Ok, I can�t believe that I am about to put this all out there but I think it needs to be. I am Bipolar and also have Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband has put up with a lot throughout the six years that we have been together. For the longest I did not seek out medical attention for my disorders which caused a lot of strain on our relationship. I have been both physically and mentally abusive to him. I have kicked; punched, slapped, scratched, and thrown my ring at him, bleached his clothes etc .I criticized his family constantly and held on to him so tightly that I gradually pushed his friends away. I also have told him that the only reason I even was with him was because I needed a father figure for my son who was from a previous relationship, that he was worthless, a nobody, and obviously that was all lies. Keep in mind that this started out randomly but eventually became weekly to sometimes even daily. I was very sick and did not fully understand my condition. We had made the decision to bring my friend into the bedroom with us shortly after our wedding. She had been staying with us for about a year and a half and my husband and I always wanted to try a threesome. Things escalated after that and right around Christmas time my friend and I got into it and she called the cops and pressed charges landing me in jail. After I was released I checked myself back into the mental institution for the second time. When I got out I was still very angry. My husband refused to talk to me about the situation because I was still placing blame on everyone else but myself. My friend was moved out into a shelter. My husband still communicated with her and brought her over to our place on weekends while I was at work. She was kicked out of the shelter and we brought her and her son back into our home. We had yet another threesome soon after that. A couple weeks after that she announced that she was pregnant. My husband and she were having unprotected sex while she was in the shelter. He told me that he was in love with both of us which later down the line he told me that he had only told me that to try to get rid of me. He refused to talk about the situation with me. I was vengeful and he gave me permission to cheat on him as retaliation. At first I told myself I don�t want to, but then eventually I did. The guy that I cheated on him with ended up having herpes. Thank God that I did not get that. The guy however, did make me feel special. He made me feel so good in fact that I ordered divorced papers and even told my husband that he can sleep with my friend as much as he wants as long as I can continue seeing this guy. The guy eventually showed his true colors and it ended up being just about sex. I then went through the whole you never know how good you had it until it�s gone. I realized that I truly loved my husband. That I wanted more than anything to keep my family together. He however says he�s done. I am now on my medication and seeing a counselor. I want us to also go to marriage counseling but he refuses to go. He wants us to be separated so that he can clear his mind, but I�ve been told that the only reason why he is agreeing to a separation and not an actual divorce is because he is scared of what I will do to his stuff and then at other times just to shut me up. I had ended up in the mental institution again after he took me off of his bank account and when I walked in on him having sex with my friend again. That was my wake up call and I have been doing nothing but trying to get better since. My son is out of state with my parents for the summer and my daughter is still here with us as well as my friend and her son. My husband sleeps in my son�s room rather than next to me and we haven�t had sex in two months. I have apologized and poured by heart out to him but he refuses all attempts to work on our relationship. My heart and gut tell me to stay here and that he will come around when he isn�t so angry anymore, but everyone else tells me to just move on and that its not worth this stress. I�m at a crossroads. HELP!!!

Separated, Some of the people here are wise from experience,but some of us aren't so wise, and none of us are professionals. On top of that written words contain only about 10-20% of the information that a face-to-face discussion contains because so much information is conveyed through tone of voice and body language. What your counselor and other experienced mental health professionals say trumps what we have to say. Keep that in mind.

One thing I think you can do is print out your post and read it when you're feeling centered.

Also, something to bring up with your counselor is whether staying in this situation will help you get healthy or whether it will get in the way of your recovery. Your mental health MUST be your top priority for your sake and the sake of your children.

Once you are mentally well again, then there will be time to evaluate whether to pursue your husband or to move on as a single person. Right now, it sounds as if fear of the unknown is clouding your vision.

I've struggled with depression off and on since I was nine. I remember when I was a young woman having to decide if I really wanted to fight the depression. It was part of who I was, or that's how I felt. Letting go of that part of me was hard and scary, even though that part was making me miserable. I still get the beginnings of depression but now I fight it hard. If I can't shake it after three days, I'm back on the couch and on the meds. I now view the depression as an alien trying to take over.

You may feel a little like I did way back when. You are leaving the familiar behind you. But, you can do this, and you will find out that you are still there. On the other side of this storm, there is a peace which passes all understanding.

I don't know if I helped. I'm very worried about making the situation worse. Just know we're praying for you.