I don't know the jist of this forum, weather there are any biblical support or not. However, from what I understand, it is clear that God hates divorce, and the only reason to divorce is if the spouse cheats. Anyway, No one cheated in this marriage, but my wife wanted the divorce after 3 years. (I was her 3rd husband)
A year went by, she filed the papers, and went to court to make our divorce final. 6 weeks after the divorce was final she sends me an e-mail out of the blue. Keep in mind that I haven't heard one word from her in 8 months! She says that she hopes I'm doing well. Of course I e-mail back and tell her I'm fine and God bless. She continues to e-mail me and make conversation. I get curious, and continue the e-mails myself. About 2 weeks later, after e-mailing back and forth we decide to meet for icecream. We talked for 7 HOURS, about everything under the sun. I found out from her that she was in a relationship for almost a year. So 2 months after we separated, she starts dating another guy.
Question #1. Can someone REALLY love someone if they get into a serious relationship 2 MONTHS AFTER A SEPARATION? I don't think she really loved me. I couldn't even think about other girls, but she had no problem dating.
Question #2. And this is the biblical question. If she ASKED for the separation, started a new relationship that lasted almost a year, went through the divorce process, even though she knew I DID NOT WANT TO END THE MARRIAGE, then all of the sudden she wants to make it work again, if I say no is the divorce now on me? Am I obligated to reconcile after SHE filed, and payed for the divorce?
Question #3 Am I crazy to consider it? After all another man slept with her, ate in MY kitchen, slept in MY bed.
I don't know. We talked about reconciling very briefly, but she wants to spend time alone to gather her thoughts and go through some counciling at the moment.

The bible says to be as wise as serpents and as gentle a lambs, IIRC.

I think Ronald Reagan summed it up as trust but verify.

Personally, I think this ends up being what do you want to do. She betrayed you, and there are many passages that give you a "Biblical out" due to her infidelity.

So let's see. She's been married three times. How many times has she been divorced? Once? Maybe you look into reconciliation. Three? I'd be wary. What is she going to do to make sure the pattern stops repeating?

She had an affair? Again, what is she going to do to protect you from further emotional abuse.

Has she expressed remorse? Has she said that what she did was sinful and wrong? Did she confess that she sinned against both you and against God?

If things are on this very superficial level, I'd likely remain cordial, but detached. If there is no genuine remorse, then why would you let her back in.

Be gentle and wise, just as scripture cautions us to be.

KaytlinsDad,

Sorry that you find yourself here.

You begin your story by saying that no one cheated. Yet then your first question asks about dating two months after separation. Just guessing here, but you probably aren't referring to the divorce but simply to two months after she left you. I hate to be the one to break this to you and really hate to do it like this, but the probability is that she was already seeing this guy she dated BEFORE she even mentioned to you that she wanted a divorce. In reality, I think you realized this all along, but it can be good to get it out in the open.

Which brings me to your second question. Since my answer to number 1 sort of ties into this, I think that the dissolution of your marriage is all on her.

And that just leaves #3...

No, you aren't crazy to consider it. Trying to figure out why she did what she did might make you crazy, but you love her, intended to honor your vows for life and are concerned about what God will think of your efforts when you stand before him when your life here is done.

Let me ask you a question. Do you want to try to put this relationship back together? Really?

Be sure you have read the basic concepts. Also read some of the articles.

Now I am also going to ask you to read some of the Q&A columns related to infidelity and suggest that you also try reading a bit on Surviving An Affair forums. The basic concepts should help you understand how we fall in love and how it might happen that we fall out of love. The articles contain some good stuff about why some women leave their husbands. By reading in SAA and some of the Q&As regarding infidelity, I think you start to see a pattern that you will recognize.

Now since this is her third marriage, why did the previous two end? You weren't one of those guys she started "dating" while still married, were you?

