My husband often mentioned "divorce" over very minor things, but he never meant it. It hurt, so the last time he threw the word "divorce" around, I left the house for a week. The next day, my husband told me he cannot imagine a life without me, but two weeks later, he posted online to look for other women.

He found a married woman and they have been talking for two months now. Ever since the beginning, she said "I love you" and all kinds of sweet words. My husband said since in his mind, I did not come back to him in time, so we were already over. He doesn't think he's cheating. He said he loves me and I can stay around, but I don't have to. He also starts saying "I love you" to her and feels sad that she is not available.

I am here because I know we both had faults, but we both know the marriage is a happy one overall. I still want to work on it.

I am afraid to expose my husband to people we know because he made me promise to not tell anyone. He will lose all trust in me. I am also afraid to give him an ultimatum, because at this moment, he seems like he gave up on our marriage. I don't think threatening to leave will do anything.

I wish I could contact her husband. However, I heard he does not really love her, yet he does not want to let her go. He's also a gang member, so safety is a concern. I wish I could tell him if he wants her to stay around, he should treat her with love instead of controlling her. This might not be of my business, but I think it's the only way to make her go away so I can work on my own marriage.

Thanks in advanced to all who give advice on what I should do now.

Hello CnB, sorry you need to be here.
I think you need to give us more information to go on.
How long have you been married?
Kids?
Some idea of the timeframe of these events?
How did you find out about the A?
Is it a PA?
No, he won't. Expose. Anyway, you're got it wrong. It's your trust in him that have been lost and that needs to be recovered.

Welcome to MB, CnB. I'm sorry that you have had to come here

There are not many posters up at the moment because most are in the USA and Canada. The board will wake up in about 4 hours and more people will respond to you.

In the meantime, would you please read this thread which has been put together to give advice to newly betrayed posters. Please answer the questions in the first post, and please read the links, especially to "Exposure".

You will gain a better understanding of Dr Harley's programme when you have read his Q& A columns, beginning with Coping With Infidelity: Part 1.

Please read, and the come back and answer the questions from the first thread.

CnB, what's your source on this stuff? Is it possibly just stuff your H told you in order to keep you quiet? (I'm not drawing any conclusions, but am just curious.)

Thank you, tully, SugarCane, and GloveOil, for the genuine and caring responses =)

SugarCane, I did read your link. Thank you.

I've been reading other posts, and nobody seems to give as much background as I will be doing in this reply, but I figured it's worth a shot so the reader can judge whether I stand a chance or not.

We've been married for four years. We are in our late twenties. My husband thinks he has problems because he complains about his life everyday (even though he's had a pretty comfortable life because of his wealthy parents). He also has a short temper, and the closer he is to someone, the more likely he is to let his temper go and snap at that person (and I happen to be the closest person to him). Another thing is that he said I am the most attractive woman he's been with, but he realized he's losing sexual interest in me (I've tried to make him interested, but he refused possibly due to embarrassment). However, he's still hooked on pornography. Therefore, he came to the conclusion that it is better to let me go when I am still young and wanted. He said he does not want to be responsible for my miserable life (which I do not think it's miserable, but he said he's seeing things in the future).

Then why went online to look for other women? He said even though he knows his personality is meant to be single, he does not want to be alone either. Also, I was not good with being subtle. When I did not like something, I always told him directly. I think I hurt his ego greatly. I also enjoyed having intellectual conversations with him even if we did not agree. I did not realize those conversations were frustrating to him.

We do not have any kid, but we have a dog. I know that sounds silly, but when I left our home with our dog, he kept on emailing me and said he misses the dog, so I do think he's attached to the dog.

It was the beginning of May when I walked out of the house. A week later, he posted online to find other women. Around mid-June, he confessed to me he's interested in that married woman. In the beginning of July, they went out on their second date, and the husband left a somewhat violent voice mail on my husband's cell. After that, I read my husband's email, and one of the emails to her said he just misses her too much and it's hard knowing he cannot be with someone he loves. They are still using online messengers at work. They call each other on work phones everyday too. He told me she tried to have sex when they first met, but he held her off.

