I've been divorced now since 2001 we have two girls they are now 14 yrs old - ex husband married his mistress a few weeks after divorce was final. I kept acreage only home known to our girls. I remarried in 2002. my new husband & I have a son together. Who's 6 yrs old. My ex is in law enforcement so his visitation is he has them on his 3 days off & the girls are with me on his 6 days he works. My ex's wife has always been manipulative. For the most part we have gotten along great. The girls are happy & thriving. We have horses on our acreage, the girls are involved in 4-h & saddle clubs. They have went to a christian school since they were 3yrs old. Now it's time to find a High School for them as they start 9th grade this fall. My ex & I have agreed the girls would NOT go to the public schools in our district because of their safety as their dad is in law enforcement. He has arrested a lot of the students/and or parents that go to the high school in our district. We tried for Open Enrollment. My ex said to do whatever I could to get the girls out of our district. The schools board DENIED us because they felt the girls haven't ever been hurt or harrassed. But they NEVER were in the public schools. Now our option is to send the girls to a christian high school. The step mom said she's concerned about the size of the school since it's so small that when the girls go from High School to college it would be too much of a change for them. Plus she said they can't pay tuition. I said I have paid ALL the tuition since the girls have been 3yrs old & I would continue to pay it. My ex's wife hasn't worked this year. She quit her job because she didn't get a promotion she wanted. My ex & his wife are also going through bankruptcy. This past weekend when he dropped off the girls - one of our daughters cried after they left. She said she can NOT take all the pressure that she's getting from the step mom. She said the step mom has been pressuring them into changing the visitation schedule to week on week off. My daughter spoke up & said that she really liked things how they are. The step mom spoke up & said "So you don't want to spend more time with us" My daughter said that wasn't what she meant. Then my daughter felt so pressured that she said EXACTLY what the step mom wanted to hear (that she does want to change visitation) She said she is pressuring/scaring her into making her say exactly what she wants to hear - that's the only way she(step mom) is happy is if she gets her way.
My daughter said she just wants to be a kids & NOT have this pressure.
I called to talk to the girls dad about the pressuring the step mom is doing & how upset our daughter was. He said don't worry he'd take care of it. The next morning he called back.
He said his wife is VERY upset. She wants to leave him & made arrangements to move out. She doesn't want to be with my ex because he can't put his foot down about anything with the girls. Step mom told my ex that if she can have more control over the girls & get the visitation she wants she if gone. My ex begged me to let him tell her that I would agree to whatever she wants. I told my ex that he sounds EXACTLY like what our daughter was going through. I told him I would NOT agree to anything that puts the girls at risk. They are thriving why would we change that. He agreed & didn't know what he was going to do. He knows it's her illness, the step mom is bipolar & Schizophrenic. He called me back in the afternoon. Said he doesn't want to ruin his marriage of over 9yrs because of this. He is the girls FATHER & he is the HEAD OF THE HOUSE - if he wants to change the visitation he can & will do that. He said when our daughter freaked out about being pressured it was unnecessary he said that she probably did it anyway because of me. He said he knows the girls have a lot gone on "over there"(meaning at home) with horses and everything & the week on week off schedule he would just bring them where ever they need to be. This schedule is more convenient for him & his wife, no mess, no fuss & he wouldn't forget things like he does now. He said i would see it that way too if I'd just try it. I said NOT it's not in the best interest of the girls. He said she (step mom) is my wife & she has an opinion & I AM going to stand behind HER opinion. Meaning wanting the visitation change & to send the girls to the public school we tried so hard to get out of & I even paid a lawyer to assist us. He even testified about gang activity & arrests made at that school that it isn't safe for his daughters now he wants to send them there. I told him that he has ALWAYS said he'd like them to go to the Christian High School. He said yes but he didn't realize it the class size was so small. (YES HE DID). I have contacted my attorney we meet with him next week. I am so sad that he just put his daughters aside & is listening to whatever his wife(step mom) wants. Everyone who has dealt with her say they would consider her dangerous. She is a VERY manipulative person. I know my daughters do enjoy being with their dad - they even like to be around the step mom at times. The kids love us all & want us all to be happy. I do NOT want the girls to go to the public school in our district but their step mom feels they should. The school is small but so was the elementry/middle school they went to. Privite Christian schools are. I feel the Christian High School is our only option right now. I do anything I can so the girls dad can see them extra. I CAN not be a door mat to what the step mom wants. Any advice???

Oh my gosh - I've just relived my entire teenage years. I know EXACTLY what it is your daughters are feeling and going through. I know the pressure they're feeling and the guilt at not being able to make all their parents happy. How hurtful it is to be accused of not loving your parent enough or wanting to see them enough.

I know what your girls feel.

My mother had an affair and married the other man who we were forced to live with until I turned about 12. Then my brother had enough and we both decided to live with our father and visit my mother, with less and less frequency as things got uglier and uglier.

It was an ugly and horrible situation with so much pain on every side.

