thanks Neak. I was more not posting because...I think I'm still in shock. I'm numb. The only thing that gets through sometimes is the pain of how unfair and selfish he's being - and then I go numb again.

OW H and I re-opened contact. We had stopped after the NC letters were sent, but now it seems we need to keep talking. We are in agreement on one major thing - that no matter what else, we DO NOT want each other's spouses in our lives. Apparently OW's kids have been told not to tell their dad when WH comes around (total of 3 times so far...) which I think is horrible - but it's not my family or my business.

I haven't done anything yet. Got really close to packing and leaving a couple times - got out the suitcase and started putting clothes in (most recent being this morning), and then I'd just look around the house and fall apart weeping. It's just not fair.

WH says he isn't sure yet what is going to happen between us, whether he wants to stay or go. I can't even think about it but I know that right now, I would willingly sacrifice my own happiness for OW not to be in my life. After I sent that email to her, one of her replies said, "You will be dealing with me for the rest of your life, you'd best find a way to deal with that for the sake of your children." I wanted to stab her. I WILL NOT allow her to be in my life or my children's lives. EVEN IF I have to suffer and put up with pain until she is permanently out of the picture.

This is probably totally misguided. Please feel free to give advice. My head is just whirling. And my heart is just so painful. I hate him too for what he's done to me and our family.

Plan B again please. You need it hun. I know that it is hard. You did it before. Do it again. This time, he doesn't come back until it is a done deal. You need a break and some time away. PLAN B PLAN B PLAN B.

NP,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The pain in your post is palpable. You deserve so much better.

What really pisses me off is that you should be overrun with joy right now due to the arrival of lil bean. Your WH is one of the lowest, most cruel I have seen. I have little tolerance for waywards and even less for POS waywards that run out on pregnant wives (or ones with newborns).

Please get into Plan B. You know the MB principles and you know that Plan B is the right step for you right now. If you were advising somebody else on the board you would be telling them to go to Plan B right now wouldn't you? You need to get out of this cycle of pain right now and focus on caring for lil bean, DD and yourself. Plan B is the best way to do that.

Hang in there NP.

You are giving those two wayward aliens full control over you and your life, over the wee ones by default.

You have all the power in this situation, you just are not using it. YOU decide whether he stays or goes (GOES!), YOU decide when he leaves (today, or tomorrow at the latest), YOU decide whether you will allow him to contact you or not (NO!!!), YOU decide when he gets to come home (when he is ready to go NC, totally commit to the M, and move).

It's all you.

Every day that you wait, he loses even more respect for you, and the harder you will have to work to overcome this.

Hi NP,

Maybe someone on the board can remember the BS user's name from Texas. She was pregnant with her third son when D-day/her world blew up.

As I remember it, her WH would seriously torment her with calls/cruel conversations etc.. I believe there was also financial issue, such as she only had worked pt before.

She literally picked herself up off the floor, got at least one other job, did a dark plan B, prayed a lot and ended up stronger and happier than ever, even though it ended in D.

If someone could bump that thread for NP, it may help her to see someone in a similar situation and see how the outcome can be a good thing for her individually.

All the best,

ba

Hi NP, I don't know how to link her thread but her name on the boards is intexas.

Take a read of her story, you should find it helpful and inspirational (hopefully!)

All the best,

ba

Here's the link to intexas' Plan B thread:

Plan B starts tonight - scared as he**

You can find her other posts by doing a search for "intexas".

I haven't finished the thread yet, in the middle of reading it. I am always so impressed by the strength of someone who Plan B's.

I KNOW Plan B is the way to go. I agree with previous posts that since he will not leave, I most likely will have to be the one to disappear.

Maybe this is me buying time (a part of me feels it is, I feel so unready to have my husband gone from my life, even NOW - how sickening).....but I have a question. If I Plan B now, I Plan B at a time when he is disconnected and doesn't care AT ALL about me or our marriage. I think if I left tonight, he'd wave a cheerful goodbye and get on with his life. Things have bene rocky lately - isn't it better to leave with a good impression so the Plan B hits him harder?

What hurts the most IS that I should have been so happy right now. We have a beautiful new son, who's so perfect and precious, and we SHOULD have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary on Sunday. As it is, we aren't even acknowledging it and he says he just doesn't care about it or me.

