Rizos, the crazy Irish chick has got to go!! Look how that triggers him?

Melodylane,

I know, it's really bad. I'll setup a funeral for the Crazy Irish Chick, and let her go for good...

Just a question!!!

Will me moving with our daughters to our already rented house in VA, be yet again a Crazy Irish decision(independent behavior!!!!).

How should I tell him? Do I buy airlines tickets for me a DD's and tell him. I guess he could actually stop me at the airport for moving with DD's without his approval. I could go to jail!! I don't know how to do it, although legally, that's our new house at least for a year. I also got the keys....

What do you guys think?

I think that you had already planned on moving there together. It was a HUGE decision for you and it is the BEST decision for your marriage. I vote for going and inviting ElC to come along. Let him know that you want to save your marriage together and you need to get away from OM as your first step(he already knows this, but he has to know that that is YOUR choice NOW for your marriage).

I hope you can get through this. I am praying for you.

BTW, I would get 4 tickets to go. Let him make his choice. Hopefully, he will make the best one for your marriage.

I think you have a HIDE expecting anything from your H after what you've done to him

Scotland,

Thanks for your support! I need it. I'm alone at my sis house, and my mind is playing games with me. At one moment I'm eager to give my M a real opportunity, and at other time I'm like, I should just put an end to it, and let ElC walk away, and be happy with someone else...BUT, since he's the one who wanted to try MB program, now he's gonna have to suck it up, and stick to the plan. Cause you see, our M has not had a chance yet. We are not following the MB program as it should be, none of us.

I remenbered the day he disapered on me, I was exhausted of having done all the cleaning (my bad of course) I should have asked him for help, but I didn't. That night I was like, I should divorce him, how inconsiderate, he saw me doing all the work, I still have cuts and bruises and he just either stayed in bed or use his new cell phone. But later that night, I realize that how could I just give up and ask for a divorce, if I was not following the MB rules. Plus, I remmenbered that Melody told me not to do it, and I hate the 2X4's. So I thought, let's just calm down, and later on I'll let him know how I felt. Little did I know, that he had already decided to call it quits, when HE knows that He is not following the plan. He is not open and honest with Me. He just wait until he is fed up to explode, and franckly I'm getting tired of that too. So I don't know, I'm moving because I KNOW that that is what it's best for our M. If he wants to D, I'm find, that is his decision to make. We can always move back to PR if we chose to later on.

Are you ready to pick up the recovery of this marriage on your own for now, even if you get nothing back from ElC? Is your marriage truly worth it to you? Are you ready to do whatever it takes?

Have you read all of the threads on Plan A? Have you seen how the BSs have to try to meet the ENs of the WS even when they KNOW there is an A? It is KILLER, BUT it is the best chance. I would let Sandy, Steve and DrH guide you through. But, I do think that you should go ahead with the plan you already had. What else would you do?

Scotland,

I know, I should go ahead with the plan that We(ElC and I) had already planned. I could always call the moving company, and see if our stuff is still in PR, and contact the lady who rented the VA house to see if we can cancel the agreement. I don't know, I could just get out of ElC life and take him out of his missery.

But, I'll just stick to the plan, and look for more info on plan A, like you said. I could do plan A for a long time without receiving nothing back. I'm used to that, I was a Giver for at least 11 of our 13 years of marriage together. What it's worst, he love , actually encourage my IB!!! Pure Craziness! God it sounds like a pity party, again... I'll do it for us, and our daughters.

There is a common misconception that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I'm telling you to aim a little lower. If you meet his need for SF extremely well, I don't see how he would go through with the D. You guys filled out the EN questionnaire, correct? How high was SF up the list? How did he say that he preferred that need to be met? Don't talk about your relationship right now with him, just find opportunities to spend time with him not talking about the relationship and look for opportunities to seduce him. Most men cannot resist sex. If you are all over him, he'll probably say something like, "If I have SF with you that doesn't not mean we're getting back together," or, "I know what you are trying to do." You just respond back in a coy and playful manner something to the extent of "who said anything about getting back together, I just want your sexy bod." Then proceed to give him the best SF you possibly can. If you can get him to allow you to meet the need for it once, he'll definitely allow you to meet it more and more often, and you can slowly fill up his lovebank. Do something different than you've ever done before. Read a book. Get a new trick from a girlfriend. Ditch the missionary. You can still be Crazy Irish Chick, you just have to limit it to the bedroom. Don't get frustrated. Don't push the relationship too hard. Just find a way to seduce him and have him allow you to meet the need of SF. If you continue, the rest should take care of itself.

Jim,

I wish you were right, but SF is ranked #6 om HIS EN's list!!!! He wants to do the relationship talk(I don't). He only have sex with me, if he is happy. When he is not happy, and I try to seduce him, he REJECTS me, believe it or not. It makes me feel very frustrated. The problem is, that he is not honest with me. He doesn't tell me what he is feeling or need at the time. I guess he is expecting me to be a magician. I don't kmow... Btw, I do try different approches, not just the misionary. Thanks for your input though. As soon as I get him on board, I'll do the SF very frequently...

Rizos,

I have never responded to your thread before. I was wondering if you have read your H's latest post on this site? If not, I think you should.

He explains very very clearly why he has filed for divorce.

You and OM finally beat him. You both wore him down. Watching his friends get fired wears him down. Watching a company he helped build go down the drain wears him down.

