Hi All,

New on here looking for advice, help and support to save my marriage.

It all started Nov 08 when I started to feel very attracted to a guy at work (OM), I mentioned it to my mother that I felt really uncomfortable about a very strong attraction building. After a very drunken kiss at the Xmas Office party in Dec 08, I felt traumatized about how I betrayed my husband and put in for a transfer from work to a different account. That Christmas I put 100% into my marriage and enjoyed the time with my husband. The OM contacted me over Christmas and I put him straight that I was having a lovely time off with my H and hoped that would put a stop to it. In Feb 09, I had to go on a business trip for 9 days, the OM was part of the team and would be going aswell. In the back of my mind I was hoping the transfer would happen before the trip as I knew it was not a good idea.

I am ashamed to say and regret it every moment of every day that during that business trip I had an A with the OM. It began with me opening up about my relationship with my husband and he also opened up about he was unhappy with his girlfriend. During that trip, I felt amazing and as though I was walking on air, he told me I was amazing and showered me with affection. It felt so good. My H knew something was wrong, as I hardly contacted him during the trip. Ironically, the day after I first slept with OM, my H sent me a text message saying darling can you get the Monday off work when you return. I burst into tears and said out loud, its too bloody late. One of the reasons I was unhappy in the M is I felt like I was doing all the work (weekend trips, nights out, holiday plans, affection ect�) whilst he focused on his own business and golf.

When I returned to my H, I couldn�t look him in the eyes. I told him within 3 weeks of returning that the M was over and I was leaving. Looking back I felt like I had no choice because I had cheated, I know this was wrong and I should have really told my H at the point when I kissed OM at the Xmas party. I moved out of the house, continued to see OM but about 4 weeks later realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life and how much I loved my H. My H refused to see or speak to me (he didn�t know about OM) and I heard he had a new GF. After some time, my H agreed to start seeing me again, but it hasn�t been the same since. He has been very distant and doing his own thing and there have been other �women� on the scene. I kept cutting off contact with OM, but whilst my H was distant and cold, I kept running to OM for support. OM knew how much I loved my H and that I wanted him, he was more there for emotional support (wrong I know now since I found MB). Eventually in Dec 09 I moved back into the house (H kept putting it off). I would say by Jan 2010 things started to return to normal. Then he went on my computer and found out about the A. That was 5 months ago.

When he found out he hit me, has raged and told me that �we are going to part ways�. I dealt with it totally the wrong way, and told him it was because he didn�t fill my EN�s. Since then I have accepted total responsibility and told him there was no excuse for what I have done. I also have left the place i worked with OM. He has had �r�ships� with 2 women, very close friends with 2 OW and has gone out most nights not coming home some of the time. He wants us to be �friends� so to protect myself I accept its over start doing my own thing he gets upset. Lately though, he seems to have calmed down, he even sat next to me on the sofa the other night. He has said he is not having S*x with OW but cuddles for comfort. Sometimes I see hope but worried I am looking for signs that aren�t really there. Recently I found MB, had put in no NC with OM, accepted total responsibility , shown remorse and am pretty much doing Plan A. I have had a session with Steve Harley, who has now asked to talk to my H. I am too scared to even ask H to talk to Steve as I feel like its constant rejection. He hates any form of counseling too.

Is there any hope?

FWW

BH: 36
FWW: 34
Married 3 years
DDay: 3/10
NC: 7/10

H7:

Sure there is hope.

Have him talk to SH.

You keep talking to SH.

You live an MB life, and practice its principles.

And we see what happens.....

LG

Ask your BH/WH to talk to steve.

ok thanks guys - very nervous about asking BH/WH to talk to Steve, so humiliating, but will give it a go, will post response.

thanks for taking the time to read.

just one more question...

In the mean time shoukd i continue with Plan A, even though he is going out getting affection with other women, is this what I should continue to do?

yes do a Plan A, show him you are serious with your actions, right now words don't mean a whole lot to him, show regret and remorse for your decisions.....he probably won't respond, tell him you love him and want to save your marriage.....just keep repeating it until he gets it........
this will take some time to heal......he needs to feel like he is the most important person to you, right now he doesn't .......he is just trying to get even with the other women........ignore that for now........come off confident, happy, loving and be his soft place to be.......
good luck

thanks jessitaylor that response means a lot,

It is hard to stick to plan B when he walks into the house in the morning, not knowing where he has been and who with. However it is the very least I can do after betraying him. I am usually ok until time off the month and harder to control myself ect..

