I don't even know where to start. Shortly after falling in love with my bf, I realized he is an alcoholic. I don't want to abandon the relationship, but it is so stressful. I think he lies to me all the time. I know nothing about alcoholism and have been doing a lot of research, but still feel so lost. I am afraid my respect for him is just dwindling away, and more importantly trust is also gone. I don't believe him when he tells me he isn't drinking, no matter how adamant he is that he is not. Is he just in total denial? Its almost as if there are two totally different people I am dealing with....I love the sober man. Any advice is appreciated.

Welcome to MB!

This board doesn't see a whole lot of action and can be rather slow, I would suggest that you post over on General Questions for a better response!!

Dawn

I failed to see the signs that my now XH was an alcoholic before we married. Our relationship and marriage were full of drama. that drama continued after our divorce and only ended a year ago when my XH started working AA. He has been sober a year.

My advice to you is no matter how much you love him and no matter how much he "says" he loves you, he will always love that bottle more. Your life will be full of lies, trust issues, drunken scenes,bailing him out of jail when he gets arrested for DUI, the works. Until he hits his own rock bottom (its different for every alcoholic) nothing you say or do will stop him from drinking. For your own sanity, regardless of how much you love him, love yourself more. End the relationship now before you get in any deeper. Tell him once he's attended 90 meetings in 90 days, you will consider slowly testing the dating water with him. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.

I would run for the hills.

AGG

H, I say this as an a alcoholic with 25 years sobriety. You need to run for your life and thank God you found this out before you married him and had some kids. A healthy, romantic marriage is impossible with an alcoholic because of his FIRST LOVE. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He loves alcohol. He does not feel the love and empathy necessary to have an intimate relationship with you. When he watches love movies, he is PUZZLED about the feelings of love they express because he cannot comprehend the big deal. He doesn't get it because he doesn't have feelings like that. We only know how to mimic what we think should look like love. But it is a big mystery to us.

If you think he is bad now, be assured that he will get progressively worse. We do not get better unless we stop and only 10% of alcoholics sober up.

Please, run for your life. You are facing a life of holy, unmitigated hell if you marry an alcoholic.

My husband always drank. 8 years into the marriage, his drinking increased. He started going out with "the guys" regularly. He started coming home drunk. I was afraid that he was going to kill somebody. He met another woman at a bar. He committed adultery. He said he was drinking too much. Do not proceed with this man if you hate it when he drinks. . His alcoholism may used as an excuse for all manner of bad behavior. Unless you want a life of pain, be very careful.

Thank you for your advice, everyone. We are meeting with a counselor again at my church next week. I asked him to give us some individual time so I can ask tough questions and express my doubts about his honesty. My bf is a very loving and affectionate man who was hurt deeply in his past and unfortunately turned to alcohol to numb the pain. He wants to quit desperately. The addiction is just so strong. I appreciate and will heed everyones advice, but I do always seek the Lord before making any decisions.

hopeful, if your counselor doesn't tell you to run from an alcoholic, I would run from the counselor.

Here are some articles from this site about preparing for marriage that can really help with your situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

These articles in particular may be very helpful for you:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5019_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5019b_qa.html

RUN!!! My exh was an alcoholic, suspect drugs too, a cheater, lied all the time, and took me for everything I'd ever hope to make. You're lucky, you found out in time, RUN!!!

Any time you have to see a couples counselor before marriage, you should end the relationship. The track rate of couples counseling is not good. Even MB style marriage counseling as limited success, and this is when both parties have made a commitment and getting out of it is painful and difficult.

If your boyfriend really wants to stop drinking, he'll stop. He'll go to AA.

Hopeful, I'm all for praying and listening for an answer. In my experience, I work really hard to make sure what I hear in prayer is God's voice and not my own, or worse.

Here are some other thoughts that came to me...
1. Don't remain in a relationship with someone who needs fixing up. It's bad for the person who doesn't have a problem and people can't be fixed. They can change if THEY want to, which they often don't.
2. I believe we have a responsibility to our Creator to be good stewards of ourselves first. This means avoiding situations that will cause us harm like abusive relationships and addicts.

Editted to add:
Hopeful, I've been in a bad marriage and a wonderful romantic relationship and marriage. The marriage was unfortunately short--apparantely God's idea of "til death do us part" was a LOT different than mine. Bad relationships are work. They are constant stress and questioning yourself. There are ultimatiums and lines in the sand. They take so much of your energy that you have little left to help or comfort others. Good relationships are not like that. Sure, there are times when each person questions whether this relationship will work, but they are few and far between. Lines in the sand aren't necessary because you agree on values and most behaviors. A request for a change is heeded and the change is made. You are a well matched team or equally yoked. Three months into your relationship you can see you aren't equally yoked. Take heed.

