My husband lost his job that he trained for after retiring from the Army, it was offshored, he got a job with the state and he did not move us his family since we were broke and his job was temp and also I was diagnosed with cancer and needed several operations and treatment.

Also right after he got this new job his Mom died, I was diagnosed with my cancer and his sister died.

To make a long story short, he cheated on me either during or right after my cancer treatment. I also have a bad heart, and have since gotten another cancer.

We have been together since August 1979. He is 56 I am 54 we have two daughters in college, they just went away this fall. My husband is also an alcoholic.

This other person is 45 been divorced and has never had children, she is also an alcoholic. She has a degree and bought her own home, travels does whatever she wants.

My husband was in the Army, retired so we moved every couple of years, while I was a stay at home Mom.

So, when I went to surprize him (he had rented this small room with no phone and he could not have overnight visitors even me) he had her in our car, leaving the base. He saw me, his jaw dropped, he drove off really fast. Then he called me, not only had he had an affair but he had moved into her house, been there 4-6 months, while he had been coming home on weekends.

So we went for counseling, I called and called, I became very clingy.

This I found out 4 days before xmas 2008. Ok we looked the summer of 2009 for a home, made offers, all fell through. We finally find a house they are building and make offer. We sign the papers Dec 2009 (all this time he is in room and we are waiting to move, he said he left her).

We move two 26 foot trucks of our things we have saved over the years of him in the Army and all of our things. Last load got it here Dec 31, 2009.

I then have a doctors appt and he has taken so much time off to move us that our daughter takes me. They have to run tests and keep me overnight.

On my return I hear that he called her, she was upset he came back to me, bought us a home. She had gone to the gym and threw her back out, he went over, slept with her.

Then he left, next day came back, called a therapist, went and saw him. A week and a half later he goes to gym on base, never returns.

This was in January, I am here deserted.

What do I do, I love him, I can't believe he did this.

Also, yesterday while organizing garage I found a 500 page sex manual with photos of people having sex. This upset me so much, I feel he has a problem, I don't know what to do.

Is this a normal mid life crisis, to cheat, come back, desert a spouse that has cancer?

They are quitting drinking together, she has a website that says she is single, looking for sober people. Look she is a homewrecker.

He has had no contact with our girls since this happened, does not know their new addresses does not ask about them.

Teresa,

I am sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be in your current situation. You will find a lot of support here.

My XWH did the same thing to me after 33+ years. I found out that he had been living with OW through the week and telling her he was divorced. I know you feel alone right now, but read some threads around here and you will find that there are many of us who have been through the same thing.

The best thing that I can tell you to do now is get the book Surviving an Affair, and also read the threads on here. I'm not the best one to give advice, so I will let those more experienced posters chime in.

I am so sorry.

Teresa,
I just want to say I've been married now 30.5 years and am so soory to hear about what has heppened to your marriage. Currently my husband claims to not love me or is withholding love. We attended the MB weekend and I've tried so hard to restore our love. Up until last week it seemed we were on an upswing but now we're struggling once again. But at least I have a chance at restoring our marriage. I thought my husband was being hard hearted and taking the easy way out or seemingly the path of least resistance. I'll pray for you as I pray for our marriage.

teresa,

Is your H drinking now?

I'm so sorry to hear this, especially after 31 years of marriage (Most people can only hope to hit that milestone).

This situation has several problems effecting the marriage. The number one problem is the affair. This has to be taken care of in order to try to save your marriage.

Who knows that he left you for another woman? Who have you told?

I ask you this because the number one killer of affairs is exposure to people who influence the WS and OP.

I'm pretty sure that two alcoholics trying to get sober together is like the blind leading the blind, and I assume that AA would not be too kind to alcoholics in an affair. Unless the group they are going to does not know. Hint: Here is a good example of a group of people who have influence over the WH and the OP that will look down on their affair.

Other people that have influence over your WH and OP are.
1. WH family, including your kids.
2. OW family, especially OWH and kids
3. Employer, if they work together.
4. Church leaders.
5. The AA group they attend.
6. Other people (hopefully others can point them out, or you know who they are)

Have you told any of these people about the affair?

I see the alcoholism as a second obstacle that must be overcome in order to save your marriage. I have no experience with alcoholics and affairs, but I see a trend that alcoholism must be taken care of at the same time as recovering the marriage (please someone correct me).

Then there is the cancer to deal with. I am so sorry that this is the icing on the cake of problems. It just adds more stress to an over tensioned situation. I can only hope that you are taking care of yourself and getting this cancer taken care of. Cancer doesn't care what is happening in your life, so I hope that you are getting the best treatment you can in order to battle the rest of these stressful demons in your life.

I am confused. Are you currently fighting an active cancer?

My heart goes out to you.

Teresa, I am so sorry you are here. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do in this situation is to separate and go into Plan B, which is complete darkness. In the case of alcoholics, it is impossible to recover the marriage until the drinking is arrested.

That means that Plan A is out. My suggestion would be to expose the affair to everyone and get yourself legal protection. After you are protected legally, I would send him a plan B letter telling him to not contact you until he stops drinking.

Your marriage is hopeless until he stops drinking. Dr Harley discusses it in this article: here