Well, Let me start with my story:

At the end of Feb 2010, my H went to a convention for his work. The same day, I found out my DM had throat cancer and had called to tell him when he got off the plane. When he got back home in a few days, I noticed that something wasn't "right" about him. He came in and didn't greet me. The following days, he started to have his cell phone glued to his side and wouldn't let the kids play with it like he used to do.

On March 7th. He went to his cousins party and told me he would be home around 2:30pm. He didn't call until 7:30pm and came home at 9:30pm. He stated that he had to take care of his drunk cousin. I felt another red flag.

During the following week, he became completely uninterested. I started noticing different things change about him. He became increasingly hostile and by March 18th, blew up when I tried to ask what the problem was and said that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. The following day, we took a ride and talked and he asked for MC. I wholeheartedly agreed. We went home and he confronted me in the bathroom, told me he'd always love me and had passionate SF. The next day, he told me that he had the SF out of pity for ME. He then refused to talk about anything until the MC appointment. My world just crashed.

I started to become suspicious, so I started snooping in the web history and his emails. I found that on the 17th, he had made new accts for Skype, Trillian, and IM. We had our MC on the 25th that did not go very well. Still snooping, I found a whole text conversation that somehow got sent to his email and I confirmed an EA. He professed his love. his frustrations And told her that he would have to stay with me until he got back from the family vacation to Disney the first week of May. I found out what her name was, pictures, some other texts... I printed them and went to confront him. He told me she was "just a friend" (which I didn't believe) and that he wasn't cheating on me... He hasn't touched her at all. I begged and pleaded for our marriage. He finally agreed to giving it 6 months- without any conditions. Sadly to say, I felt forced into agreeing with that, or I would lose everything without trying.

At the next MC on April 1st. I brought up the A. My WH refused to give up his "friendship". He told me that he didn't want a "wife", he wanted a "best friend" and that everything would take care of itself if we have that. So, from that point on, I tried to take care of his EN's. I didn't bring up the A. Even when I found out that he was taking time off work to meet her in parks to talk... I purposely didn't bring up the A at the next MC meeting. I wanted it to be more productive, to see what each other needed. We were constantly having SF during the end of March, the entire month of April and into may

I had been still snooping and collecting evidence. got into his cell phone while he was asleep... Had another MC on the 15th that ended in him wanting to "try" a separation. On the 17th, we went to a park to talk. WH thought a separation is what we needed. I told him I couldn't do that. That night I found out that he was going to a baseball game and he admitted that he was going with her and her boss. They were tickets that his job takes their suppliers to. She works for one of his suppliers. I was completely devastated. He came home and slept on the couch. The next day, he tried to come back into the bedroom and I told him if things didn't change to go back on the couch. He did.

I then started exposing the A. Told my whole family and his whole family and his partners at work. Also, our DD16. (She has never spoke to him about it.) By the next week, I found that he was meeting her more. His family started confronting him and my FIL gave him a week off of work to work out his marriage. FIL cut off the gas to the company car for personal travel and he had taken some loss of pay. I don't know what for. They also met him for lunch to talk to him. WH started to not answer calls from anyone besides work (and of course the OW). WH had invited her to his office while FIL wasn't there so that he could have a picture of the both of them. I found and copied it.

On April 28th, I found out that I was pregnant. I told him when he came home from work. WH exploded for 2 hours calling me every name, telling me to get an abortion, trying to change my email password, changed the computer password and went outside to disconnect the phone and internet service. WH sat on the bed and tried calling the OW in front of me and our children. He kept getting VM. After a few hours of he!!, he calmed down and said that the baby was a mistake but all children deserve to live and be loved. my H before this had wanted another child and was completely anti-abortion. I was shocked at the behavior.

