I am confused, who�s idea was it to hire 2 nannies?


So you have tried to seek counseling in the past?

She ONLY works 3 half days a week? I am a SAHM and if my DH said I didn�t work I would be hurt. This is what my husband says when asked what I do for a living or where I work. He says �She works incredibly hard 24/7 to make sure the kids and I are taken care of.� When asked how many kids we have he playfully says �I have 4 but my wife has 5.� The real truth is your wife is a full time mom and on top of that she also works 3 days a week.


Did you call?

It�s not about what YOU want right now. I also see a lot of judging her in this post.


How about dealing with this�.
You say she is minimizing your contact. She is TELLING you she feels you aren�t spending enough time with YOUR children. Why are you waiting on the lawyers? Contact your wife and make a visitation plan that involves you spending more time with the kids. IMO 12 hours a week is not enough time. Every situation is different but the common visitation is once a week and every other weekend. That would be about 30 hours a week.

I think sending the picture would be a good idea. Just make the e-mail short. Something like �I took this cute picture of the kids yesterday and I thought you might want to see it.�

Good point PM.

I made the list ... as an afterthought. LOL !
Not with a ten foot pole.
Thanks anyway .

Well then I will have to be the bearer of the 2X4.
Scuba,
You are blame shifting, being judgmental towards your wife and rewriting history. This has to change or you will never get anywhere.

To try to answer a few questions from above:

The idea of the nannies was her idea.

Yes, I've tried to do therapy with her. I have done therapy myself in years past for work-related stress and issues with my parents. She has been resistant, with her reasoning being that a mental-health professional going to therapy may undermine her professional image in some way.

Physicians don't do 15 years of school with 150k of debt NOT to work. She likes her work, she wasn't forced into it. The conflict she feels is internal, not from pressure from me to work. I make plenty of money, her income is 1/10 of mine. And again, we have no financial seperation even at this point, so the idea of me pushing her into work is inaccurate.

I have tried to work out a schedule with her in regards to expanded child visitation. She won't work with me. Period. She is the one wanting the lawyers to work it out. She's being polite about it, she just feels that it should be directed by our legal representatives. Not totally sure why.

Anyways, so I got off early for lunch today. Called her up to see if I could take the kids to the Chick-fil-A with the playground for lunch, and give her a break. She said OK, and the boys and I had a fantastic time. I hope that this is a good sign...

Oh, and I sent her the picture with a quick email thanking her for the opportunity to see the boys today. Hope it goes over well.

I think it is a good sign. I am glad you had a great time.

One step at a time. Take care not to overwhelm her. Out of consideration for her during her pregnancy, ask about possibly delaying the lawyers. I bet you anything she is just totally overwhelmed. Hormone changes in pregnancy can cause women to distrust their own judgment, and a female physician would be aware of this. It's not something you need to point out. It's more something you could offer - what can I do to reduce your stress until you have the baby?

Cherished

PS. I realized my advice good be summarized in one line: Your goal should be to have her delay making a decision rather than to decide and to commit to the marriage. If she decides now, it is unlikely to be in your favor.

dead on, cherished.

OK, so you know I'm excitable when I'm on a roll. So I did lunch with the kids yesterday noon-time. So I called her around 5:30 to see if she had dinner plans. I was going to get some takeout for myself and I thought I could drop some dinner off for her and the kids. She said OK, so I did. We had a pleasant interaction for a couple of minutes before I left. She said that she had bought a big-wheel for our daughter that came in lots of tiny pieces and needed tools to put together. I offered to take it to my house and assemble it. I took it home, put it together, and left it on her doorstep.

Yesterday was the best day I've had in 2 months. Got to see the wife and kids twice in one day, even if only for a couple of minutes. I even got to "do" something for her! I'm giddy.

I know I'm supposed to take it slow, but I got good vibes yesterday. I'll see her tonight when I get the kids, I'll keep it cool. Will ask her if there's anything she needs.

Thoughts? Comments?

Good job, scubaman,
remember baby steps, let her experience that soft, safe place to be when you are around.....maybe a sweet hug ..........smiles...........offer to do little things......take care of her and the kids however you can........I'm giddy for you........

I think this is a good start. Your wife is smart. Your wife is obviously a professional and a "nester".
You changed everything in her life (her concept of her life now and in the future) with the A.
She is thinking she will have to work longer out of the house.
anger/restnment.
Thusly, her ralationship/time with the kids forever altered.
anger/resentment.
Her idea of what a M is, trashed.
anger/resentment.
Her vision of what her family would be, (happy vacations, birthday parties, graduations and weddings) gone.
-- she never planned to have to do this alone. Right now, I bet that is all she can think about. I think "nesters" have an incredibly hard time accepting this. I know I did.

Anyhew- She is going to have to take time to process this. It can not be rushed. She is entitled.
What you can do is change your behavior. Read, learn, counsel. Tell her you are doing this. Keep communicating this.

Then you are going to have to show her, by your actions that you really mean for the changes to happen.

