Well, no call about DS7, so that's got to be a good sign. I'm getting things ready so that I can go to friend's house tonight.

Have fun! you are a remarkable woman. You are quality.
YOur WH is trash and so is the waste he is dating.
blessing

Well, I've been having some pretty successful days...almost feeling like I could do anything. Even times where I forget about WH. I've done alot with the kids this week and I've really enjoyed myself.

Yesterday, I got burnt to a crisp and it's made my day miserable. Also, WH called DD14 today and just made small talk and told her he got her a bed for her room at the duplex. He hung up and then called her back..."DD14 I forgot to tell you something...You know that text message you sent to OW? Well, you should have sent it to me because I was wrong for talking to her while you all were around and not thinking how it would effect you guys. I'm sorry and I won't ever speak to her again."

What does everyone make of that? I don't know what to say to her about these things. They all just want this to go away I'm sure...they want to just love their father.

Of course, I have my own opinion about it and that is he just wants to not have her mad at him....who knows if it is the truth. They are still going to be working side by side.

In addition, my IM told me that WH won't be picking up children until saturday at 4:00 and he'll bring them back on Monday at the same time. He told IM that he's moving on Friday and won't be able to get them until Saturday. This is all bull...he's had all week to move and he doesn't have that much to move. You would think he would make sure to get everything done so he could be with his children.

Then, to top off my day, WH called while I was taking a nap and started griping at the boys for not knowing where DS7 was at. He said, "that's great, your mother is taking a nap and no one knows where DS7 is at." I was fully aware of DS7 who was playing with a friend in backyard. I never even went to sleep; it was mostly resting in my room. I have a feeling that now that he's back here in the city, I'm going to be getting alot of this.

It's hard to get my kids to not tell me things...I don't ask, but they definitely want to tell. I had planned on getting some school shopping done this weekend, but now that's a mess since he's taking my whole weekend....he never lets me know till the last second.

Ok, rant over and I feel a little better. Sorry for the pity party.

I wonder if he is really breaking up with OW? Wouldn't that be interesting. Plan B would really be good for you, and if the affair is off, then it would ramp your value up quite nicely.

Do not respond to his "where's ds7" garbage. That's meant to rile you, and it's working. Don't bite back....


Stay dark....think outer space dark.....black hole dark.



Do not let him suck you into his lonely misery. That's why he calls - to raise the drama level. Light a candle instead, and breathe in the scent of something beautiful every time he calls.

Just be careful and don't start a fire!

SB

Hi hopeE-

Some advice from a former lifeguard/swim instructor: aspirin works great for sunburn and heat rash. It helps reduce the swelling of the capillaries under the skin that get inflamed with the heat. Oh yes, and if you are sitting in a lifeguard chair for several hours, sunscreen the tops of your feet. When they get burned, they swell. BTDT

Hope this helps-

HopeE, you are doing well. Just keep your focus on YOU and YOUR healing while Plan Aing those kiddos. I always say that you never know what kids are going to remember, so you need to do lots of fun stuff. Just make sure it is about quality time and traditions. We have a movie night once a week, one kiddos picks a movie, we pop popcorn and curl up on the couch together. If we miss it, due to other activities, we reschedule. The kiddos remind me of it. We also have a family games night. I started both of these during my Plan A of WH and they continue today.

I am reminded about a story a lady told me at work. She has 3 sons, all grown now. She said that she remembers a time when BMX bikes first came out and all 3 of her boys wanted them, at $400 EACH. She and her husband worked extra hours, cut corners in their budget and purchased all 3 bikes for Easter. they did many other things of less monetary value. They went for picnics, fishing and hiking. Her kids don't remember those bikes, BUT they always reminisce about those quality times.

I for one know I am going to create as many quality memories as I can.

Thanks for all the uplifting words.

Johnstwin....i'm not a lifeguard, but we were out in a friend's pool all day and I can't believe I let myself get this bad. I can't remember the last time I got this burned. I'm always preaching about skin cancer in our family (all Irish with red heads and fair skin)and then I go and do the unthinkable. The sad thing is that I have lost so much hair that even my scalp burned....I'm miserable.