I'm not ignoring the biblical issue, BTW, because I think it is addressed in what is most likely to have really happened, no matter how she is spinning things now or how you have been led to believe that she simply wanted the marriage to be over and another man wasn't already waiting in the wings. around here we have seen this stuff so often that we can sometimes spot an affair based on the recounting of a single conversation. People having affairs are all too common and the things they say and do are so common as to be predictable before the fact.

Read a bit. Consider if you really want to have a relationship with this woman and ask questions as you think of them.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sir. I'm sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances. Go read some stories on SAA. I think you'll find them eyeopening.

Mark

k's dad,
You have received some very wise counsel from one of the most brilliant posters on these forums in my opinion, so I'm reluctant to even try to add anything. But I'm sure Mark* would encourage me to throw my 2 cents in so here goes:

I'm no religious expert at all, but I'm really intrigued by your question and it relates to my situation to some extent:
Here's my return question: How religious is this woman? Under what religious grounds were your wedding vows taken? Have you talked to your priest/rabbi/fill-in-the-blank about your question?

Here's where your question relates to me. I went to my priest (I'm Catholic but only returned to the church when I was in Plan A and my life was falling apart due to my stbxw's infidelity) and told him I was probably heading for divorce from my 15 year marriage. To make matters worse my stbxww had gone from barely Catholic to practically atheist in 15 years (much more convenient to be atheist when you are busy spitting on traditional religious values). Long story shortened: He was THRILLED when he found out we got married OUTSIDE of the church. That meant I could "find myself someone who shares your religious views" and (paraphrasing) "do it right this time." It also meant no worries about lengthy annulment procedures because the Catholic church never recognized the marriage in the first place.
See, for me, the infidelity was a "get out of a bad marriage free card." I'm not judging your wife or your marriage from one post, but if you share any of the above I have to believe that God doesn't want us to stay in a bad marriage, or even return to one once we've been shown the door.

~optimism~

*oh, and enlightened ex is no slouch either.

First your ex-wife doesn't understand what love is...true soul mate, for better or for worse, unconditional love...and it's obvious, you're her THIRD husband...OR she's Bipolar...marries on a high and runs off and divorces on a low...

Yes, God doesn't like divorce, but we're still sinners in our human condition...if you did all you could do to save your marriage, there's really nothing you can do to keep her from filing and divorcing...I wouldn't believe that God would pin the divorce on you...based on your testimony...we'll all stand before God one day and give an account...your ex will have to answer to not only her divorce with you, but the OTHER 2 divorces...

I'm an Orthodox Christian, and we understand that divorces happen...our Church tries to discourage divorce, but by now our Church wouldn't marry her again (you can marry once, get a divorce and marry again and that's it)...obviously she needs spiritual help.

As far as number 3 question...that's your call man, personally, considering her track record, I would stay away and find someone that shares your view of marriage (but even after years, that can change)...but if you believe that working the MB program and developing healthy habits that can sustain your marriage and you feel you can trust her...do it...but you have to be willing to forgive and live with the fact that she's been with other people...

If you can't get marriage right the 2nd time, you never will. Stay away from this toxic and manipulative woman. She'll use you for all your worth and then move on to the next guy. She's a parasite.

Really? Update your story. Its 4 years old!
Can anyone give me advice that doesn't include calling names?

KaytlinsDad,

Actually his story is up to date unless his age has changed recently and he forgot to fix it.

As for the advice without name calling, I thought some of us had done that.

Mark

Your vows were broken when she had sex with another man. Period. Doesn't matter if she did it when you were asleep in the next room, or living on another planet, or separated, or divorced. Her act of adultery ended any obligation you have to attempt to recover the marriage.

Whether you want to recover is another matter. Mark and EE gave you excellent advice in that area.

KD,

Let me put a question to you like this...

Do you still want to have a marriage with your exwife?

If so, then MB can give you the tools you need to make that happen.

If you do NOT want to have a marriage with her then MB can give you the tools you need to make your NEXT marriage, no matter who it is with, not only GREAT but also almost impervious to infidelity and divorce.

