Hello everyone, I'm a lurker coming out of hiding and most recently a WS (putting my armor on now :o). Here is a brief history and I'm hoping to get some of the great advice I know exists here. BS and I have been married 13 years with two beautiful children. We got married very young and as such have endured a lot in our 13 years together, both good and bad. We had drifted apart emotionally and physically (as usual right?!) and even though we both tried to fix it ourselves we couldn't. Four years ago while pg with my DD I found out that he was indulging in a lot of porn and had quite a few dating website profiles, instant messenger chats etc. Needless to say it was devastating but being pg and not wanting to be alone we slowly managed through it but never completely healed. The years of hurt went on as we continued to drain each other's love banks day by day (it was a joint effort to destroy the marriage). Of course the feelings of resentment I built up lead to the ever common feeling of entitlement that made me feel like I was entitled to "happiness" which sadly was at the expense of those I love most. I won't give the sob story of how lonely I was or how broken I was and still am because it's the SSDD and I realize that. So we are 4 months post DD and I guess not really on a plan persay but are working hard to rebuild this relationship and totally committed to it from both sides. We realize we both have days where we want to runaway but we have been able to talk about those on those days. So that's the history...

My question now, my A was at work with a coworker. I work for a very large company that has several divisions and after DD I took a job with another division in a different building and everything. But I still find it hard to be here, to walk around downtown and not be triggered by things. We live in a state far from where I grew up and where we have great family and friend support which makes it harder. I've told BS that I'd really like to move away from it and he agrees that we can do it someday but if we move he wants to be able to upgrade our house and such so he's perfectly happy here as it is. Can we make it past this still living in the same town, how can I help manage the triggers? Any advice?

It sounds like you still have a problem with being honest with your H about your feelings. The concept of radical honesty means that you tell him why you want to move. Don't hint around that you'd like to move someday.

Someday I'd like to move to. My W tells me she'd like to move. But I don't treat it like a priority because I have no reason to think it is. If, however, my W came to me and told me that we must move because staying is keeping us from healing and is causing her emotional problems, then I might make it more of a priority.

This is the problem with the way women communicate with men. Don't hint around. "Honey, I'd like to move from here."

H, "Great. Me too. Someday when we're in a stronger position financially or we can get a bigger home."

Versus:

"Honey I want to move away from here because being in this area and at my job reminds me too much of the other man and keeps us from healing our marriage. This is a big problem for me and I don't think I can truly let go of this affair if I don't move away."

That gives your H a bit more of the accurate picture instead of the beating around the bush approach.

Welcome to MB, TC.

I take it from what you say about triggers that you conducted your affair in or near your town. Does OM live in or near your town?

As things stand, you are not getting through the stage Dr Harley describes as withdrawal because you are continually triggered by the memories of your affair. Indeed, if you and OM still work for the same company, even if separated by department and building, you are still facing reminders of him through circulation lists, mass emails, internal publicity etc.

Have you had any contact, including by email or facebook, or through an accidental sighting, since D Day?

Dr Harley insists upon a job move where affair partners were colleagues, and a house move where they lived locally. He writes

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.


Coping with Infidelity: Part 2: How Should Affairs End?

You need to convince your H of the necessity of a move, even if it involves renting your own house for the time being. You also need to find a another job, or stop working, urgently.

Could you tell us more about the affair? How did it start? What was your relationship at work between you and OM - was one of you the other's supervisor? How long did the affair last? Is OM married, with kids? How did you conduct the affair - were there nights away, or conferences? What happened on D Day? Does OM's wife know about the affair?

Again, has there been any contact of any kind between you and OM since D Day?

Welcome to MB.

4months past D Day.
Please, tell us how D Day went down.
Were you discovered, or did you confess out of the blue?
Were you in love with OM?

If OM is married or has a live in GF .... does she know?

Have you and H done the MB questionnaires?
Have you been tested for STDs?

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice, this is such a great group of people! Sorry this is going to be long.

I�m trying to be as radically honest as I can and I know I can improve in that area. I told BS exactly how I felt with having OM so close, how yesterday when I was feeling unworthy of anything a trigger reminded me of OM (admiration is one of my EN). I know I�m strong enough to put the A behind me and my choice is my marriage and family but it�s hard to heal with that cloud of OM around, I�m exhausted from fighting this battle. BS wants to make sure we move for the right reasons and because it took so long for us to buy a house he doesn�t want to give up the one we own now unless it means we can move to another bigger house back home. I�m trying to find a way to make him understand the greatness of trying to get past this withdrawal stage. My foggy thinking is mostly gone, I understand now that true love is a choice more than a feeling and my choice is my marriage. Part of the move would be moving away from my only support here outside of the marriage who is a single friend that isn�t set on helping me stay married but more in the follow your heart mindset, she�s not Christian either which doesn�t help. All my solid family and friends with good values and encouragement are so far away.