SB,

I'm not sure what he is up to, but he's not coming back to me and seems so set on getting this place. I worry that he won't ever come back even with the affair broken(if it is). I still plan on getting this weight off and being my ideal weight by Christmas. I'm getting my thyroid checked, but all my bloodwork always come back normal. I have all the symptoms though. Melodylane told me to check my temp in the mornings to see if it's low...the first morning it was 96.5, then 96.8 and this morning it was 97.0...seems low to me, but I'm going to keep a record for a week.

Thanks Scotland for the ideas. We've been roller skating on Fridays although I'm worn out after 4 hours. I would like to do a movie night and game night. I think they would like that. It's just hard for me to keep everyone seated. DD14 always wants to hibernate in her room.

They're all going to father's house this weekend, so I'm getting ready for the talk. I'm sure they will all rave about the new place.

Give your younger boys lots of marbles to play with.

Balls, and toy soldiers with small parts.

HopeE,

My thoughts on whether or not he ever comes back? You would have to recover from this blow either way. Your changes are for you - and nobody else. The changes are good for you, and you will carry them with you into your future, regardless of whether or not your WH will gain any benefit from them. You will gain frmo them, your children also will. The most important thing to understand is that the changes you are making are your choice, they are about you, and for you.

Recovering from an affair can mean many things. It involves the WS, the BS, and the couple. Sometimes the couple does not return as a married couple, but end up divorcing. That doesn't mean that the BS or the WS on the day of the divorce, or the day of the decision to divorce, are somehow "healed" and things go on from there la-la-la. It doesn't work that way. The pain of infidelity lingers for the BS, and the WS has a different path towards the future (depending on the situation and status of the affair).

Plan B works for the BS, because it creates a distance between the BS and the WS, and some downtime for the BS. Consider this a pause in the daily drama, and a time to go back to your own space and lick your wounds. You are in a time where you are assessing the damage to your inner self, deciding what you need to address in yourself, what happened to the marriage, what was "real" and what wasn't - and you are sorting out the lies from the truth. This time in Plan B allows you to have peace with your thoughts, to understand your own position as a separate person from your spouse.

Too often in a marriage, we define ourselves as so much a part of our spouse that we somehow lose sight of who we are - indepedent of that other person. In Plan B, the BS is able to take stock and redefine the self, as an independent entity again. And this is important time - because during the time after d-day, the BS may define the self so much as someone who was cheated on, as a victim of an affair, and that closes in on the BS and makes recovering so hard.

When the WS remains in the marriage, the BS still goes through this time. It is still difficult to redefine the self - it wasn't easy for me, because I also had this affair defining who I was for a time. I had to fight that sense, and also to fight the sense that the definition of who I was was somehow closely entangled in with who my H was.

It doesn't make a lot of difference, I don't think, if the WS is at home or not - except that if the WS is at home it allows the BS to talk to the WS about the issues, bounce ideas around....and for me I was able to ask questions and just talk at my H. Sometimes I was able to yell and vent and he would just listen and hold me. That part would be very different, I suppose. Your H isn't home, so you are lacking that. (You can yell and vent here, we give virtual hugs.) At the same time, when the WS is at home, it opens up a whole different set of issues for the BS, like constantly having to look at the person who delivered the pain on you, among other things. The result is that the recovery for the BS goes on, through similar paths, whether the WS stays or leaves.

In your situation, your WH may not come back. You do have to plan for that possibility. I think the changes you are making, and the work you are doing, are strengthening you for that possibility. Plan B helps you recover your SELF, and in your case, you are a strong woman who seems to understand the situation very clearly. You have taken charge, and you are doing the things you need to do in order to handle all contingencies.

You can't control what he does. In Plan B, you control yourself, you handle what you can, and you make your life focused on recovering your heart - for yourself and your kids.

Your WH has his own path to walk, and you can't rescue him, help him, support him, or know him anymore. He doesn't know himself. His own set of "ifs" are his to face.

I admire you and how you have handled this very difficult situation. You have grace, dignity, and strength.

