Where to begin....Married 4 years, throw in a couple of bad years, deaths in the family, move for jobs, a set of twins and an unhappy marriage. BANG. Affair....My H was the betrayer, not me. He was confiding in her for over a year and he tells me they slept together once. He cut all ties with her---he called her in front of me and told her that their "friendship" can't go on anymore if he wants to save his marriage. Had her number blocked from my phone and his. He is seeing his own therapist and we start together on Wed. He is the only man I have ever loved. I wish I could kick him out, get a divorce, etc. Love stinks.

Sorry you're here, Julia.

There are lots of people who've been where you are & who can reach out to you from the betrayed spouse's viewpoint. Hold tight, they'll be along shortly.

How did you find out about your H's affair?

Julia, I know it hurts. This is the worse thing that can happen to anyone. But if your WH really wants to save themarriage he will do anything to save the marriage. Read "Surviving an Affair" it will really help. You will find a lot of help and support here. You are not alone.

Welcome to MB and sorry you are here.

Julia,


Right now, you might want to just kick him out. Probably a bad idea.


Let's talk about your marriage first. You say that there were a couple of bad years.


What was the state of the marriage, and why?

Let's give a balanced approach to your marital insight, too. Tell me five things HE was (or was not) doing that needed correcting, and then tell me five things YOU needed to correct.

Be fair. Be realistic. Look at this as though you were on the outside looking in, and try to analyze your marriage without being hypercritical. Don't rewrite things to make them look better or worse than they were. Just factual.


Start there.




SB

After you do that, read up on Emotional Needs on this website. Then, look at yourself and him in terms of the EN's, and see how they fit with your list of the five things you two were doing wrong.


If you and he were to begin meeting the EN's of one another, would you be moving toward a much better marriage?


If the answer is 'yes', then you should start toward recovering the marriage, and not throwing it away. You have a chance to save the marriage, work through it, and have the marriage you always wanted. You can do it with the MB plan.

He has already shown he is willing to stop the affair. That is a huge step in the right direction on his part.


SB

Julia, so sorry you are here. Is the OW married and if so, have YOU told her husband? One way to make sure the affair does not resume is to tell every one about it.

They don't work together, do they?

Please pick up the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there. Here is what it will take to save your marriage:

[qauote=Requirements for Reovery, by Dr Harley]The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
[/quote]
here

No, she's not married. This is her gig...She takes advantage of married men who are having a difficult time in their marriage. By NO MEANS am I saying HIS CHOICE was justified...They have known each other for years. They don't work together...


Wow. Where to start??? We had to move to a town for his job. I was extremely unhappy there...No friends, hated my job, pregnant with twins. I was very lonely and resented him for that. I treated him very badly and he tried to make things better for me. I was so depressed that I was blind to it all. We were there for two years. Then we moved back to where we came from. My friends, my town, a job that I love!! He thought things would just get back to being normal once we got back here. His job had more hours, more time away from home. I felt alone, depressed, unloved and we didn't communicate. He feels the same way..He felt unloved, taken for granted, there was no communication/intimacy. Hence, the affair...I found all the clues, hour by hour. He lied, she lied. I called her many times...It's been a week...

He is going to see his therapist for the third time this afternoon and we go together to a different counselor on Wednesday. I truly feel that he is sorry for what he has done. I just don't know how much longer I can go without him giving me a hug (I have been refusing his reassuring hugs, touches, etc.) or sleeping alone every night. He's been on the couch for a week.

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Oh, and thank you for all of your responses. It makes me feel a little better knowing that I can turn here for some help....

Julia, sorry you are here. I was where you are now, just 18 months ago, and I want to give you hope. Things can get better!

Everyone goes through this grieving process a little differently so I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but there are some things you need to do right now.
- Read Surviving An Affair cover to cover with your spouse. This is the book that saved our marriage. By outsiders standards, we had a "good" marriage prior to the affair but we had allowed our relationship to be on autopilot and we lost touch with each other. The OW filled a need in my DH that I should have known about and should have filled; His responsibility to let me know his needs and my responsibility to fill them. This book will also allow you to build romantic love back in your relationship, set extraordinary Precautions so your marriage is affair proof, and learn to make decisions that you both can live with. It's really great!
- Counseling is great (ours was wonderful) but from alot of the posters here you will find that not all counselors are created equal. Some are not going to be supportive of reconciliation or anything you hear here on MB. This plan works but not all counselors follow it.
- Establish no contact. Yes, he made a phone call that you heard, he changed numbers, etc. But as an added security for you, have him write a no contact letter that firmly states he loves you, he chooses you and and in attempting to rebuild his marriage, he no longer desires contact with her ever again. Have him sign the letter and then YOU mail it. He cannot see her, email, write or call ever again.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY, spend time with your spouse. A minimum of 27 hours aweek for those trying to recover their marriages. You can fall in love again, but it requires time together.

When you are confident that he has established no contact, then it may be time to revisit the distance you have imposed between you two. I'll talk more about that later.

Just remember that forgiveness isn't weakness; it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

We go for out first counseling session today at 10:30 est. Wish us luck....

Where're you at, Julia?