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Joined: Apr 2010
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I wrote this yesterday:


So I'm in my final days here, will start heading back on Thursday. I've been super busy trying to hand over all my job responsibilities and take care of everything I wanted to get done before I left. I really hurt my right foot somehow about 2 weeks ago. It's been hurting more and more every day, so I went to the TMC and the doctor said my running shoes were worn out and it was causing me to sprain things in my foot and lower leg. Weird that that would happen all of a sudden. I've stopped running for now, since it hurts just walking around.

Did you buy a bunch of ringtones on your phone? There's like $50 worth of ringtone purchases on this months bill. And then another $50 worth of new monthly subscriptions that will be recurring charges: mobile messenger, ringtones and downloads, downloads\alerts, and tonemaker. And another $40 worth of international calls. I keep getting caught off guard by these expensive phone bills.

Anyway I have a night mission so I'm going to grab dinner and get ready. Hope you're doing well.

Love always
GG


She replied:

Ummm, I let tom use that phone, which I told u about, and I guess he rang up all those charges. I have already sent him home. It was way too much crap he was putting me through, and not even trying to get a job or do anything but sit on the computer. I guess I need ur advice about what to do. I think we should try to get att to drop the charges. I think they did it before when I accidentally signed up for something stupid. I don't know if I should tell them what actually happened or if I should say I lost it. I def think u should turn off that line when u get back.already had my mom take the phone from him
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T


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I don't know if it's just me looking for problems, but her email left me exasperated. Lying to the phone company to avoid paying the bill? It's like she thinks it's ok to lie to avoid consequences, all the time. Like that's just who she is now. I know it's a small thing, but it really bothers me. I don't even know what to write back.

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Hey Gurka!

Wow, the lates e-mail from her sounds almost "normal".... meaning that it appears that she is engaging you in a discussion about 'mutual' issues/problems like a husband a wife.

Remember, you are ultra sensitive toward lying and cheating, and I would never recommend that you compromise your values or morals, but be careful about "preaching" to her about right & wrong...

I would send her a reply and reinforce HER good decisions regarding her brother... try to let her know that you respect her ability to decide what to do regrding the phone and that you support her.

I think that this is a great opportunity for you to really turn up your Plan-A!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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GG:

How about this:

WW:

Its OK, I will just pay those charges for your brother. Its easier than arguing with AT&T, and he did charge those things. Lessons learned about your brother. I wanted to compliment you again on at least trying to give your brother a change of scenery to see if he could figure things out.

Hows the Dog?

GG

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I replied:
I don't think they're going to drop the charges, since it was a pretty long list of stuff he bought and subscribed too. You can call and try to get them to drop the charges though. I'm not going to say it was lost though. At worst, the lesson of Tom and the cell phone cost us a hundred bucks to learn. Since you don't have the phone anymore we should turn off the line. See if you can get them to do that over the phone, since it's not something I can do online. Even without all the recent extra charges it's the most expensive line on the family plan. It looks like it's still being heavily used though, 1200 text messages in the past 5 days... I'm not even sure how that's possible.

---------------------------------------------

She replied:
I will try to talk to the phone company, but only u can turn the line off, I have already tried that. Like I said, my mom should have already taken the phone from him , so there should not be anymore charges till u are able to do that.

---------------------------------------------
I replied:
Well he signed up for a bunch of monthly subscriptions totally $50 a month that have to be turned off from the phone. There's no way to turn them off without having physical access to the phone. If you try to cancel them online it sends a code to the phone that you have to entire online to cancel the subscription.

-----------------------------------------------

She replied:
Yeah, well my mom has the phone so can do it if necessary. I have cancelled that stuff by calling in before though

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I replied:
Well I would appreciate if you could try to handle it. If they won't do anything I'll call them when I get back. Sorry things didn't work out with Tom, hopefully it gave your family a little bit of breathing room for a while though.

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Good Morning Gerka!

