Hi all. I've been lurking here since D-Day (5/1/2010) and have finally worked up the nerve to post. My situation may have already been addressed here, but the volume of messages is daunting and I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for.

I discovered my husband's affair (by looking at his text messages on his phone) on May 1, 2010. The OW is a neighbor and is married as well. She and her husband and children moved into our neighborhood about 3 years ago. The affair started a year ago with lots of talk and shared confidences about each one's unhappiness in their marriage. It became physical about three months later and ended in May. My husband is a stay-at-home Dad and she stays home with her children as well. So, they had lots of time to get to know each other.

I understand that our marriage had its ups and downs, especially after our children were born and I became focused on them. I felt it too. We grew further apart when my husband stopped working and I went back to work. I missed being with our children and resented him because I became the primary breadwinner for the family. But, with all of that, I never felt unloved by my husband and I never suspected that he would do this and take a chance on destroying our childrens' home and hurting me so deeply.

Since the discovery, my husband has (sincerely, I believe) re-dedicated himself to me, to our family and to our future. The "affair" is over, but he still struggles with his feelings for her. I'm not surprised. He loved (loves?) her. Our recovery is hampered by her proximity (at least it is for ME), and by the fact that my husband and hers have become friends. My husband maintains the friendship because he enjoys it, because he doesn't want to hurt the OW's husband (who, as yet, does not know about his wife's affair with his friend), and because we have to live near them. We can't move, at least not any time soon. We can't afford it. So, I watch him interact with them and try not to crawl out of my skin.

Can he really get over her and move forward with me when he still spends so much time with her husband and often with them both? Can I get over the affair and rebuild trust in my husband while he continues to be "neighborly"? Has anyone rebuilt their marriage while the OW remains so visible and present?

Thank you, in advance, for any advice.

Mabel

Even if the physical part has ended (I seriously doubt it) so long as they have contact, then the A is ongoing.

Your M does not stand a real chance of recovery until she is completely out of the picture.

Also OWH should be told. It is not fair that he should suffer his M being destroyed as well without a chance to fix it.

Exposing an A is the first and best weapon to end it.

I would say definitely no.
The first thing to do is to tell this neighbours husband. He has a right to know and it's also important that he knows so that he can keep an eye on them.
Are you sure the affair is over? It seems strange to me that they broke up very shortly after you discovered the A but are still 'good friends' and 'hanging out together'. Are you sure it just hasn't gone further underground.

Hi "my" OW is also the neighbor. YOu can read my thread at PLan B is SO Hard.
My WH and I are separated and he still sees the neighbor but he lives 5 miles from her.
I no longer live in the condominium and spent the last 10 months moving around staying at friends and recently renting. I still have to pay half the mortgage since we own the apartment.
I really do not know how you can handle this situation and not go crazy.
You must remove yourself from it otherwise you would go nuts.
Here is what MB would suggest and others will confirm

--There needs to be absolutely no contact between your WH and the OW
--OW husband needs to know so you need to espose the A to him. He will be your ally as I am 99.9% sure you WH and OW are still at it and they are fooling everybody right under they nose. (sorry I am bias here but my WH fooled me and son for more than a year, he was seeing OW but denying it)
--You need to start making plans to move away from that place. It is a trigger and your M will never recover there. Never.

Please let me know if you have any questions
blessing

Mabel,

How would you feel if you were the only one in this kind of foursome who did not know.

Also every insincere minute your husband spends posing as this mans friend is another knife in his back. I gotta tell you as a BH and OC it really sucks that everyone knows your story except you.

There is another effect that the longer a lie been hidden the larger it gets.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Mabel, sorry you are here.

If you want to save your marriage you will have to move. Your marriage will never recover as long as they live next togehter. Your marriage can't recover until your H withdraws, and he will never withdraw until contact ends.

Secondly, the OW's husband, your children, your family, all need to be told NOW. Your H is a danger to the OW's H and he needs to know so he can protect himself from your H and his wife.

Keeping this secret from him makes you an accessory to the crime. I can understand your H wanting to trick his victims, but there is no excuse for you to trick him too. Please rectify this mistake TODAY.

I would suggest that you get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP. It will help you understand the dynamics of the affair.

But first of all, go over to the neighbors TODAY and tell the OWH all about the affair. Then set your children down and tell them. I would do this without forewarning your husband.

So, does everybody think I'm being played for a fool?

(((Mabel)))

I don't. I think you just don't understand how affairs work. That's ok, most people don't.

But the people here have seen it all, day in and day out. They get how affairs work. You have to trust their advice, because they HAVE been where you are, they KNOW how affairs work, and they KNOW how to recover from them.

You are going to have to make a lot of changes. One of the least being moving. That one really is non-negotiable. And you MUST tell the OWH. Also, a non-negotiable.

Please, trust those who have been where you are and come out the other side. You can make it through this, but it will be tough, and not make much sense now.

I'm so sorry you're here.

Why on earth would you allow your husband to remain friends with her? This chick slept with your husband with complete disregard to you and your children.

You need to tell her husband to keep her away from yours.

And you need to move.

And he needs to write a no contact letter and never see, email, text, call her or anything ever again for life.