To answer the questions, OM used to live in my area but he moved away. We both work downtown though only 2 blocks away. Although our exposure to each other is limited sometimes I see his name come up on a communication or my biggest fear of running into him while out on lunch. AP and I broke it off mutually which helped (his M ended due to the affair and initially he wanted us to run off into the sunset together, yeah fog I know). I think we are being careful to not cross paths and so far so good but I know at some point it�s bound to happen.

The affair (sorry this is getting wordy), we both worked on the same floor but different departments. We shared some common fitness goals, family issues etc. and became friends (insert obvious path here). We were both feeling like our M�s were over and talked to no end about that. It crossed the line quickly and we were in an A a month after the friendship started. It was mostly emotional, we spent a lot of time on lunch together either going out to eat or going for long walks, sitting in the car and just chatting (that�s when it crossed the line). No over nights, travel or anything of the like, it was more about admiration and emotion but we did cross the line.

Dday, his W hired a PI who took pics. She found my BS on facebook and notified him. I had already asked for a separation before the A went from friendship to A. After the A was exposed there were a lot of tears and threats and BS seemed even more determined to not let me leave. It was almost as if my A cancelled his betrayal in a way, he seemed almost relieved. I have never understood that but I�m trying, it�s almost like he just wants to forget the past and move on completely but I don�t know why I can�t. OM and his W sadly chose to D, neither one wanted the M anymore and this was their get out of marriage free card. He has a young DD as well. Was I �in love� with OM, well I guess it depends on how you look at it. I thought I was �in love� with OM and in a way I guess I was. It was that mystical physical connection that happens when something is exciting and new. He made me feel really good about myself which hadn�t happened in a long time, he challenged me in new ways etc. But through this process I�m learning that true love, life long love is truly a choice. You can be �in love� with anyone as long as you chose to. When I look at my life goals, I want to have a stable family that provides a good example to my children on what a real marriage is like. One that shows that people can have conflict and you don�t always have to be in love to love your spouse and broken people can be fixed. I want a warm home to welcome my family and friends and so much more.
What I can�t understand is why it seems that BS was and is so ready to move right past it all and not take things like a move serious. One excuse he said was what about my job, don�t I like my job and I said no I don�t, I don�t like feeling like this and a job is a job.

My biggest fear really is that BS and I will fall into the same trap that lead us down our separate paths to begin with. Without a good voice of reason in my friends and family around me I feel like the possibilities of the A starting up again are always there. We both had a hand in it and we are in such a fragile state right now. Can another other BS or anyone sympathize with my BS�s side and please give me some insight? I know I should be thankful that he's so willing to forgive but I want to make sure we fix our marriage the right way.

What betrayal are you referring to here, TC? Has your H had an affair?

Yes in a way, maybe that's part of the cloudiness still. When I was pg with our DD I stumbled upon a lot of porn searches online. I also in my further searching stumbled upon at least 6 different profiles on dating websites and IM chat logs (without the text just log on and off and screen names), I found secret email address and the works. He claimed he never met anyone, just looked at pics etc. He sought counseling for what was deemed a sexual addiiction at the time. Keep in mind this whole time our SF was nearly 0, I know the exact date of conception of both kids because it was so infrequent. I knew something was going on but never knew what and he denied it with every confrontation. After that Dday I was a pg emotional mess, we just moved into a new house we rented and couldn't afford to be a single mother. Life circumstances happened and we spent a great deal of time focusing on that and not on our M. As time went it on we just fell back into the same routine as before, a pattern really. The SF went back to like 0 but he claimed and still does that he wasn't doing the porn thing. Our M had been this way since his wandering started, his profile dated back 6 years previous so for 10 years now we've had a bad pattern. My friend was going through a similar situation who was OM. We spent a great deal of time talking about what's the right decision, stay and try to get through to BS's or D. It was then I realized I didn't want a marriage like mine forever and I "deserved" better so I asked for the seperation. My BS refused the seperation, out and out refused so I got even more angry. I took my anger and new found sense of entitlement and I crossed the line with OM. I know that nothing is justification for my A, I take complete blame, just wanted to set the framework.

So with that background, it almost seems like my A was a relief because we both had a black mark now. He doesn't ever really want to talk about A. He does a good job at trying to meet my EN as I try to meet his but the downside is he never tells me if I'm not meeting his EN's. We've done the questionaire and the 5 Love Languages so I'm trying to meet them based on those things as best as I can but without feedback I can't say for sure if I am meeting them. I feel like I'm crazy because he's been so great and accomadating, don't dwell on the past just move forward but I feel like this should be different. Again I don't have an entitlement for how this goes, it's on his terms not mine. One other thing to note, he doesn't see his past as a still relevent betrayal because it was done before he came to Christ and he's now walking with God. I try not to dwell on his past as much as I can and try to remain focused in the fact that I was the one who almost destroyed our M.