My story is so weird that I am not sure if anyone will even understand it. I found this web site this afternoon and have been reading for hours. Much of it made a lot of sense to me. I've talked about what really happened in my relationship very little with anyone. I finally told me doctor and talked to him about it a bit last year, but didn't figure anything out. I also told one male friend about what happened. I broke down at Christmas this past year and told my family some of the story.

I am not sure what everyone at this forum will think of me or my situation, but I guess I'll see.

I started dating a girl, lets call her K for this conversation. I started dating K in 2001. Within a year we got engaged and moved in together. We started planning a wedding, but the planning got interrupted. We got along well, enjoyed each other and talked about our future. Sometime around a year, year and a half after we met, K started to abuse alcohol. K started to go on nightly drinking binges, she would verbally abuse me and would hit me.

The stress of that along with stress from a extremely high stress career led me to be diagnosed with depression and a severe anxiety disorder. This was around 2003. Sometime during this same year, when K was drinking so heavily, I spent some time with a girl I had been friends with for a number of years. On one occasion, I had some intimate contact with this other girl (I have broken off all contact with this girl. I always felt the need to be completely open and honest with K, so I told her about what happened a few days later. She reacted poorly, but stayed with me. My health continued to decline, I underwent many medications trials and changes in 2004. K continued to drink and we fought constantly. I desperately wanted the relationship to work and for us to still get married. She moved out at the end of 2004 just before Christmas. I didn't see or hear from her for about 3 weeks. Then in January, she started coming back to my house and hanging out again, being a bit more calm and drinking a bit less. She told me that she had seen a guy a couple times while we were apart.

In 2005 I expressed my ongoing desire to make our relationship work. She saw me frequently, several days a week for most of the year. She was wishy washy about what our future would be and told me that she was still seeing this other guy at times. For about a month at the end of 2005 she told me she was leaving to be with this other guy, I still wanted our relationship to work, but she said she was not coming back. Trying to move on, even though I didn't want to, I dated a girl for a couple weeks, then never saw her again. K came back within a few weeks of leaving, I expressed my ongoing desire for a relationship and to get married. In 2006 I moved, she stayed involved with me, helped me move, setup the new home together, basically acting and living like any married couple would. We had our ups and downs, but I really wanted the relationship to work and wanted to be able to get married.

In 2007, I suspected that she had seen this other guy a couple times and lied to me about it. It could not have been many times because she spent most of her time with me. She finally admitted to seeing him but said it was nothing.

For the sake of wanting our relationship to work, I stopped trying to figure out if she was seeing this guy and stopped really questioning her when I thought she was lying. She still never wanted to get married, but did not get into any details or want to discuss it. Though she continued to live with me.

In summer of 2008, (keep in mind she is still living with me, home with me every night of the year with the exception of one or two nights that she said she was working) I was frustrated with her avoidance of the marriage issue and suspected she was lying about not seeing this other guy when I thought she had. I started looking at some things in 2008 to find out if she was being honest with me. To my horror, I found out that she had gotten married to this guy she had dated back in spring of 2007. She was married to this guy and hide it from me for over a year, living with me the entire time.

I confronted her, and the only thing she has really ever said is that she got engaged to this guy back when we were apart, and they planned the wedding, she didn't want to disappoint her family, she she went through with the wedding. She said that she had planned to leave me when she got married, but she could not do it, and that is why she never left.

Since I found out, just under 2 years ago, we have had hundreds of conversations about her getting a divorce so we can be married. She refuses, just saying she can't do it. I only know of 1 time she saw this guy she is married to in the last 2 years.

She says she wants our relationship to work, and she is still here, comes home every night. But not only does she absolutely refuse to get a divorce from this guy, she doesn't even she why it is a problem. She will say, I don't see why it matters. I don't see why this bothers you. I don't see what difference it makes. She says that she has never been intimate with the guy she married.

After 2 years of these conversations and such, it is hard for me to even feel angry anymore. I don't know what to feel. I want to cry.

She continues to live me with and I want our relationship to work. I want to recover our friendship and relationship. She says she wants to be happy and have a nice life together, but also says that she can't get a divorce. I think part of that might be that she has a strict catholic family.

I really want to work on our relationship, I thought the things I read on this site today were great. I have a hard time, at times putting more and more effort into this relationship (even though I want it to work) when she won't get a divorce from this other guy(and doesn't even seem to want to).

I don't know what to think anymore or what to feel anymore. I went to a doctor and talked about this in detail and we could not figure out anything that helped me communicate with and get through to K about these issues(her being married to other guy).

I still feel betrayed and don't know how much I can trust her. But I want to recover from it and want to trust her again.

J

Welcome to MB, JIm.

You seem to know already what the problem is. If she will not divorce this man and marry you, you will never be able to marry her.

She is married and you are committing adultery with her. Her faith sees divorce as a sin, but I'm pretty sure it sees adultery as one, too. How is she able to live with that? Why does she think that her marriage and adultery do not matter? Does your adultery matter to your own faith?

