This issue feels VERY complex to both of us. I'm sure it won't sound as complex to others that have been in our situation, but for us...it's overwhelming.

Here's the situation...
I have been having an affair. It has not lasted long (5-6 weeks) but it has been an emotional roller coaster. Feelings have been very intense on both sides. We have called it off (mutually agreed - no more) but my marriage is now suffering because of it. I have cheated on my wife before (over 5 years ago) but it was drunken mistakes that never (in my head) mattered like this current affair. That's what makes it hard for me (as selfish as that sounds) to want to work on my marriage...but I know I have to. My wife found out about it...I lied at 1st. Finally I admitted to it after learning
Make matters worse...this "other woman" and I work together, and will have to keep working together every day, 5 days a week.

Next bit of info...my wife also had an affair. I didn't know this, and was (am) very shocked still. It started off as an emotional thing, but ended up with kissing, groping...no sex. Hearing this information made it even harder to consider staying together...but I didn't want to use it as an excuse to pursue the "other woman". So...we are telling ourselves we will work on our marriage, and work on avoiding infidelity ever again using the various tools I've read about/learned about from Dr. Harley.

Problem is - both my wife and I have doubts. Neither of us are certain we should do this. We agree that the "other man" in this twisted tale is OUT of the picture. He can (and will) be avoided easily...not an issue. The "other woman" however...is a different story. She and I will be together professionally. We don't have to interact socially after work, and won't. But my wife doesn't think she will ever trust me again at work. I can't be transferred, can't quit, and my wife doesn't work, so this is our only source of income. We've talked about the reality of divorce very seriously and we've talked ourselves out of it every time (pretty much every day for over a week).

We are scared we are destined for failure because of my work situation...and that's not my wife's fault.

quit your job and relocate

Became involved with a coworker. We experienced deep feelings for each other and still do. We have mutually decided to end it as I am married (for now), and the stress of dating a coworker (even if it wasn't an affair) would be hard to deal with.

But...now that the affair is "over"...can we expect it to stay that way or are we destined to fall into this trap again? We have to work together every day.

You have come to the right place. Read everything here. Buy thw books. Seriously consider signing up for coaching with the Harleys. It will change your life.

Yes - obviously in a perfect world that is ideal. Wife and I agree.
In the world we live in here...not possible. We also both agree on that.

So given that is not an option - my fear is we are destined to fail at this. Actually...not just "my fear" its my wife's fear as well.

From your post on Marriage 101:



If you've read what Dr. Harley has to say about this, then you already know. Your marriage will NOT survive as long as you work with OW. There is NO job that cannot be quit - consequences or not.

This would have to be changed. As long as you see the OW at work your marriage will never recover. You would have to find another job.

Now, your marriage CAN recover if you do that.
I have my doubts too, [based on your unwillingness] but success or failure is all about choice. If you are not willing to take the neccessary steps to recover your marriage, then of course it won't happen.

That like saying you are doubtful you can lose weight on a diet after you have just refused to do the diet. Of course you will be doubtful because your failure to take the necessary steps ensures your failure.

Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know what you have done to him? Have your children been told?

Why is it not possible? Are you an endentured servant?

WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL!!!

IT IS ALWAYS AN OPTION TO RELOCATE. ALWAYS AN OPTION. IT MIGHT MEAN SACRIFICE. IT MIGHT MEAN A LOWER STANDARD OF LIVING. BUT YOU CAN RELOCATE AND QUIT THE JOB.

YOU JUST CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE THAT OPTION. AND, IN CHOOSING TO KEEP THE JOB WITH THE OW, YOU ARE ALSO CHOOSING TO RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE.

For God's sake, did you never hear the saying "never get your honey in the same place you get your money?"

The OW is not married.

My wife and I have not told our children what's going on.

I would set them down and tell them about the affair and what you are doing about it. This very much affects their lives too.

I have read what Dr. Harley says on the subject...extensively. I just have hopes that there are always exceptions.

Tell 'em you have been boinking the other woman.

Captain...

There have been others who have come on here and said the same thing - that they can't change jobs. How about a different branch of the same company? Key is you have to have no contact with this woman at all. You can't recover from this if you keep seeing and talking to her. Your wife won't heal, and you'll be too tempted.

Would you rather pay spousal support and live on a fraction of your income than invest in your marriage?

Divorce is quite expensive...and it lowers your standard of living...

How old are you? Have you considered moving to another state - a state you might have wanted to retire to, perhaps? Have you even explored the job market for your vocation?

You need to stay on one thread.

No, there aren't.

combined threads.

I'm in my early 30s. Kids are 1 and 4 yrs old. They won't understand an affair...too young.

I'm not the only hard-headed one in this situation though. My wife won't move either...no way. She'd rather get divorced than uproot our family from our hometown where all our extended family also lives. That would be asking her to divorce our families to stay with me. That also wouldn't happen.

I don't want to argue anymore. I guess all we can do is try harder.