I know I need to take action instead of letting this hurt control me and run me. I know this and I honestly feel contempt for myself, not doing it. I feel so unready for a life without him. When he's not around in the evenings, I can't even get my daughter fed on time and put to bed at a decent hour without both kids winding up screaming and me ending up frustrated and stressed. How can I handle EVERY DAY without him? Not only that, but .... I'm scared. I'm scared sh#tless that I'd Plan B and before I knew it, I'd be divorced and OW would be touching and contaminating my children.

I am so thankful for the support here, and I feel weak, not having done what I know I should - Plan B. I know you all are giving me the right advice. I feel so scared to DO it.

Since you will be in Plan B you won't know if he's happy or sad.

But since he's so confused and not anxious to leave, but can't make up his mind, he is obviously not going to want that decision taken away from him by you deciding to disappear.

Have a good, tough intermediary in place. That will be the biggest thing that will contribute to your successful execution of Plan B and letting wayward experience life without you before you lose all love for the man.

Are you taking good care of yourself - at least physically? Rest, water, food - love that baby's mother?

I kow how scary it is to go into Plan B. You feel like you are giving in, like you are giving up. Honestly, look at your life right NOW. Can you imagine living like this for the next 10 years? 20? You need to protect yourself and those darling little children of yours.

Take that step into Plan B. Have a great IM and stay DARK. The next time your WH tries to come home, set that bar HIGH. You can do this. It WILL suck. But, it will also be better. You HAVE to do this for yourself. It is part of the MB plans. Work the plans.

Going into Plan B is dreadful at first. We all adore our spouses to the deepest levels of our souls. We want to be with them. We invision our joy with them. Day to day love and support from them. Being without them is so very unbelievable to our hearts.

Plan B is good though.

It is making a stand. It is saying to ourselves. "I am strong. i am able. I will work through this. Indeed. I will"

You build up your self. After the initial dreadfullness of the situation, you learn to cope with the sadness and grief and how to build a proper future for you and your children. Yes, they will have a relationship with their dad but, heck, they know you are the constant source of strength. Hopefully the OP will not have access to them, but you can not let that be the total fear base keeping you from moving into action.

I don't know if you have any ounces of reserve to your plan A at this point. Maybe you do. If you can withhold getting involved in any talks that break down or strengthen his wacky waywardness. Only you know yourself.

When you do go to plan B......and it seems the juncture coming up here......

have first talked to your physician. Tell your doctor you (who have just had a baby) are going to need to separate from your spouse and know it is going to be a time of grief and the doctor needs to know so that you have a medical support behind you. You will need to know it is there. You will need that venue for the initial dread-imbedded time of taking your stand.

None of us like being in this position. I adore my H (not the WH guy). I adore him with all my heart and soul. But. In plan B.....I have discovered....woah....I adore myself EVEN more than I adore him. Who knew?! Not me. Wow.

Oh, NP, this is so sad and frustrating. It was supposed to be a happy time. Of course you're scared. Oh, and you're not weak.

I understand your fears about OW being near your children, but it sounds like you are at an emotional impasse when it comes to the marriage.

Mom to mom, would you consider staying with family for a few weeks....like 3 or 4 weeks? I think you need to be able to recover from pregnancy/birth in a supportive atmosphere.

My first two babies were 21 mos apart and it was a lot of work. I can't imagine caring for two little ones while dealing with infidelity.

Do a temporary plan "B" as in "take a break" for a few weeks. If you go dark, have a strong IM, and have help with the wee ones from family/friends, then you will recharge and feel refreshed.

You will be able to focus on your beautiful children and enjoy that precious new blessing! You have much to be happy for...a healthy baby boy and little girl, a pregnancy that resulted in a positive outcome in spite of all the stress...you are so strong, mom! You don't realize it. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor without others trying to steal it from you.

WH and OW aren't worth another moment of your energy. They can't do anything to you in regards to your children in the short term. it takes time and $$$ to get things going through the courts. Don't let them threaten you.

WH has made some stupid mistakes as a father. He took DD for 8 hours while he visited with OW and left you with a week-old newborn. He refused to communicate with you for 8 hours when he did that. God knows how often he's repeatedly left you alone with the children. Even if he were to file for S or D, his actions have given you a large supply of ammo against him and OW.

You don't have to put up with this while trying to heal from having a baby.

