After snooping around for a few days I finally got the evidence I needed to pull myself out of denial. I have not talked to my H about anything that I know at this point, I haven't decided how to confront him.

Now I am just sad and scared.


My story is in MB 101, it didn't start out as having affair issues.

sbeth,

I am sorry that you had to move your thread here. This experience is going to be the most painful of your life. This site will provide lots of insight of how to handle your situation.

Unfortunately, your marriage has no chance until the A is over. Others will be able to advise you.

There won't be much traffic until the morning.

What kind of proof do you have exactly? From reading your other thread I'm wondering if it's a co-worker?

Do not confront him until you have absolute, solid proof because otherwise he will deny it and then go further underground in hiding things from you.

YOu will need to know who the A is with and then you will need to know if the OW is married or in a relationship. You will then need to prepare for exposure! Keep reading on here as much as you can about snooping and exposing and don't let him know you are on to him yet.

And please, from here on out practice safe sex to protect yourself!!!

I'm sorry you're here.

The woman is actually not a coworker. She is a client and one that I believe is a high end client. I don't know how old she is, but maybe 15 years more than me. It just makes me wonder why he did it. I have been running through my mind the idea that he slept with her to keep her as a client. Is that wishful thinking, would that even make it better?

I found out that the extra meetings he was having were dinners at a really nice restaurant. I finally went there and saw him there with her. I saw them kiss goodbye. I don't know where or when they could have taken it farther physically, but its hard to believe with that kiss I saw that it isnt more than that.

sbeth - I'm so sorry this is the case. I agree, ensure you practice safe sex should you decide to have sex with your husband.



The only reason that matters is he has extremely poor boundaries and felt entitled to do it.

I would begin by starting Plan A. Be the best darn wife you can, while you snoop his computer and phone records, possibly put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in his car. And get a plan together for exposure.

In order to end this affair you MUST expose. It is the only way to end it. You must expose far, and wide. As it is a client you must expose to his workplace, to his family, your family, and the OW's workplace and family. Getting all that information will take a little while so start putting a contact list together.

Whatever you do, do NOT confront him. It will do no good, he will deny deny deny and it will tip him off that you're on to him, giving him the chance to go further underground and to spin a tale of you being an unhinged, jealous wife.

I would also get yourself tested for STDs just to be on the safe side.

You will have to decide, if this is a full blown affair, do you want to stay with this man. You've only been married 3 years and have no children. If I recall you're fairly young. Recovery will take 2-5 years. Almost as long as you've been married.

It may be in your best interest to cut ties and move on. Either way you must expose.

More help will be along shortly.

sbethCO

he slept with her to keep her as a client.

NEVER, if the people he works with knew this they would explode!

When the affair turns sour, which is extremely likely, the company will lose not only that account but whatever associated accounts hear about what is going on.

Don't SH** where you eat!

God Bless
Gamma

Vibrissa, I know you said that why he did it does not matter only that he has poor boundaries, but for me it does matter. All I have been thinking about is WHY since I saw them kiss.

I had already done the Plan A a couple months ago and it just gave him the immpression that everything in our marriage was great. And that was well before I ever thought there was an affair going on.

I am not in a position where I want to leave him, I know we have only been married for 3 years, but I still love him, I always have. The idea of exposure scares me, he might lose his job if his boss found out, and right now I would be embarassed for us if our families knew. I don't know if I can do that, especially when I don't know how far it has gone.

If you aren't willing to expose, might as well pack your bags and file for divorce today.

There is only ONE way to end this. The path to recovery is narrow and difficult. Exposure is the first step. This affair will NOT end on its own any time soon. Your husband currently has TWO women at his beck and call. TWO women giving him all he needs. WHY would he want to destroy that?

Right now he is living in a wonderful fantasy land. No consequences for his action, just basking in the attention of two women. The only thing to destroy the fantasy is to bring reality crashing in.

He SHOULD lose his job. He has GROSSLY disrespected his job and HORRIBLY misused its resources. His employers need to know what he is doing to them. If you saw a coworker embezzling company money would you look the other way? Of course not.

Of course it will be embarrassing for your families to know. He has humiliated and used you. But if you want to recover you have to ask yourself, what is more important: your pride or your marriage?

You MUST continue to snoop and find out how far this is going and you MUST expose - or pack it up and go home.

Right now there is very little to hold him to this marriage. You have no children and have only been married 3 years. There is very little to motivate him to end his affair.

