Hi all,
I have a question that I'd like your opinion on. WW and I have been separated for nearly two years now. We have a court date this Friday on filing the PSA. What really has bothered me through this whole process is that WW strongly believes that because she didn't have a PA before we separated, it's not considered an affair or infidelity.

I am near certain that she is lying about it not being physical before our separation but my question is how do I get WW to realize that regardless, this is in fact an affair and infidelity? In the state I'm from there's even a law on post separation adultery. Problem is she doesn't see it that way no matter how many people have explained this to her to include her atty.

See, it seems that because of this mindset, she has done no wrong and even though at times she seems to want to reconcile she feels that because her affair started after separation that it shouldn't be an issue to discuss if we did reconcile. Obviously from my (BS) perspective this is not acceptable. How do I get her to see the light? She's still deep in fog I know but without some enlightenment on her part I see no way to recover. Any suggestions?

You can't get her to see the light. That would require her to come out of the fog first.

Thanks wheels. That's what I'm hoping for and at times she seems to understand she's in a fog and needs to get out of it. She actually has used those words several times. Plan B seems to have gotten her attention but at times NC is broken because of either child or legal issues. Right now it's mostly legal issues that have been keeping us in contact but she seems to always find a way to move conversation to more relationship and marriage issues.

Some people think they're not cheating if they just take their ring off. Those in the fog cannot recover. Sorry.

It is a typical WS answer. My WH said to me that since he had told me he wanted to separate he felt it was fine from then on to pursue OW.
Is your WW stil seeing OM? Why does she want to R and how does she think you would agree to it if she is not willing to do any work?
blessing

I think you have unrealistic expectations and I am not sure WHY you need her to admission to know the truth. This is not a problem at all because you don't need her admission and you don't need her to see the light.

Are you in Plan B?

She wants to continue to gaslight you! Of course she didn't have an A...that would make her a bad person!

My XWW still won't admit she had an A! Her OM#2 doesn't even know! I've tried to tell him but he didn't want to believe it. Well I look forward to him finding out the hard way!

Anyway.....who cares! You know...what Plan have you been following? You should be in Plan B or D

Thanks for the response folks

atena, yes WW is still seeing OM. As far as her wanting to reconcile/recover; it seems to come and go in spurts. She's still in heavy fog and on occassion hears the foghorn but still can't seem to get her bearings. She knows what needs to happen in order for us to make a go of it from pb letter and I believe she understands that but she doesn't seem able to keep focused on it. I believe a big part of it is the guilt she is beginning to feel but can't face it in addition to continued contact with OM. Regardless I don't let this make me stray from my course of action.

Mel, yes I'm in plan b but it hasn't been stellar (You have posted on my other thread and 2X4'd me for that, which I really do appreciate BTW)and is combined with plan d. The problem with my plan has to do with lack of an intermediary and some of the legal issues we are going through. I do know the truth and I guess the reason I would like her admission is that it would indicate to me the fog is lifting.I'm not quite sure what you mean by "you don't need her to see the light". If we have any chance of recovery wouldn't she need to see it? I'd like to be more specific here but I fear WW may be lurking based on some of the language she has been recently using. I would appreciate your opinion on my strategy but would need to do this by emailing if you'd like.

MFIL, I'm actually in a combined plan b/d. One of the things that really confuses and confounds me is that in the past when she was with OM#1 she actually felt like she was cheating on him when we would begin to get close. This was when I was in plan a. Go figure??? Waywards???Jeesh!

You're not in Plan B. Plan B is NO CONTACT for ANYTHING. There is such a thing as breaking Plan B but if she knows she can have contact with you for the "right" reasons, your Plan B means nothing. Why would there need to be contact for legal reasons? Do you not have attorneys?

Hi PM, you're right in a sense and I would like to clarify but as I said in my response to mel, I fear WW is lurking here. I know it may not make sense but actually part of this was based on advice from Jennifer. The other part was based on my own ineptness on the carrot and the stick methodology. I came to this board late and at the time was in kind of a plan a although I didn't really know what that was at the time. Problem was it wasn't long before i had to go to plan b so the two weren't really that well balanced because plan a was not all that well developed before I had to go to b. After speaking with Jennifer she gave me some ideas on how to go about performing a plan b but with an occasional diversion to plan a stuff. You'd have to know the details but I really would rather not post them here. At a point in the near future however plan b willbe in full effect. And yes we do have attys.

PM, congrats on your recovery BTW. I hope one day I will have that on my sig block.