They have shut me out. My family already knew, but his family or friends are probably siding with him.

Okay.. Here is the status:

The OW apparently has been calling me (or at least i think it is her). My H emailed me and told me that because of ME, she will most likely be fired or moved to another part of the agency. He now has to answer questions about his "inappropriate relationship". I ruined him and her. He told me that I may have to move out of OUR HOME because he allowed me to stay in our home because he initially felt sorry about hurting me - he is paying the mortgage, and I take care of all of the other bills.

He no longer feels that way. He wants me gone. He will be filing immediately.

Not sure what I need today. I am so detached, that I haven't spoken to anyone (other than my neighbor who knocked on my door yesterday and my work colleagues). I have not charged my cell phone or answered any calls from anyone. I am spending time by myself for myself.

Not even sure if my H has emailed or not. I am very lonely, but I also feel like a bother to the few friends I do have because they all have significant others in their lives and I don't want to be the third wheel. So I keep to myself.

Went shopping today and had a great workout. I forgot how much I love music!! Albeit old music (70's), but good music. How is everyone else?

My H called and left me messages at work for the last 3 days (today, and yes, even Saturday and Sunday). I just charged my cell phone and noticed he also called and left messages there. He also emailed me several times today, saying: "I have not spoken to you in a while and can you let me know if you are alive..." Well, I have NOT returned a call or answered email. What is this saying..him calling/emailing?

Should I call or write the JAG office about his affair? I brought up the core values of the military and he laughed in my face when this all first exploded, that is why initially I figured it wouldn't make a difference because he didn't seem to care if I told his commanding officer.

Is the house under your WH name?
blessing

DU,

I'm not sure why you haven't been replying to his calls. I've read this thread, but I cannot see where I have missed the reason.

If you are in Plan A, you should be negotiating with him for the end to the affair. You should be meeting those ENs that he will allow you to meet. You cannot negotiate or meet ENs if you are not speaking to him.

If you are in Plan B, your H should have clear instructions about how to contact your intermediary when his affair ends. I haven't read where you have an intermediary, nor where you have written him a letter offering him a clear path back to your marriage.

What message are you trying to send him by exposing the affair and then not speaking to him?

I have exposed, but also received a suggestion to contact JAG/ and his commanding officer. I am also preparing a letter to send to my H with my terms. He has not ended his affair and I will not communicate with him while he continues to pursue and remain in contact with HER...

I am going to call JAG and his commanding officer tomorrow.

So, do you have an intermediary that he can contact when he ends his affair?

What does your Plan B letter look like? If you write it here first, people will give you help with refining it.

DU, your signature line says "married for 12 years" but your first post says "married nearly 6 years, together for 12". Your signature line is supposed to give a quick accurate picture of your status.

Does your H have children from his first marriage (or from any other relationship)? Is he on good terms with them, if so?

Why did his marriage break down? How long was he married for? As far as you know has he ever committed adultery before?

If you do not have children, the chances of Plan B bringing him back to the marriage are apparently slim. Steve Harley, Dr Harley's son (who does the telephone coaching), has told his clients this. I believe that he has suggested staying in Plan A for as long as the BS can bear to, and then filing for divorce.

The problem with Plan B is that you, the BS, commit yourself to staying faithful for up to two years, while WH continues his affair. If after two years he hasn't returned to the marriage, Dr Harley says he is unlikely to ever do so, and you should let go.

If there is very little chance of your WH going back to the marriage, you should weigh up the benefits of giving the marriage your best shot against wasting years when you could have been free. I haven't had to make this decision, and I know it's easy for me to say this, but you might be better to cut your losses within a few months - perhaps by the end of this year- if he does not return.

SugarCane -

I appreciate your feedback, but based on what you say and Dr. Harley, there is NO HOPE. I am depressed and angry. I am so down about everything now. I want my M, but there apparently is no hope. I don't want to go on.

My suggestion would be to try Plan B for a few months, but perhaps not for Dr Harley's recommended two years.

Would you please try and answer the questions in my last post?

I updated my profile to read accurately. We have been married 6 years and together for 12 years.


My H had no children at all.


His ex-wife spent years away in another country for her job. He was married for 10 years. They had a amicable D. She is now remarried. They spent more than half that time living apart. I don't know and don't believe he ever committed adultery before.