You know I thought the same thing as RIF, that reply email sounded pretty 'normal' from WW.
I agree too, bump up your Plan A.


Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I don't know if it's just me looking for problems, but her email left me exasperated. Lying to the phone company to avoid paying the bill? It's like she thinks it's ok to lie to avoid consequences, all the time. Like that's just who she is now. I know it's a small thing, but it really bothers me. I don't even know what to write back.

This is spoken like a true BS. This is part of what makes R so hard.
It's these shots of dishonesty that make us twinge. While they may have been there before and seemingly minor, now that we have been betrayed,
these bouts shout to us that our WS has not changed.

Expect more of these feelings.
It takes time for a WS to come back to the person that you once knew.

It also takes time to R a M after adultery. There are so many phases and emotional setbacks.
Baby steps and a lot of hard work.

BUT, it is possible. smile



oh, and the milk diet ........ rotflmao

It didn't even occur to me that you were trying to GAIN weight! faint

I only wish. sigh

You head home real soon now I think ....... safe trip home!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Got this from her tonight:

Ok, I called the phone company and they agreed to cancel the charges in the future. Then she accidentally gave you a credit on next months bill for all the charges from this month, 103 bucks or something. There is a 109 dollar early cancellation fee to turn off that line, but that is way less than you are paying now. It is still showing as a smart phone, so I need to try to get the phone code from my mom so that I can at least change it back to just 10 per month. Up to you whether you want to cancel it or not, I have my own phone.

What are your plans for when you get back? At some point you had said you would bring me my stuff, is that still something that you will do, or do I need to make other plans to get my things?

You can call me at this number XXX-XXX-XXXX when you get back in country


------------------------------------------------------

I don't know what to write back. I don't want to call her, I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to try and work through all of this. I feel like I SHOULD, but I don't feel like I want to. I guess we'll see how I feel when I get home, but the idea of taking her her things, across the country makes me want to say "Are you nuts?!" Like I've been saying for a while, I feel like my LB is empty and I'm running on a sense of obligation more than anything.

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Gerk,

I understand how you feel. If you have any inclination left whatsoever about saving your marriage, I would take her stuff back to her as soon as you got home, spend some quality time with her in AZ if you can, finish plan A out strong, and then hand her a plan B letter as you leave. At that point you have left the ball in her court, you don't risk any more damage to your love bank, you don't have to deal with her anymore, and you only take her back on your conditions. You can say to yourself you did everything right to try and save this marriage, and you won't have any regrets.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Hi GG-

About the cell phone charges-is her brother under 18? If he is, then she (or you) can call the provider and explain that these charges were made by a minor who is not legally able to sign a contract. It might work.

Hope this helps-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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The idea of wasting my leave to take her her things across the country, at my expense, after how she's treated me kinda makes my blood boil.

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Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
The idea of wasting my leave to take her her things across the country, at my expense, after how she's treated me kinda makes my blood boil.


Well then, write your plan B letter.

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You deserve better.

Gerk, I know that my opinions have been contentious on your thread. But they come from someone who honestly wants nothing but the best for you and I very much believe you deserve infinitely better than what youre getting.

This woman will suck your soul dry and suck the joy of life out of you.

Dont waste your leave on hauling her stuff around. She can come get it and you can move on with your life.

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I was thinking more of putting all her stuff in a storage unit in her name, and she can come and get it whenever she wants, and I don't have to see her.

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Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I was thinking more of putting all her stuff in a storage unit in her name, and she can come and get it whenever she wants, and I don't have to see her.


If that's the way you feel, then just divorce her.

You need to make a decision - continue with plan A/B or move to plan D. You can't half-@ss it and waver in the middle between plans. That will only guarantee you a failing marriage as well drawing it out longer and more painfully. If you aren't ready to go to plan D, then at least keep up a good plan A/B. If she makes your blood boil and can't stand her, make sure you move to plan B.

You need to figure out what you want to do when you get home, and commit to it. You need to develop a strategy and plan and focus your energy on sticking to that plan and not what her reactions to that plan are.