We went on our vacation. He left 4 days after we got back on May 13th. He wanted to "think" for a week. our 3 DD's 16, 7, and 3 were devastated. He told them he would visit. never showed. would call, never did. On the 16th, the OW when back home and found her BF had committed suicide by hanging himself. WH's family and friends tried to tell him to leave. He has shut off all contact with most of them. The A had now turned from EA to PA as well

He only has seen DD's 5 times since he's left. only on a weekday for a couple of hours. They are still waiting for him to come back like he told them he would.

I lost the baby May 31st... Now he has started to spend some money to go out to eat etc. We were financially strapped to begin with. He told me that he would give me his whole check ( I knew that would eventually not happen). With that money being spent, the mortgage is now almost 2 months past due and we are in default of the loan...

I want my marriage to survive. I think it's worth saving and working for. What do I do now?

BW 40 1st M
WH 34 2nd M
M 8 1/2yrs
3 DD's 16(he adopted), 7, 3

Good Morning,

Last Fri. I picked up the book "Not Just Friends" and read it. I found this site on Saturday. For the last 5 days, day and night, I've been trying to learn all that I can from this site. I plan to pick up the book "Surviving an Affair" this weekend.

After countless hours of reading, to some extent, I had done an A plan and exposure.

I just don't know what I should be doing now. He chose to leave after I brought up the fact that they I knew they had Phone S** in our bathroom. He left in a rage. I don't know where I go from here. Is there a plan that I can be doing? Should I expose more? What do I do at this point when there is a separation?

Thank you,

Have your FIL garnish his wages!

Quadrupple ditto.

Sounds like FIL is on your side and if he knew what was going on with your bills...MAY come to your aid...temporarily.

(I say temporarily because often blood is thicker than mud and the waywards family mistakenly acquiesce to evil and withdraws from the drama in an effort to maintain a relationship with their child...no matter how upset they get at the situation the fear of forever losing contact with their child is often too much to handle. On the other hand...some in-laws step up and stand by the betrayed spouse and their granchildren despite the risk of losing concact with their child.)

Mr. W

My FIL is on my side to some extent.

When I exposed the A to him in April, he tried several times to talk to my WH. He was still living in the house. My FIL thought a trial separation might be what was needed so that my WH would get a dose of reality, but I explained to him that I thought that a trial separation would just give him the opportunity to further his A. I think this is the only advise that my WH has taken from him .

I had called my FIL about the missing money in the check and he told me that he couldn't give me that information. He said that it was a "buisness" issue and that he couldn't divulge that information to me, I had to get the information from my WH.

I think my FIL put pressure on my WH the only way he could, like any other employee. He tried to admonish him for using company gas for "pleasure". I still to this day don't know why the rest of the money is missing. WH won't tell me.

I know my FIL is protecting his buisness, his lifeline, over our marriage and will not break those boundries. Quite frankly, my WH is screwing up at work and the only reason he has his job right now is because he is his son. Anybody else would have been fired.

So, short of a court order, he won't just garnish his wages... At the original meeting I had with him, he told me that if WH was screwing up financially, I would have at least 6 months from when the bank would forclose and before I would have to leave. So, he was willing to live with this reality, thinking that maybe it would shock my WH back to his.

I live in NJ. I've counseled with 3 different lawyers, and let me tell you... It seems this state protects the WH A LOT more. It's very frustrating. There isn't legal separation here. You can only file for D, and that's not something I want to do. Because of our financial situation, we both don't have money for a lawyer, and I'm a SAHM without any income. Legal aide will only give me advise. If I were to file for D. I would lose a good % of the money that I do get... right now at least...

Also... with the currant status of us being separated, Should I still expose to the OW's mother, brother, boss etc.? I didn't do that when I exposed to our families and some friends. I didn't have the knowledge of this site then.

And, Do I still do a plan A in a separation since I've never written him a letter and he didn't leave after I gave him my terms for a plan B? I believe I can still handle Plan A right now. He does come to the house to see the kids occasionally. He never takes them anywhere. He stays and watches TV with them and sometimes puts them to bed like he always used to do. We have though been vacationing for a month and he's only talked to the kids once. He's had no access to any of us. He told our DD's that he greatly misses them.

