Dunno, but reading thru this thread I see Rizos as being incredibly selfish....I thin Elcamino is doing the right thing, he is still young and needs a chance to find love peace and joy especially because he cannot accept Rizos for what she is.
Turnips are red but have no blood, in Italy we say: no use trying to take blood out of a turnip.
Sorry Rizos, you are what you are and your H wants somebody you are not.
blessing

Thanks, Atena. But I think this site is about helping Marriages, and that comment is not helping anybody. I was doing what I thought was best for our M. I was obviously wrong.

I will let him make decisions from now on, and hear what he has to say.

It might not be helping but it is not said that is wrong
At some point you have to do more than you have done so far to make it work and if you are not willing to nor is he...what is there to do?
blessing and I wish you all the best and truly hope Elcamino wants to save the M, but he has to accept you for what you are.
I am also criticizing him, not just you. At some point if you love someone you take them for what they are and you go from there.
SO el camino, accept her for what she is and love her no matter what

Rizos,

Do you think ElC just took your word for it and let you decide what to do when you were having an affair with his partner? That might be a blunt way to ask, but consider what would have transpired and what would have happened and where you would be if he had just let you have your way in all of this?

He FOUGHT HARD for your marriage, Rizos. If you want any part of that marriage now, it is YOUR turn to fight for it.

Mark

Mark,

What do I tell him. What should I do to even making him to want to talk about our relationship again. I don't want to screw it this time.

Rizos,

What you need to realize is that you can't make him do anything at all...

As for what to tell him; tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him and that you are sorry you screwed his life up. Tell him that you will wait for him to tell you what he needs you to do and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be allowed to try to make it up to him.

But what you say doesn't matter one bit unless what you DO demonstrates your willingness to make him feel safe with you. ANY IB will deplete his Love Bank faster than if you tried to pay off the federal deficit. Words don't matter any more. Only ACTIONS count. What you DO and not what you SAY will matter from now on.

What you have missed to this point, I think, is that no matter what you do, you are either adding to your balance in his Love Bank or taking away from it. Little stuff that seems unimportant at the time is like writing a bunch of small checks that still result in ending up with your account in the red.

Your affair has caused a serious overdraft in his Love Bank. He covered it with a loan but the minimum payment thing isn't going to get you out of debt and as interest compounds along the way, you keep falling farther behind.

Plan A for a BS trying to win back the heart of someone set on the destruction of their marriage is this:

Meet his emotional needs as much as he allows
Avoid all Love Busters

And have no expectations as to what his response might be to any single thing you do

That's really what you have needed to do all along, Rizos. It is what causes a person to feel in love with someone. You have learned what needs to happen but somewhere the actions haven't followed. If they had been there all along, then things would look much differently right now.

If you keep writing checks on an overdrawn account, the bank will close the account all together. Time to pay back all that was taken and see if the bank will open a new account. Whatever it takes as long as it takes is your only real choice if you really want to save your marriage. What you DO will determine if the bank is even willing to talk to you any more...

Words without ACTION are meaningless.

So what are you willing to DO?

I have a baseball analogy that fits, but unless you are a big baseball fan, it will be meaningless, so I'll skip it for now.

Mark

Thanks Mark,

I will start seriously thinking about what he needs, and forget about anything else.

He is just so shut down right now, that I don't even know how to break in.

Rizos,

You keep asking what to do. I told you what to do and you didn't even ask the obvious questions. My guess you want it your way, sad really.

God Bless

JL

No JustLearning,

I don't want it my way ANYMORE. I understand what I have to do.

Rizos,

What do you have to do? You tell us. You keep stating things as if you do the right thing it will cost you and be hard for you. In fact, doing the right thing will make your life better as well. If your H feels safe and loved, I will bet big money you will find happiness.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Tell me this isn't the sister that ElC sees as an enemy to your marriage!

Tell me you didn't take his surrender and shove this in his face!

Do you really have a clue what your independent behavior consists of?

If I'm wrong and this isn't the outlawed sister, I apologize. I'm just seeing way too much fear and not enough surrender on your part to a good solid thorough Plan A.

Rizos,

You had an A with your husbands business partner?
Despicable

You've emotionally RAPED your husband

You've cost him a business that he built from nothing.