What does her H think of the fact that his wife has never lived him and is living with someone else? Where does he appear to think this marriage is going? If she married him only because of family pressure, why did he marry her? Did he get angry when he realised that she had no intention of living with him as husband and wife? Does he ever contact her? Does he want her to move in, or does he want the annulment that he is entitled to?

What do her parents think of what she did by sham-marrying this man? Did they put up the money for the wedding? Are they still on speaking terms with her now that she is living with you?

Did she and her husband have a place to live once married? What happened to it? Does either of them have any assets? Did he (or she!) need a Green Card?

Why did you talk to your doctor about her being married to someone else? Did you think there was a medical issue involved?

This is a very odd story. Please help us to understand it.

Lots of good questions.....here is another one.....do you have no relationship with her family at all that would allow you to be kept in the dark about this for so many years?

Very strange.

ok, the problem is not that you can't communicate. You have communicated your wishes. She has rejected them.

The basic issue is that she is not marriage material, has no respect for marriage, and will do nothing but bring more heartache into your life. There is no future in this relationship unless she makes a dramatic change. And she has no reason to make any changes.

I think you are wasting your time trying to get some kind of committment from a person who does not make committments and does not value marriage in the least. Surely you can see this.

One can only hope you don't have children together and bring an innocent child into this mess.

Hello;

Her faith does not seem to be important to her any more. I think it is just a matter of what her family thinks of her.

I am not very religious myself, as you can tell the entire situation is very upsetting to me, and I was left in the dark for a year and a half about her being married, while we continued to live together like nothing was different. Once I found out, she made ongoing promised that she would get a divorce for a long time, but then finally in this past year or so said that she will not do it, but that she wanted to continue to me with me.

I have no idea what he thinks. Yes he has a house. He is MUCH older than her, he is 40 something in the military, but has not in out of the country for the past couple years as far as I know. K is 28, I am 31.

I don't look though who calls her cell phone, but as far as I know they are not speaking. I never see any personal e-mails from him to her on the computer.

Bottom line, I have no idea what her H thinks about all this and I am not sure she does either. My best understanding is that she feels like she made a mistake with the whole thing, but due to her family was unable to undue it.

It has been too long for her to be able to get a legal annulment.

I do not know what her parents think. She has kept me separated from her family. She told me that her parents were upset and didn't really like me after our break up in 2004 and it was best I just avoided them. Though I tried numerous times to get her to allow me to reconnect with her family.

Her family is fully aware of what happened, I e-mailed them and told them, now it is possible they would not believe the email, but, unless she has elaborate lies going with them or they totally have there heads in the sand, they would have been able to figure out that she is with me. Plus, I heard her on the phone last year tell her parents that she wanted to be with me and that she wanted a divorce. So I know they know.

I don't know the details of any financials of the wedding, other than she told me it was not elaborate and there was no reception, other than a small gathering at her parents home.

I remember the day, (that I later learned was the day of her wedding) I remember it because, she was gone over night so infrequently that it stood out in my mind. She left in the morning telling me she was going into work. Called me around 5 told me she had to work the over night shift (very realistic she is in health care). Was home in the AM.

She has lived here her whole life, since this guy she married is in the US military, I have to assume he is a full citizen.

As far as I can tell, much of her relationship with her parents have become don't ask, don't tell. I think they pretend she is with her H, even though they know she isn't.

She has no significant assets. Back in 2004 K & I were in business together and lost several hundred thousand. I am sure her H does as he has been a career military person. H still owns the house as far as I know. This is a Joint marital property state, so she technically owns half of it.

As I had mentioned previously, I became quite ill around 2004 - 2005 and developed a severe anxiety disorder along with other physical health problems which have required ongoing medical care. I am legally disabled due to my health. The medical issue involved centered around my depression, anxiety and related disorders.

Thanks
J

Thought I have tried numerous times to establish contact with her family, via K, by asking to be included in family events and such. I have been excluded, with constant excuses.
Other than sending them an email telling them that she is living with me that I didn't get a response to, My anxiety has prevented me from having any more direct confrontational approach with them.

I wanted to believe so badly that K was being honest with me, that many times when I was suspicious of things, I just didn't push it.

I do truly believe that she would take it all back if she could and would not have gotten married to him. However, I think what is preventing her from getting a divorce is that she is very centered on what per parents think and she wants approval from them for a divorce.

J

Or, she doesn't want a divorce at all and is only telling you want you want to hear.

No I have been careful to ensure that we have no children.

"The basic issue is that she is not marriage material, has no respect for marriage, and will do nothing but bring more heartache into your life. There is no future in this relationship unless she makes a dramatic change. And she has no reason to make any changes."

This is a very sad, but I fear may be a very accurate assessment.

She knows that I am rather dependent on her, we have a bit of role reversal going due to my illness. She works and I take care of the home. So I have far more to loose than her if she leaves.

My financial dependence on her due to my health makes it extremely difficult for me to leave from a financial standpoint.

I guess I have some big delusion that this is just one big mistake she made and one day she will realize it and apologize and fix things.

