I after my wife cheated on me admitted to it after me not knowing for 3 and a half years then finding out that my son wasn't really my son. I tried to cope wit it on my own for 2 1/2 years not getting anywhere because we still always fought and never really seemed to be very happy with each other seemed more like room mates than anything else. I decided to say ok enough is enough and that i was done. i didn't wait for us to even actually go into any type of divorce or anything andi started to have sexual relations with another woman. just so happens that she is too married and unhappy and about to go through a divorce. my wife through some snooping and stuff got a hold of some text messages and found me out and now we are trying to recover from my infedility and we haven't really even recovered from hers. yes i know i will get beat up and beat up over this i know i was wrong. i guess we are trying to decide if we can start over with sorta like a clean slate and try to move one. i dunno if i was just finally trying to get back or what. with the other woman it was just about sex not trying to get into a relationship or anything like that. so that is cut off immediately. i know my wifes pain beacause i experienced it already , i know she might not be able to trust me ever again and who cant fault her def not me. i dont really know what i will get out of posting this on here exept alot of people hating me and what not and that is to be expected i understand. but hopefully we'll see if i can actually get something that could help me or my wife or the whole situation as a whole.

His wife is marinemom.

I didn't check is previous posts. I didn't realize it was a BS that was here before.

What you might get out of posting on here is insight into what we have told your wife to do, so you can hijack the advice.

You've been treating mm coldly for some time, yet today when she exposes your affair you immediately come to this site. Why is that?

It's a WS who is being just as devious as every other WS.

I was thinking this sounded a little bit familiar.

WB DRO to MB.

I am sure the vets will be back around soon.

yes mm is my wife. get exposed today and yes i come here today didnt really see any other place that could do much of any good. i could talk to a whole bunch of other people but what good has that done for our situation. like i said i expect to be hated but maybe i could also get some good out of it.

Coming here is a good start. If you expect to be hated you didn't learn much the last time you were here. YES you will get some 2X4 if you start to fogg babble but if you KEEP coming here and listen you can save your marriage.

How long has your affair been going on?

Also, why do you want to save your marriage?

You have had a very hard time coming to terms with the news that your son is not yours biologically. During this year, it seemed to your wife as if you were looking for a way out.

Many people would understand your not being able to bring up another man's child. Many would understand your not being able to recover from an affair, child or no child.

You seemed to be a man who could not recover. Why do you want recovery today?

been goin on less than a month. i have no reason to be angry other than my son but since i let it all out about me just being done with everything i have been better with him actually enjoying my time more with him and everything. i think letting her know how i felt relieved alot of stress back then. but now since my A as well everything is out i know what she is going through and i do lover i want to give it an earnest try and see if we can save it. for the past couple of weeks she has been trying harder i kept doing what i was doing because i figured it would be one of those she tries for a lil bit and then gives up again situations but she has actually been keeping up with it. so now its my turn to actually go whole heartedy into reparing the marriage. but yes for a long time i did think i was not going to be able to get over it and we'll see if with the right counselor and right frame of mind we can get over this. I do think i will be understanding of her place because i was there not too long ago and in a way may still be there. i dunno if answered what you have asked or just rambled but here it is.

I am so very glad you are here! Did you give your wife all the information she requested?

I had an A many years ago that I kept from my H for a long time, nearly 8 years. He has subsequently had 2 A's. The second A resulted in an OC (other child). Yes, you can recover from this if you both are open, honest and willing to embrace the MB program. My H not being on board with MB has made this recovery more difficult. That and we now have contact with the OC which means some contact with the OW.

DRO, my I suggest instead of wasting money on a MC that you schedule phone counseling with the Harley's? The number is at the top of the webpage. You may also want to consider the on-line program which gives you access to the private forum and MB counselors.

Did you write the OW a NC letter?

dro,


You can "get over it". Both the betrayal by your wife, and betraying your wife. It will take a very long time. Recovery is not for sissies, so if you plan to do this don't think it will be "over" in a few weeks or months and then you'll be done. As you can see, you failed to recover your marriage from the first affair in any structured or logical approach - and that resulted in the situation you now face.

