.

Pep...yes, from our Dr. He has had back fusion surgery, been to top Drs in that field and the can not find out why he is still in so much pain and sometimes his legs go numb. It's VERY frustrating. No, not addicted.

I agree...super-linked. Now, if I can just figure out how to break the link....

Not LB'ing or DJ'ing when he is asking questions, is it?

If you are answering questions that he is asking and doing it in a way that doesn't imply that you think he is naive about these things and that you know the better way, then no. What I was talking about is the way that you are posting. I don't know how your marriage really is other than what you are posting on here. In almost every post I have seen on this thread, I have seen you talking about your husband "behaving" and you educating him. To me, as an onlooker, I saw it as a DJ. I would actually cringe when I read it.

I am not saying that you do this IRL but your posts tend to show it. It is just something to look at. I told you that the beauty of MB is that you focus on changing YOU. I hope you can get your WH on board with MB.

That is exactly what I am doing.


I just mean that his N/C is true and that he is trying so hard to gain back my trust. He is getting back to being my H again instead of the hard, cold, cruel jerk he was being. I'm really proud of him. I tell him the MB way only when he asks, and he is doing that ALOT!


I'm sorry. You know how it is with 'posts' and 'email'. You can't 'read' what the person is truly trying to say or feels sometimes. Things can be mis-construed. I am changing me. It shows. He sees it. He likes it very much. Hence, his questions. He's curious, but I don't think that he will ever post here. He's so very private. That being said, I'm VERY encouraged that he wants to better himself as well by asking questions and 'learning' through me and my actions and both of us changing for the better.

I did talk to him a bit about trying to separate the SF and the Affection. I know alot of it has to do with his pain and the painkillers. He has acknowledged that SF has dropped way down on his EN list from #1 to almost non-existant. So, I'm working on his #2 which is Admiration. Anyway, with SF being quite high on MY EN list, it's a work in progress. I'm just trying to figure it all out in my head. It's hard. He had an EA, so I guess that's why it's so important to me to get back the SF. That's how/when I feel the closest to him. Part of me is scared that when it does happen, it isn't about us. That's the BS fog, I'm sure. I know it's not FR. I am just having a lot of issues inside of me. It's not like I haven't been here before with my long-ago ExH. You would think I would know how to handle these things, but I don't. There are alot of triggers from my past I'm sure. While my ExH & I are 'friends' now, there has never been any convo about why he did what he did....no closure I guess. IDK I just know that I have alot of emotions and thoughts rolling through me and I'm trying to work through and past them.

I do appreciate your help, as WELL as the 2x4's. Thank you.