You don't HAVE to work together every day. You can find another job, or another area.

And if you are that close to extended family, then you both need to sit all of them down and tell them exactly what is going on and ask for their support. Honestly, if moving is what it would take for your marriage recover, and family would rather your marriage fail and you not move....that is sad.

I can tell you right now that "try harder" isn't going to work. Since this is not your first affair (drunk is still cheating), the temptation to cross that line again with this OW you "cared about" will be even worse. And since your wife has cheated too...you just really need to cut all ties of any kind.

I'll tell you, my A was with a coworker, and even though he was already planning to leave the job and was gone by D-Day...our town is small and there is a lot of "social overlap." We contemplated moving....and we should have. OM finally did move a year later, but it was still hard wondering about whether he would be in Wal Mart or a restaurant, etc.

Think about this:

Approx 50% of first marriages divorce
76% of second marriages divorce
86% of third marriages divorce
97% of fourth marriages divorce

On affairs: 75% of affairs fall apart within two years. Of those that do make it beyond that and even to marriage, 75% of those fall apart. That leaves only 3% that ever make it beyond 5 years. The big problem is that 100% of people in affairs believe that they are in the 3%. Don't be so dumb.

Maybe you and your wife can have a friendly D, but most turn ugly before it's over. So here you will be, tearing up a family, supporting two households, and if you are dumb enough to marry your A partner you will go into that M with major baggage. And guess what? Two to three years down the road it will be your typical marriage. Like the one you are trying to escape now. there will be dirty laundry, financial issues, toilets to scrub, bad breath, bad hair days, and YES, not tonight dear I have a headache days. The brain chemicals that produce that giddy, "I'm so in love" state don't last forever. Don't be so dumb.

SO you have feeling for the A partner? She isn't special. You had feelings for your wife at one time and lost those, right? Well, Dr. Harley says we can fall in love with anyone who meets our needs so why don't you and your wife meet each others needs like you once did and make this M work? Fall lin love with her again.

It will be cheaper in the long run and will save a whole lot of heatache and grief for your family.

I appreciate everyone's opinions and replies...even if they are hard to read. Nothing about this will ever be easy to re-live or easy to talk about ever.

The "BW" (as y'all put it)...decided she wanted to go to the man's house (used to be a friend of mine) yesterday for a birthday party (pool party). BTW...this is the same person who she had her affair with a couple weeks ago that we agreed neither of us would see ever again. 24 hrs later...she thinks it's a good idea to go to a pool party at his house. Hmm...that sounds like "progress"!!

It's lovely how she is the BW and I'm the cheating husband...no matter what happens.

I think that she and I both know what we need to do. If we don't do it now we run the risk of really (REALLY) having a bad situation (worse situation) on our hands in the not-so-distant future. We don't want that.

**one more note: Yes my employer is semi-aware of the situation. My boss (a woman BTW) and I have talked at length about this the last couple weeks, but it was from the perspective of ending it and working on my marriage.

Sorry, I missed that part. Okay, so I'd still like to hear what your BW/WW thinks about all of this.

You know what? I don't even understand why you're here.

Good luck to you.

She is a WW and you are a WH.

This is even more reason to move. Can't go to a pool party at OM's house if he's 100 miles away, now can you.

But you and the lil'missus seem to have decided you have no interest in doing what it takes to recover from your gross infidelities. You've done the math - you know you wont do what it takes to recover, so why not march down to the courthouse today and file for divorce.

The path to recovery is straight and narrow. It DEMANDS that you never see your affair partners again. EVER. FOR LIFE. There is no way around that.

You are left with 2 options:
1. Remain married and adulterers both - giving your children a wonderful example of how to ruin all their future relationships.
2. Divorce and show your children how to NOT fight for marriage, because it's just too hard and not important enough.

Because you've already eliminated Option 3:
Recover your marriage and build a passionate, romantic love to show your children how great marriage can be.

We called your BW a BW because we thought her affair was over and done. I guess it isn't. You are both wayward. And why shouldn't she go to the pool party? You still see your affair partner every day. She should get to see hers too, right? I'm being facecious, but those are the justifications going on in your WW's mind. She is of a very wayward mind now as well, and she uses your (continued) affair to justify it. Remember, as long as you are in contact with your affair partner, your affair is ongoing. It doesn't matter that you stopped having sex, the feelings are there, they won't go away as long as you are in contact, and those feelings will destroy your own marriage. Do you know what I see happening. I see that if you don't quit your job and really commit to NC, then your WW (there, I used WW) will be banging her OM. Your whole marriage will unravel and you will be on the path to divorce within 6 months to a year. Now if you found another job and committed to NC and your WW did as well, you could be on the path to recovery. It's your choice, your priorities. What is your priority, your job and OW, or your wife and kids? I PROMISE you, your marriage will NEVER recover as long as you work with your OW. NEVER. 100% guarantee. And I'd also put money on her banging her OM too if you don't quit. Is that what you want?

POOL PARTY!!!!!

I suggest you two just agree you are both cheaters. Then, develop an "open marriage" type agreement where you both mess around as much as you want to.

I feel sorry for your children, but it sounds like an OPEN MARRIAGE is basically what you two are doing now so why not make it HONEST and OFFICIAL.

Tell friends, family, and co-workers you have decided to conduct yourselves in an OPEN MARRIAGE framework.

Then, GO FOR IT. Forget all about your precious children and any semblance of a really good and strong marriage.