You may think it will happen again but I do not. I just don't know how to get past how stupid he was. He will not be with these people after training, he is being sent to a different area from where they are. These are people from all over coming to train in one facility and being redistributed to different states or out of the country. He most likely won't ever see these people again. And I say the girl is a trouble maker because he told me she is. She's already been kicked out and they're just holding her there while they process her giant stack of paperwork. If you don't agree, then what kind of girl is ok with letting multiple men mount her?

As for his job, it's not just a job, and they already know. I've already stated that he is in trouble for this, that he could be kicked out. Maybe you missed this?

As far as making excuses for him, I don't consider this making excuses. This is me trying to rationalize how this happened when this isn't like him. He is devastated by what he's done, he hates himself right now. I'm trying to find help for him as much as for me. I'm past blaming him right now, I want to fix this.

Also, I never said the swinger thing was genetic, but growing up where that is acceptable behavior is obviously going to affect relationships later in life. Again, not an excuse. He has to deal with this now or it won't ever work and I will leave.

If you do not marriage proof your relationship it will happen again.
Read this board and see how many waywards have multiple A's and it is surprising to the spouse when it happens again and again.

There will always be people around that will encourage bad behaviour so even if these people are assigned to different areas does not mean all temptation will be gone.

As for the girl yes they are despicable being with married men but he was just as responsible. You need to realize this.

I did not miss that he could be kicked out. If so then at least who he is working has a strong policy with ethics.

You will get much help here and great advise. Start reading all the links and look for information in these threads.

Good luck

Here is a good start on understanding the MB principles.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Why? Because it hurts too much to think it will happen again? Because your husband is such a good guy who doesn't want to hurt you? Because he's seen the damage it causes and doesn't want to do it again?

Guess what, he did it once and unless he takes measures to protect against it, he will do it again. What happens a couple years from now, he's with a shady group of friends, again has copious amounts of alcohol and another tramp starts hitting on him.

You REALLY think he'll walk away, when he's inebrieated and thinking about how great his parent's open marriage is?

He'll do it again.

Everyone is wired for an affair. Even you, even ME. Affairs are disturbingly easy to fall into - read around here for a while and you'll see what I mean.

I get the feeling you want to brush this under the carpet and just 'get over it'.

I'm sorry it won't happen like that.

It seems like you are making excuses because you ARE making excuses. You are also enabling him by encouraging going to strip clubs. Marriage MUST be a sexually exclusive relationship.


He's indicated that these are the TYPE of people he likes to hang out with. Even after training and you go off your separate way, there will be people like that there too.

The only way to avoid another situation like this is to change the types of friends you have. All your friends should be supportive of your marriage. A good friend would have stopped your husband and said 'Think man, you have a wife at home'. Any friend that wouldn't do that isn't worth your time.

As he's demonstrated he cannot handle himself like an adult around alcohol - I'd say the alcohol has to go, completely and forever.


And you think she's the only one of her kind - get rid of her and you solve the problem? Hon, these girls are everywhere. I guarantee you your husband will meet another one... probably while drunk, probably with a bunch of bad friends.... but it wont happen again right? /sarcasm


Got it - good - maybe they'll keep him in line since you don't seem interested in that job.


But he should be blamed. The blame is his. The fault was his. You need to accept that just as much as he does. So what if he hates himself? Aww poor guy feels bad - lets just pat him on the head and tell him never to do it again, k?

No.

You cannot rationalize how this isn't like him, because it IS him. He is an adulterer, now. And unless he completely changes his mindset, his actions and his life he will stay an adulterer.

Any time you offer an excuse or reason. Any time you use the word 'but' you are making an excuse. You are saying there are some mitigating circumstances that make it kinda ok that he did what he did. There are no mitigating circumstances. There are no reasons. None.

His sex drive is no more out of the ordinary than any other man. He had crummy parents who gave him a poor example - so do many other men, and guess what, they don't cheat. The difference isn't the upbringing. The difference is they protect their marriage.