He must watch his good friends get laid off and suffer.

How can you even sleep at night!

Please tell me why your BH wouldn't be well rid of you?

You need to ACCEPT that YOU are responsible for all of the above.

Then and only then can you consider yourself peeking out of the FOG

Risoz,

I am a FWW. After the last D-day my H said that he is done and wants divorce. And if I really wanted to stay then it would be up to me to show him that I'm serious about saving our M. So I started. Opened my eyes and cleaned my ears and started with seeing him, and listening to him. Started with how it would be like to just feel him. Someone has said that you don't need an university degree to care (but google about empathy). I read like crazy, MB materials, and everything else. I started to practice everything I read. I called my H frequently, asked about his day, his thoughts and feelings, invited him out with myself, and sometimes with kids, too, showed affection - touches, cuddling, holding hands -, which I initiated. I gave him surprise-gifts, I managed to get him something he really appreciated. I said I was sorry many times, I still do it. I practically surrounded him with good. It was awkward at the beginning, but it felt good - I knew that I needed to do it for him to start feeling good about himself again and safe with me. It took some time, but I started to receive some good response from him and it has never stopped since then and I guess we turned the M around.

You know, ElC needs to be protected by (old) you. Luckily, you can do it yourself - start caring and creating good things which he can associate with you. He sees you and feels bad, for him in order to feel good again, you need to start doing good things for him. Removing yourself from the situation you yourself created is not a good thing, it's cruel to go idle. It sends him the signal that you don't care enough to change yourself and to gird your loins for some serious action FOR HIM and this M. Maybe it would be easier for you to know that you will make this up to him for as long as it takes, so if you want to be engaged again then you have no other way but GOOD ACTIONS. Even if your M ends with D, at least you've DONE everything to save it.

Speaking about doing is still speaking. Speaking about how things suck is still speaking. Speaking about seeing what happens next is just watching and speaking. In this thread everything you've done is speaking. Speaking is easy, we are all good in theory, but practice is what counts, and this is the whole other thing, not easy at all. But completely DOABLE. Best of luck!

risoz,
I can see you are finally getting it....forget about you and start making your husband feel safer than he has ever felt with you......start to just look at him as a loving and caring man you married....you have put him through the ringer......... you have cause him a great deal of pain, make that mean something now, give it a reason to have happened......
make that reason, a better you and a better marriage in the end.........talk is cheap, actions are everything...........he has to see it from you, all the love you can send his way....even if it seems over the top, he wouldn't still be trying all this time, this man loves you.......show him......every minute.....ask him for a hug, tell him you need to be close to him and start from there. Don't let up, slowly he will realize that you mean what your actions are showing. Longevity is the answer to trusting and believing in each other again.......don't expect anything for yourself right now.....just love him

Niitse and jessitaylor,

Thanks for your comments. He still doesn't want to talk or see me. I'm giving him the space he needs, to decide if he wants to give me another chance.

I'm not going crazy about looking for an apartment or a school for the girls. I'll let him make the decisions.

I let him know through an msg, that as soon as he was ready to talk to me, I was going to be there waiting for him. So far, he has asked to see the girls, and he has got it.

I'll keep you posted...

KA,

No, I'm not staying with the sis that HE doesn't like. Nor I'm wearing my hair straight, or doing anything that could bother him.

Here we are again. YOU shouldn't like her SHE IS BAD FOR YOU M!
You still don't get it do you???????

ElC just came by to bring one of our DD's. I really want it to give him a Big hug, but I froze and decided to say Good Night, only. I'm afraid of keep making more mistakes.

I want to give him time, to think if he wants to give me another chance.

Sorry, myfamilyilove,

My sister HAVE NEVER been a bad influence in my LIFE. I've never follow the bad things that others DO! What she has done with HER life even if I don't approve it it's HER problem, not mine. The only reason I'm not in contact with her right now, is because obviously ElC is affected do to our current situation.

You can think whatever YOU want, in regards to that matter, I'm completely out of the FOG!!!!!

OM used to be an old flame, it my CHOICE ONLY, not my sis.

OMG!!!! Really?????? I don't think so!