Armymama, Please I am sorry about that. It is not that I am unwilling. actually, I want to expose it, just afraid of the aftermath...

I have email exchanges between the two and credit card bills with him having diner with her while I was out of town.

I want to tell his two sisters, his BIL's, his best friend and his wife, and his boss.

Re: Exposure

What do you have to lose, really? You don't expose, he continues the path he's going on and your marriage doesn't stand a chance. None.

You expose, sure it may end the marriage, but not exposing would SURELY do that as well. At least with exposure you have a chance; your marriage has a chance. You can come out the other side, marriage intact. Only exposure provides that option.

There WILL be an aftermath. It will put you through the wringer. But this affair has already done that, hasn't it?

Really.... what do you have to lose? Without exposure your marriage is already lost.

Okay,

I wrote this letter a few months back when I wanted to expose the affair, please give me your thoughts:

Husband (by name) has been going through a major mid-life crisis. He has been distant and unhappy. His feelings on unhappiness, according to him center around me, his wife. He has not sought help for himself nor believes he needs to. I on then other hand have been getting support through a counselor who is helping me deal with one major issue from my past (for which he was not aware because I was so ashamed) - incest (by my step father and grandfather) and my frustrations with my job.

Husband has done nothing to support himself nor me doing this time other than:

1 - Engaged in an inappropriate relationship/affair with one of his subordinates. I have emails, credit card bills to support his affair.
2 - Spent evenings with this woman (including our anniversary) and an overnight stay while I was out of town on business. I came home early from trip on a Saturday evening to see husband being dropped off the next morning by the OW
3 - Ridiculed me for gaining weight
4 - Searched the internet for images of "internet porn" which pulls back pictures of girls in little, pretty much underwear or nothing at all.
5 - Deserted me on the Christmas Eve 2009, leaving without me knowing first
6 - Has lied to me consistently about where he has been and who with

Destiny,

Speaking as someone who has been there, I second the advice to expose. I didn't, I waffled and justified and feared the aftermath like you do. I ended up divorced. I am now very happily re-married but the point remains, exposure is your best weapon right now.

Your letter is way too detailed IMHO. What happened to you and your past is irrelevant to the A except as it pertains to your recovery. Trim it down and keep it to the facts.

There are sample letters here if you search. I will try to find them and post a link but don't have a lot of time since I'm working right now.

Best of Luck

I will answer this for wheels since I am his wife

The first EA I was in he did not expose, I ended that Affair after wheels discovered it, two mmonths later I found another EA.

This time wheels became smart and found this web site, they helped him to expose, after he exposed I blew up! two days later I was on the plane to Colorado where my sister lives. 6 hours after arriving to Colorado I wanted to come back home, and get my life back, I wanted wheels back, my family, ME BACK!

If you do not expose you will NEVER fix your marriage, so if you are choosing to not expose and not follow the MB principles then I say please, do yourself a favor and file for a D. Because I guarantee you that he will NEVER change. I am not trying to be harsh, I just want you to realize that exposure is your ONLY bet on saving your marriage, and if you are not willing to do it, then I saw good luck.

If you want to here my story....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2405040&page=1

When exposing you have to keep the email short and blunt, without trying to play victim, no rambling, or making any excusable loop hole for your WH. People won't read anything more than a couple sentences in real life.

Here is a simple example you can use or say over the phone.

Dear <exposure target>,
WH has been in an affair with OW since <date>, and I would appreciate your support in helping me reconcile my marriage during this troubled time in our lives. The best help you can give me is by keeping these two separated and help us with emotional support.
For more information, questions, or evidence please call me or email me.

Destiny

Make sure your evidence is somewhere your WH cannot access, and you can give it to those who request it.

Your exposure targets are:
Other Womans Husband
WH parents and siblings
If they work together it is important to tell their boss, supervisor, and HR
Influential friends of WH and OW
Your kids, who are old enough to understand that dating while married is wrong.
WH church leaders
OW friends on facebook (but this takes a lot of strategic planning by collecting each friends name and emailing them individually)
Whoever you think has influence over your WH or OW

You can call them personally or email or use facebook just make sure it is nuclear enough that it causes big problems in their affair.

Be prepared to execute plan A after exposure.

Now I know you are afraid of the aftermath, and I know some things he will say.