Do not promise hearts and flowers and all the world, not right now. That may be like dangeling candy in front of a baby, (to a BS who places a great deal of attention on family and homelife.)


She needs time to filter. You need time to change. Not 10 weeks, either.
Good luck to you. You sound like you are really trying.

Above all, be consistent. You have betrayed her. She will be alert to any sign of your facillating in your commitment or attention.

My husband got back in the house fairly quickly but then got booted out again. We went through years and years -- years when those children of ours were growing up -- when there were blow ups and the attention was on our relationship.

Once, my daughter called my husband on his cell phone and asked him not to come home. Is that a memory you want your children to have -- that they don't want their father home?

Make everything consistently positive. Cherish her. The fact that she's willing to see you at all means she is open to reconciling. Be open. Be hopeful. Don't push.

Cherished

PS. My husband drove me to the doctor today to get my stitches out. It was a two hour drive because I needed really top notch care for plastic surgery on my forehead. Even now, with medical care due to physical abuse, there is a positive experience in chatting about the coming week. Think about it. There won't be long term evidence of your affair, since you apparently didn't father a child. The whole thing could fade but only if you step up to the plate and become the husband and father you need to be. You will be kept to a higher standard now. It will be a long, long time before she will trust you, but it can happen.

SM,

Instead of asking her what she needs....


LOOK AROUND

and figure out what she needs and get it done for her without her having to ask you to do it.


Example:

The gate in the fence has been rickety and not closing right. YOU NOTICE IT. You say, "I have noticed that stupid gate for a long time, and I'm fixing it today. I want the kids to be safe." Then FIX IT. No need for her to ask. YOU JUST DO IT.


By the way, she does want conversation. She does NOT want to have to ask you for it. The conversation she wants is to hear what you are figuring out - what you have learned from your affair, what changes you are making on your morals, your thought processes toward family life and the future, your ideas about how you need to change yourself and your approach to what a marriage is, and

how you plan to DO THIS.


She wants to see changes
to hear what you think those changes are and should be
to understand that you are working on changing
and to BELIEVE IN your changes.


This takes time. You have to prove it - and that only comes with living the changes. You have work to do.


Tell her your thoughts. Do not wait for her to ASK for anything, and never again ask her


"Is there anything you need?"
LOOK FOR WHAT SHE NEEDS and meet the need.

"What can I do?"
LOOK FOR WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE and do it.

"What do you think I need to change?"
LOOK INTO YOURSELF and make your changes happen.



In other words - YOU do the heavy lifting. She is TIRED.


SB

gotcha. Will do!

Quick update on my situation:

Talked with my wife over the phone last night for about an hour. I told her that my attorney had drafted a temporary agreement that would separate us financially, with child support and bills paid by me, and would set up a visitation schedule with the children.

I told her to ignore it. I said that I want to put her needs and the needs of the children above my own. I said that the agreement seems like a step closer to divorce, a step that I don't want to take. I said that I want to give her the time she needs, and I don't want her to be stressed over money or the kids. I don't want to force her into a decision prematurely.

She agreed to take no further legal action at this time. While she isn't dropping the suit, at least it's on hold. She agreed to talk more with me, and see where it goes.

I figure I'll give it a few weeks, and if things go well I'll try to get the MB coaches to get involved.

Ideas? Thoughts?

Why would you wait?? Call them NOW. Yes, it costs money, but divorce costs a whole lot more - both in money and in a lot of other things.

Great! I bet she is happy that she doesn't have to deal with that right now! I really wouldn't push for her to go to counseling with you right now. She needs time. By all means, though, get the His Needs/Her Needs book and start following it. Focus on what she needs because she needs a lot.

And take my story as a word of warning: if you go too fast, you could end up going back a lot, in fact right into divorce. She is very fragile. Take it slow.

Cherished

You might also get a copy of "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. In it he explains very clearly the roller coaster both the BS and WS go through when there is an A.

It might help you understand your BW a bit more.

SM


The fact that she has agreed to give you some time is great.

This means she does have some faith - however small - that this might be fixed.


Now, it is up to you to make the moves to fix it.


Instead of waiting on her, you go ahead and start talking to the Harleys yourself. You don't need to wait for her in order to learn how to fix yourself, how to understand what you have broken and how to move in the correct direction toward making the types of changes you will need to have on board for

permanent changes that will make a future with your wife


look and BE

real for her.


You see, she has to see those changes and BELIEVE they are permanent. she has to know that what you are doing is a true change of self, not just sugar coating in order to get her home.


MB will help get you there - and you do not need to wait for her to do anything. Do it YOURSELF>

she will see that you are going forward, doing that heavy lifting I talked about

she needs to SEE YOU WORKING

and she needs to hear you talking about what you are learning.



Have you looked at the Emotional Needs Questionnaire yet? Do it. It will get you on the road.

And look at the Extraordinary Precautions. You need to get those done and show her, in writing, what you have done. Give her a checklist of your plan, and let her know what you have already completed.

Talk is cheap. Lift weights.