I sense you've already made your decision and you want to hear permission to do so from someone else...you will probably keep asking until you get your desires validated.
Be careful. There is a reason everyone is telling you the same thing. It is a warning intended to spare you. You can go on through your life and do what you want, but you can't blame it on God or a desire to please God. God is trying to talk to you. Are you willing to listen? You say your BF wants to quit. You don't want or need to be married to someone who wants to quit. You need to be married to someone who is following God and lets HIM run their life. Are you prepared to wait until your BF quits and is sober for a year? And if he returns to drink a few years down the road, then what? My life with my ex was no picnic, if you want a life like that I can give you his number.
I'm sorry, I know this sounds cold and hard but it isn't meant to be mean, it's meant to wake you up. What I went through I wouldn't wish on anyone!
Okay, now pray. But make sure the biggest part of the prayer is the listening part. Good luck!

You probably already know what I am going to tell you below. I do have some experience with dealing with addictive personalities. It was not a spouse of g/f, but it was a relative and loved one.

Alcoholism is a primary disease. It will not be cured by your love, getting married, your understanding and good intentions, having babies, TLC, etc. He must get treatment and stay in treatment for the rest of his life. You are powerless over the disease as is he. Unless he is really committed to treatment, your relationship will not be very good.

Think of it as any other disease. If head had an physical illness that would keep him from working, doing his part around the house, raising the children, etc, and he refused to get treatment, would you stay with him knowing this? I doubt it. Your boundry would be simple: he has to do what is necessary to return to good health. The same is true for the disease of alcoholism. Not getting treatment for alcoholism makes as sense as not getting treatment for cancer, high blood pressure, or broken arm.

Thank you Green, Kayc, and Erwin. I do appreciate all the advice and believe me, I am listening. It is not easy to abandon someone you love. Green, although I'm sure you will think this is strange, our relationship is wonderful, aside from dealing with the alcohol. Its not like he lays around drunk all day. He is more often sober than drunk or drinking. He is a good and tender man who has a weakness. And Kayc, yes, I would be willing to wait for him. He is worth it to me.

It seems like a lot of people speak as though alcoholics are hopeless human beings not worthy of love. To me, God is way bigger than alcoholism and there is hope. My own father was a recovering alcoholic and my mother stood by him and we never loved him less because of it. We did not abandon my dad and he overcame.

I am heeding everyone's advice and as I give him time to show that he is making changes, I will make a decision about the relationship based on the actions I see him taking.

Thanks again for your advice. It is appreciated very much.

Hopeful,
My dad was alcoholic too (he passed away) and he was a good man, mellow, easy going, loving. HOWEVER, his drinking affected us, all of us. There were birthdays where he passed out in the cake, special events for us kids that he missed, nights him and my mom fought, and times he didn't stand up for us or be there for us when he should have. There was money spent on drink that should have gone for us kids to have shoes or coats. There were the countless times we sat out in the car, alone, while him and my mom were in a tavern drinking. Alcoholism has it's affect, not matter how wonderful the person. I will always love my dad but that doesn't sugar coat what he put us through...and unfortunately he was the "good" parent of the two, believe it or not.
Only you can make this decision, but understand there will be consequences and a high price to pay if you accept him with his alcoholism. Our "understanding" only goes so far...

Hopeful,
No one is saying alcoholics are worthless or not worthy of redeption. God sees every person worth redeeming. And while we cannot redeem anyone ourselves, we can show Charity. The New Standard Bible translation is Love. I prefer KJV translation, Charity, because I think it's easier to be clear about what we're being asked to do.
Showing Charity to an addict is good, being in love with an alcoholic is not good, and God doesn't call us to do that.

Your relationship with this man is good now because you've only been dating a little over three months. Could be the euphoria of a new relationship has decreased his drinking, and as teh euphoria dissapates, the drinking will increase. Could be he's just on his best behavior, acting in a way that's not quite him. (Note: EVERYONE tends to do this in the beginning of a relationship. That's why a long courtship is necessary.) It could also be that the relationship feels good to you because it's familiar, in all senses of the word. You feel comfortable with some aspects of the relationship that would make others uneasy because you have lived with a drinking alcoholic. Or it could be that the relationship is really that good.