Personally, I think you should divorce this woman, tell her you are going to put her stuff in storage for 1 month before you toss it out and she can get it on her own time, and then change your phone number and block her email, never to speak to her again. Let your lawyer do the communicating. Completely put her out of your life, forget her, and move on.

Now if you aren't ready to take those steps, then I would work on a good plan A gesture when you got home. Take her all of her stuff, try and plan a little time to hang out with each other, really show off your plan A chops that you learned here (as well as your buffed-up physique), and then when it's over, hand her the plan B letter stating your conditions for reconciliation, change your phone number, block her email, and have a family member or friend be your intermediary.

Those should be your two choices. Which one do you want to choose? Make up your mind and commit to it. Not committing to any plan will just guarantee a longer, more painful, more drawn out divorce, and I'm sure you don't want that.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Gerk,

I understand how valuable it is to have a home to think about when youre deployed. Its something that under normal circumstances a person draws comfort in when away and in a terribly stressful place. I use to fall asleep by pretending I was at home with my wife and she was sleeping behind me.

I understand the psychology at play.

But I also think that military life puts some artificial circumstances into relationships which often keeps bad ones alive or prematurely ends good ones.

I originally dumped my would be WW when we were dating, but I was then re-assigned and got lonely. Had a I stayed where I was I would have simply continued what was a very healthy and normal life as a single man. Instead I reconnected with someone I had originally decided was wrong for me and we ended up getting married. Why? Because I was going to get assigned elsewhere again and we had to make a decision of either ending things or having her come as my wife.

She was completely wrong for me. But circumstances dealing with my career kept a bad relationship alive. My own choice, I know, but the dynamics at play nudged me in the wrong direction.

Hindsight is 20/20, but youre still very young with LOTS of good years ahead of you to meet someone worthy of you.

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Quote:
...Make up your mind and commit to it. Not committing to any plan will just guarantee a longer, more painful, more drawn out divorce, and I'm sure you don't want that.


Hey Gurka,

Ditto what Jim said...

Only you can decide what you want... I've given you some suggestions to think about, but in the end, if you are done with Plan-A and want to move on, then by all means, you are more than free to do so.

Nobody here will say that you didn't try, or that you "should have" stuck with it...

Semper Fi

RIF

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I replied:
I don't know what I'm going to do when I get back. I don't plan on taking weeks off like everyone else, so I'll probably be back at work. I'm going to need some time to sort out all my domestic stuff. I think I'd like to fly out to AZ to see you for our anniversary, but that's pretty soon after I get back, and that would have to be something you want as well. I'm moving tonight, and should be flying on the 26th (to Manas,) so hopefully I'll be back in the states by the 1st of August.

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Ugh, military travel sucks. Sitting around doing nothing for days. Didn't hear back from her yet.

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Gerka,

Her last posts have not seem to have been that negative towards you at all. I personally think the less you chase her the more attractive you become to her. I would not be surprised that about the time you decide to move on with your life, is the time she will decide that she wants to give reconciliation a try. JMHO

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Yeah, I'm away from everyone I know now, so it's pretty lonely. Plus I'm really bored. Sigh. I'll wait for her to write me back.

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Well, I guess I spoke a couple minutes too soon. And so much for her not being negative, ouchthat hurt:

Well, you should obviously know by now that I have no desire to see you for our anniversary, and if you don't know that by now then you are really just being obnoxiously dense. You were the one that promised, when I was telling you how much I needed my clothes and stuff, that you would bring it all to me when you got back. There is nothing to sort. All my stuff is pretty much still in boxes. That's pretty much a cop out. I guess I'm going to have to try to arrange coming down over labor day and getting it all done, or something like that.
Obviously we need to work out this divorce when you get back, but that doesn't mean I really have to see you. It seems that you are going to try everything to make my life harder, so I guess I will just have to figure it out. I already got my orders, and I will be heading about as far away as I can get as soon as I graduate from here--just so you know where I stand.

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