All you can do is be an advocate for your girls. They have no one. If they want things to stay the same - if you think it's best for them to go to the Christian school then FIGHT for that. YOU are their mother. This Other Woman is trying to run BOTH your families and she has no right to do that. She is not their mother, she is not making decisions for what is in their best interest, but for what is in hers.

Others may disagree and tell you to play nicey-nice with the girl's father but I firmly believe that you should fight for what your girls want. They can't fight for themselves yet.

If their relationship with their father is damaged that is his own fault.

I know MB says the needs of the marriage must come before children, especially children of a previous relationship. And I know MB can be applied even to affairages (which is what your ex's marriage is) but I just cannot accept that in this case.

If your girls want to stick to their current visitation schedule, if you feel the Christian High School is best then go for that. Don't let one crazy adulteress dictate to you how your family will be run. She can browbeat her husband all she wants, but she has no right to do that to you or your daughters.

I would not cave in to OW's demands. Who has custody? I do not believe a judge will change the visitation schedule you have in place now....it has worked well for many years and it makes sense---do I understand it right....XH works 6 on 3 off and he gets the girls on his 3 days off? The girls opinion will be considered in this due to their ages. I don't think you have much to worry about.

As far as the school issue....you are paying, so they need to shut up. Seriously...how can they argue AGAINST private school when someone else is picking up the tab?

Calm down, see attorney and update us!

Saving his affairage is NOT your problem. Don't give in.

The only issue your DDs would have with the Christian High School would be if it isn't accredited because many colleges don't accept non-accredited high school diplomas.

I went to a small Christian High School (48 kids in my graduating class). When I sent my application to the University of Washington-which is very competitive to get into- my gpa was bumped up by the admissions department because they knew that my school had much more rigorous academic requirements than the other high schools in my area. (I ended up at a smaller Christian college with an excellent education department).

So, the whole "small high school won't prepare them for college" argument is really moot. The kids who struggle in college are the ones who don't have a strong sense of who they are and don't have the skills to do the work needed to be successful in college. (I also taught Study Skills for College Success at the local community college).

Your XH's wistress wants to have more control over YOUR DDs? That's a recipe for disaster. He is being a wimp. He is showing your DDs that his wistress means more to him than they do.

Stay the course!

The decisions concerning your daughters are none of OW's business. This is between you and their dad. With that said, your girls are old enough to have some say in these matters. If he tries to modify the visitation/custody order in place now, he will have to take you back to court and at their age, it is likely that the Judge will allow your daughters to testify about what they want.

Don't give in on this. If EXWH insist on berating you and making you uncomfortable with his communications, let him know that you will only communicate via email from now on (everything is on the record) or through your attorney.

I don't think he really wants to "go there."

Good luck!

She IS NOT there mother and never will. She needs to get straight on her place in the lives of your kids. It's not upfront and center period. If she doesn't like how your ex handles them then that is a discussion for the two of them and he needs to step up. NOT give her more control. She doesn't like tough they are not hers and her opinion is just that nothing more.

My H is having to understand that he can not get in the middle of my parenting and all he can do is advise and nothing more. He has kids of his own and it's difficult role to be in, but he is aware and understands that it's how it is. He steps off once in a blue moon when he is frustrated but has never asked to parent or have more control with my kids.

Worthy

The Christian High School is accredited - My only options are sending & paying for the girls to go to the Christian High School or pay the tuition in fee to the High School that we were denied to go to from our School district. I looked at the tuition between both schools - it is a difference of $300. My husband & I can cut back on a few things to make up that $300 - I feel that since the other school was our first option & there are A LOT more opportunities for my daughters at the other school I think it's worth paying the $300 more per month. My ex hasn't talked about it yet this week like he said he would. I pray things go well. I get the feeling that my ex is on good terms with his wife that he has smooth sailing - My ex & I do have JOINT custody & he couldn't pick them up Sunday so his wife picked the girls up. My son who's 6 yrs old REALLY misses his sisters when they are gone. He was making remarks when the step mom was there to pick up the girls - she told my son that he must have Bipolar like she does. She kept on telling him that. She also told as soon as she get her disability (as she's bipolar & schitzophrenic) she's buying this Traverse. (Cost $35,000 - $40,000) She hasn't worked for months they are also going through bankruptcy & my ex told me he can't even afford the payments for all the back pay, interest, etc on the house payment even if they go through bankruptcy. I feel bad for people who have financial problems but for them she LOVES to spend the money - high maintenance.

All this mess is causing a wrench between my husband & I he is really worried about me. I lost over 8 pounds last week with all the stress my ex gave me from one extreme to the next. The step mom is VERY manipulative & wants EVERYTHING for herself - she wants everything I have & do everything I do. She called a couple of weeks ago about setting up a dermatologist appointment for my daugher, she said I am their mother & she felt I should arrange all that & she would tell my ex to butt out & let me handle it. Then last week she was the opposite she wants to control my daughters lives. She is a back stabber says one thing & does another.

