I've read through a few of your posts and see that this is where I will find those who can relate.

July 8th I received a bill from our medical lab showing that my husband had recently been tested for STDs. When he got home from work he first said it was nothing but upon intense pressure he admitted he'd been having an affair with someone from work. He reported he was clear for STDs. He said he was in love with her and wanted to move out.

Needless to say I was numb for about two days. We are a Christian couple who has been married 26 years and have five children. By Saturday he was telling me this was all my fault as I was not meeting his needs for the last five years. I fell into a terrible sadness and panic. I know many of you must know how that feels. It is terrifying.

I begged him to go to counseling or talk with our pastor. He refused. I met him at work a few days later and said it must be so hard to have her here right in front of you all day. He then changed and said it was actually his sister's best friend whom he is in love with. He repeated that he wanted to move out as soon as possible and move in with this girl.

The next Saturday I found the two of them at the sister's house alone. I confronted the other woman and told her what I thought about the whole thing. My husband was just about fainting. Over the next week my husband stayed home and we were very close. He continually tells me he loves me, is attracted to me, and cares deeply for me. However he still says he wants to move out to figure things out.

I since ordered How to Survive an Affair and read through the whole book the day I received it. This past weekend he never came home from work. She apparently is only in the area from Friday thru Sundays. I tried texting him and calling him, but he remained aloof. Finally yesterday afternoon he came home. He told me I need to be strong and let him go. I am just sick. He said he will visit a counselor with me one time just so I can get the help I need. He's made it clear he has no desire to work things out. He says she is the love of his life and he could never live without her.

Our kids are devastated, his family (aside from the sister who assisted him in this)will hardly talk to him. I'm trying to implement Plan A but I just completely broke down again last night while he's holding me in bed. Should I fight like crazy to keep him at our house or let him go as he wants? Financially we have been strapped to the limit with much debt. Over the last two weeks I have made many, many positive changes. He just keeps telling me it's too late for changes, and I had my chance. He seems addicted to her as the book says. His cell phone records show continued phone and text contact with her.

Any advice?

Advice:

• Go to your physician. Get tested for STDs. Ask for help for anxiety/depression/sleep.
  
• Gather supportive family/friends around you.
  
• Inform WH that you are not his warden, you are his wife. Advise your WH that he is free to leave whenever he wants. You do not want to lose him, but you are not going to keep him home against his will.
  
• Further advise WH that should his adultery lead to a divorce, you will not remain friends with him.
  

Also look into Alienation of Affection laws in your state. I know my state has two, and apparently Mississippi has an anti-adultery criminal law that can lead to the arrest of WS and OP. (It was Mississippi wasn't it?)

These are good tools to look into to get OW to back off sometimes.

Finances:
Cancel all jointly held credit cards
Go to the bank and open a new account, transfer half of family monies into an account with your name only

Phone:
If possible cancel his cell phone, there is no reason you should financially support his adultery phone

Positive changes:
Exactly what positive changes have you made?

I know your emotions come in massive waves that threaten to pull you under.



However, you must develop a PLAN independent of your emotions.

Can you do that?

Are YOU STRONG ENOUGH FOR PLAN A RIGHT NOW?

Here is your pre-plan-A homework ....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





While there are certain conditions under which Plan A will not work (addiction, sociopathy), the "conditioning" that the betrayed spouse gets out of being on marriage builders includes the following:


Determine what you want out of life and out of your marriage - clearly defined

Determine what you have to do on your part to become the person who can live/receive that, independent and irrespective of what your wayward spouse does or doesn't do.

Become mentally tough. For the time being, you learn to and choose to ignore the elephant in the living room while you put yourself through basic training for your head and heart.

Get to it. Take Action. Whether it's weight loss, activity, income/job, domestic support, whatever is needed, you act on it

At the appropriate time (You'll know when you're ready), continue these steps with the wayward out of your space (Plan B) in preparation for further measures that may become necessary (divorce).


These are the gifts of Marriage Builders for an individual recovery that may or may not become marital recovery.

I second this. You can not trust that his test came back negative.

What about OW's family and friends? Have you exposed to them. I would make her life he11 as long as she does the same to yours.

I would also take control. Continue to do a good plan A, but monitor contact and try and minimize contact as best you can. Call him out and re-expose when he breaks NC. After 2-3 months of plan I, I would file for legal separation and go to plan B.

Ditto what Pep said.

You be the best you can be.

Tell him he is free to leave. Once he goes, change the locks, and move to Plan B. Let that OW meet his emotional needs, and watch him fail. It will be hard, but he will fail with her. The affair is a pure fantasy, and he needs to understand it.

He is cake-eating right now, telling you he loves you, etc. He is afraid to leave, because you DO MEET many emotional needs for him.

He is wayward. Do not listen to anything he says - watch only what he does, and act accordingly.

He is a liar. Get your own STD test, and do not sleep with him.


Shut off the cell phone if you can. If he objects, tell him that you are fighting for your marriage.

You "do not do divorce".

Do not discuss divorce with him.



Read the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A, and see if you can do this.


SB

Please listen to Pep and Schoolbus. They recovered their marriages and KNOW what they are talking about.