Hey SW, I think you should just sign the checks and then you'll REALLY be free. What does NOT signing them do for you? A little bit of vengence? I understand where you're coming from but I think you're making a mistake.

I agree. I am surprised you spend days and days trying to get back at him, playing little "I won't sign your checks" games. All because you want to take it out on him.

Just sign and let it go. Why drag out the thing. You are trying to punish him, this is the only reason you will not just simply sign those checks. It is your last realm of a hold on him. Your last bastion of a feeling (your feeling, not reality) of control over him.

We understand how you must hate him for what he did but refusing to sign these checks does NO ONE any good. It is a little manipulative game you are playing. By not signing.

If you signed those checks would you feel like you were giving up something?

The insurance company is required to issue the check to the policyholder. Which I assume was both of you.

I agree -- what are you getting out of this? Why are you not signing?

SW,

Sign the checks. But


Tell him to come and get his junk, bring the checks at the same time, because you have somewhere to go, and you are busy and cannot meet him at the bank.

Be dressed for a party. Do not respond when he asks where you are going, except to say, "I have plans with a friend for a party". Nothing else.


Then as he leaves with his stuff, you also leave. Go to a movie or somewhere. Just leave and let him see you go.
Plan it so that he picks up the stuff - all of it - and that you leave all pretty at that time.

A mind game, yes. But he gets his stuff and he leaves happy. You leave beautiful, and he wonders who the friend is. He goes home to OW, and what does he say????



"got the check....SW was going somewhere all dressed up....with a 'friend'....wonder who that is?"


And they have their little talk about YOU. In affairland, they talk about you. OW probably would love that.


If you want to mess with him, make it productive, at least!

Talked to the insurance company and they will not budge on the checks. They will not reissue without my name on them.

I have zero interest in doing anything to help XH at all. At this point I can barely imagine that I would stop and give him water if he was on the side of the road dying. I am angry and I am sad and my life was stolen from me. I apparently can't just 'sign' the checks. For some reason I have to go with him to the bank/mortgage holder and open a joint account with him for the purpose of settling this claim. Ridiculous.

He is suppose to have ds10 from 5:30 to 8:30 tonight...I asked him if ds could take his piano lesson across the street from XH from 5:30 -6:00...he said no. Then he says, 'if you want to meet me at the bank to deposit those checks ds can go to his lesson while we are gone (to the bank)'. Hardnosed about ds's visitation until it suits him to change it...I hate him.

He sent me an email saying he wants to take ds to the lake Saturday but doesn't think he can be back by 6:00 p.m. (visitation's end) He asked to be allowed to have until 9:00 or overnight. I said no, have him home by 6:00.

Did I mention I hate him? I keep living my life and hoping this intense hatred and fear of my future will go away. He has been gone for over a year now.

SM,

Settle the insurance issue...take care of business and then get dark. You hate him because of all of the contact you are having. All of the back and forth is going to kill you. STOP IT!

Do whatever you have to do to get the business of divorce over with and go silent. The only communication you want to be having is regarding kids.

For some reason you are allowing this to continue. Ask yourself why and then solve the issue. Do you WANT to hate him? Is that better for you than loving him and slowly getting throught the pain? In the end, the pain is still there, whether you hate or not. NONE of this hatred or anger hurts anyone but you and your kid. I know you would like it to hurt XH, but it doesn't.

The hatred and fear will go away, but only if you let it, in whatever ways you need to.

Sometimes the BS need the "fix" more than the wayward. Bad contact is better than NC.

I know you don't want to "help him"

I know you hate him

I know you know he is toxic.

The only way to get rid of being in touch with this toxic wayward is go to the bank, sign the papers and then you are FREE from him.

Go dark, very dark and protect yourself.

Do what it takes to let him cash the checks. Then have nothing more to do with him except for the kid stuff.

I wouldn't do it either if this is the way it had to be done. You cannot be forced to open a joint account.

If all you had to do was sign and be done, you might consider it. I don't think anyone should expect you to open a joint account no matter how brief it would be open.