You could write WH a letter explaining that you are exhausted from giving birth and that you are taking the children with you while you recuperate at "mom's,friend's, etc". If he balks, tell him that the children are too young to be away from you and that you believe it's in their best interest to be with mommy. I don't think any court would see that as being unreasonable.

This way, your IM could filter communication, as well as monitor visitation. Because you have a new baby, WH will be expected by the "system" to "visit" where baby is staying. He'll have to go to where you have the children. You don't even have to see him; the IM or family members can handle that. Oh, and the IM/family can refuse him taking DD anywhere by saying it's too stressful since she's learning to adjust to a schedule that includes her new baby brother. This way, DD won't be exposed to OW while you're recovering and you won't be the "heavy" in enforcing visitation boundaries. (He'll look like a jerk if he tries to bully his way with your support network. He'll be acting unreasonable because you just gave birth and they are trying to help you recuperate.)

This would give you some well-deserved rest and peace and allow your body to heal properly.

You've got to look out for your health and well-being first, so you can be there for your babies. kwim?

NP,
Sapph and I are really pulling for you, we hope that your plan B will give you a break from the stress and frustration. We want you to focus on your little one, what a sweet gem. You have been in plan A for months, while pregnant! What do you mean you have no strength? If that isn't a picture of a strong woman I don't know what is.

Best situation is to go to plan B while he is feeling happy and still in an affair, but it's not always going to happen. You do have ~4 months of plan A behind you. The sooner you go to plan B the better, before your H forgets what you were like during your plan A in those previous months.

I honestly wouldn't give him a temporary plan B. I say make the most of it and do it for real all at once. Unless you want to try for a longer Plan A.

How are you doing NP? Just thinking about you and your precious kiddos. I'm sure many others on here at MB are as well. Hoping you are doing ok and hanging in there.

Ok, I'm back for a quick comment. Girl, Plan B NOW. Listen to all the advice. You need help with that little one, supportive, strong help. Please do this for you. Remember how sad and scared I was early on in plan b? I totally learned so much about myself in that month without H. I'm carrying that on to every day. I feel so much stronger than I ever thought I could. You need this, for both of your children. You have endured so much already.. You are so strong, you can do this. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear.

NP, once you get him out of the house and are in Plan B, it should get easier to deal with the children because one of the problems with taking care of them is that they are also feeling the stress. Take care of yourself by going into a deep, dark Plan B, and you will start feeling the peace that Plan B brings...and your children will, too!

(((((NP)))))

I KNOW how hard this decision is to make. You NEED to do this for yourself. DON'T stay away from us too long. Let us know how you are doing.

How's it going NP?

Hi everyone. I have been thinking so long and hard about everything WH and I have been through. He keeps saying how poorly I treated him and how I only have myself to blame for where we are now, INCLUDING his affair, and how I have no idea how to treat a man, etc etc. I thought about this so much - is he right? I began to lose myself and my self dignity, trying everything I could do make this strange alien stay, a man who, having once told me being in my vicinity made him euphoric and how he could never walk away bc being together felt like the universe was in balance.....this man now has betrayed the most sacred of all life's vows and now says he doesn't love me, can't stand being around me, and yes, HATES me.

Finally today he was offered a job out of town, given the choice between two other cities but at best 8 hrs away. As I had suspected he would do, he then said this is perhaps the natural end of our marriage and we should separate when the job begins (prob sept).

At first I cried hard and once again tried to convince him to work on our marriage. Then I thought about everything he said about me - and how I stood behind him all these last 10 years of my life, stood by him when he was finishing school, penniless, jobless, through this affair, through all the worst parts of his life, given him more strength and support than I knew I had in me.....and he wants to walk away from me and our family. How time and again I've sacrificed for him to make him happy, and he tells me I have never cared about him and that I am a "bully" by telling him to work on the marriage.

I came to a decision. I have more self worth than this. I will be the most fantastic wife he has ever known for the rest of the summer, and then I will let him go and Plan B him so hard he won't know what hit him. If it's the end of our marriage, so be it. I can't let my self dignity and self worth lower any further. This alien is not my husband and if my husband is gone for good, I will accept that and let the marriage end in September. I DO NOT love the man he is now, who betrays vows made before God and doesn't care, and excuses himself by saying, "God doesn't want me to be unhappy." This man who has become so full of selfishness and emotional cruelty that I don't even recognize him.

For this man, my Love Bank has been drained and gone into the red. So if our marriage ends after the summer, so be it.