When you think about your kids going to his house, and whether or not they like it over there? You do want them to like it over there. If they must visit, then you want them to be happy and comfortable. It would be harder on you and them if they hated to go, were uncomfortable, and complained about it. Despite the problems you and WH have with one another, he remains their Dad, and you can hope he somehow pulls his head out of his butt and treats them well when they are there, and that they enjoy their time with him.

SB

Thanks SB,

I know all these things are the truth and I guess somewhere deep in my darkest thoughts....I want him to suffer, like I have suffered. I guess I want them to hate being with him and love being with me. i don't want to feel that way, but I'm just being honest. I want to recover from this mess, but it feels so far away sometimes.

I feel strongly that he won't come back, but I still pray for God's will and his perfect plan. I will say that my bank is emptying pretty fast...just in the most recent issues. Things still hurt though....but I can see each day getting better and better.

Well I messed up again!!! WH came to get children and sent DS11 in with the telephone bill....well his new address was on there. Guess what?? He moved 0.68...about 4 blocks from OW. It would be a nice 6-10 minute walk from her place. It's also in a very expensive area...near a prominent college in our area.

I don't know why I'm so surprised. I told DD14 that I was nervous about this weekend and she said, "why?" I told her I was worried he would move near her. My DD14 said..."mom he wouldn't be that stupid." Well, I ask you?

Of course I lost it and called him on the phone (apply 2 x 4s here) and told him "how dare he take my children near that ho....he then told me I was crazy and obsessed and I need to move on...then he hung up on me. I'm sick, but angry as well. He's also sold that camper and has yet to give me my half. I'll be contacting my lawyer on Monday. I think it's hilarious that I put in the temporary order that they cannot be around OW and then he just gets his new place right there by her....how convenient...but mind you..he's not in contact with her.

He also wouldn't take his things I had boxed up and waiting for him....so I'm thinking of going over there in the middle of the night and putting it all on his front porch or maybe in the yard....what ya think? He said he doesn't have room for all that. I'm open for any ideas on what to do with his crap?

I wish I could move on...I'm sure I'm giving him great pleasure by showing my disdain.

I wish I could do better.

Resist the urge to put his stuff on the lawn or porch. That is not the legal or right way to go about it, but you already know that. You are angry, and have every right to be.

Put his junk in the garage, where you do not have to look at it. Ask your attorney what the next legal step would be. He might have to rent himself a storage unit - but it should go through the atty so you are legal. Do not ask your WH what he wants to do with it, just be legal.

The atty will also address the 1/2 of the camper money.

He is not done with his affair, and he confirmed it by where he moved. He lied to your DD, and although you will want to jump in the middle of that lie, don't.

Let him bear the consequences of the lie from his own world. Your DD will see what he does, and then he will suffer by her reaction to it. His own lies will bring about his own consequences. It is what he is bringing down on himself. YOU cannot control his self-destruction nor can you prevent the natural fallout.

What you can do?

Tell DD what you expect to happen - that you believe he has lied about not talking to OW, and that she might want to prepare herself. Tell her that you could be wrong, but the fact that he lives so close to her "might" indicate that they are still seeing one another, and that you want to keep her heart safe. And that you love her, and that you are sorry he is such a lost soul right now.

Show her that you see his waywardness as brokenness before God, so that she can also see it. Because, in the end, this is what it is.

Your anger is justified. Do not allow it to become a way of life.

SB

Hun, don't just wish you could do better, DO BETTER. You KNOW that this isn't working for you. I KNOW this is HARD. I KNOW it hurts. It is harder every time something happens because it is like he is going further away from you. Just when you think that it may be turning around, you get punched in the gut. Just when you have some hope that your WH MAY be coming home, you find out that he is taking another step CLOSER to OW. It's part of this process. You need to walk through it. You need to get through the emotions and think about YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

So, have yo thought about movie night? What night of the week would you do? You should pick one that would remain the same throughout the whole year, even when the kiddos are in school. What about a family game night? What games do you have that you kiddos would like to play? Do you have any games that you would like to get and show your kids how to play? Something that you played when you were a kid? As far as if your DD14 wouldn't join in, just do it anyways. Let her know that you would LOVE for her to join you, every time. If she declines the invite, play anyways and make sure you have lots of LOUD fun. That way, next time, she might join.

