_________________________
Moderator
Revera01@aol.com

sbeth,

Do you have access to phone records? Email accounts? Do you have any other proof of the A?

If not, I URGE you to do more snooping and put a VAR in the car before confronting him. Most likely you will get your proof pretty quickly.

If you are going to ignore this advice and confront him about his affair at lunch today anyway, be prepared for him to gaslight you and deny deny deny.

No, I do not have access to his email account. Phone records yes, but either way I know I would find the OW's number because she is a client of his. I found where they met on one of his credit card bills, that is how I was able to witness their "meeting".
What if what I saw is all the farther it has gone, if I confront him, isnt there a chance that could be enough to prevent it from going farther?

I know, you probably think I am being naive. Maybe it is the only way that I can stay strong in this myself.

If they are in an affair you can bet they're contacting each other way more than necessary for business.

Do you have access to his computer? You can get a keylogger on there and get access to his emails that way.


It would be nice if that were true - wouldn't it? Probably isn't - but it would be nice.

Wouldn't make your job any easier.

This is still an inappropriate relationship. It still needs to be exposed to employers and family.

Your course of action wouldn't change as far as recovery - because he was kissing another woman, he already has demonstrated disturbingly BAD boundary issues. Major changes are needed ASAP.


If he hasn't told you about the relationship - then no, there is no chance of this.

Confrontation only gives him the chance to lie himself out of this and go deeper - pick different restaurants, get friends to cover for him... secret phones, secret email addresses.

It makes the fantasy stronger as they build a whole second world to exist in together.

The only thing that stops it going further is reality.



You are lying to yourself. Strength comes from correct action, not self-deception.

Please, don't lie to yourself and take a step back and be objective for a second. If you really want to know what kind of man your husband is, you judge him based on what he does when he thinks no one is looking. The answer to that is cheat on his wife of 3 years and sleep with a work client. By any objective measure based on his current behavior, he is NOT a good man. That doesn't mean he CAN'T be one, but he isn't one NOW, so don't expect him to behave as one and be truthful with you. He will only let you down.

The reason you think that we act like exposure and/or divorce is something easy to do is that we have so much experience in this area and are somewhat desensitized to it. At some point in the future, you probably would give the same advice as we do to a newbie having been through this like us. The reason we are so quick to talk about exposure and/or divorce is this, if you don't do it, you won't have a real marriage. The WORST possible thing you can do is confront him, he apologizes and says he won't do it again, and this eventually just gets swept under the rug and nothing significantly changes in your relationship. Statistics show that someone who cheats so soon in a marriage will likely cheat several more times, especially if they feel they "got away with it" the first time. Things need to DRASTICALLY change in your marriage to prevent him from cheating again, and I guarantee he won't agree to any of those changes unless you take drastic actions like exposure and/or divorce. Otherwise, he'll give you "just enough" to keep you placated but will continue his current behavior patterns that got you in this predicament in the first place. You do not want this still unresolved when you bring children into this world. They will likely repeat the same destructive behaviors as your husband in their future relationships.

If he tells you they aren't sleeping together he's lying. Quit being naive. They are already engaged in a sexual relationship. It's completely obvious to everyone but you. Your husband wouldn't just make out in a restaurant with this woman if he hadn't already had sex with her.

Ok, so I wont confront him at lunch. We will just have a polite and relaxing time together. Even that seems like a stretch at this point until I find out more.

Part of the problem here is you are looking at this man as if he is still your H instead of a wayward. We can predict better than you can at this point about what he's going to say and do just because waywards all basically do the same thing. Gaslight, deny, do what they can to keep the A going, go further underground.

If another week or two goes by and you don't get any further proof and you wanted to confront him, I could understand that more. But GPS/VAR should get you some more info, even if you an establish a pattern of them meeting each other.

Again, if you are going to ignore our advice and confront him, at the very least DO NOT tip your hand. Be vague. Just tell him that you KNOW and that you have proof.

sbeth, one of the best lessons MB teaches is that when it comes to affairs, the wrong people are embarassed.

You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

But I hope you understand one thing: Men like your WH and women like his girlfriend absolutely COUNT ON everybody else feeling just like you do.

They rely on the fact that everybody else - even the spouses involved - will be too embarrased, ashamed and humiliated to do or say anything to stop the affair.

The cheaters know full well that nobody will have the backbone to say anything to them, so they feel free to just relax and enjoy their cheating in peace. This is why they often flaunt what they are doing and, sometimes, all but rub it in their spouse's face.

You've got to change that. We all do. THIS is why MB pushes so hard for the Betrayed Spouses to expose the affair to everybody and their sister - because then the cheaters are no longer protected.

As is often said here, exposing the affair is like turning on the lights in a crack house. It shows the affair as what it really is - dirty, disgusting, and damaging.

Exposure destroys the fantasy of the affair by busting down the protective walls and letting in the light of day. It's like suddenly exposing a vampire to sunlight - the monster kicks and screams horribly, but then dies.

And it may just leave your H (not your WH) in its place.

Stop being embarrassed. It's your WH who should be deeply ashamed of being a liar and a cheater and a man who neglects and harms his family.

The only thing you would have to be embarased about is if you continue to protect a couple of cheaters by keeping their filthy little secret for them.

This thread is being locked until the use of multiple aliases is resolved.