Hi, I am new to the forum, have been reading alot, before I registered. BT's story prompted me to post..not sure why, but it did.

First, let me tell you why I am not sure that I should be here: Not sure if I want to save my marriage...just not sure. If that is a reason that I should not be here, just let me know, and I will gracefully go away. If I am welcome...read on.

My story...
4 yrs ago, my H had an A with a friend that I let into our house after her H died. long story short, they had an A, and I was stupid, stupid, stupid. I forgave that, because I love my H...and we went on with life. He still to this day does not acknowledge the A, but the OW told me all. I know, full disclosure..did not happen, but I also never knew about this methodology then, bu I do now.

Fast forward to now. Things were fine for 4 yrs, but then he found a "friend" and for a while, it was a social thing, only time they interacted was was in a group..then it got weird. He picked fights with me, and then did not come home, he started really being, what I call, verbally abusive, and very controlling (ei: OK, it is time for you to home, take care of the animals, but he stayed out with all friends-her included.) I started getting worried...yeah I know, it tood a bat to the head, and then looked at his phone bill....OK over 150 texts per month to her number. I asked him to stop, he said " we are just friends and she needs support", I said, " you are willing to put our marriage to that test for a friens, he said "yes" Lots of other things, but this is getting long. So I bought a VAR today, plan on putting in his truck today..just need o know I am not crazy.

If he is going to do this again, I dont think I want to save the marriage, but I am not sure..I am so confused and sad. I have lost 20 lbs, cant sleep

he says he loves me, and would be lost with out me, but his behavior is not normal, in my eyes.

Thoughts...2X4s, anything?

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. I made my first post today here, too.

Like someone said to me, hang in there, those with more experience will be along soon.

Well my initial thought are that he had an A which was just swept under the rug. He suffered no consequence. Does he think he can have another one? Of course.

You need to expose this IMMEDIATELY! We need more info do you have kids?

no kids (tried cant have them..) , married 15 yrs,
He did have consequence, told my fam, his fam, our friends...but i stayed with him

Fair enough you exposed but he did not and still doesn't even acknowledge it happened. Recovery can't work like that.

You don't have to decide what you want to save the marriage right now. Don't make any decisions while you're in shock.

Expose this now and read up on Plan A.

Sorry you are here and welcome.

You don't have to make any decisions about this today. If you want to get more proof so you can figure out what you want to do, that would be great.

I would still advise you to start a Plan A and then move to a Plan B in 3-4 weeks. Then in about 6 months time, you can decide if you want to D or not. The clarity that you gain in Plan B would benefit you and you would be able to say that you did everything you could and you would never have to live with any regret that you may have done something different. You would be able to truly move on.

So, no, you are not being crazy. You have legit reasons to suspect something. You need to snoop and gather you evidence and then expose this affair and blow it out of the water.

Start reading this thread if you haven't already done so,
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Nestle,

Sorry you are here...

We've all heard the "just friends" crap too.

Bottom line....I would say your WH is at least having an EA whether he admits it or not. It's totally unacceptable behavior for a MM. Especially, someone who has already committed adultery once. Get the proof you need and go nuclear exposure. The vets will be along shortly to help you out with the specifics. In the meantime, hang in there and keep the faith....

Want2Stay

Do you have children?
How long have you been married?
How old are you?
Why did you get married in the first place?
Are you willing to expose the affair to everyone, family, friends, work?
Are you both willing to work on your marriage?

Hello Nestle,

I'm so sorry that you need to be here.
I think it's too early to decide if you want to stay in this marriage or not. It's enough for the moment that you don't want to pull out straightaway. Whether or not you stay will depend on how your WH steps up to the mark when you apply MB principles. Apply the principles and the decision will become clear over time.
Take it one day at a time, surround yourself with support and love and keep breathing.
Tully

hi there, and welcome to the site, a lot of us here that want to save or stay in our marriages are torn with the decision to stay or go as well.
from your story I would say that your husband is probably up to no good again. I don't understand why he didn't admit the first affair if the OW did, why is that?
in my book when you are married you don't have any relationships with a friend that your spouse doesn't know about.....if you have to hide it, it's for a reason......
I would snoop, get all the evidence you can, this is for you as well so you don't think you are crazy or paranoid......if your evidence proves that he is up to no good, at this point you ask him to put No Contact into place with the OW and then expose him again to his family, your family, friends, co-workers and tell him if he is willing to work on your marriage and make the changes you need then you would be willing otherwise he should move on with his life.
If you decide to end things just because this will be twice deceived then go talk to a lawyer and get the best deal you can for yourself, get your support system in place for you.....I would ask him to leave until you settle things so you don't have to live with the day to day torture you must feel now.....
so sorry he has chosen this path.......good luck

morning,

BC, no children, have been married 15 yrs in September, i am 41 he is 39. Absolutly willing to expose, have already talked to his family, my family and friends (this was before I knew about the MB plan, so was not in line with the exact principles). Honestly, I go back and forth about working on the marriage, some days yes and others I am so mad its no. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong, is not willing to even talk about things.

I have put in a VAC this am, so we will see what the reveals. I am going back to the beginning, and with proof will expose again the right way. I am reading up on plan A, and will also start to put that in action. I did try to tell him that his contact (texts) with OW made me uncomfortable, and I wanted to work on our relationship, and to not contact her. His response " She is just a friend, and you cant tell me who I can and can not talk to"

he does not use a computor, so no snooping there, and he does not let his phone out of his sight EVER.

just bumping up...

Have you read the thread I linked for you? Do you have any questions about anything that you have read there? As I said in my post to you before, get your proof, expose, go into Plan A for a few weeks and then go to Plan B. With no children together, it may be harder but it is not impossible to recover.

These texts are a problem for you. THAT should be reason enough for your WH to STOP them. Since he won't then you most likely have a full blown affair on your hands. He is acting like an addict. Think about what it would be like to tell a crack addict that you were going to take his crack away. What would he do to try to get some?