Greetings to everyone. I�m newlywed. I married my wonderful new wife early this month. We both were BS�s in our prior marriages. We have strong boundaries we follow in marriage and things really �click� between us. People see us and tell us we have �it�, whatever �it� is, we have it.

She has stepped up in a big way with my kids and they love her. She is a great example as a woman for my kids to look up to and we�re really enjoying putting our home together.

I obviously wish to keep things strong. I wanted to find a forum where I could discuss things that didn�t deal with infidelity necessarily, but focused on keeping the marriage strong. Ironically, I can�t seem to easily find a section for newlyweds in the forums. Can anyone point me to the right place?

I�m happy to keep posting here, since I�m familiar with many of the posters on here, but it seems a bit out of place.

Then again, perhaps we can inspire someone that things eventually get better and that a catastrophe like infidelity can open up other doors of possible happiness.

I had a very Catholic moment recently. I felt guilty of having so many blessings lately. My brother says that all my bad Karma is turning around and I�m getting leveled out for the all the negative I once had.

Four years ago I was newly unemployed, divorced, homeless (living off the charity of friends), and in a bitter custody battle with my wxw.

Today I have a good job, see my kids regularly, and have a wonderful woman in my life. I honestly can�t complain.

Congratulations!

I would post over on MB101. They should be able to help you with anything that comes up. A good book for newlyweds is I Promise You.

HTLD, my first instinct is to suggest 101. Then I also thought that you could be in recovery, as this is definitely an example of personal recovery. It would show some people out there a good example of that.

The only advise I have for you is to stick with MB. I am sure you were already doing that anyways. Is your wife(CONGRATS BTW) on board with MB?

She was on MB when dealing with her ex's EA, but the affair was the straw that broke the camel's back for her and she never wanted to recover her marriage. She had no kids with him and the revelation of an EA was an eye opener.

She filed for a D and has never looked back.

Mine was a bit more bloody than that. My personal recovery took years. The custody battle I fought was pretty bloody and brutal, but I was basically the "winner" if there is such a thing. The kids get to see me regularly and I'm a big part of their lives, which is what I wanted.

Things with my ex have settled down quite a bit. We're never going to be friends, but we can be around each other around the kids. It helps that there is no OM she's with. Her boyfriend is a good man that treats the kids well and had no role in the demise of our marriage, so I have nothing against him.

In fact, I would be upset if they broke up because I don't worry about how he treats the kids. He does more with them than my ex does. Why he does this, I don't know, but I'm glad he does. He helps them with school and plays with the boys and respects my role in their lives.

The big contrast my kids have is that I am a champion of marriage while my ex lives with her bf. I've emphasized to them how my wife and I didn't live together prior to marriage and that we went in front of family and friends and God to profess our love to each other. There's no "rental agreement." We made the committment to each other while I heard that my ex and her bf "are happy with how things are."

I've taught my kids about God and His love for us and how it's important to follow His rules. Their mom is agnostic. I don't attack that, but simply let the teachings and the examples speak for themselves.

I don't in any way think I'm better than my ex, but we certainly present two very different standards to our kids. It's up to them to decide who they wish to emulate as they get older. I hope they follow a path where they don't live with their significant others prior to marriage and they value God. All I can do is set the example and they inspire me to BE an example.

So my wife and I are building this new family together and very much want to be a big influence in my kids lives. I'm really lucky to have found a woman like her. She's made me a better father and she's learning a ton about kids and is a great step mom. We've had our challenges already, but they're the kind we happily work through and haven't been obstacles.

I know my opinions about how to deal with a wayward are often controversial on this board, but I come from the perpective of a man who was betrayed, very heartbroken, and found happiness again at a level I never realized I could have. This is why I often advise the betrayed to not settle for an undeserving wayward, unless a wayward is willing to change and acknowledge their wrong and committ to recovery.

But I know the pain and understand it. Believe me, I know how much it sucks.

But I am glad I went down the paths I went. If I had stayed married the kids wouldn't have gotten to know my family very well and I honestly would have been drained of life over time. My relationship with my ex was based on me taking care of her while she was often "sick." Those were ironically the best moments of our marriage, which shows a serious problem.

My new marriage is based on being a team as we tackle the challenges of life. It's a huge difference and one I'm grateful to have now.

So if this inspires someone betrayed, then great. There is life after divorce and the wayward ex eventually becomes a non factor if a BS chooses to put them in the corner of irrelevance. They simply get reduced to someone you must consult about the kids now and then.

PO3:

Great news...!

This forum is fine for keeping in touch, many of the poster here are familiar with the MB concepts becasue they went to the MB weekend, or seminars that they now have. Plus there are just MORE folks here.

MB101 is good as well. For that is where the principle of HNHN and FIL,SIL are explored.

Godspeed!

LG

So did you MEET through MB? If so, then you TRULY have an MB marriage! Congrats!

We met through eH, not MB.

I introduced her to MB after we met, but it was more along the lines of principles for marriage than it was about coping with infidelity.

I�ll look into some of the resources you guys have mentioned. I�m sure she�ll be willing to try them.