I'm going to give you some advice, and whether you take it or not, or like it or not, I won't care. It won't hurt my "feelings" one way or the other. To let you know up front, I have been a WS and a BS, so you can't tell me anything I don't already know.

First bit of advice is that you need to understand that your decision to have an affair is 100% on YOU. It was not related to anything mm did, or did not do, in the past or present. The fact that she had a previous affair certainly put cracks in your marriage. This does NOT erase your blame or responsibility for your decision to have an affair NOW. You hold 100% of this affair, and that is simple fact. There can be no finger-pointing for this. Marinemom was not in the room when you decided to sleep with OW, and if she had been there, her vote would have been "NO". Therefore, your decision was 100% YOURS. You hold the blame for it.

Next piece of advice is to understand that the only person you control in the marriage is YOU.

Therefore, from this point forward, you must control every action take, and REACTION you have. This means that you must take responsibility for your behavior, and THINK BEFORE YOU ACT AND REACT. Probably a new thing for you in recent times, but you need to get into the habit of it. Do it all day, every day.

What else can you do?

Look at your marriage with REALISTIC eyes. That means you must stop excusing behaviors, blaming one another, and start looking at what you have DONE and FAILED TO DO for each other in terms of true support and loving behaviors. How do you do that?

Look at this website, for starters. Come to understand and USE the ideas here. Understand what Emotional Needs are, and what role they play in your daily lives, how they change from time to time, and how your failure to meet them or ability to meet them for your spouse can mean the difference in a happy and supported marital partner (and YOURSELF, oddly enough).

Understand what the terms Radical Honesty, Lovebusters, Angry Outbursts, and Disrespectful Judgements mean. Learn the Policy of Joint Agreement, and make it happen.

When it comes to your marriage, make sure you are attending to each other - using time for each other and making time to be with each other. There are ideas here for that, and they make SENSE.


Regarding the affairs - the two of you failed to repair your marriage after the first affair because you decided to try to sweep it under the rug and "get over it" by forcing your way through the pain and difficulty. You did not evaluation the state of your marriage IMMEDIATELY PRIOR to your wife's affair. This means that the two of you never really identified the issues in your marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair on her part in the first place.

Now, you are faced with a SECOND affair.

Take the time NOW to look at the state of your marriage IMMEDIATELY PRIOR to your affair.

Take the time to talk about what emotional needs you have and those of your wife.

Talk about how each of you meet, or fail to meet, the ENs of the other. This is NOT an argument, but a real talk about how these things are concretely identified and met by one another. It is a talk that can help you identify those issues - the cracks in the marriage. Then, you can look at the OW, and you will see how she capitalized on where you were weak, where your ENs were not met by your wife, and so the OW stepped in and worked on that area. And you looked at that as an opening to an affair, and went with it.

That, dro, is NOT the fault of your wife. It is not her fault for "failing to meet your needs". It is because YOU failed to have a marriage in which the two of you were honest, communicating, and consistently loving and working daily so that those gaps NEVER HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE.


Had you two worked together, as a team, after the first affair, it might have been better.

You have the chance now to understand these concepts, put them into action, and see the fruits of your labors - and watch as a marriage that you really want to have is borne out because YOU PUT THE EFFORT INTO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Great marriages don't just happen. They are earned by the labor of the husband and wife, as a team.


You have lots of work to do.

Give your wife all passwords.
Send a letter of no contact to the OW.
Commit to the Marriage Builders program.


For you, there is the issue of the OC. I understand that. It is possible to consider the OC as a child you have adopted, and go from there.

My final words of advice?

Stop lying, and give your wife answers to every single question she asks, the FIRST time, without holding anything back.

Don't protect the OW. She is not worth anything. You will figure that out in about 3 months anyway.

Call the Harleys.

Look for a thread regarding Extraordinary Precautions, and go to work on them, too.

Order Surviving an Affair.

Do not screw up your chances by making this attempt at recovery be a fake. That is one stupid thing to do, and it is not worth anybody's effort to try to help someone who has no intention of really trying. So if you do not really intend to try, please, don't post.

Use more punctuation.

Schoolbus.