Thanks for the help.

offmyrocker,

so sorry you are having to live through all this pain, so sorry for the loss of your baby through out this mess......
your husband is acting totally selfish right now and you can't control any of that...you can control yourself and what you do to take care of yourself and your children.....
first of all I would ask your husband to sit down and work out a financial deal with you so the two of you can continue to take care of your family....this is his responsibility.....
I know it's tough but he doesn't seem so interested in taking care of anything but himself.....talk to your FIL about your finances and try to figure out a plan, maybe he can get your husband to agree that some of his $$ goes directly to you and the kids.....
I would if you want Plan A when you see him but dont' expect any real response because he is in the middle of an affair and has created a hate you attitude, you are the bad guy right now......I say let the affair play out, see if she is really willing to fill all his needs not just the fun ones.....
Let him feel guilt with the children and what he has created for everyone involved.......
let him feel what life is without his family....
let's see if she is enough for him.....my guess is it will wear thin in no time....
then I would start moving on with your life, get out with friends and family, exercise, maybe look for a job.......join a new club.........show him that you don't need him and that your life will be better, who knows you might actually start to look forward to your new life.
spend time with the kids having fun........be their friend, help them with their doubts.......
If people ask you about him and his new life, tell the truth and just tell people this is what he has chosen.......
when his affair falls apart and he comes back crawling to you, if you want to work things out then, you can decide then.....
until then work on being the best you, you can be......

Thank you for all your words. That's what I am trying to do... It is so difficult. I can't fathom everything that will come down the road. So much has happened in a short amount of time. But I'm trying to take it all one day at a time.

I guess then, I shouldn't expose to OW's family too? Is it past the point because he has moved out? The OW moved in with her parents after the suicide. My WH lives with his cousin but has been spending nights over with the OW...

First, welcome to MB. Can you afford to get a lawyer to get his wages garnished if WH or FIL won't make sure you get the money.

First thing you neede to do is calm down and breathe. Your title of the thread sais is it too late to save us? No it' isn't but time is short and you have a small window of opportunity.

I'm very sorry on the loss of your baby. I can't imagine how hard that and then all the rest must be for you. I really want you to know there is a lot you can do, but you need to protect you and the children.

I'm really impressed on your exposing to everyone, that's really good. I did the same thing and it helped isolate them. Please keep reading up on here.

Once you have established that you are protected, Plan B might be in order, but that's only AFTER you are protected and set up to do a VERY DARK Plan B.

Until then, read up on Plan A, become a master at it. You are be honest and open with WH about you are wanting to recover your M, don't agree to separations, don't agree to D, you discuss M and only M, that's what lawyers are for.

I can see that you have gotten you are not dealing with your H any longer, but a monster who has replaced your H. He will do and say anything to get what he wants, the fix of this relationship. Ignore his rants, he's just spewing. He in essence has been replaced by an alien. Mine was the same.

I had to laugh, mine said he didn't want to be married to his best friend anymore, he wanted something more. That something more turned out to be a crack addict with hepatitis c.

Your WH is just typical, saying all the same crap. You are in the best possible place to recover your M and you can do it. I did and so did many others.

Keep faith, trust G-d and know there are things you can do. Do you have a relationship with G-d.

Yes, you need to expose to EVERYONE. Her family included. It's not your fault he committed suicide, you haven't done anything wrong. Your just fighting for your M and your family.

Your M can withstand WH being angry, but not an A. You have to try and break it up. However, if you don't. DO NOT lose hope. I wasn't successful either and I am in recovery today.

OMR,
First I want to say I am sorry about the loss of your baby.
When I read your first post I had some thoughts about your FIL's motive. After reading your next post I think your FIL's motive for confronting your WH was more about business than family. You said the OW is a business contact. FIL may be there for you as a family member but I think his primary motive was to get his son to stop slacking off at work and stop screwing up his work connections.