ETA: You say you were doing Plan A a while back. A full Plan A to deal with an affair has two parts: the carrot and the stick. Everyone hopes the carrot part of Plan A will do the trick, but few want to consider the stick part.

The carrot is showing him you can be a good wife.

The stick shows him you will not tolerate another person in your marriage.

You can't have one without the other.

For god's sake, he's obviously been having sex with her. Don't delude yourself.

As for your marriage, 3 years and no kids, why would you want to work it out? If he's straying after less than 3 years, guess how many times you'll have to put up with this before you get to 25 years of marriage? Do you want your future children to grow up in a broken home? Do you want an adulterer to be your children's example?

You have all the info you need. So either expose, or if you don't have the stomach for the necessary REQUIREMENTS it would take to possibly save your marriage, then divorce him and choose a better mate in the future.

ITA with this. There didn't seem to be any major issues in your marriage other than some IB. IB which BOTH of you wanted and sought.

I can't imagine how he will handle the stresses of illness, job loss, the time that children take up....

If he's buckled when things are relatively easy (comparatively) I don't know if he has it in him to withstand the changes a family brings.

Do you really want to bring children into the world with a father like this?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you CAN fall in love with someone you SHOULDN'T be with.

Love isn't everything - and sometimes it isn't even close to enough.

You both talk like it is something easy to do. Divorce, exposure, those don't seem like easy things to me.

I don't want to leave him, I don't see that as the answer, especially when I haven't even talked to him about it yet. What caused this is important to me, what he is really thinking in his head is important to me. I have a right to know those things.

sbeth, please contact me at my email address below.

Thank you, Revera

So, are you saying that all the answers you need, all the help that you need, involves extracting information/facts/truth from your H?

Have at it.
Ask him.

Here's a problem....
They all lie.

Best of luck to you.

I don't know what writing by email will solve right now. I know what I need to do, its just doing it is a hard and complicated obstacle. My husband agreed to have lunch with me today, not something that happens often, I have just been trying to figure out what it is I want to say to him.
When we were around each other this weekend there was an obvious tension in the air. Almost as if he realizes I know something now.

He is a good man and I know that he loves me. I just hope he will find a way to be honest with me.

Hope is not a plan. If he is seeing another woman he is not your husband and he is not a good man.

You confront him and you've just set your recovery way back and made it MUCH harder.

It isn't easy - no one said it's easy, but it is simple.

Either he is having an affair or not. Snoop to find out.

If he's having an affair, either you stay or you go.

If you stay either you recover your marriage or you don't.

If you don't expose, if you don't do what needs to be done - then you don't recover. You have children with a selfish, entitled adulterer and you raise your children with the pain and torment that causes. You teach them that women deserve to be cheated on, you teach them that abuse is ok, you teach them that you are worthy of being treated this way - and so are they.

Or you could recover. You could fight tooth and nail for yourself, your family and your unborn children. Fight to give them a family based on love, care and respect.

The path to recovery is straight and narrow. It is difficult and taxing, draining and emotional.

But it's the only way to get what you want.

The ONLY way.

Confronting him gets you nowhere but it does give you lies - it does give him a chance to spin this story, it does give him the heads up to take this deep underground.

The why is simple: he feels he deserves to get a little tail on the side.

That's it.

Now you can play this smart and use the wisdom of those who have been there and done that - or you can rely on your own best thinking.... which hasn't gotten you very far.

Which do you want? Hope, or a plan?

Oh and it was one of the forum moderators that asked you to email them. You might want to do that.

This means there is a problem you need to discuss with a forum moderator.

I do understand almost everything you are saying Vibrissa. It makes sense, it really does. I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle it that way. I have been going over it and over it in my head the past few days.
The one thing that I just don't agree with it, is that he simply wanted a little "tail" on the side as you said. I just don't believe that, I know him and I know that there has to be some other reason than that.
Why would a moderator ask me to email them, I don't know that I have seen that on any other threads before. Do they not make comments directly on the threads.

Email and find out.

sbeth - do what you want and believe what you want.

It is your choice to recover this marriage or not.

If you're not strong enough to do what it takes, then leave. Because whatever you do - do NOT have children with this man!

It really is that simple. Recover or don't. There is no middle ground... unless you want to be right back here 5 years from now with a couple kids on your hips.

There may be a problem with your registration.