I've been dating a woman for a couple months now. I've actually known her for almost a year, but we intentionally held off on any sort of relationship until after my divorce was final. She's beautiful, highly intelligent, talented, and we get along nearly perfectly except...

In the areas of affection and intimacy, I have been a complete failure. I deeply care about this woman, and I really try, but I go into complete vapor lock when it comes to kissing, etc. According to her, I even hold hands stiffly and robotically, without even realizing I'm doing it. Kissing is even worse. "Cold fish" was the exact description I heard, and it perplexes me because kissing her is terrific to me.

She's not anywhere near the first person I've gone on dates with, and with women I didn't care so much about, there was no problem holding hands while walking, etc. It hasn't been an issue until now. I know it's not because of any shortcoming of hers, although my odd behavior makes her feel increasingly less attractive, because she really values what I think, and she cares about me too. She's truly an amazing person, and I'm on the verge of losing her completely because of this "anxiety", or whatever it is.

I need some outside perspective. Could it be fear of getting hurt again because this is the first woman I've really cared about, other than my ex, in over 15 years? Could it be the result of lingering damage from walking in on my ex in the act of cheating, even though I rarely think about it and don't even have triggers any more?

Most importantly: Has anyone else gone through the experience of loving someone, yet being unable to relax when it comes to intimacy and affection, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Thanks in advance,

Krazy71

I'm glad you found someone so wonderful and very sorry you're experiencing this setback.

I'm going through it now with my BF...he has anxiety and I tried to make him comfortable with me from the beginning...well the first few months after he got past the anxiety was wonderful, after that...nothing. I don't get it. I talk to him about it once in a while and he says he'll have to work on it but nothing changes. I realize now that it's nothing to do with me but something is obviously going on in him. I've tried to give him time and space to figure it out but still...nothing. We hold hands but he doesn't seem to be interested in anything romantic or sexual. He is 56...are you in this age category? Could it be fear of not being able to please her? Is it because she is so important to you that it matters more so hence more anxiety? I've been with my BF over a year and am just giving it time to see what happens...he's a wonderful person and we're very comfortable with each other.

My advice would be to talk with her about it and be candid...tell her what you feel about her and tell her how important she is to you and that you feel anxiety and this means so much to you. Chances are she'll cut you some slack and try to be patient and understanding. Make an effort even if you don't think it's quite "great". You might also consider a counselor...maybe they could get to the bottom of it.

Hopefully she'll realize how wonderful she is and base her esteem on who she is, not the response she is or isn't getting.

I should make a few things clear:

I'm 38, as healthy as a horse, and everything functions normally.

I do have some self-esteem issues, though I thought they weren't major. She does, too.

This has been ongoing long enough that now it's become a vicious cycle. Even if we're just eating or hanging out, the issue is the "elephant in the living room", and we are both keenly aware that it's going to become an issue at some point, and of course that makes things worse for both of us.

Krazy, is it that you yourself get really anxious and stiff? Or is it that this is just how you hold hands and kiss, and it's not really the way she likes to hold hands and kiss?

I really do tense up. I have all the desire in the world, but something won't let me relax. At this point the anticipation of being anxious makes me anxious, and I don't know how to break the cycle.

Desensitization!!!!

See if your girlfriend would be up to trying this. You just be affectionate over and over and over again. She's not to say one word of critizism, just to roll with it.

I hate the dentist, and hadn't been since before Mike, my H, died. I had to have over 6 hours worth of work done. My second day there was a long 4 hours. Usually in the chair I'm gripping the arms, holding my breath, etc. About 3 hours in, I realized I had relaxed. Nothing bad had happened. Everything was fine. And plus, staying that tense with no new negative stimulus just wasn't happening.

Maybe if you hold her hand, touch and kiss her non-stop for an entire weekend, you'll loosen up.

Counseling is a great tool . Hehe your my age. What are you thinking about at the time? So many things wonder through the brain at any given moment. Over thinking the situation, this was my problem.

Our therapist gives us tools for certain situations that come up to help us work through them.

I'm a little confused. Do you feel like everything you do is right (as the above seems to suggest), but she does not feel that way? Or is it that you also feel that you are doing something wrong due to the anxiety?

It sounds that to you everything feels normal (?). If so, then it sounds like she has different expectations of what "normal" should feel like, and it might be helpful to figure out what exactly she wants you to do differently. Is there anything in her background that would give you clues?

If you yourself feel that you are doing something wrong due to anxiety, then yes, the issue is more psychological than "physical", and it would be good to try to work on the anxiety, though I don't have any good suggestions there.

My gut feel is that something else is wrong with the relationship, causing this, and this is just the manifestation, but it's just a hunch...

AGG

I always listen to AGG's hunches. He's so often right.