J

"Or, she doesn't want a divorce at all and is only telling you want you want to hear."

I have a strong feeling that if her parents were not alive that she would feel differently about the divorce. She seems to care more about what they think of her than what she cares about me and our life together.

Maybe her perspective on whats important will change a little bit. Her mom almost died this week. Her mom was on vacation and suddenly got a lung infection and has been in ICU for 6 days on the other side of the country.

I want to believe so badly that she really wants to work this out and that she just doesn't know how to deal with it.

J

Jim, the problem is not her, but your lack of judgment and inability to accept reality. Here is what you are pursuing as a wife:

• Sometime around a year, year and a half after we met, K started to abuse alcohol.
  
  
• K started to go on nightly drinking binges, she would verbally abuse me and would hit me.
  
  
• K continued to drink and we fought constantly.
  
  
• about a month at the end of 2005 she told me she was leaving to be with this other guy, I still wanted our relationship to work, but she said she was not coming back
  
  
• In 2007, I suspected that she had seen this other guy a couple times and lied to me about it. It could not have been many times because she spent most of her time with me. She finally admitted to seeing him but said it was nothing.
  
  
• To my horror, I found out that she had gotten married to this guy she had dated back in spring of 2007. She was married to this guy and hide it from me for over a year, living with me the entire time.
  
  
• But not only does she absolutely refuse to get a divorce from this guy, she doesn't even she why it is a problem.

Surely, you can see that this is not marriage material. She would have no more respect for a marriage with you than she does with her current "husband." Why would any sane person choose to pursue a life with a woman who lies, cheats and has no respect for marriage and fidelity? It is also very likely that she is an alcoholic.

This is a very strange relationship because it is clear that she has a long history of abusing you yet you come back for more. I don't know what you get out of such a relationship, but it is most certainly not love.

Jim-

Your "sweetheart" is MARRIED. That's the truth. You are living with someone who is MARRIED to someone else.

What is your illness? Do you have any income? What about your parents? Where are they in all this?

I wonder if I could get her interested in this MB program and work through the program with me.

If we could work together to fulfill each others most important emotional needs:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Then maybe things would be different.

I love her and wish we could have a nice life together.

If she doesn't want to have a life with me, then why is she here? Why doesn't she leave to be with her H? When I ask she says she loves me cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me.

J

Uhm, you can't work the MB program with your AFFAIR PARTNER.

MB works between spouses, not a married woman and her affair partner.

FJim-


Your OW is cake-eating. She is getting you to meet some of her needs, and letting her Betrayed Husband (BH) meet the others. She is playing both of you.

Sorry...you cannot recover a relationship with someone who is MARRIED to another person. It won't work.

But she is married to someone else, though. She is another man's wife. Marriage Builders is for marriages, not affairs. If you cared about her you would encourage her to go to her husband and leave her alone.

I have an autoimmune disorder that limits me physically, including Asthma, which I have to take immune suppressive drugs for and steroids for at times. I also have debilitating migraines several times a month - likely related to my autoimmune condition. I developed highly treatment resistant depression that has never gone away. I have generalized anxiety disorder as well as obsessive compulsive disorder. I also have always had difficulty with interpersonal relationships due to high functioning autism.

I have limited income from disability. I have around $20,000 a year in medications, which insurance helps a lot with, but there are still expenses. I have additional medical costs on top of that. I see my doctor when I can for therapy, but insurance imposes many limits on mental health care coverage.

My parents are very supportive, but there are limited to what they can due because of their own situation. My parents have provided a very nice home that they allow me to live in, but I still have to cover utilities, taxes, etc, which pretty much wipe out the disability income I get. My father doesn't work much due to his own health, and my mom is going to be off work for months for the second time in a year, now for a major joint replacement.

J

Don't know what to say. I was deceived into this. I didn't start an affair. I've been with her ongoing from before the marriage and after, with me not finding out about it until a year and a half later. She is the one that snuck out and married this guy that she has no real relationship with.

I desperately want to fix our relationship so she can get the strength to get the divorce done and un due her mistake.

J

Jim, but you know NOW that she is married to someone else so you can't claim you are deceived any longer. The truth is that she is married to someone else.

She has plenty of "strength" to get a divorce. It takes no strength to get a divorce. The issue is that she doesn't want to get a divorce and you won't accept that.

She is a married woman, Jim. No one here is going to help you pursue a relationship with a married woman.

I am looking for solutions so I can help her get or want to get the divorce so we can fix our relation ship.

I'm sorry. I am desperate for help and support that I can not find anywhere.

I guess this was the wrong place for me to come because it doesn't some like you understand the place I am in or it is not in like with something you want to help with.

I am just desperate and very nearing the end of what I can handle.

I'm out of options with doctors and therapists _I've seen the ones I can see with my insurance coverage.

I may just be at the point in my life where I have to consider giving up, there is only so much one person can handle.

I feel so alone. I feel that no one understands what I am going through.

What do I do, kick her out? I know that I literly will not survive.

J