I agree with atena. Did you REALLY read the WHOLE thread izitrong? How old are you really? AH, NM, I don't want to argue with a fool, makes me one too.

Traci I am not surprised you are still hangin in there gurl, you don't quit anything do you? I assume you know where the ignore button is for people right?

So how is H doing with his depression? Has he started to feel any selfworth yet? Does he go to an IC? He needs outside support besides you, but you know that. Maybe he needs to find a different IC, one that he picks, trusts and respects his values. How is his spirtiual growth? Is his God still a taskmaster to him?, or does he empower him as he realizes his blessings?

As I said before, he is blessed by you, but he must see it himself. Its not your job to remind him, even if you do it for his own good. Then he can be the man you know he is inside for you. As you know its a choice and it comes from within ourselves. That was probably something you allready are waiting for to happen in him and I commend your faith in God as you wait.

I am glad that you yourself are doing better. I pray that H will soon stop running and trust God to help him, and that he sees how much he is loved, without condemnation for his weakness as a human being.

Show me a man who has never made any mistakes, and Ill show you one who has never learned anything. We never stop learning about the grace of God either. He is allways waiting for us.

I am doing fine but H has bouts of depression and he talks to me a lot when this happens. He finally admitted that the past 18 months has been all his fault and that he lost his job because of his poor decisions. He even mentioned that he would probably be better off if he was dead when I mentioned that I was worried about his health. He did mention that he was not suicidal and what would he be like if he wasn't on antidepressants. He even mentioned that he had friends but not any that he could talk to and that they were just drinking buddies. Not long after this H got a raise at work and a new position and this alleviated his depression. The thing is, is that this won't last long. Right now I worry about me and take care of me only. I leave my H alone and just keep my lips zipped.

H told me last night that he has found a place to live and is leaving Friday. He told me he loved me as a person and that I am his best friend. He wanted to know about us. I told him the same thing I told him before,"all or nothing" and I mean it. Guess I'll be back in Plan B again. I cannot be around him and not hurt and I am tired of hurting. So on Oct 22, 2010 I will be single again. If he wants a divorce then he will have to file and pay for it. H said I can have everything.

I am sorry to hear this PR but it is better this way than having him around the house like a zombie.
I know that if I had not kicked out my WH soon enough he too would have found a place and left
As far as you know he is not seeing OW, right? But I think he might be still thinking of her or seeing her...who cares now. Now you are in plan B.
Why did you H ask you about us? What does he want from you? Frienship...?
You did the right thing. YOu are better off without him, I have followed your thread and it was a death of a 1,000 cuts for you.
You deserve some peace and your personal R.
blessing

So what will give him comfort now? Is he still drinking or will he seek counsel from a professional instead?

Your faith has kept you and will continue to traci. Time to celibrate life and the people who love us.

Peace to you.

My H is an idiot but that is okay. He will eventually learn what he has lost and I don't mean money. He is going to learn this time that he has definitely lost his family because he has no one to lean on except his drinking buddies and he has already learned that he has no one but me. He told me this weeks ago. Our daughters really have nothing to do with him unless he gets hold of him or they are with me. He tries to get them to go out with him and they always come up with an excuse not to mainly because they think he is too old to go out to the bars or clubs. I know that his life is empty and and meaningless, he will eventually realize this. I am not worried about anything. God will take care of me and everything else.

Still hoping and praying.

Hi PR, good to see you checking in.

Your WH has to fall from grace on his own, and he will fall hard. Only when he reaches bottom will he have to pull himself up. He has to realize what we all know...he is to blame totally. There will be no one else left to point his finger at.

Your daughters are smart women, if they decide to see him hopefully it will be over a cup of coffee. Last place he needs to be is in a bar with his daughters.

I have followed your story and i know it is not an easy path. I hope you find peace. Blessings.

H left me again Oct 22. He found an apartment. It is a 2 bedroom apartment that is income based. I heard that the apartments are nice. The only problem I have is is that my DD 20 has moved in with him. My H and DD 20 kept it from me. I found out she was moving out and in with him the day she did it. Boy, did that hurt. Did find out that my H told her not to tell me. When I talked to her this past Friday night I found out about everything and told her that she and I have always had a close relationship. I told her that she had always told me everything why not this? I told her that by sneaking around behind my back and lying to me was being like her father. She promised me she wouldn't do that again. I am not worried about her. I know that she will move back home.

Even though H has moved out I know that he will come back again. Just about everyone says they are glad he left and that he won't even come back. There are several who say just to watch and wait because he will be back. My DD22 says he won't come back this time. I said why do you say that especially since you told me a couple of weeks ago that you thought your Dad and I could make it. She told me because he had his own place. I told her he had his own place with the OW before. She said this time it was in his name. I told DD22 that she had to have faith. I have faith and I know that my H will return.

Still hoping and praying.

I know how you feel, Phoenix. I'm sure you said it all to him -- but he won't listen. He's like a kid running away from home. And each time, he runs a little further down the road. He KNOWS you will let him back when he's ready.

I did it, too. Five times he moved back and forth. But never to his own place. Always to OWs.

Maybe him in his own place is a good thing for him to come to grips with this midlife crisis he going through. A friend shared that her BIL got his own place when he was depressed and unsure that he wanted to stay married. Don't know if there was an OW. He and his wife started "dating." Yep. Meeting for dinner or a movie. Watching TV at his apartment. Soon a weekend trip out of town. She would stay sometimes at his place. My friend says this went on about 6 months. Her sister bragged that it was the best sex they'd had in many years.

Then he proposed all over to her. Said "yes" he was ready to stay married. He just needed some time alone to sort out his life. He WANTED to be married to her.