YES! She needs to feel the consequences of having this affair as well. Contact her employer, family, friends, and even do a mass exposure on facebook if you can to all her friends.

I would also file for divorce to protect yourself financially. You can always call it off or remarry in the future, but you can't get back the money your WH has blown or debt he racked up.

OMR, welcome to MB. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I've never experienced that so I can only guess the magnitude of your pain from that.

As far as your WH, it is better if you execute a good Plan A BEFORE going to Plan B. Please read up on the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. While in Plan A, you strive to become the best wife that you can be. It's okay to let your WH know that his affair is hurting you but don't try to educate him or rant and rave at him. Have no expectations while in Plan A. Part of Plan A is complete exposure with the sole purpose of shining light on their affair to people with influence. Yes! Expose to OW's family.

Once you have done Plan A and you feel your Love Bank nearing zero, then you go to Plan B. Before that though, you need to get your finances in order, select an intermediary to act as a go-between and filter for any communications from and to WH. Start drafting your Plan B letter and post it on here, we'll help you with it.

Don't tell your WH that you're going to expose. Just do it. He will be angry but your response is I will do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. Would you like a cookie?

Keep snooping and gathering evidence in case you need it on down the road. Once in Plan B however, you will STOP all forms of contact with your your WH, includng snooping.

Don't tell your WH about this site. It will become your lifeline.

Are you ready?

Thank you all so very, very much. I was starting to jump on the hopeless train! I will plan an exposure on her side and some more of his friends and relatives. I'll have to draft a letter up. One of my hangups is not knowing when to quit. Maybe, I'll use that to my advantage now .

I don't have any money for a lawyer. They wanted a retainer from between 2,500 and 4,000... I guess I will try siphoning off the money in the account... That's going to take time... My parents can't loan it to me because they are in debt with the Chemo and radiation treatments. I can try to do it myself, but I didn't think that was very wise.

I am ready! I know that I have no other way out of this now because I'm not ready to give up my marriage.

Yes, I do agree that my FIL was trying to protect his buisness. He did do that right after I talked to him. He told me to put pressure on him, so I think he was trying to help somewhat on his end. His grandchildren mean the world to him. He and his wife are very religious. They do not condone any of this. My SMIL won't even talk to my WH unless she absolutely has to. She's very angry.

My poor DD16 found out her boyfriend cheated on her last night. After almost no contact with my WH for a month, she decided to call him up and pour her betrayed heart out. He's taking her out tonight. It's interesting the advice he's giving to her. What anyone would normally say about a cheater. "It's selfish" and "he wanted his cake and eat it to" actually came out of his mouth. I suppose he's going to rationalize that in his head also. Our DD does know about the A, but has never confronted him. He doesn't know that she knows. But, she's asking him all of the questions from her problem and is trying to make him think about the hurt and pain it's caused. Maybe some more guilt will creep in.

With any luck it will, but don't count on it. Also it's possible that the Real H shows up and then goes back to the alien. I became very good at telling which one I was dealing with.

Start protecting yourself anyway you can. If it means, syphoning the money then do it. You have a lots to learn. Can you order Surviving An Affair and have you read as much as you can on here.

I'm picking up the book this weekend. I've spent countless hours this week pouring over the website. I am so glad I found this. I was starting to lose my sanity. Finding out that all the things my WH said to me over the last few months were "textbook" made a huge difference...

Oh no kidding. It helped me tremendously. It also helped me to learn how to speak his babble language and not buy into his crap.

He was never coming home, he wanted something more, yada yada yada. We were separated for over two years and I was in a DARK Plan B for almost a year. My sitch looked as hopeless as anyone and it happened. But I listened to the vets on here and did things that were hard to do.

List PM said, read up on carrot and the stick, stay with Plan A and get your finances taken care of.