One of the best lessons MB teaches is that when it comes to affairs, the wrong people are embarassed.

You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

But I hope you understand one thing: Men like your WH and women like his girlfriend absolutely COUNT ON everybody else feeling just like you do.

They rely on the fact that everybody else - even the spouses involved - will be too embarrased, ashamed and humiliated to do or say anything to stop the affair.

The cheaters know full well that nobody will have the backbone to say anything to them, so they feel free to just relax and enjoy their cheating in peace. This is why they often flaunt what they are doing and, sometimes, all but rub it in their spouse's face.

You've got to change that. We all do. THIS is why MB pushes so hard for the Betrayed Spouses to expose the affair to everybody and their sister - because then the cheaters are no longer protected.

As is often said here, exposing the affair is like turning on the lights in a crack house. It shows the affair as what it really is - dirty, disgusting, and damaging.

Exposure destroys the fantasy of the affair by busting down the protective walls and letting in the light of day. It's like suddenly exposing a vampire to sunlight - the monster kicks and screams horribly, but then dies.

And it may just leave your H (not your WH) in its place.

Stop being embarrassed. It's your WH who should be deeply ashamed of being a liar and a cheater and a man who neglects and harms his family.

The only thing you would have to be embarased about is if you continue to protect a couple of cheaters by keeping their filthy little secret for them.

I do understand the initial post-D-Day embarrassment.
I understand it because I remember it in myself.

If the embarrassment lasts longer than a short period of time, like a week or 10 days, I begin to suspect that the BS does not have the capacity to effectively work the MB Plans A and B.

Embarrassment is fear-driven.
Fear of what OTHERS might think.
For some, this is about as far as they get.
I stop trying to offer helpful suggestions when the BS would rather LOOK GOOD TO OTHERS than deal with the facts truthfully and with purpose.
The embarrassed BS lacks an internal locus of control.
Which I find troublesome.

In fact, I loose respect for the BS whose main concern is appearances.
I usually wish them LUCK, and bow out.

Sometimes they change, and some other MBer can help, but personally I cannot help because I cannot help those BS after I have lost respect.

I find that the BS who holds onto embarrassment beyond the initial period of shock and awe is immune to my assistance.

I remember thinking (several days after D-day) "God, people will judge me because I was not a good enough wife to hold on to my husband"

And then it dawned on me "My husband was not MAN enough to tell me there was a problem before hand"

That was his failing, not mine.
For the record, I exposed on D-day, but still felt some humiliation that my "perfect" Marriage was not so perfect. But for the most part I realize my M is more important than how things look.

I do not recall being embarrassed. I told my best friend immediately, in fact I had been talking to him as I was working to figure out what the deal was here.

Embarrassed? Not me but I know GM is and should be. I hope any embarrassment he feels or has felt continues to be a part of him every day. Not for torture but to guide his decisions. He now knows he is not immune, he must take responsibility for his decisions. He also knows what Karma feels like in a big way. Nothing like learning all of what has taken the rest of us most of our lives to learn and use all in one fell swoop.

His ho's? Well they are Ho's after all. They gave their souls up a long time ago.

I recall feeling embarassed.

I recall feeling like *I* was the failure.

I recall feeling that I was not a 'good enough' wife to hold on to my husband.

It was my nature to take the 'blame' and internalize it. I was SO ready to take responsbility for *MY* part in not protecting my marriage properly that I let Drac off the hook for WAAAY too long.

And yes, they used that to the advantage of their affair.

No matter how you FEEL - Follow the Plans & Expose.

It was unfortunate that I went to another marriage site first that advocated being your WS friend. Not to talk about the A, sorta of a Plan A with your head in the sand. They even suggested helping them to move out and set up their new place.

The thought process was that the A would burn out on its own eventually and that the M would be restored. Big Mistake.

The A started in 7/08 and I did not find this site till 12/08. By that point XH moved out and I was still trying to be his friend.

I came on this site and got hit with 2x4s big time. I was quiet about the A which was going on at work with all of us working there because I was embarrassed and worried he would lose his job. I exposed in January and it was already way past the time for impact. Neither lost their jobs.

Regrets absolutely. If I knew then what I knew now I would have blown the A out in the open as soon as I found out. I almost have a breakdown keeping that secret.

I rather be embarrassed and exposed earlier than lost my M.

I think a man will be much more embarrassed by a WW.

I've been thinking about this thread for a while.
( BTW, hello Mulan. hope you are well. )

I couldn't say that I was embarrassed by the A, that's much too weak a word. What I found hard to face in other people was the assumption in society that 'it takes two to tango', 'nobody leaves a happy marriage', 'these things are always 50/50', 'yes, he had an affair but who knows what he had to put up with' etc etc.
Even Dr Harley says that affairs happen because the BS does not meet the ENs of the WS.
And WH jumped on these assumptions and milked them for all they were worth. He refused to be specific about my failings, (once when pushed he complained that I read too much in bed instead of talking to him) Prior to D-day I tried over and over to discuss things but he just kept telling me I was paranoid (I started to believe him.) and said that he was fed-up of these 'heavy' conversations.

For months and months, I tortured myself wondering how I could possibly have been, to any significant extent, responsible for what happened. WH told everyone that we had major problems in our M before (funny that he never mentioned this to me), that the arrival of OW was purely incidental but that out of respect for me he didn't want to go into the issues, suffice it to say that he was prepared to share the blame for the end of our M. (Big of him!)

And this was a message that lots of people like to hear, it sounds fair as opposed to saying that just one person is at fault. It allows them not to take sides and also to feel safe in their own marriages.

Now, I am at ease because I know that I did my best in that marriage. I was not a perfect wife because I am not a perfect person but I was the best I know how to be. I have now come to terms with the fact that the problem was not a lack in me but a lack in him.
But one thing the Dr Harley material has taught me is that I allow my giver too much space compared with my taker. I accept too much and don't put down solid enough boundaries. For a long time I cared way too much about what people thought but now I feel that I know what I know and only WH and I can ever fully understand the depth of his betrayal.