I was wondering if anyone can lead me to an old post or answer my question....I posted a while back about my friends and how her hubby cheated, well, she decided that she wanted to R, but now she feels her hubby is wanting sex, but she doesn't want to, feels feels it's too soon and she's confused. She asked me to post this for her. I tried to get her here and I think she has read quite a bit...I tried to get her hubby here and I think he's read some things here. I don't know why she won't post anything. But, anyway, she wants to know the average time it takes before the BS feels comfortable with sex again, she wants something to work with and someone to tell her what she is feeling is completely normal. I told her if she doesn't feel comfortable with it not to do it. I told her she still needs time to heal and forgive. I told her what she feels is totally normal, but she wants an average. I just feel like she wants someone to validate her feelings....she's my best friend and I try to, but I well...may be hearing from the people here will help her. This happened not that long ago, a few months may be. I just want her to understand that what she feels is totally normal. I am trying to get them both to read the book I bought from here. I think it was called "Surviving an Affair".

Anyone....she really feels the need to know an average timeframe.

wife-02 maybe you should post this in the recovery thread and you might get some valid responses. Good luck

No one can give her a timeline because everyone is different. However, if she is trying to R on her own, her R time may be much much longer (if at all) than a couple who is practicing MB.

Wife02,

Well now let's talk averages abit here.

Many couples have what is termed "hysterical bonding" immediately after the BS discovers the affair, IF the affair is ended.

Other couples go months before they feel comfortable with having sex again; a few longer.

What sort of average is this? Not much of one really.

Let me offer some thoughts based on general impressions from being here over a decade. Men often want/need sex to rebond with their W's no matter if they are the BS or the WS. It is how men often bond most effectively with their spouse.

You will also notice and your friend should also notice, that sexual fullment is an EMOTIONAL NEED and often a high one in men, but also in women as well, although women on "average" put it much lower. It explains why physical betrayal often bothers men more than women and why emotional betrayal often bothers women more than men.

So where am I going with this. Your friend should not have sex with her H if she feels it demeans her or would hurt her. HOWEVER, she should be aware that it is often an important need for men and often the lack of getting needs met sets the stage for someone to unilaterally violate the marriage with an affair.

I would simply have you ask her. Is she avoiding SF because of fear of disease? Then have him get tested. Is she avoiding SF because she doesn't need it much and she wants to punish him? If that is the case she needs to revisit her idea of recovery. Is she avoiding SF because she simply feels no desire due to being emotionally drained or depressed? She should see a Dr.

Averages are strange things, but her antiphey toward her H is not unusual, what needs to be decided is why and then what she hopes to accomplish by staying away from him.

I will end this by saying to her via you, that most WS often punish themselves more than a BS would especially if the BS does in fact show them the love the WS claimed was not their. Her need to punish if there is such a need in her is misplaced.

Just thoughts I hope it helps.

God Bless,

JL

PS: He should definitely be tested for STD's before intimacy no matter what she decides or thinks.

I think everything with them is going ok....but I am wondering about the whole "hysterical bonding" you mentioned....it just seems that the two of them are sickeningly "in love" right now....should this be a concern....I'm a tad worried about them right now.