You get to make the choice because your marriage DID end; your wife DID have sex with another man while you were still technically and legally married and unless the NEW marriage is going to be one that is fundamentally different in some way that precludes the same thing happening again, you have to ask yourself if it is worth pursuing.

The biblical perspective I think is summarized by Jesus in the famous Matthew 19 passage (verses 1-12), which was recently debated on these very forums. Jesus is actually speaking against remarriage after divorce but allows for one exclusion to that proclamation by making an exception in the case of marital unfaithfulness. The word used in the koine Greek is pornea, which can have a wider meaning that merely a physical act of adultery.

Also keep in mind, that under The Law, adulterers and adulteresses were to be stoned to death and at that point the issue of remarriage was moot. But God Himself while making a plea to His "bride" Judah to return to faithfulness and stop chasing after other gods, claims to have issued a writ of divorce to His previous wife, Israel for exactly the same offense. Under the terms of the covenant with Israel, God would protect, lead and bless the nation as long as they followed His decrees and did not engage in the pagan religions of the people that He led them in driving out in order to establish them in the land He had promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. When they broke that agreement, He was no longer obligate under the agreement.

Marriage too is a covenant relationship. It is an agreement between a man and woman to become a single unit, no longer living for individual selfish desires, but subjugating themselves to the needs of each other and the marriage. By violating the terms of that agreement, the person who violated it is making a way for the agreement to be declared null and void under the terms of the agreement. If you do, A, I will do B. If you do not do A, then I do not have to provide B and all that is left is an X...in your case, X-wife.

Does that more fully answer your question?

Have you read the basic concepts? Do you understand and agree with the Love Bank model of how we as imperfect humans fall in love with each other, which is not to be confused with the biblical mandate to "love one another" using the term agape which is unconditional care as opposed to the FEELING of love that is romantic love?

If you were to remarry this woman, what would be different this time around?

Mark

NOT bipolar -- more like BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. Your ex-wife sounds an awful lot like MY ex-wife, and she fits the clinical description of BPD to a "T." Not to mention that her oldest daughter was clinically diagnosed BPD (it's not inherited, but one DOES get it from their parents).

I caution you, k'dad: Bible or not, I'd be VERY wary about re-establishing any sort of relationship with her. I've been in TOTAL DARKNESS for the past four months with my ex, and it's helped my healing tremendously!

You've been given such advice.

Tell us, what are you doing to act on the good advice that is already presented?

I'll break this down again.

I take exception with this, and you'll see why later.
OK, I'm a little fuzzy on the timeline, but in general, it appears she was in a relationship two months after the separation. If I understand the timeline, it took over a year from when she said she wanted a divorce to when the divorce was final. I believe that separation happened more than two months before the divorce was final.

Therefore, if my understanding (and a few assumptions I admit) are correct, your XW was having an affair.

People who are expressing love one for another do not cheat on that person. Saying you want to divorce, leaving and starting another relationship does not fall into the realm of loving acts.

Again, given this timeline, your XW had an affair. So please, don't remain in denial about her affair. It's a key fact that you need to grasp to make wise decisions.

If she wants to make it work, she has to demonstrate more than just a willingness to make it work. Anyone can SAY they want to make it work.

What evidence is there that she believes her behavior was wrong? Was there confession? What is she doing to repent? What is she doing to demonstrate that she's a safe partner? You can have even a Godly desire to reconcile, but if she's not willing to do these things, I don't even believe God would say you have to marry her again. I really doubt you are the Prophet Hosea, so I don't think God will be calling you to marry an unfaithful woman. I reserve the right be wrong, but I'm pretty sure God uses a different means to deliver His messages today.

I'd not my place to determine if you are sane or not. However, if you do not come to grips with the idea that she did indeed have an affair, then I would NOT advise you to marry. Not because of her behavior, but because of your willful blindness to the reality of the past situation.

Until you face the truth of the past, and dig into both the truth of her past and the truth of what she is or isn't doing to be a repentant, safe spouse, then you would be ill advised to marry ANYONE, let alone a woman who previously betrayed you.