Good Evening. Just an update. I spoke to my H today. He asked me if I was purposely avoiding his calls because he has been trying to reach me and I was not available. I was busy and knew that he was still communicating with the other woman. He never said he was or was not. Although he told me that he was lonely (not that he missed me) and that he was calling me for the last 2 weeks to talk. We had somewhat of a bad phone connection and he called back 3 times.

Not sure he was lonely because he was missing me or not. But he wants to call me tomorrow. Should I speak to him, what do I say about his communicating with the OW?

Are you in Plan A? Then answer the call, as long as you are available of course. No sitting around waiting for him to call.

As far as what you can say about contact with OW, my fave is, "I will not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, is it raining over there(or whatever other thing you will use to change the subject)?"

Scotland and all, Thank you for the advice. I wanted to give everyone and update and to see what advice you can provide based on it.

I am in Plan A. I spoke to my Husband on Thursday. He sent me an email that morning and asked if he could call and when. Well, he called me and told me that he was very lonely and had been thinking about me. He was concerned that I wasn't answering his calls on purpose. I told him that I could not engage in any discussion with him as long as he was involved with someone else. He did not respond and basically (as I thought) ignored what I said and asked me how I was doing. We spoke for a bit and we wished each other well and hung up. Later that day, I received another email from him thanking me for talking and that he would call me on Friday. He did, but I was in a meeting at work (It is 8.5 hours ahead of my time).

We Skype'd yesterday and today. He looks so good and sad at the same time, but he again told me how lonely he was and that he was having a difficult time connecting with people there because they complain so much about everything.

This morning before he called, he sent me 2 emails, one where he told me he was stopping his forwarded mail (which was to either his best friend or the OW's address) and that it be coming to our home from now on. He than asked if I can let him know what important mail came and if it required action by him.

The second was to tell me when he would Skpye me. I asked if he needed anything and he asked if I could send snacks and some much needed toiletry items. I already planned to send things and have 2 boxes to send to him.

How do you all think things are progressing?

I am new here as well and I totally understand your position you can read my story as well by clicking on my name. It went very similar to your experience. At this point we are in a PLan B.... But he has stated he wanted to come home but I am not sure he is ready.

^^^^^bumping for help.

Destiny, could you please bring me up to date?

You are pretty certain that the affair is continuing - is that correct? I can see that he says nothing when you insist that OW must be out of the picture, so she is still in the picture.

The last you were told it was an EA. Do you now accept that it is a PA?

Why was WH's post being forwarded to OW's address? Do they live together?

Only about a week ago, he was adamant that he did not want to go home and he wanted a divorce. Exposure made him reiterate this. What is he saying now? I gather that he says he misses you, but does he say anything about wanting to go home? If so, does he ever talk about ending his affair?

Update:

My H (still overseas) has been reaching out a lot - emails, phone calls, and Skype. I have not always been available and now he is wondering if I am avoiding him. He asked if I needed anything and about me, the house, my health, work, and I needed money. I said, with a very enthusiatic attitude, I am doing great (and I am).

I made earlier arrangements to meet up with friends this past weekend when he called and had to cut our conversation short and said goodbye. He seemed like he was surprised. I got a message later last night before heading out to dinner from him telling me to "behave and enjoy yourself." When I returned home, I received another message from him saying this: "I'm still at work babe. Hope you had fun last night - and weren't too naughty."

Received another email from Husband Tuesday morning: "I didn't sleep well. Thinking about us. I haven't lost you yet, have I? I'm reconsiderring...."

Now my H wants to know why I have not responded to his question. He says he misses me very much and apologized for his behavior for the last 2 years and his affair, which he says was wrong. He wants to know if it is too late for us. He said he loves me and that through all of this, I have been the most compassionate, understanding and wonderful wife. Well, I know that I didn't always react well and also share the blame for my mistakes.

I love who I am; but I don't want to go back to misery. Things would need to change if we want to move forward together. He did ask if there was anything I needed him to do in order for me to accept him back and asked that I return his email (if I wanted to); clearly he wants me to respond. Input friends - your advice is always appreciated.

What do I say - I am thinking about saying:

"I need to know that your relationship with the OW is over and that when you return, you will look for a new job, I need you to demonstrate that you are committed, I need you to be honest about yourself, I need you to open up and not cut and run when/if things get difficult, I need spontaneity, love, and fun. Can you do these things?"