You need to take practical steps to end the affair. Since you are here, and I take it you want to follow the MB guidelines, you must use the step-by-step approach laid out by Dr Harley. You must deal with your job so that NC can be established and you must write a NC letter. You must take extraordinary precautions to make certain that OW cannot contact you.

Have you read Dr Harley's advice columns?

You and MM need to take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Share your results with each other, and talk about what it means to meet the EN's of each other.

You talked about how you want MM to have sex with you without seeing it as a chore. One way to do that is to meet MM's Emotional Need for Affection, and for you to understand that conversation and romance go hand in hand for women when it comes to sex. We want to have sex, but it is not so much physical for us as it might be for men. Lots of the game of sex for women is in what leads up to having sex!

I'm going to tell you this, and you need to think about it.

When you were seducing the other woman, you made advances on her. You sweet-talked her. You treated her in a certain way in order to impress her. You spent time with her, talked with her, listened to what she said as though she were the only woman on earth. You laughed at her jokes, and made jokes of your own. You made sure that you looked good, you smelled good, and that you were on top of your game whenever you were around her. You made absolutely sure that your body language with her hinted at sex, and that your words were kind and gentle, that you helped her out, that you showed her you were a gentleman, but that you were also strong and sexy, too.


You did this in order to send the sexual message to her. To get the OW thinking about sex with you. To get the romantic juices going. You took the time with OW to make that happen.


And OW responded.

Of course!!!!


Now, if you spent JUST HALF THE TIME doing those things with your wife, she also would respond.

Think about it. Your wife ALREADY LOVES YOU. Your wife is already attracted to you. The job is already nearly done. What you need to do is kick in a little extra to make your wife feel like you are romantically interested in HER. That extra time takes the "chore" away, DRO. It makes your wife feel like she is not a booty call to you, but someone you love, and someone who is worth the time that you spend with a loving touch, some conversation, smelling good, looking good, a date, and some talk throughout the day leading up to the SF adventure.


That's what makes the difference between the chore and a loving sexual relationship. Often that can be lost because it is just routine to come home and there's the spouse, the routine, the same old person. It doesn't have to be that way, because YOU can make it NOT BE THAT WAY. It only takes one of you to change it.

that is YOU


you change it


because if you control what YOU do, the entire marriage changes



change yourself and see if I am right or wrong



you change


and you will come back and say


wow

that old bus was right.



Schoolbus

Yes she is!

DRO,

The poster MelodyLane copied Dr Harley's words to someone else here today. She hasn't told me off for doing this before, so I'm going to steal her post and put it here.

This follows from what I said above about following Dr Harley's plan very precisely.

DRO, are you being honest with your wife? Can you please explain here about the porn sites she found on your phone? Now is the time to come clean FULLY about everything.

The porn on the phone was just that porn on the phone. I have a job were I spend extra ordinary amount of time with the people I work with I have gotten really close with a lot of my male friends I just got a brand new phone and I was showing my new phone off. One of the things I said was I can even look at porn on this thing. That was followed by someone saying oh really prove it so I did. I opened up a few websites before I got to one that showed a video that actually played. Yes I know not the smartest thing to do I see that now, when ur trying to recover from an affair. Where I work things like that are actually quite common and I know most of u won't and refuse to understand that.

The chat room website I did not purposely go there. I have no reason to go there and try to talk to anyone. I am 100% concentrated on my marriage and my kids not on trying to re-establish contact with other woman. As easy as it was to strt the affair is as easy as it is for me to stop it and not worry about ow.

I'm not depressed over other woman or depressed over ending the affair. Actually after my wife found me out and we started working harder on our marriage I have been quite happy having feelings that I haven't felt in years for my wife. Now for as far as me not grieving for my aunt given just a couple months to live, what the hell, she has always Been there for me always took care of me when my mom was or wasn't around. She is the youngest of all the sisters and yet she is in so much pain and she is trying to be strong, up until yesterday I thought her chemotherapy was working that's what she always said when I talked to her . So yes I was trying to keep everything separate from each other this is why I was trying to grieve bymyself last night and not have wife there because I didn't want her feeling sorry for me or try to use this in any way and make her Feel guilty in any way but that was not the way it was taken. But to say that I'm not grieving because of my aunt that was just wrong, I will be able to pretty much handle a lot of the tough love you all throw my way but I can't handle things like that.

The message that wife found through her investigating was just that a message a draft that at one point in time when the affair was in full swing I was goin to write ow a text and for what ever reason didn't I backed out of the message and it saved to the drafts. Now I went through my phone and deleted anything that had to do with ow or so I thought. This morning before I left for work I started to put my whole schedule on my calendar that my cell has, I was running late so I decided to write a text to my wife wit the rest of the schedule info on it because I wanted to leave the paper at the house so wife would know my schedule for the day. The text that I wrote my wife I didn't send because I wrote with the purpose of keeping it as a draft so I can check it later for schedule info. When I went to check it later in the draft folder I noticed that there was a blank draft with ow number ( I don't have # memorized just recognized first 3 numbers) I already told wife that I erased everything that had to do with her of my cell so I erased that draft. Somehow it showed up on her report that she checks as a sent message, all I did was delete the draft I didn't send it nor wish to send it nor was trying to hide anything.

Like I said I have been enjoying greatly my time with my wife this past week and I would not jeopardize that now, especially since we r moving in the right direction. My focus is on my family not ow or even my job. I have been leaving my job as early as I can. I don't try and stay and fix everything anymore I let the others do their part.

Sorry I haven't posted as much I still have to work a lot. I'm at work now writing this on my phone, if it sounds incoherent let me know and I will edit It.