Right NOW there is not a single thing in his life other than his daughters that brings him any hope or love. Thus, he feels he is cutting his loses but letting you go.

I have not posted to your H since he first came here, but I follow along from time to time. I read the last part of your thread and then went and read his.

He has paid a terrible price for what you did and doesn't think he can pay anymore, but he feels you will make him pay more if he stays with you.

If you want him to stay with you, YOU had better figure out a way to convince him he gains more than he loses by remaining by your side.

I am sure SF is NOT the way to go, because he is so depressed. However, I am sure you touch, you finally "getting it" which you don't seem to have done, would go a long way toward saving your marriage.

You need to change your perspective and realize your H is a beaten man right now and he has nothing left. He needs some help can you help him?

Think about it.

JL

I just read an msg that ElC sent me last night. I can't help but wonder if this was all a joke. I feel like he was just planning a vengance all along.

It's pretty obvious to me, that recovery would have never started until after we had moved out of PR. But judging by his current last blow, I just can help it. He was just waiting for me to come out of the fog to deliver the big and final D blow.

Still, I'm not calling the move off. We went to VA to setup evething just practically a WEEK ago. If he wasn't sure, he should have not go ahead and done it. I'm calling a lawyer to find out if I risk losing custody for moving out of PR with DD's. I don't think so, but I'll double check. Our new legal addres is in VA, so I don't think there should be any trouble.

I'm ready and prepared to take care of ElC, even if it means a final D down the road. I just can go into recovery thinking that in a year or 2 it might not work. I'm giving it all...While being in PR our relationship never had a chance. I'll keep fighting for our M till the end.

I hope that you don't try to take his children from him.

Why not demonstrate some real remorse and say I understand that I've hurt you and that all you have left is your children. If he wants to be with them, and not you, then let him have his children as much as he wants.

You've already destroyed enough of his life, his business, and watching his friends get fired. I do hope you would not try to be the primary custodian of his children as well. That would add insult to injury if you sought primary custody of his children and then support.

Tell him that you don't want to take that away from him and you'll wait while he heals.

It would be best if you all didn't separate. But if he's had enough, at some point you have to respect that he's an adult and he knows what he's experienced and if he's willing to experience more, or stop now.

If he's really had enough, then please, don't hurt him further by trying to take his children away from him. He did nothing to deserve any of this.

Rizos, JL is exactly right. Your H is beaten down so much he can't take any more. And he sees no end in sight. He has lost so much. I don't imagine reading this thread gives him much hope when you blame him for doing this after you have said you would give up so easily. This is just the reaction of a man who has been abused beyond his endurance, my friend. He has been hurt so bad.

The only suggestion I can make is do the best Plan A you have in you for a while and see if this turns around. That means you avoid all lovebusters, ie: independent behavior, disrespectful judgments, everything and do your best to meet his needs. I would get to work if you want to save this, Rizos.

EE,

I have never tried to take our DD's away from him. It have never crossed my mind, that has never been an issue.

He is the one that ever since we move back to PR has wanted to move back to US. I'm only moving to US because is what is best for HIM and the only oportunity left to recover our M.

I have NOTHING, nor want to move to the US, although for my M, him and DD's I had enthusiastically agreed to move. And I'm very eager to do it. He can easily find a job in VA, plus nevertheless if he still continues with D, it will be easier for him to heal outside of PR.

Me, me, me, me, me. Do you not realize that your DH is laying by the side of the road bleeding to death and you're driving AWAY from him saying follow me, I'll fix you up when we get there and if you don't follow, then oh well, your choice to die? Stop the car.

He is hurting NOW. Do you even recognize the magnitude of HIS pain?

Don't take his children away from him.

Rizos, you are going to have to kick a Plan A in HIGH gear and HOPE to draw him back to your marriage. BUT, you will need to make sure that you are ready to continue it after as well. You can't just go through the motions. You will need to actually CHANGE who you are and what you are willing to do to make your DH happy and fulfilled. Can you do this? Are you willing? Because if you are not, then you should let him go. You should be willing to do whatever you need to to make this up to him.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself and you need to SHOW ElC through your ACTIONS.

I will say that I cringed when I read that you were thinking about Divorce yourself over something that was minor. You need to change that thinking. YOU are the one who through an A-Bomb into your marriage. To think that ElC needs to suck up to you while he is still so hurt is ridiculous. You're going to need to change your thinking for sure Rizos.

Rizos - continuing with this move is IB. It may have enthusiastically been agreed upon, but with POJA if the situation changes, then you stop. If one person becomes unenthusiastic, then you stop and renegotiate.

He no longer wants to go. He doesn't want the girls to go.

So let go the current plan.

Find a new one.

Let go the resentment over changing the plan. There is no resentment if your first and up-most concern is ElC's love for you.

Find a new solution. Don't keep barreling ahead with your way. That's what go you here. Change your behavior.

Vibrissa,

I could easily change plans and get a new one, that would benefit ME! Staying in PR won't benefit ElC, trust me on that one.

When I was foggy, I remenbered ElC making unilateral decisions(IB) in order to save our M. I appreciate him for that. I will do whatever it takes to save my M!!!! I know, that after we move, even if we end up divorce, we will be better of in VA.

The ONLY reason he would say that he doesn't want to move is because he knows that I didn't want it. For me, is just a matter of losing $10k to come back to PR in a future, if we chose too. $10k is nothing in comparison to losing our M...