I'm not saying him being away is a good thing -- but maybe -- just maybe -- and since your DD is there, OW may never be there -- that this might be the kick in the pants he needs to grow up.

Good luck!!!

Thanks HH, I needed someone to give me a positive instead of a negative. That is all I seem to hear these days is the negative. I know that even though his rent is only around $650 a month he has to pay electric, cable and groceries. DD20 cannot afford to give him anything so she will be a strain on him financially. H still has credit card bills to pay and he owes money to friends that he had to borrow to pay his deposits on everything. I pray all the time for him to see the light and for God to make it difficult for him. Thanks again HH.

Still hoping and praying.

Hi Phoenix, looks like you got a trick instead of treat this Halloween.

This is the time you need to go dark dark dark. He needs to fall from grace without you standing in the background to either pick him up or say I told you so.

Hoping and praying is important but you need to pray for your own family and yourself. Need your OWN plan not attached to what he is doing.

You need to stop talking to your DD about him. Need to keep away from him. If he comes over you need to leave the house. Whatever it takes. They always look for the crutch that will prop them back up. Don't be there. Until he hits bottom he will be poison to you.

I will pray for you. I do believe in the power of prayer. My prayers have changed for my own situation. I ask God to turn XH's face towards Him again. Once that happens only then will they change their wayward behavior.

Blessings.

Many men don't "get it" until it affects them financially. I used to hear the phrases "it's cheaper to keep her" and "you can't afford not to love her." Now my WH is the biggest offender of them all and I know he's wheeling and dealing moving money from one account to another just to keep up this juggling act. It'll all come out sooner or later and it won't be pretty.

Eventually, the balls drop. If your WH has to strain every month to pay his bills, he'll figure it out. Just don't give DD any money. If her goal is to help you, maybe she can purposely spend a little more each month just to add to the pressure. ("Did I leave that light on all night, Dad? Oops, sorry.") Let her be the little woman for a while. Let them figure out the cooking and the cleaning and the bills.

As hard as this is, try to look at it as a well deserved vacation from being a wife AND mother. Let WH parent for the time being.

Just protect yourself financially, Phoenix. I seem to recall that you basically control the money in your household -- so that's good. Just take whatever you can -- even hide what you can -- so the two of them have to work at staying in that apartment.

And don't be too angry at your DD. At least she can keep an eye on WH. Maybe her being there will keep OW from popping by. Funny how these younger OW think they can run all over us but are way more intimidated when our DDs are around. And if your DD has a mouth on her, all the better. Let her defend your family for a while since you are on vacation.

Don't worry everyone. I am not going to help my H financially. I am not going to help my DD20 either my H will have to help her since she lives with him and I told him so. I am leaving him to his own devices. I do know one thing though and that he is not seeing the OW anymore she has been spending time with her XH. OW XH still loves her and wants her back and is trying to get back with her.

I want everyone to know that I not only pray for my H but for myself as well. It is because of my strong faith that I am doing so well now. I do pray that God has my H hit rock bottom. Once he hits rock bottom I think reality will finally set in. Until then I will live my life as I see fit.

Still hoping and praying.

Glad you checked in. I understand how you felt when DD20 went to live with him, but from what I know of you and how well you must have taught them, I also feel there is something wholesome with it too.

What was said above about OW meeting DDs is true too. The OW will have a hard time being comfortable around her.

Maybe this is a chance for him to really do some thinking and not have any excuses for his drinking/depression, and a chance to live up to being a Dad for his DD. Maybe he will seek help and counsel from God thru his people. We know all good things come from Him, and in that you can be thankful too if he gets better.

There will probably be challanges there, I hope they work towards good for all of you. I agree that you should stay dark and let him make his own free will decisions without it affecting you anymore. Meditate on the word and get some peace, you deserve it and we all can use it.

God Bless Phoenix

I don't have any contact with my H. I stay in contact with my DD20 because I know she will eventually come back home. Plus, she is my daughter and I love her and moving into a new place is something different. Once the novelty wears off she'll be back. Not worried about my H either. He is going to have to struggle to take care of himself and our daughter.

I am doing fine right now. I am picking up more hours at work and have cut back on bills so I have more money in my pocket. I am going back on a diet to lose the weight that I gained on Lexapro last year and I am going to go back to the gym. I can't wait. I feel good about my future.

Still hoping and praying.

Wowwie.

Pray, yes. But what is your new plan?

I know you got one in there somewhere....

Today is my H's 48th birthday. He was a butt so I told him not to worry about me contacting him and for him to not call or text me. Told him that I would sign the divorce papers when he got them filled out. He will get what he wants now. So Happy Birthday to him! I will do just fine but not him and he will realize this a lot sooner than he thinks.

I've decided to call it quits, but he has to file for divorce, I'm not. He made that decision for me today. I'm tired of everything. I will continue on with my life without him. I have no choice. I still love him but it does me no good. I am through and I WILL survive.

Maybe at this point you should file. He is one of the biggest bunz draggin' cake eater on this site.

You have to stand up for yourself. Have you at least talked recently to an attorney? Do you know what the divorce is going to cost you?
The cost you are paying in misery now is very high.

I am not going to spend the money on a divorce. He wants it he will have to pay for it. The cost now for a simple dissolution of marriage in Florida is $300. I want him to come up with the money. I am not providing him with anything. He is going to suffer on his own.

DD22 let her dad know last night that he hurt me and let him have it. H text me this morning to apologize for hurting me yesterday. I told him to go away. He said ok.

I did tell H yesterday that I would sign the divorce papers when he was ready to file. I am through!