She�s had some interactions with my ex and has been a bit surprised with some of the weird things my ex does. It�s funny because she�ll dwell on some of her observations sometimes while I�m thinking �I�d rather be talking about paint drying.�

My kids love her. It�s funny that they sometimes say some rather insightful things to her and other times say things that catch her off guard.

My daughter has been the source of most of these questions.

My wife was excited about getting her first card with her name change. It�s funny because it was a Sam�s club membership. She went to DD8 and said, �Look! It�s my first card as Mrs. HTLD!�

My daughter looked at her and asked, �Are you going to stay married to my daddy?�

The question surprised my wife, but she responded with humor and said, �Of course! You can help change my diapers when I�m 85!�

This made DD8 laugh. She and my wife have a good relationship so far and one of the ways that I�ve explained what the goal of marriage is is the movie �Up�. I tell DD8 that we want to grow old together like the couple in the movie and it helps her understand what marriage is supposed to be vs what she has lived through.

Another funnier story dealt with questions of name changes after marriage. DD8 asked Mrs. H if you had to change your name after marriage. Mrs. H told her that she doesn�t have to but that it was traditional to. She told her that she wouldn�t want to change her name if she was going to become Mrs. Stinkypants. Again, DD8 laughed.

Interactions like this make me feel good as a dad and a husband.I hope the teen years will continue the good relationship.

I guess this is why I thought you met on MB since you said she was on MB when dealing with her ex's EA.

I introduced her to it in case she felt she needed it as a source of support, but she really ended up reading more about the principles and didn't really feel a need for support to deal with those issues since she was happy to be rid of her WH. So she didn't really relate to the normal emotions of a BS but was more interested in the MB principles. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

Oh, okay. Gotcha!

It's very interesting to see how some BSes can put things behind them and move on without much emotional heartache. Others, however, never seem to recover. I have a woman in my DivorceCare group that still has a cloud over her head about her WXH. Her D happened 4 years ago. She still wrestles with it and it cost her a relationship.

Mrs. H found out that her WXH was having an EA. This was actually a relief to her since she had spent years wondering why he was so mean and nasty with her and why he acted so weird towards her. The misery she lived in took it's toll, drained her LB, and the revelation combined with his sudden revalation that he didn't wish to have kids effectively killed her feelings for him. There were no kids in the equation and she left and never looked back.

She told me that when she finally left their house she left a sign she found at a shop somewhere in the cupboard that said, "My next husband will be normal!"

So she's very happy that I don't have any interests in internal decorating, operas, and that I don't wear serrongs (sp?).

(Nothing against operas, BTW. I went to one as a curiosity, but they just don't interest me that much.)

She suspected he might be gay when they were married and asked him about it and he responded with, "I'm dealing with that with my counselor."

So the revelation that he was cheating was an out for her and brought all the crazy behavior into focus.

The thing I've loved the most outside of her interaction with me and the kids is her interaction with my family. She stays in regular contact with my mom and that has made things great.

Our wedding was one where I felt honest to God peace inside and was an awesome night we enjoyed in every way. She felt relaxed too and was happy to just get things going but was otherwise stress free on both ends.

My wedding to my WXW, on the other hand, was a complete nightmare involving her family slapping my mom and fights and curses. It was a sign. They didn't get along so great.

My cat never liked her either. Should have told me all I needed to know.

The cat prognosticator .... Good to know.

Congratulations and blessings.

Guess that would be "Cat Intuition"?

Yeah I got some advice (beware, im in a funny mood)


Don't buy the southwest eggrolls from Sam's .. they arent spicy enough.
Consider Texas for the next honeymoon or vacation
Kick any ex-g/fs that look you up to the curb IMMEDIATELY by replying pretending to be your wife. Be Mean!!
Invest in a massage class so you can do it correctly

And sometimes you have to decide if you want to be "right in a argument or be married."

Congrats man!!

Interesting thing happened yesterday:

We're driving back from celebrating the boys' birthday by stuffing ourselves at Cici's when Mrs. H says, "I have a confession to make...."

I look at her and wonder what it could be. My guess was that she was upset about something and was holding it in.

Far from it.

She said, "I went to X Road today."

X Road is one of the possible places we have been talking about in terms of buying a house.

I'm like, "That's it? That's the great confession?"

I drove quietly for a few seconds and said, "why would that possibly upset me?"

She said, "I'm sorry. I have to remember that you're different."

In other words, I'm not like her ex.

She explained that he would get angry with her if she did things without his permission or looked at things like houses or furniture without him. We talked about it later and she says that she understands that she needs to reprogram her brain that I�m nothing like that.

I told her that I really don�t care if she�s out looking at houses or wants to redecorate the house. I told her to have at it if she wishes and that I didn�t care so long as she didn�t want to paint the house in purple poka dots.

We had a good long talk about the dynamics at work last night. She says she�s very grateful that I�m nothing like that.

She�s absolutely nothing like my ex wife, so I have no such worries about her, unless she starts complaining about imagined ailments.

I have no experience with dealing with a normal woman so there is never a worry about parallels with my ex. I WANT an independent woman who does stuff on her own without necessarily wanting me at her side every waking moment. It�s nice.