Do you do anything with just your DD14? Is there anything special you could do with her? Maybe mani/pedi night? Spa night? Put the other kiddos to bed early one night and do spa things. Go to Walmart and buy facial scrubs, nail polish, etc. Take some time doing girly things and spending time sharing. TALK to her. I am a little jealous that you have a daughter,do you think my DSx2 would be up for a spa night? HEHEHEHEHE

Scotty,

You could always have your dsX2 put make-up on you, and paint your toenails. You'd have to remove it all, but hey, they might have fun........and you could pretend it was Halloween!

HAHAHAHA. I don't know if I have enough make-up remover. HEHEHEHE. Currently, they are running around in their underwear pretending they are sumo wrestlers. I am cracking up.

/tj over.

Thanks SB and Scotland,

yes, I thought about movie night for a Friday, but some Fridays....WH will be getting them. I hate doing it during the week since school will be starting soon. I could do a movie night on Thursday since it will be right before the weekend. My DS10 and DS11 love playing rummy...my dad taught them. They're always asking me to play and I decline. I could do a game night on Tuesday since church is Wednesday and Monday is just too busy to get anything in. I will work on this.

After my WH told me I was crazy...move on. I talked to my DD14....she said, "mom I know you're not crazy, but what happened to plan B?" I must say...she gets it. She really sees how plan B is a benefit for me and she wants me to stick with it. She told me that they all got a long speech tonight about not messing with his phone and she said he announces who he is texting everytime he receives a message. He also took up DS10 and DS11 phones, so they could not text or call me. He told them that he doesn't trust them that they won't contact me about something HE is doing. (I'm going to talk to my lawyer about that too)

I'm worried about my mail. I haven't received any for three days and I'm expecting child support and other things. I've never gone a single day without mail. I'm wondering if they are forwarding all mail to WH's new address. This will make me mad. I'm calling Monday morning to find out what's going on.

Definitely talk to the post office in person regarding the mail issue. Your WH must have put in a general change of address, and that must be clarified - you should contact anyone you know to be sure that they are sending things to you.

You might want to get a PO box, so he cannot mess with your stuff, and then contact your creditors and utilities so they send your bills there.

Also, talk to your school district, so he cannot get anything of yours. Be absolutely sure that nothing remains in his name - period. There are many things that the district will give to him because they know you guys are married - so get a letter to HR and change things over so your mother or someone you trust is the person who gets things (like your insurance or paychecks) in your absence. That way, if you are in the hospital, he cannot collect your money and make off with it, acting like things are fine with you to do that.

You also need to get to the bank, right away, to be sure that they are sending your bank statements to YOU, not him. Ask that they request no forwarding on that mail.

He might be trying some slick stuff - I do not trust him.

SB

Thanks for the advice sb.....I think I will get a po box and we had seperate accounts, but I think I have his name on the account as someone who has access.

I did get camper money, but lawyer said not to cash until we get a bill of sale.

I'm praying everyday for my ability to forgive, but I have to ask daily.....everytime I hear something about wh, it causes me to become angry and I hate that feeling.

Dd14 told me that betraying sil called her and apologized for attacking me on the phone......it's amazing how hard my wh and his sister are trying to cater to dd14.

Yes - they know that DD14 is the key to your other children. They are ignoring your boys though. Don't think that the boys and even DD14 don't notice that.

My WH has focused his interest on my younger child. He thinks that the younger one will one day forgive him, even if the older one doesn't. And they BOTH notice that and it makes BOTH of them angry. They are equally important to me and they both know that. They both used to be equally important to WH, but now they know he is trying to play them. Kids are much smarter than waywards give them credit for.

Definitely get a PO Box and then get online and do change of address. I went through this and smell something fishy. Then after you rent your PO Box take your kiddies out for a fun activity; go play at the park. Have fun with them, focus on just them and yourself.
Take care.