Mabel,
I did not follow the MB advice and now my WH is permanently with neighbot OW. They do not live together, but she is always with him. He only lives 5 miles away. She left her younger kid in the total custody of her XH to be with my WH. I just found out today at the doctor's office as the little boy was there with his grandmother and she did not even know who I was and was telling all the people in the waiting office what kind of a bad mom her xDIL is and how distressed the little boy is. He is 9.
So you see, Mabel, I let it go too long...they fell in love and he left the family for her.
My gist is that your WH and OW have taken the A underground and are falling in love with eachother every day more.
Please tell OW's H adn all your family and your WH family.
Make plas to move.
If you WH is not amiable to all this then your M will not recover no mater what.
And when you expose to OW's H and all your family and his, do not announce it to your H, just do it.
Your WH will be angry, but as they often say on this board:
your M can survive anger...but it can't survive OW!
blessing

Mabel, I wouldnt worry about that, [rather be a fool than a liar and a cheater!] but I would focus on turning this around and saving your marriage. You are not fooled any more.

Start with telling the OWH, your children, your family members. And then call the realtor and get your house rented out and make arrangements to move.

TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THE AFFAIR.

Every one of us on this board who is a BS feel or felt like we have been played a fool or tricked. I told my DH that the worse part of his A was that he played me and made me think I was in a monogamous M. I guarantee you that the OW and your DH are still seeing each other. You HAVE to tell the OWH (other woman's husband) TODAY. The only way to end this A is to expose it. The sneaking around and thinking no one knows about it is what cheaters thrive on. Don't let your DH talk you out of telling the OWH. If you want to save your M you must tell. I would even tell some of my neighbors if I were you (but that is just me) to make sure everyone is watching them. You are torturing yourself by hanging out with your DH and his lover. Hasn't your DH already proven himself to be a liar? Why would you believe that he isn't still seeing her? I don't see how you can do that myself. Love yourself enough to put an end to this madness.

By not exposing their A you are allowing them continue to play you and the OWH.

Mabel, you are not the fool, he is!
You are a trusting person who is honest and expects others to be the same. The problem is he is not. You often hear on the boards here that 'an alien has taken over my H/ W' and that is exactly how it seems. They become such different people, capable of the most incredible lies and deceptions without as much as a flinch. This is pretty much par for all WSs.
In order to protect yourself and your children you need to change your whole mindset. From now one you must only trust him when he proves himself worthy of that trust, not automatically as you did before. Assume he is lying and concealing until he proves he is not and don't worry you'll see the difference. It's day and night.

Hang in there. He might see the light through the fog.

Of course not, if we did, then we'd have to call ourselves fools. We've been where you are.

It is CRITICAL that you expose this to OWH as he has the right to know what is going on with his life.

As long as your WH is in proximity to OW, the affair will thrive. See, everytime he sees her or has contact with her, is one more day of keeping the affair alive. He will never be able to withdraw from his "feelings" for her and you will be triggered EVERY DAY.

Your marriage will NOT survive if you do not expose and if WH does not stop ALL contact with OW or OWH.

Plus your WH will lose respect for you because he sees how low you set the bar and will go as low as you set it.
You are being a doormat and you WH is really acting like a wayward who is totally fogged up.
How can he play friends with OW's H while he boinks his wife...and how can he expect you to play friends with that couple knowing what went on??????????
He needs a reality check.
Follow the steps suggested and you will have a good chance at R the M if this is really what you want.
blessing

Mabel,

So, does everybody think I'm being played for a fool?

Not anymore you are not, it is not a character flaw to believe in people, it is a flaw to to betray the trust given to you. By extension you are part of H and OMWs crime if you continue their silence. Also don�t believe what they tell you about OWH.

God Bless
Gamma

This is the way to move when you cannot afford to. You rent somewhere else, and you get your place rented out.

Please don't say that you cannot do this, because you can.

Mabel, the folks who have not moved quickly on these neighbor affairs usually lose their marriages. I would implore you to not dither around with this. It will take very decisive, firm action on your part if there is to be any chance. You can't cut corners when you live so close.

WE had one woman whose marriage ended and she had to watch her H sneak to the neighbors house to see his OW after they separated. It is a nightmare.

Please move forward bravely.

I know one guy who did save his marriage after his wife's affair with the neighbor. [BigKahuna] He packed up his wife and 3 sons and MOVED to a rental house. They left their house vacant and didnt come back until the OM had sold his house and moved.

They didn't wait to do this. They did this immediately. You can't afford to wait.

I am another example of neighborly love which destroyed the M.
The only thing I would ask Jusus to edit is: love your neighbor.
I would ask him to please change the word neighbor to something else. I am sure he would agree to help.

See, the neighbor thing is....there is no respite. They see eachother all the time. My H used to sneak in her house at all hours of the day and she will not let him out of her sight, as soon as he left the house to go to the lake, she would drive there and meet secretly...
This creates a tremendous bond between them. Can you imagine...they constantly deposit love units in the bank.
I know you are scared to do what they tell you here. I thought people were crazy for telling me to do those things.
Now I regret not doing them. I would have had a shot at saving my M.
blessing