Erwin has a wonderful point. I'd like to make it a specific disease. What if I were dating someone with bipolar disorder. I knew he should be on meds, but he's not taking them because he feels fine. (BPD victims often don't take their meds while in manic states because they feel so awesome!) So far, the mania hasn't gone sky high or led to bizarre behavior. So everything seems okay, and I'd feel great if only he'd take his meds and go check in with his shrink. You know that dehabilitating depression could be around the corner, or out of control mania including wild spending, promiscuous sex, staying up all night, etc. You also know that the somewhat stable behavior could continue for a few years or more, but without the medication major episodes are likely. What would you advise me to do?

Hi All,

He went to AA yesterday and I went with him (not to make him go, but to see what it was like) and it was an eye opener and encouraging. There was one person there who had been sober only 2 days and he was lifted up and encouraged beyond belief. Most others there had been sober for over a year all the way to 34 years and counting. He is going to start going to AA at least 3 x week and attend Celebrate Recovery at his church on Thursdays. So in essence, Green, he has started "taking his meds". And the only way I can continue in relationship with him is if he stays on "his meds" (AA,etc.) If you were dating someone with BPD, I would say remain in the relationship if you love him and he can stay on his meds. Otherwise, get out of the relationship. So just the same, that is what I'm going to do. I am giving him some time to show that he is committed to change and will stay committed. There is no quitting AA, it has to become part of his life. If he can't do the necessary things to stay sober, then I can't stay in the relationship.

In no way does this relationship "feel good" to me because it is familiar. I wasn't looking for an alcoholic. I didn't even know he drank until he happened to be drunk one day. I do not drink, ever. Nor do I plan on it. And I don't think I'm in any kind of euphoric state either ;-) The reality of this problem would have snapped me out of that really quick. We really do connect very well and get along as if we've known eachother for a long time. It is a great relationship in all respects, but this one albeit huge problem.

Kayc, I think your situation with your dad was a little different from mine. My dad did not start drinking heavily until I was in high school when he lost his job of over 25 years. I am the youngest of 7 kids, so most of my siblings were grown and gone. He was ALWAYS there for me and my siblings and put us all through college with ease. When he drank, he just fell asleep in his chair in the evening and my mom and he occasionally had an argument...I'm not minimizing his drinking, but he did overcome it when he attended AA and began seeking the Lord. My point in saying this is that I don't have some warped desire to be with an alcoholic because my dad was one. My only point in mentioning my father earlier was because my family loved and supported him and he overcame by the grace of God. He was then able to be present and loving grandfather to most of his grandchildren (he passed when several of them were still babies).

I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate you very much.

Noone's situation is exactly the same. However, we've all tried to warn you and you are doing what you want to do anyway. You are convincing yourself that this is the right and noble thing to do against our counsel, so it's pretty much as I said, you want validation to do what you already determined to do anyway. Best of luck to you, see you back on here when the problems start...

Hopeful,

Good luck trying to "rescue" him!

HOpe:

Hmmm...

After reading all the posts here to your original reply, I just don't know.

Three months into it. I've been in love, truly. And I've loved, deeply. Three months isn't long enough to know if the love is true or deep, honestly. One must have more time to see how the person is when he faces the many challenges of life including family, work issues, home issues, etc. You just don't know yet.

I know all the advice may seem like we just don't get it or we just don't understand how much you guys love one another. I know. I've been there. I believe you're in love with him, and maybe he's in love with you as well. But, let me tell ya...alcohol is a [censored] and a mistress that no one can contend with EXCEPT God himself. I hate to say it so bluntly, but it's true. I was married to an alcoholic and he barely just quit drinking. And, interestingly, it's only been three months since he's quit!! The advice on here has been to not take him back till it's been much longer and I'm listening to it.

I think all the ladies, myself included, are trying to help you protect yourself. You'll do what you feel is right in the end, but I feel you would benefit from your own support group too, like Alanon. There's a reason why you attracted this man into your life. NO, you didn't "know" he was an alkie, but you know, there's something in you that thinks you can ease the pain of the troubled, perhaps...or who can offer sympathy to the suffering. I'm just saying. This is what I've learned about myself...that I've got an invisible sign on my head that reads "Alcoholic and/or needy men, please apply here." It's true. And I LOVE me some alcoholics. They're funny, charming, often good-looking, and usually a great time all around...of course until you try to come between them and their true love, liquor.

Now maybe there's hope for this guy, but it won't be because of you, it'll be because of him and God. I'd say, step aside and let God do the work that must be done. And you go to www.stepchat.com and on into Friends and Family (Alanon) to see what's going on with you. You know how hard it is to change our own selves right? It's that much harder, if not impossible, to change another.

Oh well, good luck.

Melanie Beatie's stuff on Codependency is great too (Codependent No More).

Take Care!