I will ignore the other women and come off as confident, happy, supportive ect....

Hello,

This is difficult to understand. You clearly love your husband but sexually had an affair on him after only two years in the marriage. You did not even tell him that you put his health at risk for STD's so the both of you could have at least been checked. He had to catch you since you never told him the truth. This means to him that you were clearly a very good liar and the affair would still be continuing if you were not caught. Your husband believes that there is no way he could ever trust you period.

Now lets get to him. You cannot have any semblance of a marriage if your husband is now seeing other women. It is good that you are seeing Steve but he needs to do so also. He must stop seeing other women period. You cannot have a marriage like this.

What is frustrating about this post is that clearly you loved your husband and you knew you were heading for trouble yet you allowed the affair to occur after only 2 years of marriage. You need individual counseling to understand what allowed you to think it was all right to destroy your marriage and lie to your husband? You described your OM has a big player so you must be tested for STD's as soon as possible as well as your husband.

You made a comment that your husband hit you when he found out. Sorry but this is a line that cannot be crossed. I think there simply may be too much damage in this relationship to continue forward. It all seems so very unhealthy. Hopefully Steve can help you.

have you had your talk with Steve Harley yet? I am thinking of you, I hope your husband can stop and listen to you long enough to see your remorse, he is hurting, give him time to process all the information he has been given.....you have both hit bottom and now is your chance to slowly turn things around......him sitting next to you on the couch is a good thing, minute by minute is what it's going to take......
let him see you the way he used to, like the woman he married.......the OW aren't really what he wants, he is just trying to give even or have some kind of revenge, let it all go and work on the problems and your connection with your husband.....
I'm rooting for you......we all make mistakes it takes a strong person to own them and then repair the damage, I think that is you..........

Thank you Bryanp for taking time out to read and post a response.

What you wrote, went through me like a sharp knife. It is all true and the truth is hard to hear. In response to your post;

Para 1 - Yes it is difficult to understand and if I don't understand why I had an affair on my husband after 2 years of marriage then no one else will. It was the single most selfish and cruel act I have ever done to anyone in my entire life. I use to consider myself a good person who supports and helps other people, obviously this is not the case. The biggest single reason my husband does not want to continue the marriage is because I didnt tell the truth about my affair when it happened, this is what he cannot get over. I believe a lot of the time after the affair I was in denial and justifying it through him not meeting my EN's, as that was easier than facing the truth, however deep down I just knew there was no justification and only really in the last couple of months have I come to terms with my actions.

Para 2 - I agree he does need to stop seeing other women, but in some ways I feel he has a right to be happy after what I did, and maybe I feel he will be better off with someone else. This tears me appart, as I wanted to be a good wife but I know that I am not. He seems to have calmed down lately though, so maybe it was an initial reaction.

Para 3 - Yes I do love my husband dearly and I think the hardest thing about all of this is to face upto myself as a person and recognise what I did was so awful. I am so ashamed, and I feel it on the street, with friends, with family and sometimes cannot even look my husband in the eye. Why did I wreck something that I could have tried to sort out? I don't know. Just to clarify in my intial post when I mentioned, ("He has had �r�ships� with 2 women, very close friends with 2 OW and has gone out most nights not coming home some of the time") I was taling about my H not the OM. The OM incidently has only had 2 lovers, but I still need to get tested for STD.

Para 4 - Yes my H did hit me, he has also broken some of my possessions and thrown things at me and called me the most awful names.

Overall, I don't feel hopeful at all, but I love him so very much and we had 6 healthy years together before this all happened. Sometimes it all just feels like it was a bad dream. Not sure whether it is just best to walk away and start fresh having learned a major lesson and leave my H to it. However, at least trying the MB prinicples I will know that I have tried everything to recover things. I also want my H to know that it was not his fault. It is a mess.

thank you so much Jessitaylor, you are a kind person, I got quite emotional after reading your post, its nice to hear words of encouragement.

I have spoken to Steve, he just asked me lots of questions about my H and I. Steve described it like we had just had a bad accident and we could not work on our M until damage from my A had been repaired. Steve has asked me to get H to talk to him, I only had the conversation with Steve on Tuesday. When H and I were sat on the sofa together on Weds night he was being so friendly and nice to me I just didnt want to ruin it by talking about issues. My H is playing in a big golf comp this weekend and so I don't want to bring it up before then as I don't want him getting stressed about it and then him saying my timing is bad, so probably won't have chance to do it now until Monday.