I'd make him take it up with the insurance company, it's not your problem.

It's his problem, let him do the work to find out a solution that does not include opening a joint account. That's just me, though, and I'm ornery.

I totally missed this part. Do NOT open a joint account. I don't even see why this would be necessary. I have deposited checks that were written to myself and XH. We both just had to sign and be present during the transaction.

I still think you need to get this out of the way. This is NOT going to go away just cuz you dig your heals in, UNLESS the insurance company reissues the check without your name attached to it, and judging from what you have written, that is NOT going to change.

I haven't talked to the mortgage company...maybe I just have to be there to show ID that I signed the checks and he didn't forge it...I asked XH to assure me that all of the money was going to the roofing company and that he would not be receiving ANY cash in any shape or form....his reply said the check from insurance was for the amount of the estimate...that doesn't answer my question...soi I restated it and have not received a reply yet.

I've been walking around wondering why I am so angry...I just hate it that he is with OW and she is 20 years younger than me....I was young and beautiful when he married me...now I am 45 and my 'good' years are gone...People keep saying things like, 'He took your best years from you.' And 'you won't feel better until you find someone new.' I think the first thing is a horrible thing to say EVEN IF it is true and the second one I do not believe is necessarily true....I do know women who stay single after this sort of betrayal...but *I* don't want that. My friends assume I will remarry...They think I am attractive and smart and good.

Somehow I still want to hurt XH. I want him to hurt the way I hurt.

This makes absolutely zero sense. As you know I work in the legal field. A lot of our practice involves settlements through insurance companies. Never in my entire career have I heard of an insurance company requiring this. I could see where they may have "suggested" it but to "require" it?

If he is just depositing the check, you should be able to go to the bank with him, have the teller watch you sign your endorsement, and then they deposit it into an account. It could be deposited into ANY account for that matter as long as it has a valid endorsement.

I don't understand this.

He will...when she cheats on him, he will no the pain.

SmilingWoman

Judging from your timeline, things happened really fast from Dday to divorce. It's totally reasonable that you are still going through so much pain. The wounds are still very fresh and your XH keeps rubbing dirt in them.

Part of the reason that many MBers are telling you to go dark is to keep ADDITIONAL pain from being foisted upon you. YOu have so much to get past, and you cannot do that effectively, IMO, with more muck being thrown into the ring.




I thought that my 'good' years were gone, too. They showed back up! People who are saying those awful things just don't get it. I felt better before I found someone new. I also had nearly four years under my belt since Dday#1. Give yourself some time to get through this. Going darker can help you to heal.

I agree with Miss Lucidity 100%.

It's okay to be angry - in fact, it is HEALTHY to be angry.

Going dark will help that tremendously. Your heart can't heal when it gets poked any time there is interaction. It has to be sore after being treated like a pincushion.





I hate to use the old cliche' - but time really will heal. Use that time wisely to be who you want to be.

Joint account? No. Then he can say he put them into a joint account and then somebody spent the money that should have gone to the roofers.

I would go so far as signing the checks at the bank and requiring they make out a check DIRECTLY to the roofing company that you immediately take and SEND TO THEM in a large, already filled out envelope.

I would do it that way. That way he cannot spend the money on his ho.

Keep getting angry for a while. I would be furious. You will get past this and have a better life without that creep and his ho.

I question those who do NOT have anger after such devastation. I've heard women who have dealt personally with infidelity say to 'be friendly' for the sake of the children. I told them that's not how *I* do things. They can do what they like, but I refuse to teach my son that you lay down and take this kind of sheet off of people and even allow them access to you so they can hit your again....and put some stank on it!

That would be perfect - if you can get it to happen.

Of course, it doesn't stop him from getting cash also and then spending it on his ho. I think it is "extra" cash that is supposed to be for the roofers that she is concerned about. Then he gets cash AND the insurance check.

I would be sooo tempted to tell him:

"You are not spending this money on your HO!"

But do not do this. It would not be good.