Sorry its been a while since I've posted. I've been working at my job but with my wife as well. Trying to work with everything that has been goin on. I have been listening to what u have been saying and paying attention. I have been trying to move in the right direction. W told me yesterday the results of the new paternity test and the results were as I expected them to be. I think she needed to this test for her though just to be 100% sure. I already knew what it was going to be, and it make no difference to me he is still my boy if anything were to ever happen I would be devastated just the same as if he were biologically mine. This time I think the recovery for me is starting out a lot better because I don't feel all that anger that I once held. I feel oddly enough like (don't make fun of me) jelly. I'm ready to start getting my marriage back on track. And I know what your thinking, how can I say this after just having my A. I can't explain it I just know that I want to work through our problems or issues and get back to the type of relationship we had long ago. I want to make both our lives better. And I want to thank all of you for your advice thus far and for the future advise.

DRO,

Just a question. In the best of all worlds what would the marriage between you and MM look like to you?

Think about this and give me a detailed list of the things that would make you feel good to be married to her and enjoy the marriage.

God Bless,

JL

JL

In the best of all worlds what i would want my marriage to be like is for her to have understanding of what i do for a living and not blame it on me when i come home tired after 18 hour work days outside. I would love it if she would want to have sex with me not see it as a chore. would like to spend time with her and actually spend time enjoying each others company and not arguing with each other. but also realize that we each need "me" time to decompress. I would like for her to have her own friends so that she can be able to talk to someone and be able to go out and enjoy herself. want to be able to go out with her and enjoy our time together with out gettin mad at each other or arguing.

-I dunno if this is what you were asking but this is what i came up with.

Thank you,
DRO

You need to put a stop to your affair. Two days ago, before your wife confronted you, this affair was in full swing. Has anything changed since D Day?

Have you written a NC letter to OW?

Have you arranged your own STD tests? You had unprotected sex with OW and put our wife's health at risk (as she did you when she had her affair).

Are you keeping in touch with your CO about getting his help with no longer working with OW?

When are you next due to go to work? Will OW be there?

Does your wife have free access to your phone and email accounts?

A has been stopped.

Yes things have changed since D-day, I want to be home now, i always ask to go home instead of trying to be at work because i enjoyed my job.

Have not written any type of letter to OW, wife wants no contact what so ever with OW and thats what i'm doing not talking not lookin not any type of anything.

Yes next week goin g to medical to get tested.

Yes I do talk to my boss about trying to get relocated and also have another person trying to help with that.

I work everyday and yes she is at work but not in the same place all the time, she may be in the exact same area for a total of 8-10 mins a day if that and during that time i make myself scarce. if i do have to talk to her its done through a another individual not me directly.

Yes Wife has free acess to anything of mine that is password protected in anyway. If i write a text i make sure its in a place were she can see me and if she asks to see it, i hand it over no questions asked or without hesitation.

DRO,

Why don't you start negotiations with your W by telling her what you want in a marriage to her? Why don't you let her know how much the arguing bothers you and drains you?

Any negotiation should start with a set of goals to be achieved. You and your W need to negotiate what this marriage should be like and what you both need from it. In short it should be a win-win.

You have been hurt deeply by her affair. You have hurt her in kind with your affair, are you two even??? Actually, there is no "even" in my mind. You hurt her and you should not have. If you wanted out of the marriage you should have been honest. She hurt you deeply and compounded it by lying to you for years about the paternity of your son. Is there a way to "even" this out? I don't think so. Should you carry that chit with you and hold it over her, I don't think so. Why? It does not get you where you want to be which by your own words is happily married.

What you must do is end the affair, and then decide if you want to be married to MM. She needs to decide if she really wants to be married to you. IF and ONLY IF the answer is yes, then you two need to sit down and acknowledge the pain you have caused one another, and discuss ways for each of you to ease that pain and have a marriage that will bring pride to both of you, joy to both of you, safety to both of you, love to both of you, and trust to both of you.

Son, this stuff is really simple, it is just not easy. But, if you figure out your goals and work with her to achieve your goals and hers, THEN you have a good shot at this.

If you want print this out and show MM. What I have said to you goes for her as well.

God Bless,

JL