How can I get to queeniesadventures thread? I can't find where it's all together.

Link to Queeny's thread

I'm pretty sure this is the one referenced.

Have plenty of water and tissues on hand before you start. It'll take you a while to read through from the beginning.

I think it's actually now longer than War and Peace...

Hey, hope it's pinwheel from the boards. Just thought I would chime in here for you. Everything in plan B IS to protect yourself, that much he is right about. Don't let his tone make you feel bad about it.

His words are nothing new, my WH played the same tape as yours. So like others have said here it's nothing original or new even though they think it is.

I have to disagree however on the not telling him about stuff the kids are doing. I'm sorry you have kids together and it's not there fault any of this has happened. But not telling him about stuff like, grades, conferences and sporting events is taking away his rights as a parent. Despite all he has done he is still there Dad and has every right to know what his kids are doing.

When my kids have had events I tell my x. Yes that means I will have to see him. But I don't have to interact with him. I sit clear on the other side of the benches and when it's over I tell the girls to go say hi to there dad and that I am headed for the car or that I will be waiting by such and such place. Simple as that. This is just my opinion, but if he had custody I would be very ticked if he chose not tell me about stuff simply to avoid me.

Perhaps instead of tellng the kids you don't want to hear about WH simply ask about what they did. Focus on them and make the conversation about them and not your WH. It worked well for me and we focus on there activities not on what he does or doesn't do. I do let them vent if they are upset at something he did or said. My response is always the same. I'm sorry that your upset and I understand. I love you and I hope you feel better. Validate there feelings and that they are upset, keeping your feelings out of it. Vent here if you need to.

Whorthyo, I disagree.
When you chose to give up your family for OW you lose the right to have a part in your kids life.
It is not the same as: I he had custody and did not let me know I would be upset...no, it is not the same, as a WS he has the obligation to let the BS know what the kids are up to, the BS did not abandon the M, the WS yes, did.
blessing

In Plan B, you can't even SEE your WS. This telling the info back and forth and all going to the games together, is crazy making. There is no need for HopeE to tell WS when and where the children's games are. Unless she is asking for half of the money for the activities, she doesn't even need to tell him that they are playing anything.

I don't tell my WH ANYTHING about what the kids are doing. If the kids tell him things, they can. It is their life. BUT they understand that until Daddy ends his affair with OW, we won't be communicating directly. They understand because I have made it clear to them. It's something that my WS has chosen since he has chosen to continue his affair. He could always STOP his affair.

I wasn't implying she should communicate with him directly about anything. IM is the person to do that. And your right he did forfeit that right.

no way. BS has no obligation to tell WH anything, not even thru the IM. He can find out. He can end A and have his family back..that too.
blessing

How does not telling WH about the kid's events affect him at all? He doesn't need to know what they are doing when they are with HopeE and she doesn't know what they do with WH. There is no need to tell him and it would only cause further turmoil in the lives of the children and for HopeE. The children need a mom who can handle things because her emotions are not all over the place. Telling her WH where her children will be and when, would just create tension and the, "I wonder if he will be here today." I don't see any reason. I don't see anywhere where DrH suggests that, especially when in Plan B. If you have any evidence to support these claims, and not just your opinion, I will listen.

I have a question about my situation. It seems with my WH's A that he is the only one that continues to deny the affair. He hasn't taken off to live with her, etc. I've filed for divorce with the intent to drag it out.

How will I know when affair is over? He may not flaunt it until after divorce. I like plan B because it protects me and helps me heal. Can I continue in it even after divorce? Does anyone eventually see or talk to WH?

I believe that there are still a few people here who have continued Plan B after a divorce. I am thinking about Chai? DrH has a recommendation of 2 years. I don't believe that it is just about the affair stats being that MOST affairs end within 2 years of being exposed, I believe it is also a good timeline for the BS's feelings for the WS to diminish enough so they are able to move forward. Sometimes, on to other relationships. I myself have stated that I have an end date for my Plan B that is longer than the 2 year mark. But I am not telling anyone what it is as to keep my right to change it in the future. I WILL be doing the 2 year minimum though. I still have love left for my WH and I think that is a barrier to ANY communication with him for YEARS to come.

Smiling Woman is in a kind of Plan B and she is divorced. She has had to do this because of the situation, timeline of the divorce, and the fact that her WXH is such a drama queen and so is the OW. Too much turmoil, and she is only just a little over a year post d-day.