I am very doubtful H will speak to Steve but I am going to ask H 3 times like Steve said over the next week.

Its really difficult to know how to behave in front of my H, I am very very low at the moment but I am trying to act positive and happy around him but at the same time showing remorse.

Thanks again x

I'm impressed, Hitch. This is great. I think you might make it.

H2007,

The OM incidently has only had 2 lovers, but I still need to get tested for STD.

And you believe what a man who dates other mens wives tells you? Please see OM for what he is a man could care less that he destroyed another mans marriage. Is he an older man?

Is the OM married, if so you need to tell his wife/girl friend everything. Don't warn don't threat just do it.

God Bless
Gamma

Good point gamma, I still see OM as esentially a good person but forget he couldn't really have cared less about m as long as he got what he wanted.

He is not older he is 2 years younger and ended his rship with his GF when he met me.

Is this what he told you? OM's are liars. They lie to get you to lie down for them. You need to see OM for what he really is. A dispicable human being that had sex with another man's wife. It's as simple as that. If you cannot realize this plain fact then there isn't much hope for you to recover.

Thank you mindshare - yes this is what he told me - i can't hate him though - i don't have it in me to hate anyone - I don't value him as a person though and don't think about him anymore. All my energy is focused on my H.

Hello Hitch again,

It is very clear that you are seriously remorseful. I also think that you have learned a great deal from all of this which is to be truthful and open the lines of communications with your spouse. I applaud you for giving every effort to save your marriage. I can feel the pain you have in your writings.

Your husband cannot and I repeat cannot be with other women while he is married to you. He is making a mockery of your relationship. I think a little bit of shock from you is necessary. You should consult an attorney to understand your options. Having a husband staying with you while going out and being with other women will poison your love for him and his respect for you.

Finally, once again I am very concerned about your comment that he hit you. I am surprised that other posters have not picked up on this. If he hit you then you need to call the police. This is totally unacceptable. You now have a husband who knows he can hit you and be with other women constantly because he knows you have become a doormat. He is disrespecting you totally. I would suggest that you sit down with him and tell him that this not acceptable and you will not accept it. You are deeply sorry what you have done but you will no longer allow him to degrade you and your marriage. Please see an attorney. It is better to have too much information than not enough. I wish you luck.

hi again,
you are doing all you can, follow Dr. Harley's instructions and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that your husband will at least talk to Steve.....
this is one of those situations that is going to get better but only a minute at a time.......
he is hurting right now and he needs to process everything, don't do any love busting things that will reset his processing.....
show interest in what he does, be helpful, kind and surprise him by doing little things for him....he will notice.....
at some point when he is calm and receptive to conversation ask him to respect the marriage for now at least until you two have had time to work out a few things.....he might not listen, he might surprise you....
Be remorseful and tell him you want to have him forgive you and work towards a great marriage.......he still loves you, he is just so mad he forgets right now.....
You are going to have to show a extreme amount of patience......
Look good, smell good, show him the woman he fell in love with.....
Little touches, look right into his eyes when you speak......
Keep at it, read all you can and forget about the Om totally, no more set backs..

Hello again Bryanp, thank you putting in a further response.

You are right I am acting like a total doormat because I feel I have no grounds to stand upto him because of my A. 2 weeks after he found about the A, he took OW away for a weekend. There has been 2 OW since he found about the A.

One night he even went as far to pop home about 1am with OW in the car at the end of the drive.

At the moment we are still living in the same house but in separate rooms. H has told me that 'we are going to parts ways' but has done nothing to implement a divorce. However, its like H wants to have his cake and eat it, if I get upset and go cold on him because he has stayed out the night, then he gets really upset and starts to cry and say how could you be so horrible to me after what you have done? So then I explain to him its because he stayed out all night and then I apologise because I am supposed to be doing Plan A.

To be honest I really do feel at the stage now where I want to do something to shock him but am going to take Steve's advice and see if H will speak to him.

The worst thing is, its like I have seen this total different side to my H, i feel like I am getting endlessly punished for the A, and I can't believe he is capable of hurting me this much.

Never ever want to go through this again.

H2007,

Does the OMs old girlfriend know why they broke up, those stories he told you about her were also lies. You need to make amends there.

God Bless
Gamma