"You just ruined the marriage, I'm definitley goind to get a divorce now."
"Why did you have to tell everyone? This is just between you and me."
"blah blah blah....your fault." (I couln't think of any more, but you get the idea)

Yes, he will be angry, but you have to be prepared and have a plan. Just reply to any of his threat: "I will not tolerate a third person in my marriage, and I want to save my marriage."

If he gets physical, leave and go to a neighbors, friends, or family. This is not appropriate in any situation.

If you really are that afraid of him, then have a voice recorder on you turned on.

Your marriage can survive his temper tantrum, but it cannot survive an affair.

Wheels and Sapphire - THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I plan to expose the affair this weekend. I just need to be clear and succinct in what I want to say .

I must say that your history is inspiring and the most heartfelt I have ever read or heard of. You two are the best of what marriage builders can do for two people who love one another. I will let you know what happens, but Wheels, you are right, he will probably say that... "You just ruined any chance we had, I'm definitley going to get a divorce now. We are done"

The one thing is that his family loves me, but I do wonder if they would take his side. I know his best friend will take his side. Not sure about his boss and how he will respond, but he will blame me if the other woman loses her job as a result of the exposure. I can't worry about that. I want to reconcile my marriage to a better and more understanding relationship.

I hope your exposure is successful, wheels and I will be praying for you

Just remember to expose to EVERYONE do it nuclear, do not trickle the exposure.

GOOD LUCK!!

After the exposure wheels got all the support from his side of the family and MY family, my family was calling me and wheels and giving us advise etc. I didn't get the support on his family side...but come on!! I wasn't expecting it especially what I was doing to there son and brother. I love wheels family, and I am grateful that they were there for him when it was finally out.

Not sure of what to expect from his side. THey haven't even as much as called me. He is so he!! bent on divorce because he is unhappy. and he can't picture himself being happy with me.

Good luck on exposure!

He will be angry.

If OW loses her job, who cares.


His family might support him, who cares.

At this point, you will find out exactly who supports adulterers. That is always an interesting foray into the human psyche.


SB

No response yet. The H called over Skype and no mention of the exposure. It may not hit the fan until later or tomorrow. But emails were sent out to family, friends and work. wish me luck.

Everything hit the fan for me within an hour of exposure. The phone was going nuts emails flying everywhere. And I sat silently wile my wife beat me on the shoulder screaming obscenities at me. This is expected.

Keep us posted, let us help you with the next steps. Don't talk yourself into feeling that exposure was wrong, and that this forum won't help you. We will do our best here to help you with your marriage.

Okay - He is mad.. No one called me. He emailed me ---- very mad.. very. It is over. It is over, he is never coming back..

DU, You were warned about this reaction. The WS is OFTEN ANGERED by exposure. You ANT them to be mad. If he wasn't mad, then you would have a bigger problem.

Now regroup and work YOUR Plan. Don't worry about what he says. He is spewing garbage. Think about the girl in the exorcist. That is your WH. It's a good thing that he is doing this. Don't get discouraged and don't listen to what he says right now. Repeat the words, "I am willing to do what is best for our marriage, would you like some tea?"

"WHy would you do that to anyone?" he says. "She will lose her job!!! And I will too!!" I cannot believe that you would do that. I was trying to be accomodating by letting you stay in the house, but no more. I am contacting my lawyer."

What do I do? I feel like I am on the track to divorce. I know that I was warned. I just can't experience more of the venom.

You did the right thing, no matter what way this goes. Be proud of yourself! You have made a stand for your marriage at great cost to yourself. When the anger subsides, he might see that and be proud of you too.
Expose to anyone else you can think of right now. As another poster says, no vitriol, blame, or self-pity - facts and a firm stance that you are doing this to save your marriage.

I know I have posted very short messages over the last couple of days, but work has been enormously busy.

I am so discouraged by my H's reaction. No one from his family or his best friend has even called me after receiving the message. I assume that they contacted him to ask if it was true and that he probably told him that I was the irrational one and would not accept that our "marriage was over". While I understand that this was expected, how soon could my H realize that it was wrong to engage in an affair and bring a "thrid" party into our marriage?

He has not contacted me since Tuesday. I feel like I am being shuned (misspelled?). Before the exposure, we were at least connecting through email. He even wished me a "great day" on Monday. I feel so lost. Not sure what to do while I what....wait?

If the exposure was nuclear, I mean everyone you can think of, like FB, then you would be getting lots of feedback. Dig a little more, jab his affair into his side and twist.