How will you know the affair is over? You will know because your WH will go through a period of withdrawal from the OW, and he will begin to show signs of being


a normal human being.


Somewhere in there he will begin talking like a normal man again, and not being such a turd.


The kids will notice that he is calling them more often, and that he is kinder to them, more giving.


And you will hear through the school grapevine that the OW is completely pissed off at him, she is complaining about him, and that she hates his guts because he was such a LIAR.

That's when you will know.



SB

It's a tough day for me. DD14 is asking to be put on antidepressants. I'm leary of this and I'm feeling such guilt for this mess we are in.....I hurt for the pain she is in. She is not very talkative and it's hard to pull things out of her. She said she is fearing death and her friends talk alot about that movie 2012 and whether it's true or not.

She just knows that she feels awful and scared. I can't help but wonder if there are other feelings she's dealing with also.

I'm helpless to stop any of this...my family is going in the toilet. It's just been a bad day....bad frame of mind and all.

If you can afford to do so, go ahead and let DD14 have them. She sounds depressed.

But then again--she does have to have a doctor's appointment to get them, so go that route and see what he or she says about it.

I agree with PM about your daughter. Hard to know one way or the other so let the doctor make that decision.

As far as your bad day and your feelings go, you have to understand that you are going to go through all of those early feelings from Plan B all over again. THAT is one MAJOR reason I have tried hard not to break my Plan B(with exception to the olive branches).

Advice is the same as always. Take care of yourself. get some rest. Eat well. Get some exercise, and take time for YOU. You WILL feel better soon. You know you will since you have felt better before.

Now, what are you planning to do tomorrow? What fun thing do you have planned?

Actually,

These two women from church have really reached out to me and asked me to come over tomorrow for a visit..they said we will just talk and pray. I'm going to get DD14 to watch the kids for me....I'm really looking forward to it.

Right now I'm waiting for payday...which is Tuesday.....so entertainment is a little slow. I'm hoping to take them swimming tomorrow at a friend's house.

I'm still working at my weight loss, but it is soooo slooow. I'm getting low enough that each pound is much work. My metabolism is like a snail...I don't know what to do about that? I started taking B12, but I can't tell much of a difference.

Thanks for all the advice.....I know how to think...but it's like I can't make myself sometimes. It's like Paul says in the Bible "I know what to do, but I don't do it."

HopeE,

When you see that you are making the choice "not to",

remember


that IS a choice.


You could just as easily choose to do the right thing.


Your WH could also have chosen the right thing.


He didn't.


Will you?



SB

I will SB....I'll choose to make it.

Ok, I'm making plans to get my Ebay business up and running again...nothing major because I don't want to take away from my kids...just small to make some extra $$$. I've proven to myself that I can toss it aside if needed. To be honest, it's been hard to motivate myself to do it again; it's extra work and I've enjoyed the break from it.

I'm going to spend some time in the Bible this morning reading and praying after I take DS7 to the day camp. Here's hoping that I don't get called for his behavior.

I don't know if I've mentioned, but sometimes I believe that his leaving was more than just our marriage. You see, he told me that one of his reasons for leaving his first marriage was that she wanted children and he didn't. He claims she treated him great and he screwed up and had an affair on her. The story goes that he was just so overcome with grief that he left her. I often wonder if any of that is the truth. I would love to talk with her. Anyway, my point being that things were still ok until we had our 3rd and 4th child. I think our children were more than he could handle; he was so explosive and impatient. He left me with them constantly so he could get away.

I've had many friends comment about his leaving being a plus for him because he can be a father from afar now. He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to create a relationship with them that he had with his own father...one of resentment and hurt.

Hope,
men do not care as much about their kids once they make the decision to leave.
They do not have the same connection we have and many WH on this forum are a living proof of it, mine included
The sense of guilt we would feel if we did what our WH did would be unbearable...yet, what do they do? They hang around the lake with OW and enjoy parenting from afar.
My WH too spends all of his free time on the lake. WIth her and his new motorcycle.
SO you know what....?for now, they really do not care about the kids. Or us for that matter.
And Hope, your WH was already wayward when you married him. He has it in him. You could have been mother Teresa and he would have still cheated on you.
It is his lifestyle.
You did nothing for him to cheat. You have no fault or play in this. None whatsoever.
There are men who live with royal bitc%s but do not cheat on them.
There are men who live with a saint of a W, and they cheat.
Go figure!
blessing