My mother had an affair and made me grow up calling the other man dad. So is it not so bad if I go spread my legs for some guy down the street? Of course not.



You're right. And the way he deals with it is by putting protections in place to ensure this never happens again. The pain he caused you, the guilt he feels - all that will go out the window, next time he's drunk, with the right people and with the right girl. He will do it again unless he makes changes to his life.

His upbringing has negatively impacted his ability to have a successful marriage on his own. Now the two of you are paying the price. He's going to have to completely re-examine his view of marriage and change it into one that actually gives your marriage a chance.

Read up here on Extraordinary Precautions

DO NOT have children with this man, yet. Do not subject them to the danger he poses. Wait - until you are recovered. Recovery takes 2-5 years. That's longer than you've been married. You up for that?

2 years minimum to recover from an affair.
And the road to recovery is straight and narrow. You don't do it right and you're setting yourself up to be right back here again a few years from now, only then you'll have kids to compound the pain.

You know, some of you seem to think that I'm not taking this seriously enough, that I'm turning the other cheek to his behavior. I'm not. I don't have to explain myself to any of you. Maybe I'm just dealing with this differently than most people would, but believe me, my husband is not getting any sympathy from me. What I've said on here is just trying to explain what's happened so maybe I can get some good advice of how to handle this. In reality I am not letting him believe for a second that this behavior is ok. I'm being harder on him than I wanted to be and I really upset him today because of it. But I think that needs to happen right now. I'm not ignorant to the fact that he could find himself in similar situations with other shady people in the future. I know there are tons of people like this, but we don't really associate with people like that. He hardly knows the people he was with, they're training in a classroom environment so that's mainly when/how they interact. Sometimes they get to hang out after classes but this was the first time he'd gone out on the town with these people. Obviously their true character came out.

We've already been discussing behaviors that need to change. He's addressed the drinking and the friends on his own, I didn't even need to say anything about it. He's making changes on his own right now, without me being there. While we've had problems in our relationship before, and his addiction has come up before, he's never taken action like this before. It seems that he's really serious about changing this time. He wants to start going to marriage counseling right away and, like I've mentioned before, get treatment for his addiction as well. We'll just have to wait and see if he follows through on everything. If he doesn't then I'm going to have to make a choice at that point.

As for reading up, I have yet to find anything that really applies to my situation. Everything is talking about actual, ongoing affairs. This isn't really the same as what all the material I'm finding talks about, yes it's still cheating, but other than the actual act I have yet to find anything that has been helpful with this specific type of situation.

I'd also appreciate it if people could stop criticizing my relationship and instead focus on what I'm asking for. Guidance in how to work through this. I don't need you to point out the problems in my marriage, my husband or myself. I already know more about all of those problems than I'm even telling you here.

Pixie,

I don't have anything as an example either. However, from reading on here for weeks, there are ways to affair proof a marriage. When you say he has an addiction, is it drinking and sexual and porno? When people want to recover there marriage, on here they appear to write out a list of requirements to be met.

1) reading marriage builders site and completing the emotional needs questionaires.
2) spending 15 hours of UA a week.
3) going to Marriage counseling and in his case individual counseling.
4) getting tested for std's.

These are conditions you need to make to recover your marriage and trust in your spouse. For me I have to say no more discussions of other people in your sexual fantasties. There is nothing about that in marriage builders. IMO you have to adapt to what your individual needs are. SexyMamaBear's DH Tst, made a postnup giving her everything if me messed up again.

People can only help you based on what you say. Be open and listen. Trust me my situation is a mess and there are no other people involved.

Every time someone tries and gives you advice you develop a chip on your shoulder. You need to be open and listen what is being said.


But he did associate himself with people like this because his marriage is not affair proof



Again here is the excuses for him. You talk about their true character, did his true character come out also? You need to open your eyes and stop blaming people, places and things and look at where the problem is your husband.



No one is criticizing you. We are trying to educate you. there are many threads where spouses had one night stands, emotional affairs, and physical affairs. Your husband's action is neither unique or different than most of these threads.

Please keep reading, buy surviving an affair, and be open.