Some background on the other woman (this is purely what she told my husband):
She never went to college and she always talks to him like he's "Jesus" (she even used that word herself). She said he is really interesting and sounds very smart. She was forced into marriage when she was in high school due to pregnancy. In her ethnic background, the wife always has to listen to the husband. Her husband also talks to other girls, but he tries to control her. After her husband found out about her second date with my husband, he called her whole family and they had an "intervention" in which everyone scolded her. Therefore, she does not think anyone in her family stands by her, and she's ready to leave even if that makes her an outcast among her people. It scares me that she's leaving her husband..

Last night, my husband and I happened to have an intimate talk. He said he loves me. Ironically, he said he's easily replaceable to me, but I will never be replaced. I cried and told him what I think went wrong and that his rejection will not change my love for him. He said I should just get over him. He still thinks he did not cheat because we were "over".

To answer GloveOil's questions, yes, everything I know about her is told to me by my husband. I think my husband trusts me as a best friend and he does not think I will expose, so I don't think he's lying about the gang thing. Her husband's swearing and violent voice mail was a hint too.

I know most people will tell me to expose, but I am still so scared. He always hated it when he thinks whatever update I posted on Facebook was about him. For instance, he said when I posted "sigh" on my status, that was the final blow to our marriage because he told me not to write anything negative about him (and it was not even about him). If such a minor incident could be a "final blow", then I don't know what exposure can do to our marriage.

I know I have not mention any good things in this reply, but there were good things and I know I will be happy spending the rest of my life with him. However, it seems like he is already detached and thinks we are over. Do you, the viewer, think I still have a chance?

I don't know if this piece of information helps, but we are going to Vegas next week with his family..

CnB,

This is great, this gives us a good idea of what is going on. And well done for reading up on the MB material. I have hope here, not because of him and his actions but because of yours. You are starting well.

Maybe you are too 'involved' to see just how illogical and 'foggy' (MB-speak) he is but somehow your instincts are telling you this is crazy talk.
You are 'too attractive' for him, he needs to leave you for your sake to avoid you being potentially miserable in the future !?! He thinks he should leave his attractive, intelligent wife for the desperate, uneducated, isolated wife of a dangerous gang member who is looking for a man on internet dating sites ?!? (what the...) And what's worse he probably is making this sound reasonably plausible.

Firstly you have to stop listening to him, he will drive you crazy. He is in an affair-addled stupour - just say 'yes, dear. Of course. Indeed. Now, give me the keys of the car, I'll drive.' In one ear and out the other.

No, it's because he's getting it elsewhere.


IMO, but others will chime in, I think your WH (wayward husband - you are the BW: betrayed wife) is suffering from depression and this is the root cause of his A. I see this also in the fact that he can't come up with any decent reason why he is unhappy in his M. But this is a problem for another day, right now you need to talk him down off the roof.

Of course you are scared, this is par for the course. But you still need to do it.

This is Fogbabble. Let me translate for you. 'I have no valid reason for blowing my M out of the water but I have to come up with something and this is the best I can do.'

Expose to everyone, his family, friends, the OW's husband (don't get too bothered by the swearing - most men would swear when warning off a man who is sleeping with their wife)The underlying message you are giving is something like 'WH is doing this crazy self-destructive thing but I care for him and I want to save our M. Please help me.'

Good luck and keep reading the MB material.

CnB,

Welcome to MB. It's the most awesome group you NEVER want to be a part of. It's a safe place for you. To share, vent and create strategies to fight for your marriage if you choose to do that.

Please listen to what Tully is saying. Your marriage can survive the anger, it CAN NOT survive the A. So EXPOSE to everyone and anyone who will listen.

Also, again, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO WHAT TULLY IS SAYING. Your WH is just fog babbling. Nothing special, just the TYPICAL spew of crap that they do to justify what they are doing. Become very proficient in speaking reverse babble. It keeps them off and you want them kept off kilter.

Read up on Plan A, talk ONLY marriage, no D and EXPOSE.

And yes, you can save a marriage alone. But you have to be committed to learning about the plans, what drives affairs and follow suggestions even when it's hard or doesn't make sense.

In my own sitch. My H had been having an affair for almost 2 years before it was exposed. He moved out on D-day, moved in with OW and was gone, literally and emotionally for over 2 years. I worked a SOLID Plan A, DARK DARK Plan B, and we have been in recovery for just a year this week.

It's very hard work, but if you really believe that your M is work it and you want to fight, you really can recover and have a great marriage.