I do EVERYTHING for my ex so he can see the girls extra whenever he wants - I even jeopordize my plans & put myself & my husband on the back burner so he can see the girls. But when his wife wants to change the visitations because it's more convenient for them & that his wife wants to control of my daughters lives he gives me the sad story on how busy he is or everything about "him". It's ALWAYS everyone else's fault he NEVER takes blame himself for anything. All I hear is these excuses when I give them an inch they take a mile & just walk all over me. To me the "perfect" visitation he wants is if we were still married & he never left us. I wish I could say that to him in a way that sounds tactful. The step mom is trying to get into our lives just to upset iritate us so she can make herself look like she's super nice & super step mom. I do not know how to deal with her. She's started calling me about things with the girls and when I call my ex on his phone he lets her answer the phone. He is scared of her too. The day after I spoke with my ex about his wife pressuring the girls we actually had a great talk. He said he knew he didn't do anything wrong by standing up for the girls & telling his wife NOT to pressure the girls - then she changed his mind & by the afternoon he turned it around & said our daughter was just freaking out because of me & he was standing my his wifes opinion which is change visitation & she wants more control. I can't explain my feelings inside - I feel my daughters are unprotected even by their own dad. I really don't even want my daughters around the step mom. I'm sure they do have fun with step mom at times & they love their dad & feel sorry for him too but they also have said to me that he got himself into the mess he's in. I NEVER talk bad about their dad or step mom. I just listen, let them know how much I love them & tell them I am here for them day or night. I can not tolerate the step mom. Reading Vibrissa's post - I really need to stand up for my daughters & not worry so much about causing hurtful fights/feelings between my ex & I.
How do I say all this to him in a tactful way but to the point. Thanks so much for all your Posts - it really gets me through the day.

A couple of thoughts come to mind. Perhaps it would be a good idea to start following the current parenting plan and visitation schedule to the letter. Rather than putting yourself out and bending over backwards for your ex who clearly takes it for granted.

I would personally request that all communication about the kids be ONLY between you and your ex. There is no need for the OW to speak with you about anything.

Business like and matter fact is how I would approach it, but you know your ex and how he thinks.

These are partly reasons why I pulled for full custody. But my ex wasn't very involved with the kids in the first place so nothing really changed for him except living alone.

Worthy

Just before vacation my ex's wife called & wanted to talk about High Schools. We all met at my work. We decided on the High School my daughters. I am paying 100% of the tuition in costs to send them there. The girls dad is not helping out. We thought the meeting was over then my ex's wife started talking about changing the visitaton schedule. I said NOT in the best interest of the girls. She said that she talked to our Pastor (same pastor who I consulted with when she was sleeping around with my ex) She said Pastor suggested getting a mediator from church or a court appointed on to decide what visitation the girls should have or she said we could all sit down as a family & ask the girls. Myself, my husband & my ex all said NO we are not putting the girls in the middle. She could tell I wouldn't budge so she said if it goes to court the judge will put the girls on the stand & it will be VERY rough for them & then she said the judge will rule on the visitation she wants. I took that as I threat - I said the judge will NOT rule that then she went on & on about Pastor says this & Pastor says that. I said I DO NOT care what Pastor says I am their MOTHER & I decide what's best for them & I am not changing it as it's not in the best interest of the girls. I also told her that things with the girls is between their dad & I - She needs to stay out of it. I will talk directly to their dad NOT to her. She told my ex that he needed to decide right then & there about the visitation I said to leave the girls alone they already are going through a stressful time with a new High School. She got upset with my ex & stormed out & left. He said that this is how she is ALL the time with her illness.

She still keeps calling me. I was on vacation she called left messages. She wanted to know what size clothes the girls wear, & what they need for supplies. The past 9 years I've been divorced I have paid 100% of everything, tuition, lunches, registration fees, school supplies & now she's asking - it was almost like a kick in the butt.

My daughter told me on vacation that her dad was upset because his wife wanted this bed mattress that was soft & vibrates & cost $3000. They are going through bankruptcy but she said that if he doesn't buy that mattress that she is NOT sleeping in their house.

It will be interesting the next couple of weeks. I think my ex told his wife that I agreed to their visitation schedule she wants to make her happy. I'm sure he will try to keep the girls. As he said he's the head of the household & he has a right to do what he wants.

Any helpful advice??

Thanks

Well done Mamma Bear.

Why is this woman calling you? She is a bully - she bullys her husband, she tries to bully your girls, and now she is going to start bullying you. You need to start blocking her number. You need as minimal contact with this woman as possible.

If she needs the girl's sizes she can ask them when she has them. If she needs to know what supplies they need, she can ask them when she has them.

She does NOT need to be calling and harassing you. Opening communications between you and her sounds like a bad idea to me. You should deal with their FATHER, not her.

And I agree that negotiating visitation should be between you, the girls, and their father.

Your ex is an enabler to this abusive woman's behavior.

I think you have accommodated your ex and his wistress enough. You may have to pursue this legally to get her to stop.

She is trying to change the custody agreement. She only has a monetary and whatever "power" issue interest in changing it. Plus, she's being treated for two mental illnesses. Having a lawyer send a letter or whatever might help your ex have the b@$$ to stand up to her and do the right thing for his DDs.